Two Eagles fans discuss the footy

By Pete Cruttenden

Two Eagles fans, Barnie and Berney, discuss the footy.

Barnie:           Good win over the Blues Bern!

Berney:          Yeah, did a number on the little smert-erses. Merk Marphy and Jeff Gerlett were sters for them, but it was our thard-quarter barst that won it.

Barnie:           Derling kicked a bag. And laid tharteen tackles.

Berney:          He’s a herd bersterd all right.

Barnie:           So’s Karr. And what about Harn? Strong merk, and such a boot on him – a real ball-barster.

Berney:          Who’ve we got next?

Barnie:           Freo, the darty rotten tards.

Berney:          It’ll be cernage – they’re an utter ferce.

Barnie:           Shart-lifters the lot of them. I wish they never got rid of that jark Merk Hervey. He was warth a tharty-point stert!

Berney:          You said it. Is Berlow fit?

Barnie:            Yeah, Victorian erse-wipe. Can play though. Reminds me of that Brownlow Medallist – herf forward flanker…

Berney:          ­Jimmy Bertel? James Hard?

Barnie:           No, no – Brad Herdie.

Berney:          Parth boy.

Barnie:           All the best players are. Sorry, just dropped a fert.

Berney:          That’s nersty Barn. It’s your shout for that. I’ll have a Herhn Lerger.

Barnie:           Tarn it up. We’ll get a home final for cartain now.

Berney:          Yeah, suck shit to those dart-bag Eastern Staters.

Barnie:           All up ‘em themselves – with their ler-di-der wine bers and their soy lerttes.

Berney:          Yeah, they think they’re so damn smert – and they cern’t even pronounce ‘derby’ properly!


  1. This is moronic drivel. I don’t care if it’s Eagles, Dockers or Magpies. It’s moronic drivel, and the editors should take it down. The Almanac needs to have some basic standards of value, insight, passion or humor. We should be democratic, but not a free for all for this sort of undergrad rubbish.

  2. Rick Kane says

    Hi PB, I grew up in WA from the age of 5 to about 30 and I reckon this piece capture the WA viewpoint pretty neatly. It might be a bit gross (so was Bazza Mackenzie and The Sentimental Bloke – not that I’m comparing the literary quality, merely the representational value) but that doesn’t mean it isn’t reasonable. The last lines about sticking it to the Eastern Staters (really Victorians) is what I lived with. When I read your stuff I wonder how representative you are of West Coast fans, (because you’re reasonable and literate).

    Take it on the chin and appreciate that their are West Australian’s who still carry a pretty big chip on their shoulder and this piece is taking the mickey outa them.


  3. Dave Nadel says

    Peter B, when you compare this piece with the classist crap that Pie supporters have to put up with on this website you really are being a wee bit precious.

  4. Dave – classist? You old commos see conspiracy in your cornflakes.

  5. Mr Kane and Mr Nadel – I have spoken to President Gina and your 0.000000000000000000000000001% of the mining royalties will be cut off immediately. Your electricity will follow shortly.
    How do you like that you lard arsed Victorian slackers?
    Keep up the good work, Comrade Dips, we need fellow travellers.

  6. Dave Nadel says

    Peter B…I think your planned WA secession will be greatly approved of by Andrew Demetriou and Mike Fitzpatrick. The AFL has wanted to make Aussie Rules an international game for some years now. The Irish experiment merely created a hybrid game. All of the international leagues are amateur competitions whose national teams could not compete in the A grade of the Victorian, WA or South Australian Amateur competitions.

    But here is a chance for a true international competition. The Eagles and the Dockers are professional football clubs. If WA secedes and becomes a seperate country we have an international professional competition. We can call the Grand Final -The World Series!!

    Australians will miss the mining royalties, but the prospect of the Hancock, Forrest and Court families playing no further part in Australian politics would be a powerful compensation.

  7. Dave Nadel says

    Dips, if material based on alleged stereotypical traits of non-whites is racist, what would you call jokes based on the stereotype that all Collingwood fans are ignorant, dishonest and have no teeth?

    It is not a conspiracy – it is just a fact that now that jokes based on race, ethnicity, gender, and sexual preferenceare considered unacceptable, it would appear that jokes based on class stereotypes are all that is left.

  8. Geez Dave – you reckon I’m precious. I know that you, like most Collingwood supporters, have a university degree and a perfect set of teeth. Lighten up you pale, Ocker, old pillow biter.

  9. Rick Kane says

    WA secession, it’s almost part of the seasons in good ‘ol Dubbya Ay. Mr PB, you may be aware of a planned secession, I think in the early years of the 1900s. Kalgoolie, at the time threatened the WA government, that if it wanted to secede then Kalgoolie would remain part of the rest of Australia. The mining centre of the day recognized where it should place its allegiance. What would WA look like if the North seceded from the South (say around Geraldton? That would be a hoot. Then another team or two could be based in the new country to the north of S-W A and the game would be truly international. The Saints would move to Wellington. North Melbourne would relocate to Papua New Guinea and bang Aussie Rules in now Aussie International Rules … and all this generated by an article with questionable merit.

    By the way, I’m off to the footy with family and friends of Greek, Dutch, Irish, Mexican and Indigenous heritage. It already is an international game. Love youse all.

  10. Rick and Dave – having sold off everything else of value in the country to the Chinese, can footy be far behind? After yesterday’s labor force decision by the Canberra lickspittle, it seems that we are too stupid and lazy to even dig up the stuff we sell off for a pittance. The Clark and Dawe with ‘Colin Barnett’ on Thursday was priceless. If we keep digging there will be more WA dirt in Asia than at home shortly. Somehow I think our grandchildren will not be thanking us. Shut up and pass me a VB and the remote control.
    I can feel an article brewing – thanks Mr Cruttenden. Just try to look beyond the Farrelly brothers for comic inspiration next time. I hate gross out ‘humor’.

  11. Dave Nadel says

    But Peter, I wasn’t the one who asked for satirical material to be removed. We Pie supporters just grin through our remaining teeth and bear it.

  12. Fair enough Dave. I guess you can use shit to grow flowers.

  13. Rick Kane says

    Nothing wrong with gross out humour. Began in Ancient Greek, used with relish by the likes of Shakespeare, Moliere, Twain and even Humphries.


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