Round 12 Winners and Losers

Last weekend I was off in the wilderness, trying to utilise the fleeting 30 seconds of reception I could get to acquire scores. As a result, I couldn’t report on round 11. However now I am back amongst civilization and delivering to you everything you need to know about round 12.

Basically, Behinds! Behinds everywhere!


Jonathon Patton

The number one draft pick made his debut on Sunday, and showed some really good signs. Indeed his debut has been met with astounding hype. No one has had 7 touches, taken 4 marks, kicked 1 goal, and been lavished quite like this. If they made a DVD of his debut, these are the kinds of quotes that would appear on the cover.

“Best 4 mark performance you will ever see”

“Birth of a demi-god”

“Patton and Cameron combine like Batman and Robin. Only instead of Robin there are two Batmans”

“Patton fought a bear for the right to fight Bear Grylls, and then beat Bear Grylls with the bear.”

I’m almost certain each of those things has been said.


Adelaide, for throwing away 5 goal leads and still winning

Here is a list of things overheard at AAMI Stadium on Friday night.

Prior to half time:

“Gee we can’t seem to get more than 5 goals away from the Saints here. Still, 5 goals is more than handy”

“We should stop letting them kick goals when there are only .37 seconds remaining in the quarter”

Toward end of third quarter:

“St Kilda doesn’t really have that many scary players. Hayes is scary. So is Dal Santo. Goddard should be, but he spends a lot of time holidaying in Notdangerousville. Aside from that, I feel pretty comfortable about matches against them.”

Fourth Quarter

“The ball goes between the two big sticks fellas….”

“That’s another easy goal for them. Won’t somebody please think of the percentage.”

“No really guys…. Percentage”

“Walker hit the post again. Are there magnets in that post? I think somebody should check if there are magnets in that post. There should be some sort of regulator for this kind of thing.”

“I preferred it when the margin started with the number 3”

“You know who’s overrated? Michael Faraday”

“There are very few things more satisfying than seeing Milne screw up from 30cm out directly in front”

“Freaking Milne….”

“I preferred it when the margin started with the number 2”

“Okay this isn’t funny anymore. From now on they are not allowed to touch the ball, okay guys? Starting………….NOW!”



“Well they need 3 goals in 3 and a half minutes, that’s pretty unlikely”


“This is what I get for smiling 35 minutes ago.”

“Oh sweet siren, let your song fill the night sky”

On a positive note, you know your team’s fortunes have changed dramatically when you go from saying “we can’t buy a win here” to “we did everything possible to lose this game, yet we still won”.

Richmond, for doing everything in their power to avoid winning… and still winning

Do you know how hard it is to have 31 scoring shots to 14, yet only win by 12 points? It’s impressive, in a “you’ve shown me once, don’t ever show me again” kind of way. Much like a guy doing a backflip off his roof. Or a guy jumping off his roof, onto a trampoline, and then into a pool. Or a guy jumping off his roof, grabbing a basketball in mid-air, then dunking that ball into a basketball ring. In fact pretty much like everything involving males and a roof.

Kicking 20 or more behinds

Three teams hit the magical 20 behinds or more mark (another addition for the impressive in a “you’ve shown me once, don’t ever show me again” kind of way column). Honourable mention goes to the West Coast Eagles, who fell agonisingly short with 19 behinds. Better luck next week……I guess?

Kicking 20 or more behinds… and still winning

All those teams won. What an odd round.

Nic Naitanui

25 disposals, 31 hit-outs and 7 tackles for the Eagles bigman. His ruck partner Dean Cox had 30 hit-outs of his own, so it comes as no surprise that the Eagles recorded the most clearances of all teams in round 12. Life must be pretty good if you’re an Eagles midfielder.

Dayne Zorko

Did you know the name Dayne, and variations of that name, automatically guarantees you success at AFL level. Dane Swan, Dayne Beams and now Dayne Zorko.  You think the concessions given to the Suns and Giants means a bleak future for the other clubs? Just wait until some wise chap grabs as many Daynes as possible and sets up a new club with a Great Dane for a mascot. We can kiss that cup goodbye for at least decade.

Seriously though, the best thing about the AFL’s expansion is the fact that clubs have been gently prodded into exploring the mature aged recruit route. Ten years ago, the chances of players like Zorko, Magner, Milera, Saad and Morris getting another shot at AFL level were slim to none.

Lance Franklin

For entering the rare “you think I’m having a quiet day, then look at the stats and discover I’ve kicked 5 goals” club.


North Melbourne, for winning and only receiving slightly less criticism than you did your previous game in which you lost by over 100 points.

First, the good news for North Melbourne:

“Harvey kicked 4 goals, that’s pretty good!”

“Petrie had 14 marks! Strong presence!”

“Atley is starting to show some class!”

“Remember when we beat Geelong? That shows we are on the right track! Why do you people keep talking about my job?”

And then the other side of the coin…

“Why does Brad Scott keep mentioning the fact we beat Geelong earlier in the year? It’s starting to sound a lot like that guy on our cricket team who tells everyone about the time he hit 54 not out and conveniently overlooks the fact he averages 7.”

“I’m starting to feel slightly uncomfortable about the fact we’ve been talking about not relying on Brent Harvey as much for about a decade now, yet seemingly nothing has changed in this regard”

“We only beat the Suns by 7 points”

“No really…..the Suns…..7 points”

Hamish Hartlett

An ugly performance from Port Adelaide was made even uglier when Hamish “one-of-three-guys-in-this-team-that-has-good-disposal” Hartlett did yet another hamstring. Can you get hamstring transplants?

The person responsible for packing the backup Guernseys at the Suns

Some sequence of events occurred that led to Gary Ablett playing nearly 3 quarters of football in a ripped top. I was under the impression that teams generally had two of each top with them on game day, you know, in case one got ripped for example.

Now either they didn’t have a backup with them, or Ablett declined a replacement. I have questions regardless of which it is. Hopefully someone still has a job, and will pay more attention next time their mother nags them when they’re packing.

“Did you pack fresh underwear?”

“Yes mum. I have packed underwear. You asked me that 15 minutes ago. The answer has not changed”

“How about toilet paper?”

“I’m sure the hotel will have toilet paper”

“You never know. What if they’re out? It’s better to have some, just in case”

“Fine mother. I will pack some toilet paper.”

“Make sure you have the backup playing tops as well”

“MUM. I’ve packed everything. Okay? Everything! I am leaving for two days, alright? Relax. It’s all there.”

“If you say so”

*fast forward nine hours*

“I’m never going to hear the end of this”

But what if they did have one, and Gary just didn’t want it. Why on Earth would Gary not take a replacement? What if there was an agenda here? We hear all the time about player’s off-field business interests. Maybe Ablett is looking to get into fashion, and thought the ‘football jumper with one side nearly ripped entirely’ was the next in thing. I can’t pretend to have a great deal of knowledge regarding the fashion industry. In fact my understanding is limited entirely to those 30 second spots they sometimes have on the news about what I gather are big fashion doos. But what I’ve learnt from those is practicality is certainly not a requirement for high fashion, and neither is comfort. Indeed it seems to my admittedly uneducated understanding that the more ridiculous the piece of clothing, the better. So Ablett’s addition to the fashion world would fit right in.

I’m onto you Gary.

About Adam Ritchie

My name is Adam. I started watching football with two fellow parapsychologists in an abandoned firehouse. When we’re not watching footy, we’re running our own pest control business. What do you mean I stole that from Ghostbusters?


  1. Ripper. Great insights as usual. Now we are all onto Gaz.

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