The Wrap – Round XVI



And what a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  On Friday night The Miseries were singing The Blues as Good Old North Melbourne Were Really On The Ball.  The Dockers kept their chances of September Action in the realm of a mathematical possibility and those of The Redlegs’ Wooden Spoon Aspirations in the same sphere.  The Bombers bounced back as they blitzed The Chokers in the Shadows of Mt Lofty.  After taking Ben Cousins in from the thorny, stony ground, The Good Samaritans of Struggletown rescue another Lost Lamb up in FNQ.  The Pies put The Reigning Premiers’ into perspective, and The Feeling Faints had the hearts of TLSJOF gagging in their collective mouths as they pull out all the stops to come home with the Four Points up at The Gabbatoir.

Come Sunday and The Mighty Adelaide Crows wiped Footy Park with The Orangemen, kicking The Sweep in the process.  The Mayblooms did a similar job on their fellow 1925 VFL Entrants, Footscray, holding them to the lowest score for the round.  While over in The West, it was The Sin City Rollers who stamped their mark on the 2012 season with an emphatic win over The Compromised Coasters.

When did they change the rule that the full forward had to be at least 10 yards (9m) out from the 10-yard (9m) kick-in rectangle?  At one stage there was even a white line chalked on the turf at the mark, over which the full forward couldn’t encroach until the kick-in had been made.  Wouldn’t it open the game up if the fullback (Or designated kicker – Ed) had more room to move?

We Were Wrong.  It’s been pointed out that in our pre-match predictions we had the following passage – As depleted as they are, they still run a bit of class out onto the paddock, and if they’re as good as they say they are, they should rebound from the shellacking Sydney handed out to them last weekend.  Against our better judgement – Essendon.  Our apologies to all those LSJOF – did anyone else pick it up? It was The Mighty Saints who came Marching Home over The Spluttering Bombers.

Vale Brett Lee.  The Smiling Assassin. Go in good grace son.  You served your country well, and in style.  A regular excitement machine, you warmed our hearts with that winning smile & chainsaw celebration, not to mention lightning pace and rearing jugular-directed bounce.

What is it with the London-bound?  First we had that weight lifter bloke blackmailing officials over in Fiji, now it’s the 400m runner Steffensen who has threatened to pull out if he isn’t moved up to the Numero Uno spot for the long sprint.  That sort of nonsense wouldn’t happen in Footy, would it?  Well, outside of the Lexus Centre that is.

In case you missed it; Eugene Arocca’s selling his collection of Collingwood memorabilia.  The confusing, and at times maudlin, advertorial come job application was on page 2 of The Sage’s Sunday Sportz.  Is that what you call a slow news day?  Could be, but then the next day there’s another story of Boardroom fracturing at Arden Street.  We’re not going to say that it’s more than a coincidence, but if you can stay up late enough to catch the ongoing Football Confidential soapie, Under The Gasometer, more might be revealed tonight.

Oh, and we’d like to thank all those subscribers who e-mailed us that they thought Guy McKenna calling Richmond The Suns’ bitch was a bit over the top.  It has meant a lot to us here in the Wrapcave to know that such fairness & compassion exists out there in The Football Universe.

But enough of my persiflage, let’s see who was seen and unseen in Round XVI.

That Tragic Little Club v The Silvertails.  Blues Brothers and Carlton membership ticket holders please note.  After a short requiem at Etihad Stadium, the cortège will proceed along Royal Parade to Visy Park, where the ashes of The Carlton Football Club will be interned at the Robert Heatley End, after which there will be a sausage sizzle.  The bar opens at four and there’s a bouncy castle for junior members.  I’m sure that we speak for The Entire Football World when we offer our heart felt condolences to family & friends.  Naturally, there’ll be an inquest, and items that the Coroner is sure to be looking at include why Zac Tuohy was selected with a suspect hammer & tack in the first place.  Why so many Carlton players last just a few moments on the field, and why that old bald guy wearing the #5 Jumper applied an Indian death lock hold on an opposition player that Chief Little Wolf would have been proud of.  The absence of most of their listed players is surely something that will also be reviewed.  As for the Shinboners, they just keep getting better.  Ex-Preshil B&F, Toddy Goldstein, and Drew Petrie are blitzing them and hasn’t Daniel Wells fulfilled his early promise?  Then there’s Anthony, Swallow, Ziebell, and let’s not forget Boomer Harvey.  As long as they leave the goalposts in the ground, Boomer will be there taking shots at the space between.  The Gasometer will be rocking till next Sunday when they take on The Tigers at the G in the late one.  The Silvertails?  They take on someone their own size this time around: Footscray under cover on Saturday night.

Melbourne v Fremantle.  Ross Lyon’s season would have been flashing before his eyes towards the end of The Championship Quarter.  With the Dees nearly four goals to the good, in a low scoring arm wrestle, this could well have been a winning margin, and The Purple Horde’s Melbourne Hoodoo could have retuned.  His charges had trailed at every change to that stage and looked gone for all money.  Enter The Pav.  A few big grabs and his teammates lifted.  Helped by Melbourne’s fear of winning, The Barry Crockers ran away with this one to stay in the hunt for September.  They have The Orangemen over on the balmy Indian Ocean Coast of the Fatal Shore to close off proceedings next Sunday.  Melbourne share The Ghan up to the Top End with The Power From Port for a Saturday night encounter.

The Power From Port v The Whingy Hill Mob.  The Salvos took a while to get going, taking till the Final Stanza to distributed the soup & sandwiches to their cold & weary Faithful, who braved the winter chills of The New Arctic Park.  Far from the air-conditioned comfort of the Shifting Sands of Docklands, it took The Marshmallows until the last huddle to warm up and swing into gear.  They’ll need to be quicker out of the blocks to catch The Pussies next week when they open proceedings under cover.  The Tealers are off to warmer climes when they join Melbourne up in the town Cyclone Tracy couldn’t blow down.

Struggletown v The Metermaids.  Let it be said: the Sun rises in the North. The Metermaids were in with a sniff last week, and this week, after jumping away to a nearly six-goal lead in the first half, looked the goods.  The Tiges came back at them in The Championship Quarter, and despite The Metermaids’ persistence, looked to have the Four Points in the bag.  They hadn’t taken into account the coming–of-age of their opponents.  It was an immensely proud moment for all associated with the development of the Gold Coast Football Club, and while the outcome has probably cruelled Richmond’s chances of finishing in their traditional Glorious Ninth, they are proud to share in the moment with the youngsters.  The Endangered Ones, aware of their shortcomings, are off to THOF next Sunday to see how they fare against The Rampaging Shinboners.  The Sunbeams have invited The Lions down to Metricon for the 4th rivalry match between the two Queensland based franchises.  And it should be noted that they came from far and wide to click the turnstiles at Cazaly Stadium.  Compare the 10,961 who filled the ground to capacity to the 17,344 shivering to death at Footy Park, the 13,284 rattling around the MCG, and the 7,669 punters who wandered into Skoda Stadium, unsure if it was the cage fighting finals for Greater Western Sydney or the clock-on for the Penrith to Lithgow pigeon race.

The Cats v The Magpies.  Revenge is sweet.  Revenge for last year’s GF.  The Maggies totally dismantled The Guccis in conditions that reminded all those 61,717 brave Fans cheering their champions, that Football is a Winter game.  But let’s face it; to allow the opposition to score 17-8 in those conditions suggests a defence overwhelmed.  To mange 10-19 under the same conditions suggests an attack underperforming– or under extreme pressure.  Stevie J, who BTW, was in everything from the chips to the hamburgers, scrambled a match losing 1-5.  The Big Tomahawk Richoed an embarrassing 1-4 from half a dozen very gettable shots, and 1st gamer Josh Walker’s three behinds will haunt him for sometime.  That The Moggies have blooded 10 new players this season would suggest, although it hasn’t been voiced publically, we’re witnessing the birth of the New Corio Kittens.  They give away another home match when they host The Dons in the Curtain Raiser next Friday under cover.  Carringbush have the Blockbuster against The Buddyless Hawks on the Saturday arvo.

The Lions v The Saints.  This was a thriller diller with more lead changes than costume variations at a Kylie Concert.  The Seagulls prevailed in the end, after some scintillating football from their small forwards Ahmed Saad & Stinky Milne.  St Seaford slip back into the September Song, and are playing better football this year than last.  Taking some time to settle down after the kafuffle of last year, they’d be grateful for what they’ve achieved this season under Coach Watters.  They stay up North for their Sunday arvo clash with Ladder leaders Steak & Kidney.  The Maroons may have been stiff.  They’ve escaped from The Cellar but September is but a dream for 2012.  They get a chance to climb further up The Ladder than last year when they board the Metricon ride down in Wally World late next Saturday arvo.

The Big Big Sound From The West Of The Town v The Mighty Adelaide Crows.  The Pygmies took full control of the destiny with a percentage boosting 20-goal belting at home.  Coach Mumbles insists that the strategy is in place to bring on the youngsters, and with the way they’re playing ensuring that they’ll have a priority draft picks for some time to come, he could well be right.  With The Sunbeam’s Famous Victory they take a firm grasp on The Coveted Sylvan Shield for Season 2012.  They’re off to Freo next Sunday to finish off the round.  The Chardonnays can take nothing but a huge percentage boost and the Four Points from this monstering.  They’re back in the City of Churches next Saturday arvo to turn off the hot water in the showers for The Rebounding Eagles.

The Tricolours v The Mayblooms.  Those 24,754 SOTG, Faithful, and Punters & Pundits who braved the icy winds of a Bleak City Winter’s day were treated to a master class of how OUR GREAT GAME should be played.  Back to their unsociable best, The Family Club sent a clear message to The Competition; that they take the honour of their Pre-season Flag Favouritism very seriously.  And speaking of unsociable, if Hawthorn were in a play group, their mother would be phoned and told to keep her darling little monster at home in future.  Ignore the scoreline from Skoda Stadium; this was a blood chilling demolition of a professional football team.  The Mayblooms’ tackling was relentless.  The Doggies would have had a better chance of getting a kick in a stable.  But apart from that, they were pretty pathetic.  So lacking in Self Belief, they kicked backwards to avoid responsibility at every opportunity.  Ironically, it’s supposed to be dogs that can sense fear.  Every time they fell back The Hawks stalked them, swooping on the inevitable turnover and creating a scoring-opportunity.  If it happened in any other part of the world Kofi Annan would be there with a delegation with a peace plan.  Unsure and inefficient, there was no escape for The Sons of The West.  There’ll be none next Saturday night neither, when they come up against The Whingy Hill Mob on their shared oval.  For The Mustard Pots, it’s a big one.  They’ve got The Figjams on The G on Saturday arvo.

The Eagles v The Bloods.  This result may not be as significant as it seems at first blush.  The Weagles were down eight regular starters and their weaken attack couldn’t find alterative avenues to goal.  The Swan defence had a clearance sale, and Big Mummy & Mike the Pyke countered the expected dominance of Big Cox & Nick Nat Nui.  This neutralized The West Coast’s main attack force, but it allowed the Emerald City midfielders to get enough of the pigskin to create havoc.  Make no mistake; this Tinseltown Outfit is full of Self Belief.  They are superbly managed, both on & off the field, and fearlessly led in the heat of battle.  They have St Seaford on the Other Cricket Ground next Sunday.  The Weagles will be reeling, but if they’re going to be September Contenders they’ll regroup for a trip to the City of Light next Saturday arvo.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Dunno how that bloke made it from Cairns to la belle France in a day?? Throwing tacks in front of the rampaging Tigers, and then pulling the same stunt on our Cadel. And Casey punctured too. And Sally, and Sam and Bernie.
    Think they are using thumb tacks rather than acupuncture needles on the hamstrings at the Eagles..
    Go you good things.
    You know what they say Mr Wrap “time wounds all heels”. I share your hurt.

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