The Wrap – Round XIII

THE WRAP – ROUND XIII: WHERE LIFE IMITATES FOOTBALL

And what a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The Bangkok Pradas dropped another close one after letting The Sin City Rollers get the jump on them in the Opening Stanza.  The Distemper continues out West at The Kennel The Boys From Old Fitzroy turn it on for Round XIII.  The Figjam Army hung tough to grab the Top Rung of The Ladder against The High Flying Eagles.  Over in The Other West, it was The High Flying Bombers who brought home the bacon, sending Freo Down Below, possibly for the season.  At the Camberwell Sports Ground Oval, The Re-badged F-Troop, now travelling as The Carey Panthers, upset Old Scotch’s Top Two Finish aspirations in The VAFA Boilover.  Led by former Preshil Best & Fairest Julian Rowe, The Fairies outscored Old Scotch by five points.

Come Sunday and the Boilovers continued.  The Shinboners imbibed heavily of the Spiritual Elixir before romping home against The Free Settlers under cover.  On the Big Stage, it was The Demons who found their mojo to make Tom Scully’s return to his homeland a visit he won’t forget in a long time.  And they kicked The Sweep.  They almost delivered the lowest as well, however The Battered Bulldogs held that honour, pipping The Pygmies BTLPM.

Never mind what the howling British press has to say on the matter.  You’d be disappointed if they weren’t whinging wouldn’t you?  Black Caviar has served it up to them over there on their terms.  And let’s hear the end of Luke Nolen’s ride haunting him till the End of Days.  Sure it was a close run thing.  Timed to perfection.  But if Europe wants to challenge, if they want to see their champions humiliated, let them come down here.  We’ve got some of the best tracks on the Planet, knowledgeable crowds and a well regulated racing industry.  Not to mention world class food & wine.  Oh, and fashion Mrs Wrap has just reminded me.  Her comments on Fashioned on the Field were far from flattering.  I think she had HRH in the top five and Black Caviar’s strapper in the top 10.  (What’s unstylish about a drizabone in an English summer Wrap? – Ed) .

Speaking of saddles, Cadel climbs into his for the 99^th Tour de France.  It looks like being a beauty.  More Whinging Pohms to contend with.  And we heard a rumour that they were putting a team in the forthcoming five ringed circus.  That should provide a few laughs as well.

Over in Sunshine Challenged Londinium, the Right Royal Racquet Club is lumping in the strawberries and clotting the cream for the upcoming bash.  Slammin Sammy Stosur, fresh from her brain fade at Roland Garros, is representing the GoldenGreen in the ladies’ division, and Llil Lleyton & Bernard Let’s Go Tomic  in the gentlemen’s.  The A-Bomb is in the same side of the draw as that Darling of the British Isles, Andy Murray (Brit if he wins, Scot if he loses, eh Wrap?- Ed).  Rest assured Andrew, there’ll be no brain fade if Bernard gets you in his bomb sites.

Don’t know if you follow the roundball code – the one where they’re not allowed to use their hands.  Did you catch the news that Harry Kewell’s chucked it?  The game’s a bit tougher Down Under than he anticipated according to what he told The Sage’s Michael Lynch.  He certainly pulled the punters through the turnstiles, but after they’d seen him run around a bit they wanted some wins on the board.  That the White V has been in decline since their 2009 trophy didn’t help much, and that they dumped their coach suggests a club in a rebuilding phase.  Or turmoil if you know more than we do.  So Harry K walked out into the snow.  Good for you Harry.  You don’t need the money.  And Melbourne Victory doesn’t need a Prima Donna League refugee, who by their own admission, has bitten off more than he could chew.

But enough of my persiflage, let’s see who was part of the scene in Round XIII.

The Bloods v The Pivotonians.  It’s just as well The Swans jumped The Cats in the Opening Stanza, because they needed all the buffer they could find to see off The Fast Finishing Moggies.  But The Tinseltowners would have been stiff to lose, eh?  They played three quarters with only XVII men on the field.  Dual Brownlow Medallist Adam The Goodes was anything but the goods.  Returning from a long injury layoff, he had a Barry Crocker of a day and was subbed off at the Last Break.  His replacement, Andrejs Everitt, slotted the last goal of the shootout from a testing angle.  On the other hand, The Opposition had XIX players on the field.  (Turn it up Wrap, you’re not going to claim Maggot McInerney played for Geelong are you? – Ed)  The 50m penalty that bought The Hoopers right back into this match was an absolute gift.  The Geelong Skipper marked a wild clearing kick and stood his ground while the pack spread to give him some target options.  He didn’t moved even a half step off the spot from whence he took the mark – which according to the Rules of The Game is where the player minding the mark is supposed to stand – is entitled to stand.  Sam Read rushed at Enright to make sure he didn’t make a break, pulling up sharply a couple of meters short of where the still stationary Enright stood.  Not sure what was going through the mind of our tip for this year’s Harry Beitzel Medal, but it wasn’t anything to do with the Rules of The Game – in letter or spirit.  To raise further concerns of those who feel that by encouraging gambling the Appalling Football League increases the risk of corruption, it was not long after that bizarre decision that the same maggot ignored – not more than five meters right in front of him – Tony Armstrong being held in a hammerlock while attempting to attack the pigskin.  (You can’t go around saying things like that Wrap; we’re going to have to up the dosage on your medication. – Ed)  If this maggot isn’t running around the Underbool Rec next Saturday officiating at the Sea Lake Nandaly Tigers v Walpeup-Underbool match the job’s not fair dinkum.  (Jimmy Jesse still Captain Coach for the Tiges? – Ed)  Without that gifted six points South Melbourne holds off Geelong in a thriller.  As it turned out the Football Gods overrode Maggot Central, and The Lakers had to regain the lead a couple of times before taking home the bacon – as well as the Eight Points riding on this one.  Naturally it raises the question: are TRP going to be defending their title come September?  Six of their remaining 10 matches are against teams above them on The Ladder.  Another is against St Kilda on the Shifting Sands.  Presuming the results go with form, they’d only have 11 wins and an even-steven percentage – unless they can boost it against The Chokers, The Metermaids and The Kennel Coughs.  A question that should keep the patrons of the Trendy Waterfront Bars along Eastern Beach and the sub editors at The Addy busy over the next month or so.  (Not to mention the editorial meetings at The Footy Almanac – Ed)  They get some respite next Sunday when they host The Tealers.  As for the Swanees, they move into the Top Four dent of their superior percentage.  They have a chance to improve it even further next Saturday night at the local derby.

The Sons of The West v The Roy Boys.  The corner The Yap Yaps turned last weekend turned out to be down a blind alley.  Goalless for the Championship Quarter, they were thoroughly flogged by The Maroons.  Another Brownlow Medallist had his colours lowered, and it’s clear that there’s something wrong with Adam Cooney.  Whether it’s above or below the shoulders is not clear.  What is clear is that The Roar’s gone out of The Boys of The Bulldog Breed, as much as it’s returned to The Pride.  Jonathon Brown was his usual reckless self, Tiger reject Andrew Raines kicked a goal off halfback and Ash McGrath and Daniel Merritt kicked nine goals between them.  We hate to be the bearers of sad news, but it’s looking very much like those old Doggone Dogs are gone.  (Or have they gone to the dogs Wrap? – Ed)  They have The Whingy Hill Mob next Saturday night on their shared ground.  At least they can expect more than 20,146 to turn up.  There’s nothing like the smell of blood to bring out the best in the Essendon Faithful.  The Gorillas get a chance to make it two on the trot when they host The Fuchsias on the Sunday under the palms.

The Carringbush Magpies v The West Coast Eagles.  Dominate the Championship Quarter and you usually win the match.  Not sure who said that, but it proved correct on Saturday.  This was a classic arm wrestle between two teams who are going to have a big say in who holds aloft The 2012 Premiership Cup.  In the end it was indecisive.  A sparring match between two heavyweights testing each other out for the main event.  The Visitors conceded the away four points, but get a chance to regain them in the Penultimate H&A Round.  And yes, Cloke was brilliant and Swan & Beames dominated the midfield, the latter roosting three majors, including the one that regained The Pies the lead.  (you didn’t want to mention that some SOTG may have considered – in the context of the match – that the free could have been seen as fortuitous did you Wrap? – Ed)  With 18 minutes on the clock – The Maggies held on in a titanic struggle that was more Rugby than Football.  The Coasters only have a couple of serious challenges – The Charddies in the Shadows of Mt lofty in Round XVII & The Hawkers on The Sacred Turf to close off the Home & Away Series.  The Maggies should make the most of Top Spot while they hold it; they have quite a challenging journey to September.  Included in those challenges are Sydney at ANZ Stadium, Hawthorn & Essendon on The Paddock That Grew.  The latter on TLSIA.  That’s apart from a trip to Perth the weekend before.  They also play a few danger games: Geelong, Carlton & Greater Western Sydney.  Next week they have Freo in Melbourne on the Saturday.  The Nick Natnuis return to the Balmy Indian Ocean Shores to lay down The Rebound Welcome Mat for The Sunbeams.  And I hate to bring this up Eddie, but those Bandwagon Tix you sent – thanks BTW – but they’re for last year.  You know we’re great fans around here in Wrapland.  Nurelle’s folks used to have a milk bar in Alphington, you remember the one, next door to Kutt’s Diary on Heidelberg Road.  Auntie Elsie’s well into her nineties now, and it’d give her  big thrill to have a Bandwagon Ticket with the Oval Office Seal on it.  See what you can do will you Mate.  There’s still a bit of time yet, but I don’t want to leave it till the last minute, you know what I mean.

The Barry Crockers v The Marshmallows.  If you lived in that quadrant north of the Yarra and east of the Maribyrnong you’d be including Jobe Watson in your prayers, wouldn’t you?  Where would they be without him?  If there’s a hard ball to get – he’s your man.  If there’s a Captain’s Goal to be kicked – he’s your man.  If there’s a coin to be tossed – who else would you turn to?  (We’re definitely upping your medication Wrap – Ed)  This was a Famous Victory that, in some degree, atones for the Four Points squandered against The Redlegs.  The Bombers are playing with Self Belief, and appear to be getting better as the season rolls on.  Their finishing capability, once their weakness, has become their strength and, in a hectic game, they finished all over The Anchormen in front of 34,567 Pundits, Pundits, Fans, & SOTG.  This loss would be one The Dockers would have marked down as a win, and sitting at 6&6 with a sub-par percentage, they’re eying the fixture with some wariness.  Next week’s visit to THOF as guests of The Pied Warblers would, you imagine, weigh heavily on their minds through the week.  Furthermore, although their remaining 10 matches provide opportunities to do something about their poor percentage, it doesn’t give them many Eight Point Matches against teams they would hope to leap frog into The Eight.  Only Richmond (H) and North Melbourne (A) would fall into that category, whilst games against Adelaide (A) & WCE are, on current form, likely losses.  If they can win what they should, they could secure an invitation for the 1^st weekend in September, presuming the results beyond their control go their way.  But if they unpack the Flaky Freo game it’s good night nurse.  The Gliders have The Tricolours on Saturday night.

The Redlegs v The Penrith Pygmies.  in front of 20,070 Long Suffering Redleg Faithful yesterday, The Dees notched their 2^nd win of the season and just may have blown their Coveted Sylvan Shield chances for 2012.  They held a one straight kick advantage at the 1^st Huddle, but after that it became a procession.  They did a Luke Nolan in the home straight, kicking 2-7 to 3-1 in the Closing Stanza, but by then they were home and hosed and the stands were emptying in the gathering mid-winter twilight.  Jack Who looked good running around on his Pat Malone down back, but it was the Fuchsias’ harder bodies and older heads that sealed the fate of The Breakfast Pointers.  We’ll find out whether Demon Hearts Are Beating True when they slip up Highway 1 to take on Boss Voss’ Charges on the Sunday.  For Sheedy’s Young Shenanigans it’s the local derby on the Saturday night at the Other Olympic Park.

The Shinboners v The Free Settlers.  This was supposed to be a walkover for The Mighty Adelaide Crows.  After all, The Pride of South Australia was up there with the best of them, and unfashionable North Melbourne were being slated as the biggest disappointment since Eve slipped Adam the apple.  Kangaroo President James Brayshaw was amongst the 18,866 cheering on the Roos reversal of form.  And Preshil is fast becoming known as the Football Factory, with another Best & Fairest, Toddy Goldstein, taking The Chardonnays’ powerhouse ruckman Sam Jacobs out of the game and becoming a solid contributor himself.  But the star was without doubt was Daniel Wells.  When Wellsie turns on the magic North are always a chance.  And let’s take nothing away from the players’ ability to roll out the Coach’s game plan.  They got the ball moving wide by hand and drove it deep by foot.  And, much to the relief of TLSGOF, it worked a treat.  Not that the Crows didn’t come at them throughout the match, as good sides do, but it was going to take more than a Murder of Crows to take the hop out The Kangas yesterday.  The Free Settlers are back home next Saturday to host The Tigers in the early one.  The Shinboners, hopefully maintaining their return to form, are guests of St Seaford on their shared oval.

(You forgot to mention the loss to North Melbourne has tipped The Crows out of the Top Four Wrap – Ed)

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.