The Wrap – Round 1



What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The round started with the same old, same old déjà vu all over again as Bluebaggers pricked The Tiger Bubble in the Traditional Season Opener.  A few days before there was a promotional friendly between Sheedy’s Scallywags & The Vaucluse Racquet & Crochet Club, which the VRARC predictably won.  On the Friday night the Punters, Pundits & True Believers packed The G again to watch Hawthorn unleash its Premiership Year against an undermanned Carringbush.  While undecided until the closing stages, the result, in hindsight, was also predictable.

The Fuchsias sent a shiver down the collective spine where Heart Beats True For The Red & The Blue as they capitulated to a Brissy Outfit that looked like they’re settling down to life as the Senior Team from Bananaland.  Adelaide held the mirror up to The Sunbeams, who shone no brighter than a pallid moon – as they did last year.  Guy McKenna might do well to have someone with legal training read through the fine print on his contract.  The Dockers added Painters to their title as The Purple Haze enveloped the Punch Happy Cats.  And The Melting Marshmallows survived a fast finishing North to notch their first win of the season.

Come Sunday and the mayhem continued for the new boys.  The Bulldogs were no match for Top Four Candidates West Coast and The Feeling Faints failed to overhaul a five-goal lead they coughed up in the opening 15 minutes.

OMG Department.  Hands up those who couldn’t stand Mick The Maltster’s post-match diatribe when he coached The Maggies?  Phew, that’s a lot.  Are you sure some of you haven’t got two hands up?  (They all have Wrap – Ed)  So how about signing a petition to get him removed from, or at least given a minor role on match days, like say Christie’s old job as boundary rider.  Add to Mick’s contribution the inanities of Dear Old Bruce McAvaney boring us into a state of unending constipation.  This is going to be an excruciating season of viewing for free to air devotees.

And while we’re on about free to air, did you notice Channel Kerry & Foxtel are at loggerheads?  Foxtel reckon the feed from Channel Kerry’s free to air games has a blank space where the adverts go.  They claim it wouldn’t be fair to the punters on free to air to have a commentary in the space for Foxtel subscribers.  Seriously, do they really think we don’t tape the broadcast and fast-forward the adverts anyway?

Well, Wrappers – how did you go?  It’s always tough in the opening round isn’t it?  What would you say was a pass mark?  Six?  Three of the results were gimmees.  (What, not counting Carlton as a gimmee Wrap? – Ed)  The Melbourne outcome was reasonably unpredictable – and the rest were open.  Three games went down to the wire – come on, The Pies were neck & neck with Hawthorn till the last furlong.  Of the rookie coaches, all but one suffered losses, which is unfortunate for the respective clubs and the marketing department at the Appalling Football League.  The only new coach with previous senior experience had his charges fired up and fighting fit.  Some of those August Ladders may finish up being a little Melbournecentric, eh?

Of course everyone is queuing up to sink the slipper into The Tigers.  Does Richmond really need to play Carlton in the season’s opener queries The Sage’s Jake Niall.  Yes Jake, they do.  Here’s a team that is building from the foundations up against a team that some have inked in to play off on TLSIS.  (That’s a turn-up Wrap; you had them a generous 6th last week – Ed)   Come on Jake, the Tiger Cubs did better this year than last year, and better again than the year before that.  Carlton is Richmond’s yardstick, not its nemesis.

But enough of my gabbin.  Let’s see who made the run in Round I.

The Hawks v The Magpies.  The Battle of The Birds.  For the second night in a row The G was packed to the pie stalls & beer booths.  And what a match it was.  The Maggies, outgunned in many respects, put up a valiant effort but at the end of the day they had no counter for the brilliance of Lance & Cyril, nor were they able to overcome The One For All & All For One of a Leafy East Outfit that is destined to go far this season.  The Carringbush Faithful will be by now be starting to wonder if Ben Reid is up to playing at this level.  He’s not the first person to be felled by a Chance Bateman shirtfront, but he may well be the biggest.  And it wasn’t as if he needed eyes in the back of his head to see it coming.


But it’ s not all Doom & Gloom at the Lexus Centre.  Tony D’Anna at Boccaccio Cellars has been barracking for Collingwood since he was a kid.  He says it was the first time he’d seen The Pies play the corridor for 20 years.  They’ll get some players back and only get better at going for the doctor as they get used to it.  They’ve got The Tigers on the rebound next Saturday night.  You can guess where.  The Hawkers were at their Family Club best and we can only expect more of the same against a depleted Geelong next Monday’s Easter Blockbuster. 

The Fuchsias v The Boys From Old Fitzroy.  Fortune failed to favour the brave tipsters who went for the Homeside in this one.  In the match up to ½ time, The Dees sank like a paper boat in the Brisbane flood.  With it went down the hopes of TLSRF.  For how long we won’t know until we see how recklessly they fling themselves against the parapets of Fortress Sooby next Saturday.  The Bad News Bears slip home to roll out the red carpet for The Miseries.  They will be well pleased with their performance and a trip to Brissy may be more than a plane ride to collect the Four Points this season.

The Metermaids v The Pride of South Australia.  The Little Master notched up three Brownlow votes from this outing, but his teammates hardly inspired.  Yes, they were up against the Reigning Whatever Cup Holders, but it was up in their brand new glitzy stadium in front of 12,790 curious onlookers, and they don’t appear to playing a brand of Footy that’s much different from what they dished up last season.  The Crows on the other hand looked every bit the team that was expected to contest September two seasons back.  They go back to prepare Crow Park for the Hapless Bulldogs on Saturday night.  The Metermaids have St Seaford under cover on the Sunday.

The Barry Crockers v The Reigning Premiers.  Make that The Painters & Dockers.  Under Rossy Lyon they’ve learnt to stand their ground.  As Messrs Scarlett, Podsiadly & Kelly can testify.  This was a bruising encounter, with its fair share of venom.  The Reigning Premiers gave The Wharfies a five-goal lead and it looked all over bar the shouting.  The fight back was heroic, and it was blow for blow all night.  Either side could have won, and the Victory would have been deserved and well won, but it was The Purple Horde that took the Four Points.  Look honestly, this match had more pivotal moments than a Labor caucus meeting.  Fyfe took control of the footy time and time again at crucial moments.  The Icon Journeyman backed his judgement and showed why Roscoe invited him to join him at Fremantle.  Ballantyne sucked in anything dressed in Blue & White Hoops, including the veteran Geelong fullback and coach, who both should have known better that to respond to his yapping.  But our hero was The Mighty Pav.  Tipped to be at his peak physically, he sent The Visitors Down Below with a couple of timely Captain’s Goals: one to put his side in front in time-on and just to prove the point, another – a classic mid-air shot – to seal it.  The Moggies have got all week to simmer over what happened, and what better side to take their bile out on than Reigning Premiership Favourites Hawthorn.  The Stevedores catch the Indian Pacific across the Nullarbor as guests of Steak & Kidney.

The Shinboners v The Bad News Bombers.  You don’t have to be dead to be stiff, eh?  That was a very kickable goal Hamish McIntosh missed, and they really deserved the win the way they stormed home.  But it was a controversial game with the video review system having a bearing on the outcome.  Having Hooker off early in the piece didn’t help the Bomber cause either, but Cale Hooker’s brain fade was an undisciplined act from a team we’ve been told has the most professional coaching team in The Competition.  The match told us little, other than these two teams are competitive and on their day will test the best of them.  North host The Other Team From Coathanger Bay on the Sunday at Ballarat, so you can take in the Stawell Gift, visit the Eureka Diorama and a Footy game all without having to move very far.  The Bombers have the New Port Power on the Saturday under cover.

The Western Bulldogs v The Western Eagles.  The Doggies were in this one on the scoreboard in the 1st half, but The Coasters kicked 11-4 to 4-7 in the second to make this a bad day for the new Footscray coach.  And how long before we see the We Were Wrong notice on the Bluebagger & Fighting Bulldog websites?  Josh Kennedy gave The Weagles a focus in attack that Carlton sorely lack (Do you think it could cost them a Flag Wrap? – Ed) and Josh Hill, while he didn’t seem to do much, contributed three goals to the West Coast scoreline.  The Eagles have Melbourne next Saturday and The Dishlickers face The Chardonnays over there the same day.

The Power v The Feeling Faints.  Has Port slipped under the radar?  Or have The Feeling Faints slipped that much?  True, The Sainters hauled in a five goal break to go down by less than a straight kick, but hey, how does a team that has regularly played Finals Footy over the last decade go down to a team that lost The Coveted Timber Trophy on a narrow percentage margin last year?  These questions, and many more, will be answered next round when St Kilda host The Metermaids on the Sunday and Port try their luck against The Dons on the Saturday on the Shifting Sands of Docklands.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Phil Dimitriadis says

    Emotions running high as everyone has been waiting for their fix so long. If the melodrama continues at this rate we’ll all be exhausted by ANZAC day. Nice wrap Wrapster.

  2. Richard Naco says

    Good Wrap.

    Melbourne were the only major disappointments of the weekend. All the other losing sides either played to their potential, or have plenty of time to get their mojo back.

    And I’ll make the Bold and the Beautiful here and now: GWS will not come 18th this year. The Gold Coast will also make a decent walk for that title, but there are a couple of the established units that also appear to be doing a pas de deux with the abyss.

    And although the Hawks do look good right now (a situation unlikely to diminish next Monday), there will be no team dominating all and sundry as we have seen over the last few seasons.

    2012 is going to be a cracker of a year.

  3. Wrapster – as usual your analysis is cutting and insightful However I disagree completely with your description of “The Mighty Pav”. He’s a passenger. Yes he kicks the flukey goal out of midair at the end to seal the game but when its tough and hard and the game is up for grabs he just stands at fullforward trying to see over his enormous nostrils, and does sweet FA.

    Mark my words Dockers fans, he will let you down when it counts. A big September day and the Pav will be more like a souffle.

  4. The Wrap says

    She’s shaping as a ripper season, eh Phil. I can see at least six teams with the wherefore all to rattle The Ladder come September.

    And I reckon you might be right about The Sunbeams RN. They’ve got kids playing that need the trainers to remind them to put their mouthguards in after a set shot. But I wouldn’t give up on The Dees just yet. From what we saw and heard on the weekend, they could walk away with the Coveted Timber Trophy down in the Kooweerup League.

  5. The Wrap says

    You sound like a disgruntled Dockers’ Fan Dips. How about 17 possessions – 6 0f them contested. Five marks & 3 goals from 88% game time. He kicked the first goal of the match to ignite The Dockers’ charge and his two Captain’s goals were were split by a Captain’s clearing kick from half back that cleared the centre square turned a Geelong attack. That’s leadership. But I’ve taken aboard your comments and we’ll be watching more closely from the bowels of the Wrapcave. From now on he’ll be a WPP – Wrap Project Player..

  6. Yous needs a bit of that Pav up front wiv them Tiges Wrapster. And yous cooda ad im if yous was a lert.

  7. Wrapster – 17 possessions is meaningless. I could get 17 possessions if I was 6’6″ and built like Hercules. Pav’s a dud.Watch him closely and report back.

    I also seek the Wrapsters views on this week’s reports: Scarlet gets 3 for facing up to a bloke and belting him in the mouth – fair enough. Ballantyne gets 2 for a dog act snipe on a bloke who wasn’t looking. His punch made Chappy vomit, Scarlett’s hit was a gentle poke that didn’t even rattle Ballantyne’s teeth. Seems strange to me.

  8. Do you believe in Leprechauns Dips?

    Surely after the recent history of the MRV you can’t ecpect anything less that either incompetenet, inconsistent or corrupt rulings.

    It was all summed up by King Dom in his statement inferring that it’s just footy, boys will be boys, the season has started. On other occasions he has been outraged at lesser unsavoury acts. We will do what we want and you can’t do a thing; tee hee, hee.

    Every time I watch the replay of last year’s GF i think of the way Joel Selwood was treated for sorting out the school bully last year I laugh. It backfired badly on the AFL.

    Scarlett got about par for a dumb act where he should have not accepeted the invitation. With his experience he should know better. But someone else gets a Brownlow for splitting open a pavlova.

    That is just the way it is.

  9. The Wrap says

    Is that right Phanto? We should get one of those lerts down at Tigerland.

    And as I said Dips – he’s a Wrap Project Player from now on. Never mind Ballantyne getting a fortnight for slipping Chappy one. I’d have have given him four weeks with hard labour for his dive when he got clipped in the forward pocket. For crying out loud, Scarlett’s feet didn’t move. If it was genuinely KOed, you’d have to classify him as having a glass jaw, and his players’ license should be withdrawn under medical advice.

    Furthermore, he was nice and brave in front of his home crowd. He’s got to play more than a third of his matches in the Cauldron of AFL. Let’s see how he goes with a Melbourne mob baying for his blood.

  10. Andrew Fithall says

    A point of order Wrapters – BA in the footy fixture represents Blundstone Arena, formerly lnown as Belrive Oval in Hobart. So North Melbourne are not playing GWS at Ballarat at Eureka Stadium, which Gigs so beautifully named Eureka Stockadium.

  11. The Wrap says

    Point taken. I thought it was a bit strange. I took the lead from Monday’s Sage – the Leafy East home delivery edition – on your doorstep before cockcrow. The subbies in there have probably never heard of Hobart.

    I can scan it for you if you like. Always nice to be one up on the mainstream press.

  12. Bellerive, AF. And it is not in Hobart. It is in the City of Clarence which is on the eastern shore of the Derwent. Hobart and Clarence are completely different animals. It is sort of like saying Victoria park is in Carlton.

    Has anyone got the up to date figures on how much the Victorian Government puts directly into AFL Football each year? There is a stated expectation from AFL Tasmania that the Tasmanian Government should (yes should) subsidise AFL games in Tasmania.

    Considering that Tasmania hasn’t got two bob to bless itself with at the moment I find it strange that it should be expected to subsidise one of the biggest and geographically diverse businesses in the country.

    Only the hand out hobos of Hobart could dream that one up.

  13. The Wrap says

    Another good one Phanto – about the AFL being a business. News to me. I thought it was a license to print money. Fair dinkum – a medium bucket of chips cost $7 last Thursday night. And the little bugger scoffed them down in less than a minute.

    And while we’re on grounds, I may not have been paying attention. Can anyone tell me the significance of Simonds Stadium?

  14. Jeesh Dips. A bit hard on The Pav mate. Some credit should be given to Mackie, who is a great match up for The Pav, and has beaten him on many occasions, and had him beat til deep in the game on Sat night. Seriously though, you are way off the mark with that observation, and unduly harsh. To warn Dockers fans that he’ll let us down when it counts is pretty insulting. This is a man that has stuck with us through hard, hard times, and in round one of a new season full of hope and promise, has played more than his part in defeating the reigning premiers, and best team of the last five years. This is coming off a major spray from Malthouse in the Weekend West too. Poor timing all round.

  15. Andrew Starkie says

    Big talking points from rd1:

    the breakneck speed of the matches; can they keep it up?
    big men still win matches, ie Buddy and Hille
    big men still lose them, ie Hamish
    noise pollution at games; shame if you actually want to talk to the people you’re with
    players’ tatts, haircuts and tans; apparently you can’t get a tattooist, barber or solarium down Chapel on match days
    is rd1 over yet?

  16. Rick Kane says

    Possibly best question posed about the 2012 AFK season so far – Is Round 1 over yet? Like it Mr Starkie, like it.

  17. Smithy – I hate wasted talent. Pav should be up there with the likes of Goddard or Pendlebury or Hodge. He has all the atributes to be as great as James Hird – but he’s not. To me he’s a dangerous footballer who can be defended out of the game. Great players don’t get defended out of the game. Not as often as Pav anyway.

  18. Dips – I could wheel out the old (lazy) maxim that if Big Pav played for a Melburn club he might be recognised as part of that group… Look I hear what you’re saying but he’s a bigger boy then those you’ve named; nearly 10 kilos heavier and 5cm taller than Goddard, the biggest of that bunch. I think comparing him to John Brown and St Nick is more appropriate. And for what it’s worth, I reckon he’s better than Nick (more flexible, consistent), and has the accolades to back that up. He’s got another year or two to pip Brown for the title of best mobile CHF of the post-Carey era (while Brown also has the same timeframe to consolidate that title). It’s a big year for The Pav and his standing in the game, so we’ll soon see anyway. Also don’t forget he’s a bloody ornament, a real cleanskin. His post-match humility and respect towards Lingy and Geelong spoke volumes about his character. My two cents anyway.

  19. Smithy – fair call. I reckon Riewoldt is over rated too! But that’s another argument.

    If the big Pavlova holds up a Premiership Cup that would shut me up.

  20. The Wrap says

    You’ll finish up having counselling with Aaron Davey the way you’re going Dips. Which Riewoldt?

    But I’ve got to pull you up too, Smithy. Putting Good Old Dips in the same basket as Mickey Malthouse is a bit harsh wouldn’t you say?

  21. The Wrap says

    Put me down to sign a Get Up petition to stop noise pollution at the games. And what’s with the rock band? Then again, it could be worse. Andreas could have signed up Meat Loaf for the whole season.

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