The 2020 Creme de Menthe Cup – Round 15


Greetings Tipsters



It has latterly been brought to our attention that the published work of our client, Earl O’Neill, may not always be perceived for the fiction that it is.

We thus wish to clarify that the events described in the 2020 Cup, including but not limited to scores, injuries, goalkicking feats, off-field shenanigans, technological revolutions and societal evolution, are entirely the product of his ever-active imagination.

Kindest regards

W H Taft
Legal counsel
Trans-Dementia Inc


Remember the good ol’ days of erratic, eccentric club presidents? Big John Elliott, Diamond Joe Gutnick, Ian (‘The Condom King’) Dicker. Ah, grand days of yore. If I could find my old columns, I’d quote myself rhapsodising about the vim and vigour of those legends.


So it did indeed warm my heart when sources reported to me that Smiling David Koch and Grinning Tony Cochrane had allegedly engaged in a vicious, no-holds-barred food fight at an upscale Gold Coast fine dining establishment one balmy evening last week. Seems it began with Tony offering David a wager on the result of a Grand Final featuring their clubs. Smiling David refused to entertain the notion of such an eventuality so Grinning Tony, in good cheer, flicked a prawn in David’s direction that unfortunately and unintentionally made contact and became entangled in what remains of his hair.


David returned fire, flicking a spoonful of kumera mash that bespattered Tony’s lapels and then it was Katy-bar-the-door as they manouvred the length of the banquet table. Half-noshed wagyu beef steaks, sauteed string beans, and finely wrought sauces were flying like the USN air fleet at the sinking of IJN Yamato.


By all accounts it was a hard but fair fight, no quarter given nor asked, and the viewers were greatly entertained by the spectacle. Some thought it may have gone too far when, amid a volley of cherry tomatoes, David pursued Tony into the private room and they seized upon a stock of ammunition in the form of a triple chocolate and extra cream wedding cake but Jaxon and Jazmyn were thrilled by the unexpected entertainment and leapt into the spirit of the event, dousing the combatants with the cheaper champagne.


Such mighty labours eventually took a toll on even these boardroom-honed physiques and they collapsed into a vast floral arrangement mumbling “You’re alright, mate” and “You’re a good bloke” and were last reported to be sitting in the carpark with a sixpack of Strohs and giggling over plans to take Eddie McGuire on a pig-hunting trip in the Atherton Tablelands.


It was a warm eve at the Gabba when the Lions came out to play. And, oh boy, didn’t they! Up 12.2 to 4.5 at halftime, it was looking like a good ol’ thrashing but the Hawks bit down and kept the second half respectable. Brisbane 17.10.112, Hawthorn 9.8.62.


Rutten’s ‘honeymoon’ didn’t last too long but the Bombers played with a good bit of grunt and verve. Trouble being, the Dogs had more of both and more pace around the ground. Any time the Bombers threatened, the Dogs simply went up another ‘eat my dust’ gear. Footscray 12.12.84, Essendon 10.13.73.


But for some errant goalkicking in the third when they had the ascendancy, the Schoolies may well have won this one. The Fuschias stayed steady in the last term but didn’t secure the win even with their last goal with 24 minutes on the clock. There were a few desperate minutes while the visitors threw everything at the home team. Melbourne 14.13.97, Gold Coast 12.16.88.


Have the Cats been deceiving us? They start to look good, then something like this happens. Which shouldn’t take anything away from the effort and, at times, class that the Blues displayed. They held their nerve in a tense final quarter when the Cats kicked 3.1 to 0.4. Carlton 11.13.79, Geelong 11.8.74.


By jingoes, I wouldn’t want to have spent half a minute in the midfield in this match. It was brutal. Thump, bang, crash, I’ll bet I wasn’t the only one to imagine those voice bubble inserts from the old Batman teev series. Pretty much every goal meant a lead change. Lynch’s shot from 55 with 29 minutes on the clock in the fourth fell agonisingly short. I do love the northerly winds sometimes. GWS 9.11.65, Richmond 8.13.61.


The odds on a Shinboners win in Perth were pretty long so if you dropped this weeks pay on them for a win, congratulations. It wasn’t a pretty game by any means, the visitors made the ground look a lot smaller by harassing and bumping every chance they got, the Wiggles just couldn’t find a way out of the gridlock. Nice to see full forwards have some fun, Brown kicked five, Kennedy three. North Melbourne 13.16.94, West Coast 11.14.80.


Much as expected, this match. The 4&20s did what they had to, took the four points and percentage boost. Collingwood 15.17.107, Adelaide 7.4.46.


Score makes this one look closer than it was. Saints controlled the match but never got more than three kicks ahead. Just as they looked like running away with it, Swans would drag themselves back into the contest by force of will. St Kilda 14.8.92, Sydney 12.10.82.


Bit of a hometown party for Port, this game had the air of an end-of-school celebration where the cocksure Yr 12 blokes took on the Yr 11 blokes on the back oval. Raising the obvious question, will the Purps ever graduate? Port Adelaide 16.8.104, Fremantle 11.11.77.


Taking a glance at the ladder, the Top Four are well clear of the pack, despite two of them losing on the weekend. Barring disaster, they’ll all stay there. Matches between this lot have been the closest, hardest of the season. Then we’ve five teams on eight wins and one on seven. Of those, Brisbane and St Kilda have the best and most entertaining form tho North’s grunt and thump style could work in finals. Beyond that, stragglers and no-hopers. Figured Port would’ve been better than this and Essendon a lot better.


Cheers, Tipsters


P&C, A Stop Privatisation Of Football production, a division of Trans-Dementia Inc.

Brought to you with the assistance of Hal Blaine’s #1 hits.


GW – 1302 – 1043 – 124.83 – 46
Ri – 1285 – 1125 – 114.22 – 42
Co – 1262 – 1043 – 121.00 – 40
WC – 1279 – 1104 – 115.85 – 40
Br – 1282 – 1110 – 115.50 – 32
Ge – 1219 – 1110 – 108.82 – 32
SK – 1168 – 1117 – 104.57 – 32
NM – 1091 – 1088 – 100.28 – 32
Fo – 1088 – 1111 – 97.93 – 32
Me – 1143 – 1124 – 101.69 – 28
Sy – 1149 – 1125 – 102.13 – 24
PA – 1135 – 1128 – 100.62 – 24
GC – 1068 – 1232 – 86.69 – 20
Ha – 1010 – 1247 – 80.99 – 20
Ca – 1091 – 1227 – 88.92 – 16
Fr – 1006 – 1156 – 87.02 – 16
Ad – 1027 – 1235 – 83.16 – 16
Es – 906 – 1227 – 73.84 – 8


Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.


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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. Jaxon and Jazmyn. Brilliant Earl. We said goodbye to Keith and Pam some time ago!

  2. Earl O'Neill says

    Mickey, Keith and Pam’s wedding at St James, Richmond in November 1980 was one for the ages.

  3. Losing to the Kangas at home? Jeez Earl everyone’s sticking the boots into my Eagles these days. Still I’ll take 2 games clear with the double chance.
    Keep imagining Earl – I can’t take any more reality.

  4. This is better than the real thing at the moment

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