The 2020 Backroads Cup – Round 20

Earl O’Neill rolls down the windows and lets out the clutch on a Grand Tour of footy as it should have been played in Round 20 of the AFL season as God intended. His car radio has the round the grounds summary of the weekend’s footy scores brought to you by Hanley’s Agricultural Supplies for all your bulk fertiliser needs.

The 2020 Martha Graham Cup – Round 19

Earl O’Neill is on some heavy duty opiates for his joint pain. The result is a psychedelic imagining of making footy telecasts more creative and captivating through interpretive dance. Come for the LSD trip (Luke, Sandy and Dwayne) and stay for how Round 19 scores might have shaken out in a better world.

The 2020 Fred Smith Cup – Round 18

The good news is AFL is up to Round 18 in the season as God intended. And Earl O’Neill is organising the Grand Final entertainment this year. Name the band and read the weekend’s results. Bad news is Earl’s gone in the shockers just like his Monaros.

The 2020 Cool Dry Cup – Round 17

Earl O’Neill has joined the long term injury list but he managed to catch all the weekend’s games from the rehab mat. A comprehensive review of AFL Round 17 as God, Gillon and the original fixture intended (not in that order).

The 2020 First Amendment Cup – Round 16

Earl steers his mental jetliner into the turbulence of censorship opinion before returning to the clear air of fictional football. [Content warning – not for kids. Ed]

The 2020 Creme de Menthe Cup – Round 15

The end of June sees us 15 rounds into the AFL Season as God intended (and passed the match reports onto his son Earl). Club Presidents Kochie and Cochie have been fighting over the season’s spoils. Earl O’Neill has the inside story on how they sorted out their differences. [Another episode in Earl’s parallel, fictional footy season – Ed.]

The 2020 Jeff Beck Cup – Round 14

Take 5 footy fans, Earl O’Neill and Dave Brubeck bring you the AFL season as intended. Round 14 (whoever heard of Round 3 in June – ridiculous) sees the Tigers winning and the Bombers triumphing under new coach Rutten. Remember the good old days when you sacked the coach and not the season?

The 2020 Rabbit Hole Cup – Round 13

Earl O’Neill runs his eyes over the teams that had the Round 13 bye and summarises the weekend results. Why believe in a footy season with 16 minute quarters, no crowds and a night Grand Final in summer asks Earl?

The 2020 ‘Onya Liz’ Cup – Round 12

Earl O’Neill welcomes the bye in a long, hard (imaginary-Ed) AFL season. Round 12 brought some upsets and a cracking Queens Birthday match at the ‘G. Earl runs his eye over the resting teams and reckons Kenny from Camperdown will be taking in the Grand Annual from his back porch next season.

The 2020 Dave Flanagan Cup – Round 11

Earl O’Neill reflects on the life and times of Dave Flanagan and how his larrikin spirit inspired the growth of AFL across the country. Condolences to his wives, children, and spiritual and legal advisers. Round 11 results seem like an afterthought with the ladder leaders coming back to the pack in an (imaginary – Ed.) season full of surprises.

The 2020 Nicky Winmar Cup – Round 10

Earl stayed on for the Diggers and Dealers Convention in Kalgoorlie but was disappointed in the lack of old Anzacs or good ganja. (You couldn’t make this stuff up, unless you’re Earl – Ed.)

The 2020 Red Wine Cup – Round 9

Plenty of surprises in Earl O’Neill’s review of Round Nine in the (imagined) AFL season. Just when we thought the top teams were sorted, the Tigers turn into pussies and the Cats turn into Tigers. Did you hear the one about the Englishman who turned into a newsagency

The 2020 Ruth Gordon Cup – Round 8

Earl O’Neill dishes the dirt on the coach, the thief, his wife and his mother. Earl’s not naming names yet but players at home can put the pieces together. Breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day has never had such complicated overtones. Thankfully, Round 8 of the AFL delivered some terrific footy to distract us. (Imagine how feral an imaginary footy press would be about this particular imagined season – Ed).

The 2020 Good For Football Cup – Round 7

Brought to you from the banana lounge in my backyard with the assistance of neighbours’ lawnmower and circular saw. [Earl’s imagined footy comp keeps rolling – Ed]

The 2020 Oscar Compson Cup – Round 6

Earl O’Neill reviews the results from the Anzac round of AFL matches. Plenty of surprises on the field but the biggest shock this week was an AFL star breaking down the barriers Ian Roberts shattered 25 years ago in the NRL. (Earl’s imagined season is taking us down some interesting pathways – Ed).

The 2020 Sir Stirling Moss Cup – Round 5

Earl O’Neill surveys the weekend games from AFL Round 5 and mourns the loss of another sporting great. [Ed: Thanks for imagining what the season could have been like Earl!]
Trivia question – who finished runners up more times than Collingwood between 1958 and 1990?

The 2020 Viv Albertine Cup – Round 4

Earl O’Neill has waited all season for the footy to start. But the footy season already seems a bit predictable, with the top teams separating from the pack. Earl gives us the Round 4 results, but his heart and mind was in the top flight books that occupied his Easter.

The Twentieth Century… Remember that?

As we move through our life stages, memories can flood back of those footloose and fancy free times from the past such as the one Earl O’Neill relives for us.

The 2020 Mark Twain Cup – Round 3

Earl O’Neill channels his mentor Mark Twain on AFL leadership “The trouble ain’t there is too many fools, but that lightning ain’t distributed right”.

The 2020 Louis Pasteur Cup – Round 2

First with the most, Stop Privatisation Of Footy Productions brings you all the Pro Aussie Rules news you need – until our next column.