Post Humanist Footy: the galactic game

Post Humanist Footy: The Ultimate Dream Team Competition

Been a lot of talk lately on Artificial Intelligence.

Chess is a rational game with a given number of variables and moves and classic strategic thinking, therefore it is relatively easy to code a chess game. ‘Go’ (an Asian board game) is a complex game that requires intuition, creative and strategic thinking, and an immeasurable number of variables. Very difficult to code but recently (March 2016), a computer defeated a champion player 4 – 1. Are we getting close to AI?

One of the hurdles to overcome in programming a computer robot (just for the conceptual image) is physical activity such as batting in a baseball or cricket game. Hawk-eye, tracks and codes best bet projection of an incoming ball interrupted in flight. It is very difficult to code a machine to hit the bloody thing (i.e. interrupt the flight). Now, extend that thinking to consideration of coding machines to play our game! Not on?

If an online chat room features two or more participants, where one is a real person and another is a computer program, the program passes the intelligence test if no one can tell which of the two participants is human. That is the Turing test: Turing notes that no one (except philosophers) ever asks the question “can people think?” So what do we do? Keep on thinking.

What if we are not the ultimate evolved being? (We are assuming Darwin et al were on the money). We can these days avail ourselves of bionic ears, limbs and implants. Pretty soon we will have bionic eyes (with x-ray vision?). It remains to find simple substitutes for other internal organs, or replacements, after all our internals are ridiculously complex. So let’s assume that somewhere along the line we are able to develop a robot physically coded to be capable of running, jumping, handballing etc. to a given degree.

We could code for physical capability to match current facilities design. For example, kicking length, vertical jump, pace etc. What’s missing? Intelligence? What about we upload our brains?

So now we have an extant being of indestructible physical traits and our intelligence. Some, (Stephen Hawking for one), have expressed concerns about the possibilities of machines being used in a warfare landscape that includes annihilation of the human species. Perhaps we can code these beings not to kill humans? Then the crazies will produce malware? Boom boom. How about a firewall in yer head? Very agile, very innovative.

Before boom-boom we might just get to the ultimate Aussie Rules competition. What might it involve? First up, no need for change rooms, or to train, no performance enhancing drug issues, no machine rotations or team salary caps. No climate change impact. All amateurs, reduced entry and finals tickets, really cheap memberships.

Or maybe, on a rethink, clubs will maintain football brain development farms. Think about it! A twenty-first/second century job to ensure unique brains. Real costs. Sires and Dams? Skilts and Norma Plummer; Goodsey and Liz Ellis; Ryan Pantic and Issy Jones (Broadbeach Cats’ players)? Or cloning brains from DNA: Polly Farmer brains, Teddy Whitten brains, Haydyn Bunton brains, Bill Faul brains?

The teams could be traditional, drawing on ex player and supporter brains without regard to gender. We could all finally play at elite level – most supporters reckon they know all about it. The game could be played anywhere, anytime – just copy your selected brains, send via a black-hole based Universal Broadband Network and upload into geographically based machines. Forget about the world game, we could become the GALACTIC GAME. Or, we could have divisions similar to car racing based on machine power, design, fuel capacity, weight etc..

Or we could reclaim community space for tucker provision and convert the Moon or Mars to a gigantic footy ground and beam games of mega player robots directly back to Earth or wherever one resides in the future.

The draft? Based on unit brains. Regulations will limit the number of Skilts and/or Whittens on any one team. Too predictable? Don’t forget the introduction of farm and supporter brains. We’ll be busy burying draft nominations. What if God is fair dinkum, what draft interest would he/she/it have? Better revise that salary cap thing.

And game plans would be coded and uploaded – a maximum of 4 rotations per player per game. File management, previously known as coaching, would be an IT job or the same principle as for players. Whose brains to use? Clarko/Roosey/Simone De Beauvoir/Einstein/Peter Singer/Gillard/Abbott?

What about game/team brand? Hmmmmmm. No racism, no urinating in public, no partner bashing, no drunk driving, no gambling, no bestiality. No Footy Show.

Umpires?? Will we require adjudicators or should we code players to not infringe? Then we could do away with reporting and tribunals. Or just allow ‘anything goes’ and no reporting and tribunals? Or back to breeding and downloading umpires’ brains? “Impossible, umpires do not have brains’” do I hear you say?

What about the air conveyance? A virtual Sherrin? With advertising thought bubbles. Footy tipping comps? Robbo would be absolutely stuffed. Open Mike? A robotic Sheehan.

Pretty soon it might just be brain v brain.

Post Humanist Footy: The Thinking Man’s Game? Get your Ap now!

About Rick Trewavas

Grumpy retired Bloods supporter with two grand daughters who are 5th generation swannies. VicLander into Broadbeach Cats; International member of Vietnam Swans, and passing interest in Jakarta Bintangs and Ottawa Swans.


  1. A future where technology has advanced, to that level and commensurately humanity is at a stage beyond commodity fetishism, that would be interesting.

    Rick, you might/might not be interested in my Future Of Leisure posting from January 20.


  2. Steve Hodder says

    Rick, Descartes might say “I think a machine would always kick to the top of the goal square and therefore, could not like Hodgey, kick a left foot banana from the impossible angle in the second quarter of the GF.

    Also St. Kilda and Melbourne would still be in a “re-build” phase.


  3. Rick, any tips for R85 in the 2188 season ?


Leave a Comment