Greetings Tipsters
Another season done. As with all team sport competitions, fans of one team are celebrating, others bemoan injuries, a star having a down year, some have hope for the next season, some talk of rebuilding and some wallow in existential despair, certain in the knowledge that yet another off-season of high draft picks will be wasted by the cretins in charge.
This is the time of the year when the Mock Draft Community (yes, really) gets into gear, arms loaded with reams of statistics, eyes bleary from hundreds of hours of studying college film, spreadsheets across a dozen large screens, they analyse, ruminate, pontificate and often get it wrong, yet a savvy agent can generate a lot of column inches and convince some of the cretins that this kid will change the direction of the franchise. Hence, the poor bastard gets drafted too high by a lousy team and becomes a lightning rod for fans’ dissatisfaction.
Tunnel vision. Chicago Bears traded up for Mitch Trubisky and passed by Patrick Mahomes, luckily for him cos Bears would’ve ruined his career. In all codes, the team is often more important to the player’s career than their talent and drive, even more so in American Football. A quarterback may have a brilliant college career, playing in a weak conference on a team explicitly built for his talents, and flame out in his first pre-season game when he encounters the pace and variety of even the worst of the pro defences.
The draft starts on 24 April in Green Bay. Until then, we’ll only have the news of arrests and unfortunate deaths of players to keep us involved.
Now, my vast audience has doubtless been wondering about the names in the headlines. Almost all are current Detroit players and staff and all have good reasons.
Jameson Williams, wide receiver: After his first two seasons were wrecked by injury and a petty suspension, Jamo came out of the blocks fast and had a great game. He’s been criticised for going out for a late night feed, the equivalent of a midnight kebab, but he grew up poor in St Louis, it’s normal for him, and he’s been known to buy groceries for random people if he’s in the shop.
Aidan Hutchinson, edge rusher: A wrecking ball off the edge of the defensive line, broke his leg a month later and the season started to slip away. Lots of social media featuring his mum and sister but never a girlfriend.
Amon-Ra St Brown, slot receiver: Totally focussed, hard working, he takes 200 catches from the jugs machine every day of the year, knows every receiver taken ahead of him in the draft and does better than all of them.
Jared Goff, quarterback: A statue in the pocket, he reads defences and has a near telepathic communication with his receivers, top five in most all QB stats this season and Detroit’s nominee for the Walter Payton Award, for players who have done the most good for the community.
Kerby Joseph, safety: Ball shark, he intercepted Aaron Rodgers’ last throw for Green Bay. So, in a column about Aaron and his messy tenure with the Jets, it was appropriate. Kerby slipped down the order this season.
Snapped like a tibia: Aidan broke his leg.
Brian Branch, safety: Brian had a pick six against Chiefs in his first game, his sophomore season was even better (see Kerby Joseph.)
David Montgomery, running back: Solid, chunky bloke who mashes D lines on early downs and sets up the flashy plays. Lions played Titans that week and set records unbroken for 70 or 80 years. I’m not going to look up David’s stats for that game, but it must have been great.
Jack Campbell, linebacker: Great sophomore season, he’ll be the Defence captain soon. Quick, smart, tough, some people laughed when he was picked in the first round. They aint laughing now.
Za’Darius Smith, edge rusher: Traded from Cleveland to cover the Aidan-sized hole in the D, he didn’t play that week but was on the sidelines, talking to players and encouraging them.
Levi Onwuzirike, defensive tackle: Second round pick in 2021, he copped some bad injuries in his first few seasons but established himself as a good, useful player this season. That column was about players’ names, Levi’s parents emigrated from Nigeria, love the rhythm and poetry of his family name.
Sheila Ford Hamp, principal owner: American Industrial Royalty, ancestors from Ford and Firestone families, became principal owner in 2020, decided that she wanted the city to be proud of its football team, sacked the coach and general manager, hired Dan and Brad, living proof that a smart owner is essential for success in the NFL.
Malcolm Rodriguez, linebacker: Tough little third year player, sixth round pick, tore his ACL that game, another hole in the dyke.
Pat O’Connor, defensive end: Pat was a seventh round pick in 2017, Detroit released him a few months later, he went to Tampa Bay, played special teams and practice squad, returned to Detroit in August. Had a decent game that week, Dan gave him a shout in the locker room, post game. I love blokes like Pat, they just keep at it, regardless. He may well be a good coach one day, high schools oughta have his fone number saved.
Carlton Davis III, cornerback: A good, experienced player who, guess what? Copped a season-ending injury that week.
Tanner Engstrand, passing game coordinator and tight ends coach: A rising star among coaches, figured he might be promoted to OC when Ben left. Well, he sorta was, but followed Aaron Glenn to NY Jets. Yeah, good luck with that.
Kneecaps: Dan Campbell’s first speech as Head Coach – to an empty room, it was covid time – he said if you knock us down, we’ll bite your kneecaps off. Oh, how the media laughed, who is this meathead? I got it – he was talking to Detroit. He’d been on the squad in 2008, the 0-16 year. He knew the city, knew what they needed to hear. History has proved him right.
Hendon Hooker, quarterback: A great college QB, heading for a Heisman before he blew his knee, Lions took him in third round of the ’23 draft. Dunno why, he’s played nine snaps and will probably be traded. (refer college QB above.) He has, with brother Alston and cousin Landon, published ‘The ABCs of Scripture for Athletes.’
Morice Norris, cornerback: An undersized cornerback, undrafted free agent, was moved from the practice squad to the roster for the Divisonal playoff, recorded his first pro tackle in the loss to Washington. An unfortunate indicator of the cost of injuries, good on him for sticking around.
Kelvin Sheppard, linebacker coach: Kelvin has waist length dreadlocks and was promoted to Defensive Coordinator that week. Please Kelvin, don’t ever cut your hair.
Jared Goff, quarterback: Jared was the most accurate passer at the Pro Bowl Fun Fest in Orlando – it used to be in Honolulu, that’s a bummer for the players. Your correspondent didn’t want to double up, but didn’t check earlier columns.
Darius Slay Jr, cornerback: Drafted by Detroit in 2013, he left cos Matt Patricia was a hopeless coach and a total arsehole. Since 2020, he’s been an Eagle and won a Superbowl last weekend.
Bryan Hudspeth, director of college scouting: 24 years in the NFL, 7 with Lions, blokes like him are essential this time of year. Given the success of recent drafting, Bryan has done a great job.
Cheers Tipsters
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About Earl O'Neill
Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.
Brilliant, Earl. Thanks for your weekly combination of Hunter S. Thompson and John Madden (both much mourned). An absolute highlight. The game and its endlessly fascinating context is of deep interest. I enjoy how baseball and cricket seem to be intertextual but wouldn’t give anyone five cents for basketball.
As a Denver man, you’ve almost convinced me to cheer for Detroit next season. Almost.
Gold.
” a star having a down year, some have hope for the next season, some talk of rebuilding and some wallow in existential despair, certain in the knowledge that yet another off-season of high draft picks will be wasted by the cretins in charge.” Jim Chalmers/ ALP Voters.
“Hence, the poor bastard gets drafted too high by a lousy team and becomes a lightning rod for fans’ dissatisfaction.” Albo/Voters.
“A quarterback may have a brilliant college career, playing in a weak conference on a team explicitly built for his talents, and flame out in his first pre-season game when he encounters the pace and variety of even the worst of the pro defences.” Dutton/Voter Regret in 12 months time.
Sport mimics life; mimic art; mimics geopolitics.
Hope your Monaro’s get going and inspire more creativity through a long bleak winter, Earl.