NFL 2024 Conference Championships – The Kelvin Sheppard Cup

 

 

 

Greetings Tipsters

Commies opened the match with a 17 play, near seven minute drive. They were 20 yards out on a fourth and 2 and – went for the field goal. Baffling, since they’d made two fourth down conversions along the way, including a fourth and 5 near midfield. To settle for 3 seemed a bit deflating.

Eagles first drive lasted 18 seconds and ended with a Tuddy. They were never headed and finished 55-23, the first 50+ score in a conference championship. Commie Frankie Luvu leapt over both lines twice and everyone learned about the ‘palpably unfair’ rule.

Bills first drive was three and punt, Josh Allen narrowly avoided two interceptions. Chiefs first drive was clinically efficient and ended with a Tuddy. It was a close game, the Bills snuck ahead in the third but some playcalling was predictable. Twice they went for a two point conversion, a quarterback sneak. Josh is a big, strong man but he always tends to the left, the Chiefs loaded that side and stopped him both times. Gee, those four points would have been handy…

They tried it again when scores were level late in the fourth, third and 1, stopped. Fourth and 1, stopped. Definition of insanity and all that. Sean McDermott lacks the dare gene. Chiefs marched downfield, kicked a field goal, Bills got stopped on their ensuing drive and that was that, 32-29.

It hasn’t been the best of playoffs, a lot of one-sided games, but the coaching carousel is spinning at a giddy pace. Ben Johnson to the Bears, Aaron Glenn to the Jets, then it starts to get weird.

Pete Carroll to the Raiders. Pete will turn 74 by Week Two next season. Sure, he looks great for his age, has a youthful energy, connects with players, he’s an all-round culture guy, won a Superbowl with Seahawks 12 years ago and, granted, he’s younger than Mick and Keith. But he’s arriving at a team that has been a disaster zone for over 20 years, has two below average quarterbacks, very few elite players, plays in a division with Broncos, Chargers, Chiefs, all made the playoffs this season.

Tom Brady has a 5% stake in the Raiders, he headed a private equity group that bought 25.5% of the team which means, for the first time in a long time, it has some money to spend. Raiders are one of few remaining teams owned by a football family that doesn’t own much else – unlike the Rams, for instance – and they desperately needed that cash infusion. Being poor, they have acquired a fair amount of space in the salary cap. But Pete has to contend with silly Mark Davis, in his tan tracksuit and pudding bowl haircut, hyper-competitive Tom and Tom’s mate John Spytek (cool name, eh?) lately appointed as GM.

The history of the NFL is littered with the names of once-great coaches who were recruited by lousy teams to no great effect. I see Pete being added to that list soon. Well, he can always say “Screw that plastic surgery, Tom, you won’t be as good looking as me when you’re 73.”

Dallas, and Jerry Jones is adrift. A few weeks ago HC Mike McCarthy “agreed to part ways”, meaning Mike couldn’t stand it any longer. Four seasons, first three made the playoffs for no wins, this season was a stinker. Jerry is 82 and possibly senile but he is still the owner and GM and routinely makes a total hash of contract negotiations. Dak Prescott’s new contract could have been sorted in a timely and efficient manner but Jerry futzed about, claiming to be “All In!” for this season and by the time he got around to the contract, a week before the season started, several other QBs had signed for big money and he had to give Dak at least $5M per season more than he would have a few months earlier.

Very little thought went into the coaching hire. Rumours floated that most candidates refused interviews. Jerry promoted OC Brian Schottenheimer to the top job and explained it in a weird, rambling press conference.

Brian’s dad, Marty, was a coach. Brian has floated around the league for nearly 30 years, usually in some assistant role, never been an HC, didn’t call plays for Cowboys. Mike did that cos he didn’t trust Bryan to do it properly. Yeah, Cowboys fans, the 1990s was bloody awesome!

Robert Kraft, even older than Jerry, also did the easy thing and appointed Mike Vrabel to coach Patriots. Mike has a reasonable record as HC in Tennessee, he won a Superbowl playing for New England, at least he isn’t part of the Belichik coaching tree which only seems to produce bad apples. But then Josh McDaniels got appointed, for a third time, to be the OC. Josh has a terrible record as HC and mixed results as an OC. Sure, he picked up a few Superbowl rings but Tom Brady was the quarterback then – Liz Truss could’ve been OC for that team.

Mike isn’t necessarily a bad hire but everyone knew he’d end up back in Foxborough because that’s just what they do up there – jump for something that reminds them of the glory days without taking a step back and seriously reviewing everything. The front office is full of people that have been sitting around for years swapping anecdotes about Gronk.

Oh lordy, the Jacksonville Jaguars – if Shad hadn’t made this aging aesthete a nominal owner I might have invented the idea and no-one would have cocked an eyebrow. That’s just the sort of organisation it is. Ben said he wouldn’t coach the team while Trent was GM. Fair enough, I thought, then he took the Bears job. I spoke to Shad, said that if someone would rather spend winter in Chicago than Duval County, Florida, then we must reassess Trent’s tenure – he forced Jim Harbaugh out of the HC gig in San Francisco in a ruthless power play.

Liam Coen had a good season as OC over in Tampa Bay. He has the best record of any QB who played for U Mass, a decidedly non-football college. Shad was keen. I wasn’t. I’d met him, I liked him, but he had buggerall real NFL experience.

“Buggerall? What does that mean?” said Shad.

Liam said he wouldn’t take the job if Trent was GM. Shad said, in a televised meeting with me and Trent, that the GM was dependent upon the new HC’s approval. Liam went back to Tampa Bay and was offered a record high salary to remain as OC. So Shad sacked Trent and Liam came back, without telling the Bucs where he was, for another interview, which I found a little unpleasant cos I’d met Todd, Bucs HC, and liked him – but what the hell, this is the business I am in – and now Liam is the new HC and he’s a friendly fellow but…

See, a couple months into my new career as a football team owner I have begun to figure a few things, like don’t get caught up in alpha-male charisma because they’re all like that. Funny how you get used to charm and start to see through it. Liam has two seasons as an OC and ten years on lousy college teams.

“Shad, he made a decent quarterback out of Baker Mayfield. Is that enough?”
“Of course, Earl. He’ll bring out the best in Trevor.”
“He might, if he was OC. But ask any head coach, they all say that the first big shock of the top job is how little time they spend on football. They’re managers.”
“Earl, this is America. If I can make a fortune out of tyre dealerships, anything is possible.”
“Yes, but you don’t have a clue about owning a football team.”
“That’s why I brought you in.”

I walked out through the now deserted offices and training facilities, slid into my Jaguar Blue 700hp Dodge Challenger and drove to a suburban internet café so I could have a private conversation with Perky Girl. I don’t trust anything on the lavish web setup in my classy 1960s post modern bungalow. I don’t trust the satnav in the Challenger, so I paid cash for a 1986 Mustang GT, found a hotrod shop run by cheerful Cubans who keep it in good nick and store it in the back of their workshop.

The Saints still don’t have a coach. They still have Mickey Loomis as GM so they’ll likely end up with a college linebacker coach as HC, some unlucky naif who got taken down to the French Quarter and was plied with cocktails and women until, eyeballs spinning, he gave in and signed.

Cheers Tipsters

P&C, A TGK Production, A Division Of Trans-Dementia Inc
Brought to you with the assistance of Masters Apprentices

 

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