Almanac Footy: Our Glorious Game!
OUR GLORIOUS GAME!
Australian Rules Football is a magnificent game. I saw my first match way back in 1967 -I’ve loved it ever since. It is poetry in motion. It is courage, chaos, and the occasional torpedo that defies both physics and common sense. Who will ever forget the Malcolm Blight torpedo to seal Carltons fate at Princess Park back on Saturday 5th of June 1976.
The game is also—let’s be honest—a breeding ground for some of the most uniquely irritating quirks ever assembled under one sporting code. More so in recent times.
Let’s begin in the commentary box, where Kellie Underwood continues her bold experiment in interpretive broadcasting. She’s a lovely lady Kellie; I’ve met her a couple of times during the early days of the AFLW competition. She does a good job hosting Outsiders on the ABC. However, when calling an AFL game, she has a certain avant-garde charm to confidently calling a player by the wrong name while simultaneously misreading the play. It’s less ‘commentary’ and more ‘choose your own misguided adventure,’ where the viewer fills in the gaps and hopes for the best. You don’t so much follow the game as participate in a live audiovisual puzzle.
When Fox Footy announces Kellie Underwood as the match day caller (usually alongside Dwayne ‘The Pipe’ Russell) I default to my SEN app and sync the broadcast to the tele – its far more tolerable. Jess Webster is restoring the faith. A rising star in broadcast circles.
Out on the boundary, meanwhile, the modern boundary umpire appears to have been recruited directly from a Year 7 private school debating team. Once upon a time, these were ‘strapping’ individuals capable of launching the ball back into play with the curvature and majesty of a NASA test flight and more recently Artemis II on its way to the moon. Now, we get a sort of apologetic lob that inevitably falls short—more lawn bowls than elite sport—barely clearing the nearest pack at ground level and often landing with all the authority of a wet sponge. How many times this season have you heard the commentators say, “that’s another shallow throw-in by the boundary umpire?” Time for less marathon running and more pumping of iron for our wispy boundary umps.
Then there is Ross Lyon, a man whose press conferences have transcended language entirely. Asked a straightforward question, Lyon responds as though he’s assembling a flat-pack bookshelf from Ikea mid-sentence. Words emerge, sentences form, but meaning remains elusive. By the end, journalists nod thoughtfully, not because they understand, but because they’ve given up.
Speaking of performance art, Bailey Smith has turned the humble headband into a personality trait bit like Pat Cash, John McEnroe and the Flying Doormat himself. Combined with on-field and off-field antics that oscillate between outright stupidity and pre-school, he embodies the AFL’s commitment to entertainment, even if that entertainment occasionally resembles a sugar-fuelled under 10s match. The boy needs to grow up. I’m with you all the way Caro.
And what, exactly, is happening on the interchange bench? Players glance over to see a man or woman holding up what appears to be a cryptic road sign—as though deciphering it will unlock the secrets of the universe. These are elite athletes, not contestants on ‘Todd Woodbridge’s Tipping Point Australia’ arguably the worst show on commercial television behind ‘Antiques Roadshow.’ Surely, they can sense time passing without semaphore. Or maybe a glance at the scoreboard time clock might be the trick. They need to be outlawed. Another one for Swanny to fix.
Then we have the now-infamous lassoo (or lasso depending which side of the river you come from) signal for deliberate out of bounds—sorry, ‘insufficient intent’ or is it last touch? The arc has no idea so how can the fans possibly understand it? Nothing says ‘elite professional sport’ quite like an umpire briefly auditioning for a rodeo. One half expects a horse to gallop across the MCG at any moment. Leave the lassoo to Bonanza or the Cisco Kid, maybe even a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western. It’s a US term derived in 1807 described as a long-noosed rope used to catch animals. Call it the ‘whirligig’ – that’s far more fitting to the confusion that reigns just at the minute. Come on Swanny another quirk to remedy.
Over in the media landscape, Jack ‘Mr Blindside’ Riewoldt has joined On the Couch in recent years and has been catapulted into the hosting gig. How that happened I’m not sure. Did he do an apprenticeship? A show that once balanced insight with clarity now occasionally feels like a group assignment where everyone forgot to read the brief. Poor old Jack. So predictable. Why did they punt Gerard Healy? Bring him out of retirement – a bit like what Sheeds did with Timmy Watson. I once watched it religiously. Now I don’t bother.
And what about the current ‘media personality’ that is Daniel Hoyne from Champion Data delivering statistical breakdowns so intricate they require a PhD and a whiteboard the size of the MCG. At some point, ‘he gets the ball a lot’ became ‘his forward-half transitional involvement per phase differential exceeds league median under conditional pressure scenarios.’ Seriously. It’s a simple game. I enjoy Kenny Hickley challenging the statistical analysis from this geek on Sportsday at 6pm on SEN. It’s worth a listen.
Meanwhile, the rules committee continues its crusade against proportion. A 50-metre penalty for minor infringements of the stand rule feels less like justice and more like a parking fine that repossesses your house. And if the punishment doesn’t get you, the game length will. What was once a brisk, engaging contest now occasionally feels like a Ken Burns documentary. Seventeen-minute quarters—with time on—would restore both sanity and circulation.
Day games with fireworks are another triumph of modern excess. Nothing enhances a sunny afternoon quite like pyrotechnics you can barely see, burning through cash with all the subtlety of a bonfire made of $50 notes. I sort of understand the AFL deferring a twilight Grand Final for another two years on the pretext that it will coincide with the entry of Tassie – although I struggle with the nexus between a team from the Apple Isle and a twilight Grand Final. But please don’t bother with fireworks at a day Grand Final. Its embarrassing. Kylie will bring enough colour and pizzaz this year. Whilst I’m on it time to dispense with the AFL Grand Final sprint. No one has any interest in it. Even Toby Greene couldn’t bring it to life last year. I lost interest the year after Geoff Ablett blitzed the field.
The fixture? Ah yes, the fixture. A labyrinthine masterpiece where teams play each other twice, once, or seemingly not at all depending on astrological alignment. Rivalries are preserved, except when they aren’t, and fairness is treated as more of a guideline than a principle. As if the fuel crisis was not the only thing to put a dampener on this year’s festivities. This Easter Round of games has been torturous. On occasion I was close to putting pins in my eyeballs. Waiting until 3.15pm for a footy fix every day has made me revert to re-runs of Seinfeld to fill in the time. And as for the Swans complete obliteration of the young Eagles? Simply put; ‘that is not good for football.’
And the AFL ladder? I haven’t bothered looking at it. Maybe after Round 12. The ANZ (or was it Esanda) cardboard ladder I used to have as a kid would be totally superfluous in these modern times.
And then there’s Greater Western Sydney Giants—a club whose very name invites philosophical debate. ‘Greater Western Sydney’ sounds less like a place and more like a government initiative. It’s as if an AFL strategist in an Armani suit looked at a map, waved vaguely westward, and said, “That’ll do.” Our members will come from Doonside, Rooty Hill, Bidwell, Granville, Liverpool, Rouse Hill and Schofields. They love our game out west. Not one person I know from western Sydney tells me they live in Greater Western Sydney. Time for the Sydney Giants. Maybe even play a home game at the SCG – blockbuster versus Collingwood might see a full house!
The AFL’s flirtation with a February State of Origin only adds to the theatre. Just ask Sam Taylor, who paid the price with a hamstring and a prolonged stint on the sidelines of up to nine weeks. Nothing says pre-season’ like losing your best players before the season starts. Get it right. Players aren’t ready in February. Perth is as hot as Karratha is in winter. Stick it somewhere in the middle of the season – if at all. If we must have it to keep Garry Lyon happy, play it every two years – better still, make it every four years. And when the Northern Crocodiles come in as the twentieth team don’t play it at all.
Other innovations feel like accidents waiting to happen—such as fans casually hurling the ball onto the ground after a behind, inviting chaos, collisions, and the odd insurance claim. It’s a calamity waiting to happen. Can you imagine a player tripping over the ball or rolling an ankle on Grand Final day after the ball has been indiscriminately tossed back over the fence? Might even cost a club a Premiership.
Or the league’s seemingly earnest pursuit of India, a nation of over a billion people who, at last count, are still trying to work out why the ball so frequently goes backwards. Perhaps there is some merit to Dills’ recent trip in the pursuit of eyeballs and lucrative gambling outcomes. But seriously our Indian friends have no interest in contact sports. They play cricket and hockey. I don’t recall seeing a sling tackle or a front on collision in those sports. The only Indian ‘sportsman’ I have seen who has enjoyed physical contact was Tiger Jeet Singh on World Championship Wrestling back in the early 70s and even then, he would apply the Cobra hold before the likes of Dick ‘The Bulldog’ Brower could body slam him to the mat.
Victorians referring to ‘interstate clubs’ remains a charming relic, as though the rest of the country exists on some distant frontier beyond the Murray River. When will they ever come to terms that it is a national game. It must hurt the diehards of Victoria to learn that Queensland now boasts the second highest participation rates behind the heartland of the game. God help the Vics if it is a Gold Coast versus Brisbane Grand Final this year. God help the northern academies if that happens!
Meanwhile, the quiet phasing out of the centre bounce has removed one of the game’s last ceremonial flourishes—an umpire hurling the ball skyward and hoping for the best is now the norm. Don’t cross the centre line and watch your knees. I must say the intent has worked but sadly has made the likes of poor old Kieran Briggs virtually redundant. And for the traditionalists maybe, just maybe they could have retained the bounce for the start of each quarter only.
The AFLW, too, is not immune from logistical quirks. Full-sized grounds can turn contests into endurance events that would test even seasoned marathon runners, let alone developing athletes. The AFLW has made enormous strides in recent years but surely reducing the size of the ground by at least 20 metres at each end might result in some goals being kicked.
And then, of course, there are gambling ads—relentless, unavoidable, and about as subtle as AC/DC rehearsing in a library—woven into broadcasts and club platforms with alarming enthusiasm. Sport should not be a vehicle to promote an activity that contributes to so many societal issues. The recent government intervention is long overdue but appropriate and welcomed.
Tactically, the game has evolved into a densely packed chessboard, often featuring 36 players within a space the size of a suburban backyard. Add in the defensive 50 merry-go-round of backwards kicks—where play resembles a group of friends too polite to take responsibility and you begin to wonder if anyone remembers where the goals are. The six-six-six rule is working – I think. But how do we avoid the flooding of defensive 50 metre arcs that force teams to chip-chip-chip sideways and backwards rather than kicking a high ball down the line? Which I despise also as the ball is invariably kicked towards the boundary line – a stoppage is a good result these days! Perhaps Swanny can bring in a rule? What about the ‘one backward kick only’ rule?
Finally, beneath all the noise, a quieter tragedy: the gradual erosion of community and grassroots clubs, the very foundation upon which the AFL empire was built. The demise of the Preston FC was a travesty – and there are many more who have endured the same fate. The heart and soul of our glorious game fights for survival.
And yet, for all its quirks, contradictions, and occasional absurdities, we keep coming back. Because somewhere between the chaos, the commentary confusion, and the questionable rule interpretations, AFL remains gloriously, maddeningly, unmistakably itself. And don’t we love it!
Read more from Richard Griffiths HERE.
More from Murray Bird cann be read HERE
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I can see Ross Lyon’s not popular with many people from the FA.
In my opinion, he simply doesn’t want to give anything away that can benefit the opposition in some way. It’s like he’s the only coach people pick on, like it’s Ross Lyon Bashing Day today! Justin Longmuir is as boring as they get in press conferences. Damian Hardwick and Alastair Clarkson are notorious for dummy spitting, but to me, I really don’t care. It’s what happens on the football field that I care about.
Honestly, I think press conferences are a waste of time. The coaches are forced to do it and in some ways it can be theatre, like you saw with Mick Malthouse, and like with Parliament on channel 2. Judge Lyon on his win-loss ratio with St Kilda, once the up and coming young players have arrived. Also, if only we could bring back the days when coaches weren’t scrutinised for every word they said. In the days of World of Sport on channel 7, it was the only time you would hear the coaches speak on Club Corner. St Kilda’s only premiership coach, the late and great Allan Jeans, said next to nothing in a soft voice and I applaud him for doing that.
Brilliant!! Thankyou so much. The walking into an empty stadium before the game when we could have, oh I dont know, another game of football on is so frustrating. Instead its woeful music and a deliberate avoidance of atmosphere.
Paying for ceo junkets and an 11 minute concert by Kylie when clubs like Preston and many other regional facilities need upgrading is a travesty.
You may have started a bushfire here gents.
I’m no fan of Kelli Underwood (as it happens, I’m no fan of at least 80% of the commentators) but the reasons given as to why she’s no good can be liberally spread across all the commentators, to whit, gets players names wrong and misreads the play. My biggest knock on the commentators is that very few have a good voice for commentating, which strikes me as the key selection criteria. We ape the US in so many ways – music after goals can FRO – and yet we settle for ordinary play-callers, and worse, ex players. We are lucky to have or have had the likes of Lane, Huddo (as long as it’s not a close game), Bruce and naturally, Dennis, but we try to turn former players with ropey voices into ball-by-ballers. The Yanks are blessed with the likes of Cosell, Stockton, Michaels, Costas, Nantz, Buck, etc and they work just fine with one (occasionally two) ex players chipping in with the technicalities. If we are going to copy the Yanks, can we at least copy them in this fundamental aspect of the caper.
I could see myself supporting the Rooty Hill Giants.
Provided they weren’t coached by Ross …
Leave Tipping Point and Antiques Roads how alone, Griffo. Im with you on Ross, Kelly and Jack. Jess is an emerging Star. But the one thing that grates my chops is Collingwood or Richmond or Adelaide “Football Club”. I’m watching or listening to an AFL show or program. I know they are not referring to the Collingwood Rugby League club.
Whatever happened to Collingwood or the the Magpies or the Pies. Seriously Football Club. What the!
Great read.
One thing that does my head in is the bastardisation of the club songs. Players sing it like they want to get it over with as quickly as possible. Sing it loud, and sing it long I say, the way they were recorded. They seem to only do it the way nature intended after winning a premiership.
The “Stand Rule”, protected area etc have overvalued midfield frees and marks and distorted the game.
I’ve notice quite a few boundary umps have taken to setting themselves metres inside the boundary line, is this because they lack throwing depth and if so, are the umps having trouble finding enough of them now that there are four running the lines.
How about applying the same rules about running too far without bouncing to kick outs as they do (sometimes) around the ground.
If it’s scoring they want, why not widen distance between the goal posts and shrink the distance for behinds accordingly.
Can the return of the Super Goal be far away?
Wildcards that aren’t wildcards?
Take up a collection and put Hutchison on Artemis III
Bring back the Coodabeens
Apart from your final paragraph Richard and Murray, otherwise everything’s OK with Our Glorious Game of AFL football!
I don’t know whether you’ll write an article about what’s currently going right with the AFL, but having looked at the AFL ladder this morning, I’m well aware it can change for the rest of this round and naturally, during the year.
Yet, as someone who is concerned with equality for the lower, battling clubs and I’m referring to a club’s overall history, I take comfort from the fact that the top 5 teams on the ladder, even if I don’t like all of them, are Western Bulldogs, Fremantle, Sydney, Gold Coast and North Melbourne. Between the 5 of them, they have won 11 premierships. I’m currently looking outside the top 10 and I’m seeing names like Collingwood, Geelong, Carlton, Essendon and Richmond and between the 5 of them, they have won a staggering 71 premierships.
Congratulations AFL, that is a great situation. To make this game a truly National competition, and for the welfare of the AFL, the battlers in premierships won must be in premiership contention.
Having said that, I still think the Brisbane Lions, with only 5 premierships in their history, but in a much shorter timeframe as Fitzroy’s 8 premierships aren’t counted in their premierships won, will be Premiers in 2026.
There’s been a lot of flak generally about Kellie Underwood’s commentary. To me, I find special commentators like Jonathan Brown and Alastair Lynch far more annoying. It’s not only their voices, but their poor grammar.
I was watching Fox Footy yesterday and I want to praise Jess Webster, who was one of the main commentators calling the football and I thought she did a great job calling the game. Well done Jess!
I also think Abbey Gelmi does a brilliant job as the current host of the Offsiders. Not only does she speak well, knows her sport, and has a great voice, she’s very easy on the eye! Well done Abbey!
I forgot to mention that Leigh Montagna has also been a revelation as the main commentator calling the football on Fox Footy. He has only been the main caller for the past 2 years and he’s surprised me how good he is at calling the game.
I actually enjoyed the State of Origin 3 months ago. Maybe, it helped that Victoria won too! Injuries can happen anywhere and at any time. Just ask Max King, who fingers crossed, will be back playing in the VFL in the middle of this season.
I’m all in favour of flooding defensive 50 metre arcs. Ross Lyon, among other coaches, loves doing it. It may not be a good spectacle and thr scoring may be lower but unlike the 1980s where 100 point defeats were common for teams as poor as St Kilda were in 1983-86, the flooding makes for closer games. Most fans want a contest, not a thrashing.
Bring on a Brisbane v Gold Coast Grand Final. Yes, it will make St Kilda President Andrew Bassat and Ross Lyon more jealous about the Northern Acadamies but it will be great for football and a pleasant change for football fans growing up with teams like Collingwood, Carlton, Richmond, Hawthorn and Essendon regularly playing in Grand Finals, especially if you don’t support any of those 5 teams, who have currently won 74 premierships between them.
No, I won’t have that! Why there’s a far worse show on Australian commercial television that’s called “Married at First Sight”, which had countless advertisements promoting it during the tennis at the Australian Open!
Don’t get me started with the fixture!
St Kilda has played at Marvel Stadium, their official home ground, only once this year and will be playing interstate again this weekend against Adelaide, for the 3rd year in a row. It was a similar situation last year too, with a lack of early home games at Marvel Stadium. They seem to end up playing Geelong at Geelong most years too.
They gave up their home ground in Round 1 against Collingwood at the MCG to make money, but unfortunately they handed the opposition a home ground advantage, instead.
St Kilda are again interstate bound.
From GWS to Adelaide, as well as Gather Round.
But no matter how far our team will roam,
We still call Marvel Stadium home!
I know I’m in the minority and it doesn’t worry me in the slightest, but to all the Ross Lyon detractors, if you haven’t already, I urge you to watch Ross Lyon’s press conference from yesterday.
He comes across very well, speaks clearly, smiles often and it was Ross Lyon at his best. The guy is smart, is great value and he has charisma. It’s all theatre and he’s a very good actor. I am extremely happy that Ross Lyon is coaching St Kilda and he has unfinished business.
There will possibly be a handover of the coaching to Corey Enright in a few years, like there was recently with John Longmire to Dean Cox.
Ross Lyon will still go down in history as St Kilda’s best coach since Allan Jeans.
The honeymoon period is well and truly over for Ross Lyon in his 2nd stint at St Kilda. The up and coming young players should have already settled in by now. The win-loss ratio starts for Ross Lyon starts immediately as Tauru, 15 games, is out Managed.
It’s an experienced team on paper. Phillipou plays his 50th game tonight, and of tonight’s team, apart from Mattaes Phillipou, only Jack Carroll (29), Hugh Boxshall (15), Darcy Wilson (46) and Hugo Garcia (31) have played less than 50 games. Jack Macrae is now back playing in the VFL and Max King isn’t too far away, so there’s no excuses, other than Adelaide in Adelaide is almost as difficult as beating Geelong in Geelong!
I don’t want Kylie Minogue at the Grand Final. Never thought she was a good singer and have never been a fan of her. To me, her younger sister Danii is better looking and sings better! I was happy with Robbie Williams, Kiss and Katie Perry as the Grand Final entertainment in recent years.
Jack Riewoldt has been a revelation for his special comments on Fox Footy. Give me Jack Riewoldt over Jonathan Brown for his comments every day of the week! I’ve already mentioned how poor Alastair Lynch also is for special comments and I don’t like Brad Johnson either. Is it too much to ask for more commentators with good diction and grammar? There was also nothing like the original On The Couch panel of Gerard Healy, the late and great Robert Walls (who was also outstanding on channel 10 for his special comments) and Mike Sheehan.
Not a fan of SEN. Stopped listening to it as it had too many commercials and too many callers on the talkback. I much prefer 774, ABC Grandstand or the old 3LO for AFL football.
Ken Hinkley has been superb for his special comments this year on Fox Footy. He is great to listen to.
As a tennis fan too, I quite like players wearing headbands. I realise it’s the players with longer hair who wear it, but it’s such a running game now, that more players should wear a headband, especially if they perspire profusely. That could be an ace idea, not a fault.
I know case studies have shown that wearing modern helmets don’t prevent concussion, but I know of overseas American visitors who were brought up watching the NFL, are amazed to watch our AFL players not wearing helmets. Of course, Caleb Daniel, is one of the exceptions.
As someone with a spot soft for all the interstate clubs, I absolutely see no problem at all referring to them as interstate clubs.
Don’t forget that Victoria still has by far the most representation in the AFL with 10 clubs, as WA, SA, NSW and Qld currently have only 2 AFL teams each.
Granted, there will be a Tasmanian team and who knows if there will be a 20th AFL team in the future, but otherwise there are far more annoying issues than teams being referred to as interstate clubs, especially when the AFL a will always have far more clubs from Victoria participating.