AFL Round 4 – The Pre-Wrap: The Jungle

THE PRE WRAP – ROUND IV– THE BREAKOUT ROUND

FOR THE PHILOSOPHICAL MARNGROOK FAN

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Couple of Big Big matches coming up.  Tonight’s is an absolute bottler.  TRP v the most successful side of the last few years.  Then on Saturday it’s Traditional Rivals at the OK Corral.  Benny Gale’s expecting a lockout, so get there early if you’re going.  And he’s got a fleet of armoured trucks booked from Mayne Nick as The Tigers once more fill the MCG.  Membership’s up around 55,000 at Tigerland already.  Nothing brings them out of The Jungle like the smell of blood.

Speaking of blood, did you catch the Police Report about crowd control at sporting venues?  They have to send three times number of wallopers to the Beautiful Game as they do to the Indigenous Code.  Make of that what you will, but it surely isn’t doing anything for the development of soccer in the WideBrownLand.  (nor is the fiasco of its administration & promotion of recent years – Ed).

We can’t let the latest bit of hypocrisy wisdom of the Ayatollah slip past without mention.  Challenged by ex-Essendon & current GWS Coach, Mumbles Sheedy, to re-instate state of origin matches in the AFL – the Great Helmsman rejected any thoughts of it by stating that the strength of the Indigenous Code was it’s club rivalries.  So what are we doing with fabricated teams in Western Sydney and Wally World Supreme Ruler?

We have it on no less an authority than Whingy Hill legal team co-ordinator and senior consultant at Downright Lie & Procrastinate, Sir Frank Downright himself, that the AFL CEO has done another backflip and has now said that he had been misinterpreted on his suggestion that the Essendon Coach should step down until the numerous investigations into the drugs in sport issue at Melrose Drive have been completed.  There was no mention of a horse’s head being found on the doorstep of Jellymont House in the conversation.  But the said CEO is looking more & more decidedly like the other end of a hayburner.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see who’s going to be knocking down the door after Round IV.

The Bloods v The Pivotonians up on Coathanger Bay tonight.  This is going to be a ripper Wrappers.  Neither side defeated, although it must he said that The Swans have only beaten the expansion clubs and the consistently flaky Norsemen.  However, they showed just how much power they had under the bonnet when they switched on the afterburners down at Blundstone Arena last weekend.  Windows were shattered all over Hobart Town as they broke through the sound barrier in the Championship Quarter.  The Pussies have not exactly been purring, but they’ve been getting the cream, and against more competitive opposition, at least against Hawthorn.  In all three of their wins they’ve come back from the dead to scrape home, and while good teams win the close ones, we might find as the season progresses that comeback wins against Carlton & North aren’t all that hard to come by.  The Sydneysiders have tinkered with their match winning combination from last week.  They’ve brought back Tiger ex and GF Hero Mitch Morton, and the youngster Rampe, at the expense of Bird & Evreitt.  The Moggies have lost Varcoe and omitted Murdoch.  Ex-Redleg Rivers and Horin-Smith step in to replace them.  Look, this is as tough as it gets.  We just think that The Hoppers have been living on the edge a bit lately, and that TRP are about to get serious.  They know just how to close up a match and have the firepower themselves to score heavily once they get control.  Sydney’s efficiency to outweigh the out and out class of The Cats, but if you’re thinking of investing here to get the weekend off to a good start you would be well advised to consider four elements of this contest.  Stevie J lurking in the attacking pocket, Chappy lurking anywhere and everywhere, the expolisive potential of the Big Tomahawk and The Handbags’ record under pressure.

The Mayblooms v The Longshoremen down in Northern Tasmania to raise the curtain on Saturday’s round of matches.  The Hawkers have brought in Osborne to replace the injured Anderson.  The Anchormen have brought in Neale to replace the injured veteran and Captain Pavlich.  There are already some who are suggesting that this might prove a season too far for The Pav, and that he should have gone out in a blaze of glory last year.  Time will tell.  In the meantime the battle weary Dockers have to drag themselves down to Hork Park to take on The Rampaging Leafblowers – at full throttle.  The Purple Flurry slackened the pressure of the bear hug in which they were slowly and inexorably squeezing the life out of The Flying Pharmaceuticals last week.  Once given some room to breath, The Pharmas overhauled and held off The Wharfies to notch up a Famous Victory.  The Mustard Pots have grunt and class in their midfield and an attack that is positively explosive.  We’re saying The Lilac Multitude to be too drained, even with an eight-day break, for this one.  The Bagmen have got The Squawkers at $1.20.  Not quite juicy, but a good one for the cake shop money, if you’re that way inclined.

The Tigers of Old v Carringbush at the traditional time & place.  The Tiges have stuck with the winning combination that won by more than 11 goals last week, The Pies have brought in Thomas & Seedsman at the expense of Johnson (calf) & Frost (omitted).  While this looks like a competent Collingwood line-up, they’re well short of their preferred starting XXII.  They were in the contest till the Long Interval last weekend against The Hawks but were blown off the park in The Championship Quarter, and cakewalked all over in the Closing Stanza.  Bucks will have been working on those bruised egos and the medical room would have been working on the bruised bodies.  Don’t know about you, but we had a distinct feeling that there were some Magpies who’s hearts weren’t in the contest once the issue was beyond doubt.  The sight of the Monochrome Army heading for the exits before the OT and orange segments were handed out wouldn’t have done much for their team’s GAD levels either.  (Do you want to mention at this point Wrap that not every wearer of Black & White beanie is convinced about Coach Figjam? – Ed)  On the other hand, The Striped Marvels are in an upbeat frame of mind.  True, they’ve beaten no one of consequence to date, but they know within themselves what they’re capable of.  Students of The Game will have noticed that some of the holes in last year’s team have been plugged, and The Long Suffering Punt Road Faithful know in their heart of hearts that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts in this Struggletown Outfit.  They’ll be coming out of the Jungle in numbers so get there early.  And don’t forget to bring some earplugs, because we’re saying that by that 16.45 mark the jungle drums will be deafening as they pump out the message.  You’ll hear it from the tough waterside bars of Morristown across the jungle to the Deep Woods – BIT – BIT – BIT – BIT.  We have no idea why they’re out at $2.15, but get as much as your caring investment advisor will let you take.  This could set you up for the month.

The Feeling Faints v The Chemical Catalogues in tomorrow’s fading light under cover.  The Sainters have lost a couple: one to The Tigers, one to The Suns.  They got on top of The Giants to win by 12 goals up at Manuka last weekend.  Not an auspicious start to the season.  They’ve brought in Simpkin & Siposs in place of the injured Newnes & Blake.  To be perfectly honest, they look unsettled.  The teamsheet looks there abouts but a lot of the stars on it seem faded.  Last weeks run will have lifted their Self Belief, but their opponents tomorrow are not a bunch of kids led by a few veterans.  However, The Pill Poppers have had to make some adjustments to the team that won so magnificently over in Perth.  The hitman Ryder and his deputy Kommer are serving time, Professor Gadget has done a groin, Colyer & Kavanagh have been spelled.  In comes the thug Hille, Winderlich, Pears, Baguley & Merritt. The Dons are playing some inspired Footy and showed last week that they are heady and can follow coaches’ instructions.  Their comeback was inspirational and the Whingy Hill Faithful will be out in numbers.  Can they bounce back from the trip, the forced team changes and the effort?  It will be a big test of their resilience and depth.  The Seagulls have the firepower up forward to worry them.  Not to mention the midfield depth.  It will be a bigger challenge for Shoeless Jimmie’s Boys than they would want after their heroic efforts last weekend.  The question is, are The Feeling Faints up to the task of taking full advantage of any signs of faltering from The Human Hamstrings?  We’re not sure, but we do know, they’ll never get a bettr chabce.  That’s right, we’re going for the Eel Race Road Seagulls here, and at $2.90, they’re The Wrap Roughie of The Round.

The Screaming Eagles v The Stalled Oxen on Saturday night over there for the free to air broadcast.  No Kreuzer, no Betts, no hope.  Let’s not beat about the bush here.  The Bluebaggers are zip & 3, and a looking like a side that doesn’t know how to win.  Their list is mediocre and there’s a distinct appearance that they are having trouble unravelling the impenetrable wisdom of the Enlightened One.   The Weagles need to make up for a couple of losses they wouldn’t have expected, not to mention a game’s worth of percentage.  And if you’ve blinked at the generosity of The Bagmen, blink no longer.  Get onto the $1.36 on offer with as much of the rent money as you can sneak out of the willow mint tin without getting sprung.  The Eddie Eagles for this one, comfortably.

The Sunbeams v The Power at The Metricon on Saturday night.  A danger game for Port.  The Metermaids are not to be underestimated, especially up there.  They’re competitive without Little Gazza now, and Bluey McKenna has got them fired up.  The Tealers regain Cassisi and Gray, and quite honestly look more than a flash in the pan.  We’re going for The Visitors, but don’t be surprized if The Sunbeams notch their second win for the season.  They were stiff last week, jumped St Kilda in the Opening Round & tested TRP for a while in Round II down in Sin City.  SOTG will be watching this one closely, as will Punters.  Look, if The Little Marvel gets away from Brad Ebert it could be anyone’s game.  We’ll stick with The Port Adelaide Magpies for two reasons: Westhoff, Schultz & that Old Port Adelaide Aggression.  (That’s three reasons Wrap – Ed)  For those seeking the thrills and spills of life’s roller coaster you could take either one for the best ride of the Round.  Although the Power, at $1.50, look the better option, the more romantically inclined might like to avail themselves of the $2.60 being offered on The Gold Coasters.  Us, we’re keeping our hands in our pockets.

The Recalcitrant Redlegs v The Sons of The Other West, on the wide open spaces of The Paddock That Grew for the early one on Sunday.  The Dees served up half a game to their Long Suffering Faithful last week, which had their Beleaguered Coach waxing lyrical.  They’ve got Jack Who in the XXV as well as Spencer & Gawn.  The Giants are bringing down two busloads to choose from.  Look, we know it’s early in the season, but this contest has tremendous importance.  Upon the outcome could swing The Coveted Timber Trophy.  The Casey Fields based Fuchsias, now under voluntary administration by the AFL, will be keen to show that they can become a force out there in the vast dormitory & industrial sweep of the South East.  They should have enough to fight for and enough, just mind you, experience to hold out The Young Giants from The West Side Of The Town.  I tell you what though; if they don’t get up and win this one Mark Neeld will be seeing his coaching life flash before his eyes.  Not even with monopoly money Nurelle.

The Free Radicals v The Bitzers in the Shadows of Mt Lofty on Sunday.  Surely The Pride of South Australia can’t take another beating?  Blitzed off the park in the Opening Round by The Bombardiers and overrun by Cross Town Enemies after looking home & hosed last weekend, they should be desperate enough to take the Four Points at home against a side that was dismantled by Richmond last time around.  A side that has lost four to injury – including Robert Murphy & Shaun Higgins.  And at $1.12 one can’t help feel that The Bagman may have left the door slightly ajar here.  Tell the bank that you’ll have the mortgage money as soon as the TAB opens on Monday; this is just too good to miss.

The Gasometer Pushovers v The Boys From Old Fitzroy, in the gathering gloom of mid Autumn at The Darklands.  The Gorillas have managed to scrape onto the board after their narrow victory in Q Clash VII.  The Northerners, and let’s not mince words to save sensibilities here, have been woeful.  I know we swore never to tip them again after their last little debacle, but call us sentimental old romantics if you wish, but we feel the inclusion of Majid Daw and Sierakowski for their first outings as Shinboners has a ring of renewal about it.  The Maroons have shouted a couple of debutants a trip down to the Football Heartland – Docherty & Paparone – and will have a fiar dinkum dip, but The Roos should outgun them over most of the ground.  But I’ll tell you what, if they lose this one there’s going to be some finger pointing around at Arden St.  The $1.30 looks juicy, but we’re not ready to trust them with real money just yet.  But don’t let that stop you; they have to win this one, and they will.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

Let’s travel across the Pacific to the Home of The Brave & the Land of The Free for this weekend’s reflections via the wisdom of Buckminster Fuller & Henry Ford.

On personal integrity hangs humanity’s fate.

To do for the world more than the world does for you – that is success.

I hope I get the accent right here.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales.  “How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a gold gun”, the other detective replied.

“A golf gun!  What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”.

Boom! Boom!  Now we can all get some sleep.