AFL Round 17 – The Pre-Wrap: The Day of Infamy round



What a week it’s been in Footy Wrappers.  That’s right, we did made a pledge here in the Wrapcave not to mention peptides or lost points until the Ayatollah got back.  Well, he’s back.  And it’s becoming increasingly clear that things out at Whingy Hill aren’t as clear cut as some of the Bomberland spruikers would have us believe.  I mean, I ask you; why were they administering drugs at Essendon if they weren’t going to give the team an advantage?  And why the secrecy?  What were they worried about – that other clubs might latch onto what they were doing and copy them?  To knock that one on the head straight away, it would seem from what has been bandied round and appeared in the media that courses of these same drugs were packaged and hawked to the wider industry at the same time Essendon were embarking on their program of the product.  In fact, Essendon’s involvement was used – as sales reps do – as an endorsement.  (Turn it up Wrap.  That doesn’t add up to a pinch of goat droppings.  Reps do and say anything for a sale. – Ed)  The bottom line here is that – as far as we know to date – the other clubs approached sent the snake oil floggers packing.

But the one that has to be the biggest worry, however, is the claim that the AFL got wind of – from ASADA/WADA – that the EFC had been sniffing around as to the legality of a suite of pharmaceuticals – pharmaceuticals that must have been borderline in the first place to have Melrose Drive checking out their legality.  Now when this intelligence landed in their lap, so to speak, at Jellymont House, someone – and we couldn’t be blamed for thinking it would have been the Two Million Dollar Man – sent the AFL drugs’ boss around to let Shoeless Jim know that it wasn’t on.  That it wasn’t written in the scriptures.  So what did Shoeless do?  Exactly what he intended to do all along.

Now, when Grant Thomas challenged the Ayatollah and the machinations of the Appalling Football League on something as earth shattering as who put the fix in fixture, the whole world landed on his head.  And when a junior VFL player bought something over the Internet to help his body recover from injury, Customs confiscated the package, notified the authorities and the kid was suspended just for thinking about using them.  But let’s use the much-maligned Australia’s Righteous League, the NRL as our yardstick.  The Melbourne Storm were stripped of a couple of trophies and played a whole season without being granted any winning points.

Remember, the parallel enquiry into The Cronulla Sharks is ongoing as well.  As a side issue, Stephen Danks is suing Ch 9 & the NRL over allegations that he injected Cronulla players with, among other things, Warfarin.  (Isn’t that the basic ingredient of Ratsack? – Ed)  It will be interesting to see how it all pans out.  These things have a habit of getting lost in the mire of the legalese, however, Joe & Jane Punter and all the Little Punters who rock up to the turnstiles, weave the banners, buy the jumpers and the footy cards should not be forgotten in the corporate foxtrot that this sorry saga has become.

The Great Helmsman had been steering a course of moderation and appeasement.  The Whole Football World is waiting to see how he handles it from here.  Now that it is becoming grimier and grimier.  And for the record, it was Winston Churchill who said, an appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.  (And it was Jack Lange who said, in the race of life, always back self interest; at least you know it’s trying – Ed)

We emailed Sir Frank Downright for a comment on behalf of the club’s legal representatives, Downright Lie & Procrastinate.  He rabbitted on about talk being cheap and that the words in our pathetic column, on all counts, are sounding very, very hollow.  There was a diatribe against Kero and the fearless investigative team at The Sage.  Phrases such l’action parle plus fort que des mots – présumé innocent jusqu’à preuve du contraire – and vous êtes tous pisse et vent punctuated his reply, so it is suspected he has already fled the country.

Talking about trying, how about The Baggy Greens?  Haven’t they put some distance between themselves and Mickey Arthur?  (Four million dollar’s worth, eh? – Ed)  Go you Aussie Good Things.  Put a gap in ‘em.

Sadly, at 36, Le Tour is proving too much for Brave Cadel.  Although there’s plenty of Aussies carrying the flag. Go you Aussie Good Things.  Put a gap in ‘em.

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who is going to be seen to careen after Round XVII.

The Miseries v The Funnyboners under cover tonight.  The Hopeful v The Hopeless.  How do you separate these two.  They play a similar type of Football – a raging bull one quarter, a snatch of sausages the next.  Look, we’re not going to go into the merits of these two teams, suffice to say the team that makes the most of any period of ascendency on the scoreboard, and then defends that ascendency until they ring the final bell will win.  We’re saying it should be North.  But don’t let anyone talk you into making an investment decision on the outcome.

The Mighty Fighting Hawks v The Kennel Coughs down at Lonny for the early one.  It’s going to be tough for the Dishlickers.  The Leafblowers are roaring as they consolidate their Minor Premiership credentials, and no amount of yapping is going to distract them.  The Paid Up Proud & Passionate for us here in the Wrapcave.  And the $1.01 on offer is as good as money in the bank.

GWS v The Bombers up at Skoda Stadium at the traditional time.  How nice, Hirdie & Bomber can catch up with Sheeds.  Sheeds can ask who’s been sitting in his chair, and who’s been eating his porridge, and finish off by enquiring as to who’s been sleeping in his bed?  And after Goldie Sheeds jumps out the window and runs away they can all live happily ever after.  And at $1.01, here’s another one you can put through your SMSF.

The Metermaids v Carringbush on the Metricon ride as the sub-tropical sun dips below Mt Tambourine.  Now here’s one for those who like a bit of risk in their investment portfolio.  The Coasters have lost Swallow, dropped Murphy and brought in Weller & Sexton.  The Maggies have lost Young (That didn’t last long – Ed) and Blair.  They’ve been able to bring in Goldstack & Mooney to replace them.  The Sunbeams have been thereabouts all season, and played a gruelling match up at Cairns last Saturday against The Tiges.  The Pies travelled too, but while not a practice match, won convincingly against The Pride of South Australia.  Bucks has got The Woodsmen playing his brand of Footy and playing for The Jumper.  As this column has been saying for some time now, Coach Figjam is going to leave his mark at Victoria Park.  It has to be The Mighty Maggies, don’t you reckon?  And at $1.13, they’d have to be the Wrap Investment Opportunity of The Round.

The Fuchsias v The Boys From Old Fitzroy on The Paddock That Grew on Saturday night.  Viney’s back, but so is Kevin Rudd, and Todd’s young fella is not going to be able to save Melbourne any more than President For Life Rudd is going to be able to save Australia from the greatest moral issue of our time.  The RoyBoys, and, at $1.18, they’re worth a look.

The Feeling Faints v The Power From Port, on the Shifting Sands after dark on the Saturday.  The Sainters are all over the shop at the moment.  The Tealers aren’t.  They’ve got Westie back, and Boak will give Lenny something to think about.  Did you blink too?  When you saw that Gai Waterhouse’s little boy Tommy had The Power out at $1.70?  Yeah, us too.  We’re going to ride the slim pickings from those two earlier sure things on this one.

Struggletown v The Purple Haze, on The People’s Ground to kick off the Sunday matches.  Tuckie & Bachar are back and the selectors at Punt Road have slipped Lonergan into the line-up.  The Opposition has lost their Skipper  (He didn’t last long either – Ed)  and the Gnat Ballantyne.  The Tiges had to stand tall in extreme conditions last weekend, but they got that monkey off their back, and yes Nurelle, it was ugly.  Now to settle the score with The Anchormen.  For those who came in late, The Stripped Marvels were robbed of the earlier game over there when a goal umpire made a shocking – un-reviewed – call to deny The Tigers a Famous Victory.  They’ve copped a few beltings this season, and haven’t really been given credence for what they’ve achieved under Benny Gale’s administration and Coach Hardnose’s mentoring.  A lot has been made of his never having outcoached Rossy Lyon.  Well, you heard it first here in The Wrap; that’s about to change.  One of the biggest changes has been Chokko Williams’ development of the younger players.  This may not be The Year of The Tiger, but they’re very pleased with the way things are going at Punt Road.  They field their own VFL team on the re-vamped Punt Road next year and membership is the third largest in the Melbourne heartland.  (Never mind the Mission Statement Wrap, what’s your tip? – Ed)  It’s The Tigers Of Old for us here in Wrapland Ed  They’ll stamp their authority on the match early and win the respect that so far this season has been denied them.

The City of Light v The Little City at The Bottom of The Bay over on Crow Park for a latish start on Sunday.  The Free Settlers would have been concerned when they picked up the weekend meat on Friday morning and saw that Patrick Dangerfield wasn’t on the Team List bluetacked to the window.  They would have swapped the Sunday roast for a string of sausages when they saw that Tiger Tambling was his replacement.  A slater in a chookhouse would have more hope than The Chardonnays in this one – with or without Stevie J.  The $1.18 looks handy too.

The Screaming Eagles v The Sydney Swans v over there on Sunday arvo.  The Wedgies aren’t without a chance in this one.  They’re playing at Paterson’s Curse for the 3rd consecutive week, and have, Embley’s suspension aside, pretty much a full list to chose from.  Steak & Kidney are coming off The Bye Local Derby and are in superlative form.  We’re going to tip them, but with a certain degree of reservation.  If you’re looking for The Boilover, you couldn’t do better.  All it needs is for Nick Nat Nui to click for Four Quarters and it’s game on.  They have a very workable attack and have regained Adam Selwood, Shuey, Wilson and have finally got Wellingham up and running.  The Bloods have lost McGlynn to the Star Chamber.  Look, they’re $2.75, and worth every penny of it.  But it’s TRP for us here in Wrapland.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

Seeing as today’s leader was about the calibration of our moral compass and the search for that rare commodity truth, we felt it may be helpful to all those struggling with this task to reflect on what other, more worldly experienced pilgrims have to say on the pursuit  of truth.  Truth in both its conceptual and concrete form.  Our philosophers are, respectively, John Steinbeck, Albert Einstein & Arthur Schopenhauer.

It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world.

Anyone who doesn’t take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.

All truth passes through three stages.  First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.  Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

While they were desperately digging for another keg of Shinboner Spirit amongst the rubble that was once the Arden Street Gasometer, they came across a book of stories about those fine functionaries of our judicial system: the catfish lawyers.  Their accountant sent this one in, with an assurance that it was a true story.  Or at least based on a true story.  It certainly has a ring of truth to it.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated? him out of $10,000,000.00.  His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.  When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.  

The?Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is ‘.

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money??

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about ‘.

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about   ‘.

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him”!

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him”.

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house”.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say”?

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”?

Boom!  Boom!  Now we can all get some sleep.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Wrap – love the joke. I’m watching the Sopranos from episode 1 right through (again). Nothing else on TV other than the cricket. There was a great joke told by Junior Soprano:

    Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor. Doc, he says, I can’t see. The doc looks into his eyes and says “You have a cataract”. The Chinese guy replies, “no I don’t I have a Lincoln Continental”

    Boom boom.

  2. Some very lovely French in there, Wrap. You truly are a cosmopolitan.

    But at the risk of reigniting the “Pies Never Go Interstate” debate (a modern classic), the only travel my beloved Carringbush did last week was to wait for the green man and toddle across Swan Street.

    It’s actually more gruelling than you might think, and the cause of some terrible first quarters in recent weeks. We call it Lexus lag.

  3. Mr Wrap – I keep sending the Rhubarb and Ratsak muffins to Appalling House, and the Great Helmsman has been eating them from the look of the waistline.
    I hear that the Alpha Males have developed immunity, and that is the Appalling colony continues to flourish.
    What have you been using over at the Wrap Cave? No rats in the Tiger ranks since Terry left. I have tipped your mob over the Purple Scum, based on enmity rather than form. Eat ’em alive, Tiges (that’s a bit of lead for the saddlebags).
    Like your tips for Sunday. I think Nic Nait’s knee (there’s a nursery rhyme in that) needs some of the Whingy Hill hexalerin B975 peptide. Can Sir Frank send some leftovers before Sunday??

  4. Junior Soprano is the best damn joke teller this side of the pecos. His best work is when he’s Institutionalised. He’s running a card game and in between hands, he fires off cracker after cracker. Love the man’s work

    On watching Sopranos reruns, I just binge watched again for the second time. James G died while I was in the middle of season 5. Made the last few episodes all the more poignant. Great great great show.

  5. The Wrap says

    Reignite with all your might MOC. It’s my thinking that our two great teams are going to have quite a few clashes for and at THOF over the next few decades. Both teams are on an upward swing and can pull huge crowds. You’d be excused for thinking that the gnomes deep in the bowels of Jellymont House will see the benefits of scheduling The Striped Marvels at prime time, all the time. And we just have to walk over the hill and through the park to get to the game. No little green men to contend with.

    Must get the Sopranos out. Mrs Wrap was given Series V of Breaking Bad for her birthday. We’re gorging on that – between the Footy and everything that’s happening in Europe.

    Like you’re take on the use of hexalerin B975 peptide as a heeling treatment Mr B. Why can’t we use it to get players back into the fray more quickly? If your kid fell off his bike and tore a ligament, and the doctor recommended a course of injections to hasten the body’s natural healing process you’d have the bankcard out as quick as you could say Stephen Danks. So why can’t sportsmen & women have all the modern advantages of medical science to boost their recovery from injury? Sure, they’d have to be supervised, and there may even be a withholding period, but hey, let’s move on. It’s a bit like maryjane. It’s illegal but everyone tokes it, and I’ve heard tell that some – heaven forbid – may even inhale. Maybe this sort of thinking won’t prevail while Meat Loaf still gets star billing on TLSIS, but hopefully one day we’ll treat our athletes with the respect they deserve. Of course there may be implications I’m not across in this matter, but I’d love to here what they are, if anyone knows.

    BTW Mr B, keep sending the muffins. Maybe he’ll bloat-up to bursting point. Or he may even fall off the wall. I’m tipping there’s going to be a mighty backlash if he tries to soft pedal on The Flying Syringes. And you set the tone over there when you let St Jobe know what you thought of his ‘confession’ about the use of anti-obesity drugs. The Eddie Eagles are truly of the advanced guard.

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