AFL Finals Week 1: The Finals Wrap


And what a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Look, we’re not the sort of people who like to give politicians advice on how to run the country, but if Julia Gillard wants to do something about improving the standard of our education system, she should start by getting rid of bullying.  And the first boy in detention would have to be Young Hawthorn.  We watched him closely on Friday night and to be perfectly honest, we were shocked.  He just wouldn’t let the other boys & girls play with the footy.  He knocked them down, he stole the football, and every time they did manage to wrest the Pigskin from him and score a goal, he’d just grab it back off them and kick four goals of his own.  There were the usual number of teachers on yard duty trying to get him to share the leather, but he just flatly refused do so.  Poor Little Collingwood was close to tears by the end of the night and we for one felt it was very selfish behaviour of someone whom, having been raised in the refinement of the Leafy East, you’d expect to know better.   As usual, Poor Little Collingwood picked up when Matron offered him some fruity loops and told him to come back next week and she’d make sure there was someone not so self-seeking to play with; someone like that nice new boy who spends most of his time in the sandpit.  As for you Young Hawthorn, the whole school’s had just about enough of your hostility.  You keep this up, and by end of term there’ll be no one left who’ll play with you.  Now you’re banned from the playground for a fortnight.  We’ll look at your behaviour then and decide whether your suspended till next term, or allowed back in the playground.

On Saturday the bullying continued.  Although this time, it was one of the bullies that came off second best.  That family that moved into St Vincent Street, the one with the piano and all the airs and graces, their girl Adelaide has developed quite a reputation lauding it over the smaller kiddies.  Now it was her turn to be held back in detention until next week, while that second boy from the family of tradies, you know, the ones who moved from Emerald Hill to Emerald City a few years back, goes on mid-term break.  And as for that kid from the millionaire family down in Sleepy Hollow, his overbearing attitude had become so bad he had to be expelled.

Come Sunday and would you believe it, there was more trouble at playtime.  This time it was in the sandpit.  That nice new boy has been corrupted by the behaviour of the other kiddies.  No doubt taking a lead from Hawthorn, Eddie Eagle took to Kylie Kanga with his bucket and spade.  Nothing Matron could do stemmed the flow of blood and Poor Little Kanga had to be sent to the hospital to be patched up.  He won’t be back until next term.

Did you cop Mick’s running job application over the weekend?  Us too.  Not sure what Mick’s going to do next year.  Not even sure we know what he’s talking about.  Not sure Mick knows either – on both scores.  From what we’ve seen played out in the media, he’s looking more like Uncle Arthur every day.  To be perfectly honest, he looks a bit of a risk.  He’s left a turbulence behind him at Carringbush that Bucks is having trouble settling down, and there’s the implied threat he’ll lure Travis Cloke to join him.  Or is that the implied promise that he’ll bring Travis Cloke with him?  One thing’s for sure, take Cloke out of Collingwood and there’ll be a hole in their line-up you could drive a herd of elephants through.  But that’s not nearly as big as the rift developing at the Lexus Centre.  A straight sets exit and they’ll be reaching straight for recriminations.

And who was it in Friday’s Sage who intimated that Coach Figjam was possibly the best player Collingwood had ever had?  That’s right, Michael Gleeson – thanks Nurelle.  Better have a look at the Bronze Figure at the entrance to the Lexus Centre Michael.  And we double dare you to go down to the Yarra Falls End of Victoria Park at the witching hour.  I think you’ll find the enlightenment you seek.

We sincerely hope those new jumpers aren’t costing Eddie too much.  If they tear as easily as the old ones this is going to cost him a bomb.  What with a strip for wet weather, another one for the humidity of the Top End, a thermal model for Football Park in mid-winter and yet another for the warm dry winter days of an El Nino oscillation, not to mention the NAB Cup series played in the quivering heat of late summer.  Then there’re different models for backmen and forwards.  And a special suicide bomber model like the one Tazza was wearing against Buddy on Friday night.

But enough of my persiflage, let’s see who’s left beating their drum after Round One of The Finals.

The Unsociable Hawks v The Monochromes.  We’re not sure whether this tells us more about The Hawks or The Pies.  Of course it did tell us that whoever takes this year’s Flag will have to get past Hawthorn to do it.  And tell me, honestly, have you ever witnessed a more frenetic half of football?  What with Tazza’s crazy brave attack on Buddy and The Mayblooms losing a key player in the opening passages, it took 17 minutes for either side to score a goal.  If you’ve ever wondered what those early football games were like, say when Scotch College played Melbourne Grammar in the parkland that surrounds the MCG, and it took three Saturday afternoons to get a one all draw – wonder no longer.  Those 17 minutes wouldn’t have been far off the mark.  The umpires swallowed their whistles – literally.  There was no way they were going to step between these two belligerents, and with the Monochrome and Leafblower Armies howling at full voice, who would have heard the whistle anyway?  It looked at first as though the Family Values of the Leafy East were going to prevail, but The Mighty Maggies, over their recent bout of the Collywobbles, drew on their reserves of GAD to push to the lead.  Then, just when you thought they had won the arm wrestle, and Hawthorn’s profligate goal shooting was going to cost them, The Squawkers wrested back the lead with three goals in as many minutes, Franklin’s on the siren sending Taz & Maxie into a tailspin.  And that folks was the ball game.   From 19 scoring shots to 11, it could be seen that The Mustard Pots held sway, and this was exactly as the rest of the match played out.  The Pies didn’t let themselves, their club or their supporters down.  The Collingwood Captain tried the traditional Carringbush way back into the match, but it was no more than a fleeting cameo, and he received little support.  They were just out gunned.  Naturally, there’ll be those who subscribe to the theory that Collingwood getting a good public spanking is good for football.  We, on the other hand, believe that sort of public humiliation has no place outside a medieval theme park, and would further suggest we need Collingwood as a fine outstanding citizen.  Unless of course, we’re prepared to chose a replacement whipping boy from amongst ourselves.  They come back next week, possibly without their Skipper.  They’ll be at The G to host those High Flying Weagles.

The Pride of South Australia v The Bloods.  Who kicked five goals in the 2012 Qualifying Final at Footy Park?  No Nurelle, the answer isn’t Goodes & Jetta.  Although I like the way you’re thinking.  It was Adelaide.  That’s right, and Walker, Tippett & Porplyzia all played.  They kicked the princely total of 1-3 between them.  And yes, it was a dry day; a little blowy perhaps, but that’s Springtime in Adelaide, eh?  It was as if you’d flown through a time warp going over Bordertown and arrive in the City of Churches 30 ago instead of 30 minutes ago, such was the error riddled standard of the Crow’s match skills.  To be perfectly honest, it wasn’t the greatest day for Football, and the aerodynamics of Footy Park made conditions turbulent, but still – 5-12?  To put the match into perspective, the winners kicked 11-5.  Getting the picture?  But it wasn’t just in front of goal that The Free Settlers let themselves down.  It was all over the ground. (And in the stands Wrap; have you ever heard the Rabid Adelaide Mob so mute? – Ed)  They’ll do better next time around against The Barry Crockers, or at least you’d hope so.  Rundle Mall is depressing enough as it is on a Monday morning.  But let’s take nothing away from The Bloods.  With such low scores, one blink and The Chardonnays would have been all over them like a bad suit.  The went there to win a Preliminary Finals Berth, and that’s exactly what they did.  They take a week’s breather from a not very bruising encounter and await the outcome of The Pied Shrikes & The Eddie Eagles clash.

The Pivotonians v The Wharfies.  We’ve been saying al year that there’s only one team that can bet Geelong for the Flag this year – and that’s The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires.  And that’s exactly who tuned up to play at The G on Saturday night.  But it was more than that.  Looking at The Pav lead The Lads out, you sensed that they’d come to die.  By the time their Skipper had shanked a sitter and made amends quickly after the die was cast.  They piled on seven majors while the Handbags managed to raise only two flags – one at each end.  As Dear Old Bruce commented when The Dockers’ seventh sailed between the Big Sticks – it’s a long way back for Geelong from here.  They had a few goes at it, and we probably shouldn’t ask this, but do you reckon Stevie J would have been the missing spark The Geelong Machine so desperately lacked?  He’s been in sparkling form all year, and has been the Coach’s go-to man.  From Super Cats to raiding rubbish bins along Eastern Beach for fish frames with Sylvester is a long way down, but with gravity pushing, it doesn’t take long.  Every time Matty Scarlett polishes his three premiership Medallions he’ll shudder at his last game in the Royal Blue & White Hoops.  But he wasn’t on his Pat Malone.  The number of clearing kicks that floated off the field.  We counted three in succession at one stage.  The Pav was magnificent, and let’s not take anything away from the courage & foresight of the Dockers’ Administration.  Their decisive action at the end of last season took courage & commitment.  Rossy Lyon has repaid their trust in him with a Famous Victory.  Flaky Freo no more.  Underestimate them at your peril.  They have Adelaide OTR next on Friday night to see who get’s to play The Mayblooms on the Saturday of the following week.

The High Flying Aquilas v The Shinboners.  This completed the double for then Scott Twins, in the worst possible way.  At least they can cry in each other’s beer.  Brad will be the one wearing the vertical Blue & White configuration.  After the last rites have been read over North Melbourne’s 2012 season, there’s nothing much left to do but hang around outside the church, quietly offering well-meant platitudes to the immediate family while waiting for the cortege to leave for Springvale so you can slip into the sangas and the mid-strength.  They can tell a few tales about Good Old Kanga, like the time he hopped all over that Flock of Magpies, scattering them to the four winds; and flogged GWS by more than 20 goals.  And let’s not forget that great run home when he beat The Miseries, The Endangered Species, The Fuchsias, The Canis Lupus Familiarises, The Gliders, Carringbush & The Penrith Pygmies.  But it all became too much for Good Old Kanga.  He’ll be sadly missed.  As for the High Flying Aquilas, they looked frighteningly powerful, and big.  Lynch won’t be playing again for a couple of seasons, unless the Star Chamber video player breaks down.  He deserves life for what he did to Scott McMahon.  He could have killed him. Let’s see how good Angry Adrian’s point system works on this one.  (Notice he’s been almost unsighted since the Ayatollah’s return Wrap? – Ed)  Apart from that they have come out of the outing fairly painlessly.  In fact it could be argued that losing Lynch would leave the attack with more flexibility.  They have The Skipperless Pies next Saturday night.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Peter Schumacher says

    Liked the way you put Adelaide’s effort into perspective, they were truly hopeless I reckon, but Sydney were fab.

  2. Wrapster – you are undoubtedly a fine judge of football flesh. Would Stevie J have made the difference for the Cats? I say yes.

    Before you make up your own mind consider that the Cats played as badly as the Demons in a pre-season hitout but still got within three kicks in the last quarter.

    I know McPharlin was missing for the Wharfies, but that was due to injury; can’t be helped. But Stevie J was missing because we live in a nanny state.His absence was greater.

  3. Pamela Sherpa says

    ” Stevie J was missing because we live in a nanny state ” Dips, that has to be the comment of the year.

  4. Did you know Stevie J stops the scales at 92kg Pamela? No wonder he stopped an unsuspecting Hannebery in his tracks. The gorilla in the room hardly weighs more. And certainly would have shown more self control, given the stakes.

    But the Nanny State claim does bear investigation Dips. I’m sure it will be on the agenda at the AGM of GFC. Along with an call for a video review of Freddie Swift marking on the goal line in the 1967 GF. You know what, people in the street still stop me me with that one. Streets with names like Malop & Moorabool.

    Would Stevie J have made a difference? Of course. Would he have made THE difference? ………. The crystal ball clouds over as images of a fuming Doug Wade & a whistle blowing Jack Irving swirl tantalisingly into focus. ……….. the banshee wail of the siren splits the image and the figures dissolve to vapour. ……….

    Question not the actions of The Football Gods Young O’Donnell, lest they call you to their service.

  5. Time to get out of Victoria Dips.
    Move to WA – the Mongrel State. Home to Grass Patch’s (and WA’s) favourite son – big Lynchie.
    We’re coming for you. Be very afraid.

  6. The Mongrel State indeed Mr B. And where’s the Nanny State when you really need it most. Stevie J gets a week for a friendly reminder that The Bloods are playing The Greatest Team Of All. Killer Lynch – all 197cm & 103 kilos of him – maliciously, and with demonic intent, launches himself knee cocked, eyes only for the small of his opponent’s back, gets the same. He could have maimed Scotty McMahon for life. Even Ignatius Loyola would have winced a little. He should have got the rest of the season just for the look on his ugly dial.

  7. I concur Mr Wrap. McMahon should have got the same 6 weeks as Boomer for his backward charge. His boney arse could have broken the knee of the Grasspatch Great.
    We are bringing axes this week.

  8. Hey, I just read the morning paper – Lynch got off scot-free. This is a travesty.

  9. I’ve still got my bumper sticker from 1991 Mr B. The one that reads West Coast Wankers. Sadly, it’s on the same car.

Leave a Comment