Theatregoers: your comprehensive guide to the Grand Final.

Getting to the ground.

Assuming most of you will be making your way from Toorak and Brighton, we suggest keeping to Melbourne’s tolled roads. Their fees are structured to price out most of Melbourne’s traffic so your chauffer driven Mercedes’s should cruise from point A to point “G” without so much as a stop. As for high flyers jetting in from private islands and the ski fields of Colorado, be sure to have your flight paths okayed. Grand final day creates a great deal of congestion in Melbourne’s air space and your private jets and choppers will need a pre-arranged clearance from Tullamarine’s traffic control before taxiing.

The MCG’s amenities.

For a great many of you, this will be your first time to the footy, so you’re probably curious about the MCG’s creature comforts. Well, princesses, don’t expect too much. The MCG might think they have their superboxes set up somewhat palatially, but most of you have toilets in your Sorrento beach huts that are more plush. And as for unfortunates slumming it in 2nd and 3rd level premium seats, forget about ordering lobster thermidor from the G’s attentive attendants. Not only is it not on the menu, it’s not something these unrefined footy types have even conceptualized.

Pre match entertainment.

As you’ve probably all attended a number of Olympic opening ceremonies, you’ll undoubtedly find the Grand Final’s pre match entertainment drab by comparison. What with the laughable choreography and the underwhelming mix of has-been rock stars and Australian Idol contestants, it’ll be hard not to mock. All the same, try not to snicker too hard. Condescension is beneath you and pointing and laughing is not in keeping with good breeding.

Which team to support?

Choosing the right team to support is key to enjoying your day. Remember you are winners and winners don’t support losing teams.  We suggest that you feign being torn. Act as though you’re agonizing over two equally meritorious cases for supporting either team and once it becomes clear which team will be the winner, shift all your support their way. In the event that the other team mounts a comeback, just go with it. Your swinging support can easily be explained, and really, who exactly will you have to explain yourself to? Your fellow theatregoers? The pie seller? Exactly.

Closing business deals.

We suggest that you look to secure signatures on contracts before the opening bounce.  Everyone is on a high before the game and most business deals are best closed while everyone’s in good spirits. If, however, you fail to get pen on paper at this point, try again in the half time break. The sucker, I mean, the person you’re looking to off load your defective merchandise to, might be a real footy supporter, and your constant pestering during play will be a turn off.  Should you fail again, well hope and pray that their team is the winner and try after the siren. If they are, you’ll undoubtedly be able to capitalize on their euphoria; if not, well, you can try again at the NRL final.

How to support a team?

First of all, Australian football is very different to Tennis. Last year, many of you confused it with your Wimbledon experiences and remained quiet when players lined up for goal. This is not part of footballs etiquette. Be assured, yell and cheer all you want: you won’t be shushed. Secondly, don’t cheer points. Some of you last time round were a little too hysterical over missed shots at goal. Don’t be: points are usually disappointments for real supporters. Finally, you’ll undoubtedly be horrified by footballs brutality.  The game will have many punch ons and though you’ll want to recoil and take cover under your seats, try and hold your nerve.  Squeamishness might have its place in high society, but at the G, it’s frowned upon.


Should AFL turn out not to be your cup of tea, try and leave before quarter time. This way you’ll be able to scalp your ticket. We suggest that once you leave the arena have your man servant seek out one of the many desperate club supporters loitering around the ground. They are easily identifiable through their tearful forsakenness. Be sure to have them approached stealthily and always, always take no less than 10 times the ticket’s value: it’s the least you deserve for your trouble.


Should the term ‘theatregoer’ catch your ear during the course of the day, put up your guard.  More often than not, the person using such a term is an agitator and someone looking to espouse some form of idealism. He or she usually harbours hostility towards your privileged existence, and given an inch, will attack you for your moral right to be at the game.  Be sure not to give them the oxygen to expand their views into a manifesto, as fellow elitists, that’s exactly how the French Revolution got started.

Meeting Andrew Demetriou

Most likely you will meet Andrew Demetriou during the course of the day. Please be sure to forgive him for his lack of airs and graces: he is, after all, the reason you are at the game. We suggest you humour him over his shortcomings and try not to steer the conversation away from matters on football. That way, his nouveau rich lack of sophistication won’t be embarrassing for either of you.

Post game parties

Pixie’s having one, as is Ginny. They’ll also be one on a 400 foot yacht owned by a visiting Cyprian tycoon (but this is to be avoided: very new money!) Our recommendation is a corporate one: they’ve a greater concentration of business types and you’re likelier to schmooze more effectively (and thus, more profitably!)

Anyway, happy networking!




About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see's a shadow: twelve more months of winter


  1. Brilliant again, Zitter. Making me angry and laugh at the same time.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Amusing well done PeterZ mind you re Andy D of his efforts and cock ups in 2013 he might appreciate talking anything but Footy

  3. Hey Malcolm

    Yes, Andie would appreciate it but is he capable? Then again, he does know a thing or two about colossal ballz ups. Shit, he’d be a key note speaker should there be a conference on as much.

    Ta Gigz … and screw all theatergoers!!!!!!!!

  4. daniel flesch says

    Peter you should volunteer to go to the Granny with the new P.M. to explain the Indigenous Game to him, he being a New South Welsh Rugger-bugger. He did have Sophie Mirabella lined up for the job but she’ got the sulks for some reason and bailed. You could even start by advising him of suitable dress for the occasion – no hard hat , no hi-vis vest , no budgie smugglers., no Manly-Warringah scarf.

  5. Daniel,

    If I had to spend a day with Tony Abbott …. actually, make that an hour … actually, make that a nanosecond … I’d perish. But yes, he’s your typical theatergoer, is he not? Schmoozy, shallow, superficial – he ticks off all the boxes. As for advising him on his budgie smugglers, I say wear them more often. What with the way he packs them, that way we’d be constantly reminded how dickless he is.

  6. Luke Reynolds says

    Fantastic stuff Peter. So many great lines in this. Sadly this is so funny because its so true. Always enjoy your work.

  7. Peter.

    As both a player sponsor at the Braybrook Football Club AND a theatregoer (MTC subscriber) I say screw you.

    P.S – Loved the piece/article – more please !


  8. Hey Mic

    Screw u back … and see on the terraces next season .. gonna be a big one for our Dogs!

    Hey Luke

    Always enjoy your stuff too mate … and get your latest ODI report in

  9. T Bone

    How are you spending Saturday? I recall you used to decline all GF BBQ invitations in favor of a private viewing of the game away from chattering guests disinterested in the match itself. And that was when you only appreciated the game not the participants.

    What holds for you for the big dance? Quiet room at home, blinds shut, cold bevvies and a scarf?

    Good luck for your boys


  10. Hey Big Toe. I told the boys I wanted to do it solo, and for this one, A DOGS ONE, I saw myself in the lotus position on an Islamic prayer rug. They were having none of that. Have a ticket through Gigs’s great mate Rowdy. I’ll be in a primo spot in the AFL members, swilling dom perignonm, coupled with a supersized serve of lobster thermidor. Not bad for a shitkicker from St Albans, I reckon. (And happy to wear criticisms for me hypocrisy at that.)

    Killed me that the Tigers had a shit one this year. I was lovin having them as a mistress to my dogs these last few years. Hope they can turn it around next year and I can be torn between my betrothed and my floozy in a GF showdown.

    PS. You’ve been notable for your absence on the site of recent. Hope your juices are flowing again soon and we get some primo satire out of ya

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