The Wrap Report – April Edition


For the Philosophical Marngrook Follower

It is my melancholy duty to report that we are no closer to running him to Earth Wrappers.  We had word from a Grey Nomad who had been talking with a rabbit shooter up at the Milparinka Pub.  He’d come across someone who could have answered to the Wrap’s description camped at Fort Grey.  He was living on yabbies & wild duck and had a lean & hungry look about him, the shooter said.  He mumbled to himself a lot and after the night of the March full moon, when he woke screaming in the night and ran out into the gibbers, an eerie light illuminated the gully and singing could be heard from somewhere up in the rocks. When the rabbitto woke the next morning the hermit had broken camp and left tracks heading for the Corner Country.  All that was left was some words carved into a tree and a closely typed message in a bottle buried at the foot of the tree.  We’ve printed the message verbatim below.  The words carved into the tree read – They’ll Eat Their Own Again. You wait and see

Ed – April 2016




  1. Sydney – They’ve done it again, The Bloods. Just when you thought it was time for the R word, they’ve show us all that they’ve been rebuilding on the run.   Parker, Hewitt, Rampe, Mitchell Papley – all Young Guns. (Two of them Sons of Guns)  Add the Re-vamped Buddy and chuck Big Kurt on the ball.  Josh Kennedy hasn’t had to break out into a sweat yet.  Nor have many of their Old Bloods had to do much more than the ordinary things extremely well.  Make no mistake, Chinatown will be in the mix this year.
  2. Geelong – The Catters were impressive in the opening round when they blitzed The Mustard Pots, waited for them to catch up, then pulled away in the Final Stanza. Then they went down to GWS.  They redeemed themselves against The Hapless Brisbane Koalas the following week and followed up by kicking The Sweep against the equally Hapless Essendon.   Along the smart cafés and waterfront bars of Eastern Beach they’re keeping their minds off the shemozzle at City Hall by talking up their Footy Team’s September Chances, and on present form they are looking good.  Paddy Dangerfield’s return to the Shipwreck Coast has been everything it was expected to be and they’ve been on the journey enough times to know every bump in the road.
  3. Adelaide – Over in the City of Light the question on everyone’s lips is Paddy Who? Donny Pyke & The Boys have got The Playing List loaded with Self Belief.  They’re following the Team Plan and their spread and run is making them a handful.  Big Tex and The Hon. Edward A Betts are getting plenty of support, and Rory Sloane is growing in the limelight.  The Rabid Adelaide Mob is in full throat, and once more a trip to the City of Churches is a glimpse into The Afterlife.  They play half their games in the Picturesque Adelaide Inferno and three of their away games are against 2016 underperformers.
  4. Footscray – The Doggies have picked up where they left off last year and are playing with Enormous Self Belief. Bob Murphy’s loss will hurt.  He was more general than captain.  They haven’t beaten anyone yet, and I include The Mauve Miasma in that; and they’ll get worked out as the season goes on, but will they?  Check out their fixture.  They get The Suns, The Crows & The Weagles under cover.  They pay a return match against The Pussies, don’t play Hawthorn again until September and have to go up to Moore Park for their only meeting with The Bloods.  The only other times they’re not under cover or at THOF is against Port & The Orangemen.  You’d put them down as Danger Games, true, but life’s full of Danger Games.  The Sons & Daughters of The West are on a mission.  They’ve got the new Whitten Oval facility and with AFL, VFL & Women’s teams they’re the full monty.  Success breeds success.  The Bulldogs are out to become Best In Show.  And it shouldn’t be too long.  They’ve got good team balance and Coach Beveridge is one of the best going around.  They’re on top of The Ladder on percentage after four rounds.  They’ve had only 265 points scored against them, and 93 of those were scored in the match against TRP.  Injuries a mounting concern.  Depth could be an issue.
  5. North Melbourne – Still, still not too sure about The Shinboners. They won a ripper match against The Free Settlers, made hard work of a win against Brissy, fell in against The Dees, and sealed Freo’s Fate for the season.  We can count five more gimmees, so you’d have to say they’ll need all the Self Belief they can muster for the remainder of the season.  Essendon (R8) Carlton (R9) Richmond (R11) Port (R17) & Collingwood (R18).  After that they’ll need to roll out as many of those barrels of The Life Support Elixir they can find buried under the old Gasometer site.  It would be nice to believe they’re better than 5th, and maybe they are.  It’s not that they haven’t improved on last season, they have, it’s just that others have improved more.  Then there’s their track record of letting you down.  Maybe in a month’s time they will have proved otherwise,
  6. Hawthorn – Not too sure about The Mayblooms. There’s a sniff of denial around the trendy bars & bistros of the Leafy East.  Yet, but one thing you can bet on is that they’ll be there when the whips are cracking, and they know how to crack them so that it hurts.  Ask Bob Murphy & The Sons of The West.  Ask them down at Eel Race Road.  They keep winning the close ones, and anyone from a postcode East of the Barkers Road Cutting will tell you that GTWTCO.  However, it’s equally true that better teams win consistently well.  They seem to be having trouble adapting to the modern game.  The Cats & Dogs opened them up like a can of anchovies.  True, they came back, and The Moggies had to call on the Kennett Curse, but they did so in an emphatic statement.  The Yankee Doodles’ effort against The Kennel Coughs was commendable more than extraordinary.  They’ve picked up a gem in Sicily, and O’Rourke gets his head over the ball too, but, it’s a long way to September and Fourthorn may yet turn out to be a suburb of Auckland.
  7. West Coast – The Wiggles haven’t got off to the best of starts. Their showing against TRP was lamentable.  The lamentation continued a fortnight later, but it was The Striped Enigmas who were doing the wailing.  Does it tell us more about Richmond or West Coast?  The Eddie Eagles certainly made the most of the opportunity and demonstrated that they’re better than their monstering by The Yankee Doodles.
  8. The Metricon Marauders – Another team who hadn’t beaten anyone after three rounds (The Purple People included) but whom they beat they beat impressively. That’s until they ran into Up-coast Rivals under the palms.  They would have had that one inked in as a win, you can bet.   Nevertheless, they’re no longer The Gold Coast Experiments.  This mob’s come of age.  No one better exemplifies the new found maturity than Aaron Hall. This kids going to be a gun.  Tom Lynch’s another.  Rocket has given the list a good going over and the results of some hard decisions can be seen in the attitude of the team.  Good to see Jarrod Harbrow enjoying his Footy again, eh?  No longer The Abletts, this Suns Outfit is the real thing.
  9. St Kilda – The Feeling Faints weren’t disgraced against The Power, but were taken apart by The Tricolours. Then they nearly made it across the line down in Lonny.  Their one win came fittingly as they celebrated the Ruby Anniversary of their 1966 Flag against Bobby Rose’s Magpies.  And they did it without St Riewoldt.  In the twilight of his career, along with Montagna, Gilbert & Fisher, this is a totally re-built side from the one that played in successive GFs just a few years back under Rossy Lyon.  And one that is developing its own persona.  Seb Ross, Jack Newnes, Jack Billings, Luke Dunstan, Jack Steven – with the exception of Jack Billings & Jack Steven – are not household names, but these were the coaches votes, after Leigh Montagna’s BoG, for the win against The Monochromes.   Take them lightly at your peril.  We’ve got them nudging The Tiggers out of Glorious Ninth.
  10. The Greater Western Sydney Giants – The Orangemen have matured. They haven’t got a tribe behind them, and it will be interesting to see if they’ve got a bigger following in the National Capital than in Greater Western Sydney. So far they’ve pulled 13,656 (Geelong) and 10,028 (Port) when they’ve played at Manuka.  It might help if they got a real tribal jumper with which to identify.  Their current strip wouldn’t be out of place on a soccer pitch.
  11. Melbourne – There’s signs of a pulse at The Hell Where Demons Live. They’ve been in every contest this season thus far except for the shock lapse against The Team That Dare Not Speak Its Name. When you see Jack Who’s name amongst the Melbourne’s Best Players you know something’s afoot at Redlegland.  There’s a new spirit amongst The Demons, and they’re very watchable.  They pulled over 47,000 to their match against Traditional Rivals Collingwood.  (Hows many of those wsere irate Collingwood Fans come to gloat over Coach Figjam’s demise Wrap? – Ed)
  12. Richmond – There’s enough chook manure loaded up and headed for Punt Road to turn Struggletown into the bread basket of Melbourne. TLSPRF are tiring of the excuses. The list is loaded with talent but there’s a dearth of Footy Nous.  The same old skill errors and poor judgement that has let them down so many times in the recent past are still prevalent, and Coach Hardnose’s Pressers haven’t inspired.  They can turn on bursts Inspiring Footy, which just adds to the frustration at Tigerland.  Against Adelaide, after a Rance spoil fell into the path of You Know Who for an easy goal square snap, the All-Australian Full Back & Bachar Houli were still arguing about it when the ball was bounced to resume play.  Not a good looks Boys.  (The Richmond defence has gone from the 3rd best in 2015 to 2nd worst in 2016 – Ed)  The Wasps still have a sting in their tail and they’ll jell somewhere during the season, probably against Their Bunnies From Across The Yarra, but by then it will be too little too late.  The Competition’s stepped up a notch while they’ve been taking all those half steps back to go two forward.
  13. Port Adelaide – Another team demonstrating that February form is everything it’s cracked up to be. The wheels have fallen off the Alberton Power Machine. Jay Schultz may not play this year, and Gus Monfries & Paddy Ryder certainly won’t.  They’ve got class, but as shown against The Chardonnays in The Showdown, they aren’t back to their old Never Stop Stop Stop Till They Drop Drop Drop self.  The loss was humiliating and should have stung them back into action, but injuries and being down two on the list is a cruel blow.  And a scandalous one.  If The Peptides can top up suspended players, why not the clubs who took on compromised Essendon players in good faith?  But we all know the devotion around at Jellymont House, and it is unshakeably based on the gilded juvenile bovine model.
  14. Fremantle – Kicking 5-8 under cover was an inglorious start to Season 2016. And an ominous one. They booted 100 points against The Suns the following week, but didn’t bring home the bacon.  And this after The Sunbeams had made the longest road trip in The Competition.  Then they scrambled a mortifying 8-11 in the Derby.  That’s 197 points in in three starts while the opposition has kicked over the ton on three occasions.  They booted just over the ton against North, but went down by five goals.  Five more years of this might be more than the Fremantle Hierarchy & The Long Suffering Cobalt Faithful can stand.  Injuries aren’t helping but hey, old bodies break down at this level and at this pace.  Foreseeing this is called List Management.  But it’s more than that.  The wheels appear to have come off The Lavender Landau.  They have been cringe worthy to watch.  In fact they haven’t been the same since they blew their chance for their First Pennant when they kicked themselves out of the contest back in 2013 with a uninspiring 8-14 to The Leafblowers’ 14-7.  The Fall & Fall of The Barry Crockers could become the story of 2016.  (It could be respectfully suggested that The Tigers will out do them for that title Wrap – Ed)
  15. Collingwood – Crikey, if you think things are bad around at Punt Road Ed, take a stroll down Swan Street to where it turns into Olympic Boulevard – to the Holden Centre. And really Wrappers, under the circumstances you’d think they could come up with a better name for Magpie Central than the name of a car, on the back seat of which a good part of four generations of Australians were conceived, and is soon to drift into the oblivion of past glories? The spiral from The Madhouse Flag of 2010 to the Buckley Magpies of 2016 is a vortex of broken dreams.  In fairness, the waters were swirling before Coach Figjam took over.  Mickey the Maltster, with his mid-season Footy Show application for the coaching job around at Tigerland while he was preparing The Maggies for Back-to-Back Flags would have seen him frogmarched out the door at the Old Victoria Park.  With free swimming lessons thrown in at the Yarra Falls End.  The list looks good on paper, and the loss of Dane Swan in the twilight of his career should be easy to cover.  But they just keep on sliding down the slippery pole.  The Coach can’t explain why their effort is so lamentable at his Post Match Pressers.  Maybe he’ll have better luck explaining it to the Committee.
  16. Brisbane – True to expectations, The Bad News Bears are languishing amongst The Cellar Dwellers, but they managed to take the first Q-Clash of the season in a contest that has set-up the return match in Round XVI just as The Sunbeams are making their run at September Glory. Tipped to cause a couple of up-sets, they’ve got their first win on the board and appear to heading in the right direction.
  17. Carlton – The change around at Optus Oval has been short of a miracle, but the arrival of the 21st Century has made a huge difference to what has been dubbed the Worst List in The Competition. Brendon Bolton has The Bluebaggers at least watchable. They’ll still struggle, but they’ll also catch a few napping.  The Right to Win Silvertails of George Harris, Black Jack Elliot & the Visy Board Consortium are of the past.  Still a long way to go, but at least the Patient Ox has been put out to grass and replaced with a stable of yearlings & two year olds is in training.
  18. Essendon – The two of the most Traditional Rivalries are battling it out for this year’s Coveted Sylvan Shield. We’re sticking with The Same Olds in the April Report. No real reason, other than they deserve it more than Carlton.


 The Flag

It’s out of The Greatest Team of All, The Doggies and The Bloods.  The Bullies will be in the mix but the limelight of September might be too blinding for them.  (They said that about Tommy’s Tigers in 1967 too Wrap – Ed)  Sorry Leafblowers, no Fourthorn in the Wrap Crystal Ball; you’re not playing good enough football right now and there’s no signs that there’s a corner to turn.   Not too old too slow, just too brittle in the bones, too battle scarred.  It’s as simple as that.  If the GF was played next Saturday you’d go for Steak & Kidney.  But if the federal election had been held last September you’d have backed Billy the Shortener, then by Christmas it was a laydown misere for Prince Malcolm’s flatearthers.  Now it’s neck & neck, with the smart money on Billy.  So let’s see how things are in another month.  Around here in the Wrapcave we lean towards The Swans’ younger list.

And if you thought Autumn was the season of change you’d be on the money.  From the deliberate out-of-bounds to the changing of the guard at the top of The Competition Table.  One is bad for Football and shouldn’t last through to next season.  The other can only be good for Football, eh?

The Coach most likely

A month’s a long time in footy Eddie, eh?   All of a sudden there’s at least three in the field.  Any coincidence that all have been re-signed this season?  Rossy Lyon’s five-year deal was an outstandingly benign gesture, but the two year deals, effectively three-year contracts, to Coaches Hardnose & Figjam only confirm that there really is a tooth fairy and help feed frenzied sightings of the Easter Bunny.  Up until Friday night we we’re tipping none will go this year, and all we’d see would be some red faces around three board tables. Now Coach Hardnose must surely be in the frame.  In fact he’s so short on some boards he’s hardly worth the effort.  On others his name’s been removed from the call.  The ranks of The Monochrome Army are full of anti-buckleyites, and has been since the botched changeover.  We’re a long way from The Hummocks of Rottnest Island and the broad reaches of The Swan, but at some stage you’d expect to hear the howls from The Fremantle Faithful, especially from the stinging barbs of The Imperial Eagles.

The Fevola

Drugs, drugs & Uncle Dougs.  When they start testing everyone who contributes to the presentation of Our Great Game for illicit recreational drugs they can penalize the players for doing what just about every occupation in the community is doing in spades.  And we’re talking from the ground staff, security goons & bag checkers, food & beverage vendors, the Record sellers to the well-padded staff at Jellymont House.  The use of illicit substances is a matter between the coaches & the football clubs, and the players on their payroll.  End of story.  Which makes Hologram Man and his glassy-eyed pontificating the April nomination for The Coveted Fevola Chamber Pot.

The Brownlow

Aaron Hall (GCS) is the one to follow.  And Scott Thompson.  He’s another Free Settler soaking up the sunlight at West Lakes now that The Dangerman’s joined the the wild bush horses down at Corio Bay.  Slammin’ Sammy Mitchell, the Duracell Bunny, is also in the limelight.  (Is he ever out of it? – Ed)  But our call at this point is The Crow’s Scott Thompson, Aaron Hall & Toddy Goldstein third.  (That’s an All-Australian 1st Ruck Wrap – Ed)

The Coleman

Tom Lynch is our tip for the Coleman.  This is the breakout year for the Suns: the Coleman & the a close second in The Brownlow.

The Robbie Flower Medal – The April nomination is The Club That Dare Not Speak Its Name.  Why?  For the way they’ve gone about the business of rebuilding their shattered club; and the innocently joyful celebration of their first win for the season.  A season in which you’d suspected some schadenfreude obsessives would have sought solace with their savings in a winless season for The Bombers.  You know who you are.  Shame.

The Harry Beitzel Medal – The clubhouse leader at this stage is a collective.  It would have to be the morons who 1) brought in the new deliberate out-of-bounds rule; 2) the moron instruction the morons at Maggot Central on its interpretation; and 3) the morons making the interprets on match day.  Interpretations concerning the intended passage of the oblong inflated pigskin roosted over 50 metres from the point at which it crosses the white line.  We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again; it’s going the cost someone a premiership one day.

Pre-season Ladder

  • Geelong.
  • West Coast
  • Hawthorn
  • Collingwood
  • Fremantle
  • Richmond
  • North Melbourne.
  • Port Adelaide
  • Sydney
  • The Greater Western Sydney Giants
  • Footscray
  • Adelaide
  • The Meter Maids
  • St Kilda
  • Melbourne
  • Brisbane
  • Essendon
  • Carlton


Revised April Ladder Prediction

  • Sydney
  • Geelong
  • Adelaide
  • Footscray
  • North Melbourne
  • Hawthorn
  • West Coast
  • The Metricon Marauders
  • St Kilda
  • The Greater Western Sydney Giants
  • Melbourne
  • Richmond –
  • Port Adelaide
  • Fremantle
  • Collingwood
  • Brisbane –
  • Carlton
  • Essendon

Before you ask, we scrambled the studio chopper and chartered a couple of long range Cessnas as soon as we got the note, but there’d been a freak storm through there and rain and the desert winds had obliterated all traces of his tracks.  Please, please keep an eye out for him.  After the carved message we have grave fears for his state of mind.

– Ed

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Peter Schumacher says

    Great read, always enjoy your stuff! If you reckon that Brisbane is heading in the right direction then they must be. Win no 2 coming this weekend.

  2. Come on Mr Wrap – The High Flying Eagles 7th??? That’s just spite for the Eagles extending your Long Suffering by another season. Top four for sure, and after that anything’s possible. If you don’t change your ladder the Avenging Eagle will be after you with a posse of blacktrackers and rottweillers.
    Look I’ve been thinking about how to solve the coaching imbroglio without costing clubs an arm and a leg in payouts. Ross Lyon played his heart out for the Fitzroy Lions so a shift up to the Sunshine State Lions is a no-brainer. Leppa did his apprenticeship at Punt Road, and he has been away long enough now to have forgotten Coach Hardnose’s crazy nostrums. Hardnose is a premiership player for the Tealers so he can return to his Free Settler roots. Kenny from Camperdown would like to be closer to home and his attacking zeal would be welcome at the Lexus Centre.
    FIGJAM? He and Fremantle deserve each other. They will need to recruit youngsters to replace the current bunch of superannuants, so FIGJAM and the kids can learn on their training wheels together.
    Recycling not redundancies. You know it makes sense.
    Hope you passed that hundred I gave you at the North Fitzroy Arms on to Beryl at the Paddlewheel Truckstop. Tell her I’d just had a bad run of outs since the Ouyen Trots in 1976, but things have improved since the new trainer (A.Eagle) applied the stock whip and side blinkers.
    I’m sure you’ll find Lasseter’s Reef in time to fund the next Tigers Premiership Celebration Dinner.

  3. PB, I concur. Why not a 6-month swap, Buckley to Richmond and Hardwick to Collingwood. Find out a bit more if it’s the players or the coach, or both.

  4. From Lexus Centre to Holden Centre. What next, Daihatsu centre?

  5. John Butler says

    They’re doing it to you again El Wrappo.

  6. Bucko – think Malvern Star.

    JB – you know much it hurts me to say this, but your Silvertails are playing more honest Football than my Tiggers. I’ve even heard that Yellow&Black is going to be the theme for this year’s M&S Ball.

    PW & Mr B – I like the idea of the swap on the Coaches’ Carousel. We’ll have The Hink down at Tigerland. Send Coach Hardnose back to Alberton. Carringbush deserve Rossy Lyon, but judging from his last presser, he seems to be enjoying his job at Fremantle. Bucks goes straight to the Channel Sept broadcast box to replace Special Bruce. Leave Leppa where he is; he’s on the right track. Mick Malloy can coach Collingwood.

  7. Wrapster – I had a most enjoyable luncheon yesterday with Sir Frank. He is talking up the Bombers big time for 2020 or 2021. And get this, he reckons they’d be better off without the 28 year old Hooker and a few others. Brave man is Sir Frank. We, at the dining table, were all more confused about Malcolm Turnbull’s recent performance than Collingwood’s. At least the Pies can blame a few injuries and a game plan that Einstein would struggle to untangle. All Malcolm has to deal with is old Billy Shorterm.

    Anyway, thanks for the Wrap. The Cats are well fed but not purring yet.

  8. I’ve only seen the Moggies against TRP Dips, and they looked the goods on that occasion. I must grab another of their outings. I’ve got them as Contenders. I hope that doesn’t moss them too much.

    I honestly think Malcolm’s gone. He’s fighting on three fronts – Credlin & Co, Billy Shortening, and Climate Change inaction. BTW, speaking of Credlin & Co, I’m heading up the Calder early next month; I’m wondering if they’re going to have one of those “The Home of Peta Credlin” signs at either end of Wycheproof.

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