The First Wonder of the 2014 Season

The First Wonder of 2014

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and behold the first wonder of the 2014 footy season. Behold, in all its glory, the Round 5 clash between the Hawks and Catters. It offers a truly amazing spectacle, a marvel of human ingenuity. As Shakespeare himself (a footy diehard if ever there was) observed:

“What a piece of work is a Hawk’s player! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world”. Geelong’s pretty good too.

Yes, these two Olympian warrior teams are on show in a once (actually, they’ll play twice or more) in a lifetime (actually, a season) struggle to the death (not really, more like four premiership points and the right to go nah, nah, nah for a while).

Yes, right here in the cauldron of calamity, the thunder-dome of terror, the furnace of footy fire, or as it’s more commonly know, the G, you will stand witness to a wonder so compelling that your eyes will bled, your ears will scream, your throat will choke and your children will ask for hot chips at three quarter time.

You stand witness to History. Not Martin Luther King History, not even Charlene from Neighbours History. I’m talking history with a lower case h. Well, a story anyway. And this story (drum roll please) promises to be a game supreme.

Before you rush the Big Top for the big game please be distracted by our many unearthly delights. Oh yes, we have many other curiosities of nature and the not so natural to appeal to the small, non-discerning mind with the attention span of a stockbroker.

Are you in search of the strange and curious deviants this carnival offers? Head down to sideshow alley where you will be confronted by cabbage, more commonly known as Carrrlton. You will not know whether to laugh or laugh harder at their antics but be warned – you will be “dinged bad” (ripped off) if you pay more than a tuppence to see them dance … together … to a beat.

Other less deviant but nonetheless entertaining oddities include the Giants. Odd because they aint and because they are enjoying a “heat score” (lucky run). You might want to catch them before they run outta puff and shrink to their original size, relative to their faux geographical home. In western Sydney they really are at the other end of the telescope.

Are you here to ease the pain of kinda suspecting that the brand is more important than the game? And yer looking for snake oil to ease the pain? Then get outa here. We’ve got none of that. There hasn’t been none of that around here for years. Sure, every second stall will sell you “I know nuthin” juice and every other clodhopper dressed up like a colossus will try to tell you, I mean sell you “I know everything” juice. As for snake oil, forget about it. What sort of establishment you think this is?

There is always more to the carnival than the freaks. If you reckon it’s all gonna end in a whimper then hurry back to the Big Top for the big bang. The Easter Monday game will not disappoint. It is the difference between brand and sport. Wills himself would want to be there. There is no need to manufacture tension, no matter how desperately Ch 7 and other carny folk want to do so. Many will be the best across 120 minutes because both Cats and Hawks are winning on the back of so many players. So, step right up, come right in and bear witness to this great game – be dazzled, be enlightened, be lifted.


  1. Tell him he’s dreaming.

  2. daniel flesch says

    Now now , Peter_B ; it’s hardly the Trucker’s fault your Weagles performed -if that’s the right word – so unimpressively last week.

  3. Hey PeterB you’ve got a rival.

    Trucker’s stuff has been making me chuck lately.

  4. Chuck? I was hoping for chuckles! Still smarting Les? Your team’ll improve. In the meantime (and following Jesus doing his yearly diappearing act) footy followers of all stripes have Monday to keep us believing.


  5. Peter Flynn says

    Thanks for the magic elixir R Kane.

    P Flynn

  6. Grant Fraser says

    Rick – another festival of The Greatest TEAMS of All awaits. Here’s hoping #9 gets to reprise his seagull impression.

  7. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Rick as a neutral hawks v cats is the game which excites and interests everybody and delivers more than any other match up in the league

  8. Steve Fahey says

    Well put Rick

    I go to every Hawks/Cats game as a neutral because I reckon they have been the pinnacle of our sport over the past 6 years.

    Footy needs these rivalries and this rivalry in particular. This year footy needs it more than ever after a lacklustre start to the season with mostly uninspiring rolling maul encounters. Go the draw !!

  9. The crowd noise at the Royal Easter showdown on Monday will be amazing… two sets of fans cheering the magnificence of two wonderful teams.

    Imagine the banter in the crowd…
    Hawker: “I believe our attractive game is ever so slightly more attractive and good for the game than your attractive game plan.”
    Catter: “Oh no, I would think ours is the slightly more attractive of the two most attractive game plans in the history of the game.”
    Hawker: “Perhaps they’re equally attractive.”
    Catter: “High five?”
    Hawker: “Yay.”

    Catter: “I believe our inspirational captain to be marginally more inspirational than your inspiration captain….

  10. daniel flesch says

    The day before the match i calm my nerves with this : Geelong wins the h. & a. matches , Hawthorn wins the Finals . Can handle that .

  11. DF, calm yourself with eggs and wine today. Hawks win tomorrow and next time they meet and on and on!

    Les, footy will be the winner.

    Malcolm and Steve, it better live up tot the hype. Recently these two sides have not only lived up to but have surpassed expectations. Mmmmm

    Grant and Flynny, see you on the other side of the contest of contests (psst, Grant, I hope we’re wearing the shit-eating grins)

    PB, Oh to dream, and tomorrow at 6pm or so, to dance!

  12. Thanks to the following for providing such exhilarating contests in lead up to the Easter Monday spectacular:

    Well done Pies, Roos, Swans, Dockers, Eagles, Power, Bombers, Saints, Demons, Suns. Man, even the Blues stepped up as part of this wondrous weekend. These teams and this Round have shown that the game can and will always rise above the noise and detritus that so often distracts us from what we love.

    For those heading to the Big Top this afternoon, or watching, listening, or following via the Net, may the game be bigger yet than what we have witnessed this weekend, or indeed, this year. Here is a reminder of what is at stake:

  13. daniel flesch says

    Greg Baum in today’s Age “…victory to the Cats is the home-and-away status quo in this rivalry. Hawthorn saves its scarce triumphs for deep in September. ” Same as i said on Saturday , though Greg writes more elegantly. Another difference is he gets paid for it . Ho hum…

  14. September, 2011 – 31 point win to the Cats over Hawks.

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