The 2020 Fred Smith Cup – Round 18

Greetings Tipsters


That ol’ Squire Maclachlan, he can be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes. He contacted Trans-Dementia Inc via one of the media cut-out companies, KOTJ RadioMF, begging a contract for Grand Final entertainment. The call came through.


“What the bloomin’ heck, Squire? We have been suggesting all manner of music, sculpture and performance art since the Twentieth Century and now, now, NOW you ring me? Listen up, ya bloody goose, most every act I promoted has burned out. Yes, like your knee. What’s that? Yes, not bad. Ah, but not that, no. Yeah, maybe. Throw a bit more into the pot. Oh no, don’t be an idiot, a bit more than that, sunshine. Well… that’s good start Squire. Yeah, thanks. Yes, I will drive it with the utmost of care. Yep, I’ll get on the fone to Mark, Jim, Rob, Louis, Brad, Dennis. Good, we’re gonna need a horn section and harmony singers too. Yeah, Alabama. Yes. Look here, ya bloody chook, your staff have more spare time than mine, get onto it!”


He rang off, suitably chastened.


Anyway, that was Sateve, I wrote up the call and later wondered whether publishing it was a little too self-aggrandising. I awoke Sunday with a lump the size of a tennis ball on the tip of my elbow and consequent restricted movement so I went to visit my friends at the local Casualty ward where the elegant young Dr Ellen Huang told me in her flat drawl punctuated with the likes of “clear as mud, eh” that it was bursitis.


With movement and motivation thus restricted, I didn’t write again until Tuesday and figured the word count was more important than possible self-aggrandisment. Gee whiz, what with my van, my back and my elbow, I’ve had about as much luck lately as Nathan Buckley.


Frinite, the 4&20s managed 8 goals, which turned out to be the lowest score of the round, Pendlebury twinged his hammy, de Goey got reported, the Pivotonians ran rings around them and Esava Ratugolea, he of the best name in the League, kicked five. Geelong 17.12.114, Collingwood 8.6.48


Satarvo, the Monaros broke down again. The shocks collapsed, the gearbox jammed, the carburettor blocked, the plugs fouled. The Mayblooms best was just enough. Hawthorn 11.14.80, GWS 10.11.71


The Schoolies Carrara fortress was breached by the Trebuchet Tigers. Yeah, I just had to write that tho it is inaccurate. It was a great match, the locals bouncing around like young dalmatians while the visitors played more of a steadfast rottweiler game. Richmond 16.10.106, Gold Coast 13.15.93


Shark Hunts In Foreign Waters! Wearing the black strip, one of the best in the league, it eventually ate the Swan, tho not without a struggle. Buddy banged a couple early, went to the rooms, the visitors steadily asserted themselves, Dixon dibbed four, two in the last. Port Adelaide 15.12.102, Sydney 12.11.83


Footscray 16.14.108, St Kilda 14.12.96


It was great to see the ol’ Funky Purps strip out on the paddock again. The white anchor, the navigation lights and the royal purple made a great look. I had an inflatable Funky Anchor hanging from my loungeroom ceiling 25 years ago. Satnite at Perth Stadium, the good defensive game returned, the Wiggles couldn’t get a decent shot in the last when it really counted. Good to see Clive Waterhouse present the trophy. Fremantle 13.10.88, West Coast 11.19.85


This is what used to be known as ‘shaping the eight’. Essendon 14.13.97, North Melbourne 11.11.77


Brisbane 14.15.99, Carlton 12.7.79


Adelaide 14.8.92, Melbourne 10.10.70


My elbow has caused my forearm to seize up again.


Cheers Tipsters


P&C, A Stop Privatisation Of Football Production, a division of Trans-Dementia Inc.
Brought to you with the asxiztance of single handed typing.


Ri – 1550 – 1370 – 113.14 – 54
GW – 1532 – 1317 – 116.32 – 46
Br – 1606 – 1372 – 117.06 – 44
WC – 1584 – 1361 – 116.39 – 44
Ge – 1531 – 1375 – 111.35 – 40
Co – 1456 – 1356 – 107.37 – 40
Fo – 1391 – 1387 – 100.29 – 40
SK – 1432 – 1393 – 102.80 – 36
NM – 1349 – 1327 – 101.66 – 36
Sy – 1420 – 1380 – 102.90 – 32
PA – 1408 – 1390 – 101.29 – 32
Me – 1375 – 1385 – 99.28 – 32
GC – 1349 – 1502 – 89.81 – 24
Fr – 1257 – 1431 – 87.84 – 24
Ha – 1226 – 1500 – 81.73 – 24
Ad – 1275 – 1524 – 83.66 – 20
Es – 1198 – 1457 – 82.22 – 20
Ca – 1307 – 1516 – 86.21 – 16


Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.


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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.

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