Sean’s Muppet Manifesto for Australia

I think new and innovative ideas are always the best way to go, which is why whenever I hear of one I try to imitate it and copy it.

Shane Keith Warne’s Manifesto on improving the current state of Australian cricket has done many things, not least of all allow many old shots of the Muppet Show characters to be superimposed on people’s bodies.

However, I think he may have something. Bear with me.

Warne’s manifesto is summarised pretty much as:

(1) Get rid of all the people I don’t know

(2) Replace them with my mates

(3) Although in the past I thought coaches were useless, now I think we should have lots

(4) I played against a Kiwi bloke who seemed to know what he was doing, so get him too

(5) Leave everything alone, (except the things I think we should change)

That’s it.

Oh, and PS: I’ll try to glance at the screen every now and then from the poker table or swanning with Liz to see how these things are going.

Having said that though, the arrival on our doorstep of a lovely 8 month long election campaign has led me to want to combine the best aspects of SKW’s ideas and the desire to change this great nation by launching my own Political Manifesto (catchy title don’t you think? Nothing could go wrong with that)

Just like lazy interview or exam questions can be along the lines of “If you were Prime Minister, what would you do”, SKW has invited us to think what life would be like in a particular field if we just simply changed everything to suit ourselves.

Looking around my group of mates, I think there are fine people who could do a better job than those in power, so here are my suggestions:

  • Dave is good with money, selling his share portfolio 6 months before the GFC, and as he’s now gone part time, doing consulting whilst returning to Uni, clearly has the time to be Treasurer.
  • Peter has a building company, seems to be doing pretty well by the looks of the new holiday house, so there’s Infrastructure covered.
  • Jimmy is a bookie, so natch, Youth, Sport and Rec is his.
  • Deanos is something in IT, (could be help desk, could be ASIO, bit of a mystery there our Dean), but irregardless, Communications is the place for him.
  • Pat’s a barrister. Whilst he’s always been a bit ‘Left’ for my liking, we need a charitable soul as Attorney General, especially dealing with asylum issues, and he’s got a good heart.
  • Julesa is a teacher, is good to everyone and loves his cricket, so Education is his bag.
  • AJ could tell you he could do anything, but as a doctor (Assistant Prof of Cardiology, yes, sorry AJ), Health it is.
  • Nickos is a bit of a mystery man, but as he seems to do some sort of Mergers and Acquisitions work, I think Foreign Affairs and Trade suit him (and he’s dodgy as too, so there’s another feather in his cap)
  • My brother in law, Andrew, ran his own dry cleaner for years, top fella too, so the Small Business portfolio has a leader there.
  • Lofty lives in Hong Kong and seems to work with international mining companies. He travels a lot, is heaps clever, networked to the hilt and great with the hospitality, so Mining seems reasonable.
  • Mike is also overseas in Shanghai, works as a lawyer and has a part share in a girly bar in Hong Kong. I’m thinking Ambassador or Trade envoy, our man in the Far East.
  • Case is on gardening leave, but does stuff with money and was a lawyer, as well as being a genuinely nice bloke. Whilst it’s clear I’m the smartest bloke in the room, I can’t squeeze being PM into my schedule, as that garden’s not going to fix itself and there’s still boxes to unpack from the recent house move, so I think Case’s the man to run the joint.

A couple of Almanackers are welcome to roles in my new ga’ment. Litza shows the characteristics of a fine Press Secretary and T Bone, you’ve got Arts covered for mine.

Following the fine management principle that it’s better having them inside the tent p*ssing out rather than outside the tent p*ssing in, Mark Doyle is invited to be Ambassador to the UK.

I also nominate JT Harms for Gov. General, and Cookie and Smokey as Ministers without Portfolio, because it would be great to have them around.

There you have it. If Shane Keith can take pot shots, Statler and Waldorf style from the cheap seats, rattling off a Manifesto in a couple of days, can’t be that hard to change a country, can it?

Pretty much, pop in your mates, no responsibility, and off we go.

Under my plan, I give us 3 months before we make Greece look flush with funds.

But trust me Australia, it will be the best three months you’ve ever had!


Written and Spoken by Sean Curtain for the SKW Muppet Party of Australia

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.


  1. Neil Belford says

    When my dad was a civil engineer in the civil service he used to have to report to the under secretary quite a bit. I always thought that was the coolest job title ever, so can you, forthwith, rename the title of the head of all departments back to being the under secretary, and while you are at it can you horizontally inject me into one of them as the under secretary. Primary industries or Telecommunications will do. I dont know much about them but thats more than I know about anything else. My qualifications are that I started out with nothing and I have still got most of it left.

  2. Neil Belford says

    On a different note – what a magnificent response from James Sutherland. I have under-estimated him.

  3. Arts? Sounds cushy. Thanks Sean

    PS. If you do get voted in, hope that time me, you and Rochie went to that strip club doesn’t catch up with you.

    Double PS. Sean’s loved ones, far not, there wasn’t that one time. Sean actually split from us well before we got through the doors. I believe he spent the rest of that evening helping out at a soup kitchen.

    Triple PS. Good stuff Sean. Warne truly is an idiot.

  4. Sssssh, Sean… those of us who dabble in the dark arts work better when we go under the radar.

  5. Neil

    Happy to have you on board in the ministry, but I must point out that any country I run (or have a mate run for me as I’ll be too busy) won’t have any horizontal injecting happening under any secretaries.


  6. Sean, agree with the summary of Warne’s “manifesto”, if not the word “manifesto” itself as it implies some ability in abstract thought and acumen on the part of the author. Warne has neither. Instead, as you have pointed out, he is giving a remarkable impersonation of the kid in the schoolyard who picks his mates for a game of scratch cricket and also managed to contradict his own stance half way through.

    Why we keep listening to this bogan is beyond me. A remarkably talented cricketer yes, but any decision he has ever made that did not result in the immediate delivery of a cricket ball has been ill-judged and worthy of ridicule and aspersion. But having said that he is a multi millionaire getting richer and married to a movie star/supermodel so what the hell do I know.

    In addition Dean tells me he not worked helpdesk in almost 20 years, but is happy with the Communications portfolio as it allows him to stream pirate content and watch YouTube all day to ascertain network readiness and capability. In this regard he is taking on the portfolio currently occupied by Nickos and AJ.

    Also I found it difficult to end this piece without a touch of personal obloquy, so regardless (and irrespective) of what your spell-checker might say, there is no such word as irregardless.


  7. Sean, thanks forn the education folio, I’ve been trying to get of the classroom for a few years now, so this maybe an opportunity. Not sure that I will be at ease with the teacher unions given my back ground. I’d introduce compulsory sport, uniforms and cadets in my first year!

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