NFL Week 19 – The Hendon Hooker Cup

 

 

 

 

Greetings Tipsters

Sam Darnold had a brilliant college career, throwing five touchdowns in his last bowl game, he was taken at #1 by the Jets in 20xx, he was 20 years old and in the worst environment a rookie quarterback could imagine. That worked out just as you’d expect. Then he went to Carolina, an equally disastrous team.

Then, oh thank heavens, he had a season in San Francisco and got to sit back and learn for the first time since junior high. Kyle Shanahan is a smart guy, great with the O, perfect spot for Sam to have a year off the field. Then he signed a one year deal with Vikings, expecting to fill the gap while JJ McCarthy, drafted at #10, got his game together.

JJ played great in the pre-season then ripped a meniscus, Sam is now the starter, Kevin O’Connell is a O type coach, great with quarterbacks, Sam ripped it for 16 games, yeah it helps to throw to the best receiver, but he had great stats and his team loved him. He was on track for a $45M/year contract.

Then Vikings played Lions for #1 NFC and Sam wet the bed. A week later against LA Rams, in Arizona cos fires forced a stadium move, Sam defecated like a Pommy backpacker in Jaipur. Sacked nine times – equal worst in playoffs, but Joe Burrow won his game – for 87 yards, that’s a record.

In six hours over eight days, Sam hit himself for $10M per season. Prior to his fifth sack in the game, Troy Aikman – who knows a bit about quarterbacking – was yelling “Just throw the ball!”

A smart team might sign him on a contract that gives them an out if his first season aint too flash, like Bucs did with Baker Mayfield. But there are many stupid teams and if Sam’s agent has half a clue, he’ll invent a bidding war and the Titans, or similar, will sign him for $150M over three years and not bother with the careful details.

Holy crap, those details. I found myself a contract lawyer and she studied the contract I’d signed somewhere over the South Pacific Ocean. (Love yr work, Jane) Whilst I am the owner, I don’t sign all the cheques, oops, I mean checks. Shad has the money.

Of course I sacked Doug. He’s a nice guy and that’s his problem. The players love him in the first season, by second season he’s saying “We don’t need that much pre-season practice” and the team falls apart. Post-sacking, we had a piss-up in my backyard with some of the coaching staff, that was a lot of fun, we didn’t invite Trent Baalke.

Terrible GM and a dummy. I wasn’t allowed to sack him but then Shad went and said that we might sack him if the next coach wanted us to, in a vid int w Trent beside him.

Holy bloody flipping HECK! Here I am, trying to create something out of nothing, I want a team that local folks will be proud of, a team that will keep on battling, no matter the scoreboard or standings and here’s Shad saying we might or might not sack the hopeless GM, depending on something of nothing.

We had another meeting in his luxury stretch Hummer, he’s a devious bastard, which explains his billionarism, and I cannot detail the reasons why Trent is still on the payroll but may not be, depending.

“Shad, Aaron Glenn may get head coach in New Orleans, we gotta go for him!”
“Earl, another glass of champagne?”

That’s when I realised I was been taken for a fool, a random flipwit who wasn’t expected to know anything, a frontman for a lousy band. I got Jane to do some work, hire a few smart investigators, I’ve been doing a bit of legwork myself, by the gods, I feel like Travis McGee sometimes.

Could be worse, I could own the Jets.

Cheers Tipsters

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Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.

 

Do you enjoy the Almanac concept?

And want to ensure it continues in its current form, and better? To help things keep ticking over please consider making your own contribution.

 

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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.

Comments

  1. Any word on a QB for the Greenland Grifters? That stadium will make Green Bay feel like Boca Raton.

  2. Condolences to the family.

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