Kayne Calls for DRS at the Grammys

“And the Grammy goes to Beck.”

“And well deserved, Dan. ‘Morning Phase’ is a fine record. A fine, fine record. Probably not Beck’s best, but, of course, the Grammys’ aren’t about that. They’re about recognizing artists 20 years past their prime. We all accept that.”

“And Beck is now making his way to the stage, Jim. Gee there’s not much of him, is there? He’s a real scrawny type; a real bantam-weight.”

“Hmm, you can see why he sang about being a loser all those years ago. Must have found it tough pulling ladies before he was famous.”

“Well he’s a winner tonight, Jim; even if he doesn’t look a smidge of one.”

“And Beck’s now at the podium. And he gracefully accepts the Grammy. And what’s this … Kanye West has stormed the stage!”

“Wow, what a sensation: Kanye West, music’s most obnoxious pig, is pulling another stunt.”

“Jim, the man is just out of control … he’s a real loose cannon.”

“And what’s this? He’s calling for a DRS; he’s shaped his arms to signal a referral.”

“Just picked up something from the podium mike, Jim. Can’t be sure what I heard, but it sounded like he wants artistry respected.”

“Pfff, that’s a laugh. Artistry respected? If you want artistry respected, the last place you’d come to is the Grammys’.”

“Some people just don’t get it, Jim. Some people just don’t get it.”

“I just caught something from the mike, myself, Dan. Seems Kanye wants Beyonce in the review.”

“She’s an attractive girl that Beyonce. The perfect pop music product.”

“Yep, she sings almost as well as she looks.”

“So Dan, how does this DRS work? No ones ever had the nuts to call it before.”

“Same as in cricket, Jim. We’ll Hotspot, Hawkeye and Snicko. I believe they also review the artist’s legitimacy.”

“Ah, of course. Milli Vanilli: we can’t have phonies walking away with awards.”

“And that’s what they’re checking first: did Beck actually sing, play, write, arrange, pretty much do everything on his record?”

“And yes, the front foot didn’t overstep the crease. Beck sang, wrote, played pretty much did everything on his record.”

“And Beyonce?”

“Well she just turned up between Pepsi ads to be exploited … I mean sing.”

“But did she?: did she actually sing?”

“And the front foot again doesn’t overstep! Like Beck, we have Beyonce delivering legitimately.”

“Phew, that’s a relief. Don’t think these awards could have stood another you know who.”

“So what’s next? Oh Snicko.”

“How does Snicko work in this construct?”

“Well, when the nominations were made for albums, was there any snickering from the audience? The Snicko mike, I believe picks the murmurs.”

“And it hasn’t for Beck! After all, he wrote, sang, arranged, lovingly laboured over every aspect of his album.”

“Not good for Beyonce, though. There’s a definite seismic spike on her nomination.”

“Shit that spike is off the charts, Jim. There must have been disdainful coughs and pfff’s in the mix.”

“My hunch is it was the ghost of Joey Ramone and the boys from Metallica.”

“Not to mention all the bitchy divas who begrudge their fellow divas a moment in the sun.”


“OK … what’s next? Hotspot.”

“I reckon Beyonce has Beck covered on that one”

“Ha ha … you never miss the easy ones Dan.”

“I try not to, Jim: I try not to.”

“Anyway, Hotspot: how’s this gonna work?”

“I believe they’re looking for thermal energy on the working areas.”

“OK, I see. And Beck has them pretty much everywhere. On his voice box, the tips of his fingers, his brain, his feet …

“His feet?”

“Clicking those guitar pedals, Jim: clicking those effects pedals. And look, he has one on his tongue. Who’d have thought Beck could ape Hendrix!!”

“He is a virtuoso on top of being a multi-instrumentalist, Dan.”

“He is indeed, Jim: he is indeed.”

“And now for Beyonce? Well the only place really hot  …”

“JIM, this is a family show!”

“Dan, am I rank amateur?”

“That you’re not … continue.”

“Thankyou. The only place hot is her ass … just kidding, folks, just kidding. She’s hot around her index finger.”

“That’d be from pulling rings on Pespi cans.”

“Not much activity around her voice box, Dan. This is not looking good for her.”

“OK, lastly we go to Hawkeye.”

“And this works how?”

“Trajectories: Hawkeye charts the trajectory of how the album is faring in the disposable pop world.”

“And I imagine a genuinely good album will have a trajectory that suggests it will be respected in 10 – 20 years time?”


“And Beck’s is a resoundingly positive trajectory! How about that.”

“And now for Beyonce? Oh dear … that has the look of something going under the chart.”

“Reckon that says her album will be in K-Mart’s bargain bin within a month, Jim.”

“Ouch, Dan.”

“Ouch, indeed.”

“Well I guess that pretty much wraps it up: artistry has been respected. And at the Grammys’ of all places. That makes a nice change.”

“Wonder how Kanye is gonna take it? Oh look, he’s making even a bigger arse of himself and not accepting DRS as well.”

“Whatta you expect from a hip-hop singer, Jim. After all, as IQ’s go, they’re way at the bottom of music’s food chain*.”

*(Or should that be that hip-hop singers have the manners of Collingwood club presidents at Brownlow medals?? I mean Eddie almost did a Kayne on Chris Judd once, didn’t he?)

About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see's a shadow: twelve more months of winter


  1. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Acerbic satire at its best Zitter. Aren’t Beyonce and Kanye part of the Illuminati?

    I would have liked to have seen on of Beck’s ‘minders’ give Kanye good old fashioned piledriver straight through the Grammy stage. That I’d want replayed over and over.

  2. Hey Phil

    I hope your mind’s eye pictured Jim and Dan as U.S. sports broadcasters. Should have maybe made that more obvious by calling them Chuck and Al.

    On Kanye … Jesus, what a pig that man is. I mean, even if it was Guy Sebastian up there getting best album, you don’t pull shit like that. And to do it coz you reckon Beyonce was more deserving. AND THAT IN WAS OVER RESPECTING ARTISTRY!!!. Like Jesus, Beyonce comes as close to artistry as the Catholic church’s internal investigations does to integrity.

    ‘Morning Phase’ by the way is a fine, fine record. And even though it may not have been the best album in 2014, it has the best song. ‘Blue Moon’ is an absolute masterpiece and Beck’s crowning achievement. In this one song, Beck taps into an artistry that goes as deep as the Mariana trench. How Kanye missed that says everything about him …

  3. Mickey Randall says

    I like your thinking here. We can all probably come up with a list of times when we could have benefited from the DRS at home or work or even out on a Sunday drive.

    Beck is entirely more deserving too.

  4. Luke Reynolds says

    Brilliant, funny work Peter. And Jim and Dan of course. Kanye is a flog.

    I’m with the Collingwood President in wishing there was DRS at the 2010 Brownlow Medal though…

    Blue Moon IS a masterpiece.

  5. Luke and Micky. Good to hear u blokes appreciate Beck’s artistry too. I’m actually a massive fan of Beck. His albums are usually patchy affairs, but this is outweighed by the 2 or 3 tracks he usually gets right. Love these songs as much as I love anything.

    DRS elsewhere?? Gee, I’d love to Hotspot, Hawkeye and Snicko some of life’s greater frustrations. I’d start with Andrew Bolt and then take it to the Vatican. I’d then head down to the Creation Museum in America’s deep south. I hear they Dinosaur exhibits with saddles on them. That kind of bullshit has GOT to put under DRS’s microscope.

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