If you’re having footy problems I feel bad for you son, I got 14 problems but Mick ain’t one

14 random questions that are keeping me guessing just at the minute:

Is Richard Ings’s full-time job being the former Head of ASADA?

Last Sunday afternoon was stunning Melbourne autumn weather, with no chance of rain, a great day to be out and about soaking up the rays, a beautiful day for football to be celebrated, and the crowd to bask in April sunshine. So, clearly, you’d immediately shut the roof at Etihad wouldn’t you?

St Kilda believes they will win their second flag by 2020. So, they’re moving to the VFL then?

Why does Steven Dank always have to lock that tiny little front gate of his?

So have the comedy double act of Sticks and Mick thrown the Premiership clock out of the Premiership window?

Having now lost to the 13th, 16th and 18th placed sides from last year already, have the Dees actually got worse this year?

If real Cuban cigars are ‘rolled on the thighs of virgins’ then is the pastry casing of a Four and Twenty sausage roll sold at the MCG rolled on the thighs of Victoria’s Secret supermodels for the prices they charge for them?

And if in fact proper Cuban cigars are ‘rolled on the thighs of virgins’, that mandatory design and production requirement would I assume rule out the city of Geelong as a potential location for any future cigar factory?

I am an MCC member. But I don’t go to every single match played at the MCG every weekend. According to Andrew Demetriou though, that makes me a “no show”. So, it’s not variable pricing or lousy scheduling to blame, it’s my fault crowd numbers are down apparently?

How many roads must a man walk down, before he realises that his GPS is buggered?

Adele sings that she’ll “set fire to the rain”. I didn’t pay a lot of attention in senior school science but how the hell do you do that?

Is an impending sign that we have all gone completely mad gluten-free edible undies?

The recent announcement Cricket Australia contracts saw incumbent Test number 3 Alex Doolan left off the list and Phil Hughes included. Hughes is there based on his short-form cricket availability, form and prospects. In the recent BBL tournament, Hughes made 101 runs in 7 innings, with 58 of those coming in one dig. He failed to pass 20 in the other 6 knocks. In his most recent ODI appearances last November in India, he played four times for individual scores of 11 runs at a strike rate of 64, 22 at 55, 13 at 59 and 23 at 69. My question then is this: how incriminating must the photos he has of a coked-up, cross-dressing Invers with a donkey at a buck’s party be or who is he actually the secret love child of?

Everybody seems to be taking photos of their food and posting the shot online, so why did I get into trouble? (Granted, most people do take the photo of what the meal looked like before they’d eaten it, not a few hours later)

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.


  1. Four and Twenty sausage rolls and Victoria’s Secrets models? Sound like a worthy successor to the Chiko Roll chick.
    Don’t be too quick to dismiss the Saints. I saw 2 fine mobile young ruckmen and a talented developing midfield on the weekend. They need to find 3 or 4 key position players – front and back (Riewoldt is not immortal). But if they can unearth them, there is the making of a serious footy team there.

  2. Earl O'Neill says

    Gluten free edible undies really exist?!

  3. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Thanks Sean at least we no the crowd numbers are your fault and can you let the Knackery no when you are setting fire to the rain I reckon you will get a great crowd for that . I haven’t given up on Phil Hughes yet it’s only 18 months ago when we were all expressing similar sentiments re Steve Smith
    Enjoyable and entertaining thanks Sean

  4. Nick Gibson says

    Well that’s a bloody relief. As an AFL member who’s only been to 5 games in 3 rounds I was thinking it was my fault. I’m allowed 40 games, but usually only get to two dozen or so. I’m really, really sorry. Perhaps if I start working for less than the minimum wage, then wait longer for a smaller pension the world will set itself right and AFL CEO’s can give themselves a bigger salary package to pay for more polo ponies. JHC indeed.

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