If it moves, Brand it. If it doesn’t, sponsor it anyway.

With even the AFL Trade and Free Agency period now having a sponsor with Gillette plastered over everything, can it be too long before commentary of the opening round sounds like this:

Welcome back and we are minutes away from the kick off to the Toyota AFL season with the traditional Round 1 match-up between Carlton and Richmond.

A late change with an Advice Line Injury Update on Jeremy Duigan. An injury in the Dencorub warm up has him a late change, Doc Larkins saying it looked like a Betocchi ham-string and he is replaced by Josh Bootsma, who will wear the Subway Sub vest.

The Blues in their traditional white Tropfest Film Festival shorts tonight, the Tigers kicking to the Mirvac development end, Carlton to the Cricketers Arms end.

A lot of talk in the lead up that Carlton coach Mick Malthouse Theatre will return to the Collingwood style of play around the boundary and take play down the CFMEU left wing side, in favour of the Bolt Report right wing in front of the Great Southern Stand side. Let’s see how the move from the Westpac Centre to Visy Park has gone in the KFC off season and the NAB Cup.

Ready to start, the Coca Cola countdown clock runs us down to the siren and the OPSM umpire bounces the Volkswagen Sherrin onto the Toyota logo and we are away.

First Aussie Disposal to Cotchin within the Centre Federation Square and he kicks it Inside Football Inside 50 where Riewoldt takes a Big M Mark of the Day contender.

Too easy there for Richmond, Cotchin getting the Coroma Bathrooms tap from Maric, and Riewoldt will line up for the first Crown Casino goal of the season.

Slight angle but no mistake from Jack, and that’s a Good Guys goal of the day and the Virgin Mobiles scoreboard has the Tigers with first blood.

Centre Bounce Trampoline again, this time the Land Kruezer gets it down to Murphy, gets his handball out and then held, so a Free Tibet kick to the Blues. Murphy grabbed by the jumper, the Tigers looking to impose themselves with more Holeproof Underdaks hard tackles this season.

Murphy, plays on, goes inboard, kicks to the King Gee forward pocket, off hands to Place your Betts, handball to Garlett, off a step, loads up, has it got the Cash and Carry?!

No, it hits the Australia Post for one point. The Richmond Coaches Telstra T-Box will be relieved as theTigers lead one straight to one behind.


And so on, and so on, and so on.

About Sean Curtain

"He was born with a gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad". First line of 'Scaramouche' by Sabatini, always liked that.


  1. Andrew Starkie says

    Sean, very good stuff. Funny, but also sad. Did you happen to catch the NRL GF? I watched most of it – I struggle with NRL and can only watch bits here and there. Very happy for the Storm, though. But, in the dying minutes, ch9 did a cross promo in the bottom of the tv screen for a program coming up that week and the commentator, not sure who, broke from his commentary on the game and gave this show a plug. By his tone of voice, he didn’t sound happy. i couldn’t believe it. Came across as amateurish.

  2. Dave Nadel says

    This would be very entertaining if it wasn’t so prescient. Good post, Sean.

  3. Dencorub warmup! Ha ha!!!! Brilliant Sean. Yes, 3AW’s Goodguys Goal of the day has become a pervasive part of their coverage (et all). Especially coming out of Tim Lane. These commercial plugs are getting as out of hand as your satirical take. Great post.

  4. Land Kruezer … Free Tibet kick … got these on the second read. Ha Ha!

  5. Peter Schumacher says

    What I think is that the footy these days is more exciting to watch than ever or at lest that was certainly the case in the GF.

    Having said that I think that the atmosphere of the game is being ruined by the incessant intruding and annoying voice overs on PA systems attempting to hype up those ignorant enough to allow themselves to be hyped up by artificial voice overs.

    The advertising hoardings are every where aided and abetted by the gargantuan TV screens in which advertisers attempt to recoup their costs. Obviously you can’t blame them of course but for those who want to think for themselves the atmosphere engendered is totally counter productive.

    It will never happen of course, can’t happen but I wish so much that instead of all of the bullshit we have to endure why can’t curtain raisers, i.e. the seconds, be played. Of course we all know why this can’t happen, the commercial imperatives that now exists, besides those players in the next tier down might bugger up the playing surface. What sort of nancy boys play in the A Grade!?

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