GWS: Cursed by injuries

 

GWS’s injury woes have gone from bad to worse, with a crop of new ailments plaguing the club this week, ranging from the bizarre to the perverse.

 

“We’re really feeling cursed at the mome,” said club official, Kev Cox. “In fact, cursed is just the word for some, ‘cos Toby misses this week with a hex.”

 

According to Cox, Toby Greene has suffered a freakish number of close scrapes while getting around the house of recent. “He had a falling chandelier miss him by inches, a dustbuster spraying sparks in his hand, and a mixmaster rupturing its casing, flaying the blades just past his ears,” he clarified.

 

Greene holidayed in Eastern Europe in the off season, and the club understands he got on the wrong side of the locals. “Ever since Toby returned, he’s dodged bullet after bullet. We’re concerned if he plays this week, he’ll get hit by space junk,” worried Cox.

 

Cox went on to say that Dylan Shiel will also miss this week with an atypical condition. “Dyl holidayed with Tobe in Latvia and picked up a nasty strain of Kavorka,” he explained.

 

Seinfeld fans would be well versed with Kavorka, but for those not familiar with the condition, Kovarca is having ‘the lure of the animal.’

 

“Dyl has wrapped himself in braids of garlic for weeks, but nothing seems to do the trick,” said Cox. “The poor lad’s had to fight off the ladies to the point of exhaustion and it’s finally taken its toll.”

 

John Patton is another who will be sidelined this week. “’The General’ has a debilitating case of a 1000 yard stare,” said Cox. “Pretty much everything under 1000 yards is a blur to him. We believe he got it playing shoot ’em up games on PlayStation. Hopefully he’ll have the stare down to 100 yards by next week. That way he’ll at least see the midfield transitions coming his way from the wings.”

 

Another suffering an eye aliment is Josh Kelly: his pupils have dilated into $ shapes. “Josh is a little star-stuck by all the attention he’s getting from the Shinboners,” said Cox. “His pupils contorted into $ shapes after his best on ground performance against the Bombers and his vision is now worse than John’s.”

 

Further, Heath Shaw is expected to be rested with a case of sibling rivalry. Cox said, “Heath feels that his dad, Ray, has been playing faves with Reece ever since they were kids. He’s feeling pretty much unloved and it’s got so that he can’t even sledge venomously with the R bomb nowadays.”

 

Jeremy Cameron may also miss while on Carer’s leave: his mum has a crippling eruption of toe jam and needs a family member to drive her to the clinic. While Phil Davis has been laid low with the ‘Mondays’, brought upon by binge listening to Elliot Smith’s melancholia. He is also in doubt for this week’s clash.

 

On the upside, Callum Ward appears to have shaken off the voodoo that has been niggling him all season, while Shane Mumford’s troubling attacks of stage-fright seem behind him. GWS are even upbeat that Lachie Whitfield’s pathological fibbing won’t sideline him this week. “He’s been training down the house all week,” beamed Cox. “At this stage he won’t even have to take a polygraph to prove his fitness. But you’d better get that from the horse, ‘cos I’m just the property steward here.”

 

 

About Punxsutawney Pete

Punxsutawney Pete see's a shadow: twelve more months of winter

Comments

  1. Peter Warrington says:

    ! teeheeish of the highest order : )

  2. kath presdee says:

    You scoff at the hexes on the Giants.

    Those of us in the know dread “Sliding Doors” each week. Not only for the quality of the observations, but whenever Barrett says nice things about the Giants, we lose a defender.

  3. PP- that’s a quality dissection. “binge listening to Elliot Smith’s melancholia” is a great line, and I would think that a case of Mondays might be the best result.

  4. John Butler says:

    If Elliot Smith is laying him low, then for Christ sakes keep him away from the Nick Drake selection.

  5. Punxsu..and-the-rest-of-it Pete says:

    Mickey and John, agree, having *only* ‘The Mondays’ after listening to Elliot or Nick a best case scenario. Those guys could even bum out Tony Robbins. Still, Elliot paints wonderful acoustic tapestries, and Nick has his charms. And on downer music, Beck’s grammy award winning ‘Morning Phase’ is right up there. But it takes melancholia into stunning realms.

    Kath, love your giants. Looking forward to watching em when all their outs are back.

    Thanks for reading PW

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