Gigs Stats Round 7: Introducing the Moronic Mnemonic

Stats Entertainment Round 7

by Andrew Gigacz

SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF

Apologies to all for the lack of any stats entertainment in rounds 5 and 6. Apart from assisting a certain Canberra-based Swan with his budget problems, I got caught up working on the script of my new film about a throat and chest surgeon’s efforts to create a theme park based on his life’s work. It’s called Thoracic Park.

(Just for Andrew Fithall – “sorry about that”.)

But fear not, footy folk, my mind has reverted from thoracic to statistic and I am back on board!

4 x MAGPIES = BULLDOGS

Round 7 began on Friday night with the Dogs emphatically showing that they are four times the side Collingwood is. There might be those who would argue that point but the facts are undeniable. Collingwood beat the Demons by one point in Round 2 but the Dogs went way better, quadrupling the Pies’ margin and walloping Melbourne by a fantastic 4 points.

THE BULLDOGS (THREE, TWO) WON IN THE END

Despite the emphatic victory there were those who thought that Dogs seemed to be at sixes and sevens for most of the night. Well they were not. Again, if we turn to the facts, we see that Footscray were actually at twos and threes. Below is what the Dogs scored in each of their four quarters on Friday night:

3.2, 2.3, 3.2, 2.3

OMEN OF THE WEEK

Still on last Friday night’s game, the final score of 10.10 (70) to 9.12 (66) has not been seen since North Melbourne defeated Fitzroy in the 1958 First Semi-Final. Hmmm. 1958 – wasn’t there a certain Magpie team that had a bit of success that year?

FOOTY’S COMET

We’ve all heard of Halley’s Comet. It comes around every 76 years. Well, I’ve been peering through my statiscope and have uncovered Footy’s Comet. It travels a little faster than Edmond’s comet does, though. This one comes around every 30 years. What is this comet? It’s the scoreline 109-106. Registered by Port Adelaide and Essendon on Saturday, it has not previously been seen since North Melbourne beat South Melbourne 109-106 in Round 8, 1980. Before that, the previous sighting was in Round 6, 1950 when the Blues pipped the Bulldogs with the same score.

3-ING IS BELIEVING

Port’s win was the third 3-point game this year. Interestingly, all three of those games have seen the winning score ending in 9, with losing score ending in (obviously) 6. St Kilda’s last gasp win over the Dogs in Round 6 saw a final score of 49-46, while Port fell in against West Coast in Round 2 where the score was 89-86.

ROUND 6 LOOPY LADDER

Tom Harley said it on Friday night during the dour struggle between the Dogs and the Dees: attacking footy brings the crowds in but defensive footy wins flags. With that in mind, here’s what the ladder would look like if it were based entirely on defence, i.e. the teams’ “points against”:

St. Kilda	490
Footscray	549
Melbourne	549
Collingwood	554
Sydney	563
Geelong	590
Fremantle	603
Carlton	612
Brisbane	653
Port Adel	659
Adelaide	668
Hawthorn	674
Essendon	706
West Coast	717
Kangaroos	735
Richmond	861

What does this teach us? I have no idea but, gee, it feels good to find a way to knock Collingwood off the top of the ladder.




MORONIC MNEMONIC OF THE WEEK

You know how you’re always trying to remember the top 8, in order, so you can impress the cute girl who sits near you at work? (What? Doesn’t anyone else do that?) Well Gigs has the answer for you, thanks to the introduction of my new segment: Moronic Mnemonic of the Week.

For those who don’t know, a mnemonic is a memory aid. Some of you might have heard the one used to memorise the order of the nine planets before Pluto was demoted: My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles.

So rather than trying to remember that the top 8 is currently Collingwood, Fremantle, Geelong, Sydney, St Kilda, Port Adelaide, Carlton, Western Bulldogs, simply remember that after St Kilda’s efforts to regain top spot failed dismally last night,

Collingwood Felt Good Seeing Saints Play Carlton Woefully




POSTCODE OF THE WEEK

Honourable mentions to

(a) Hawthorn, whose season went down the drain on Saturday and whose quarter and half time scores (3.1, 5.4) combined to make the postcode of The Basin, and
(b) Sydney, who were given a tertiary level football lesson by Geelong and whose quarter and half time scores (3.0, 5.2) made up the postcode of Melbourne University.

But this week’s Postal Presentation goes to Fremantle. At last the Dockers appear to have found a brand of football worthy of the big stadium. Perfect, because their quarter by quarter points tally of 3468 is the postcode of “Amphitheatre”.




BIRTHDAYS BRING BAD NEWS TO SOME, BETTER TO ONE

My fellow Almanacker, Steve Healy, reports that, in Round 6, Chris Masten (21) and Mark Seaby (26) both had birthdays to forget, each receiving a serious injury on their special day.  Troy Selwood (26) had better luck, being a late inclusion on his birthday.

IT’S NO BULL, MAN

Another Almanacker, Adam Bulman, was also on the ball last week, pointing out that, (a) in round 6, nine of the 16 AFL teams had 2 behinds to their total at quarter time and (b) the Dees loss to North in Round 6 was the first time Melbourne finished on an even-numbered final score, as their final scores in the first 5 rounds were all odd.

Not content with that, Mr Bulman also came up with an anagram to remember.

Says Adam, “much has been made of Carlton’s booze boat cruise, in particular the antics of Eddie Betts, Ryan Houlihan, Andrew Walker and Mitch Robinson, but one Carlton player rumoured to have been involved in the infamous cruise that has escaped attention is KADE SIMPSON. Those Carlton players were reputed to have given young Levi Casboult way too much alcohol and made Casboult, a rookie key-position prospect and an OK MAN, PISSED.”

Great anagram there, Adam. To maintain the GigStat tradition, I’ll finish with one too:

RIDICULOUS FOOTY ANAGRAM OF THE WEEK

The word “cakewalk” is being bandied about a fair bit at the moment. As in “the premiership is, for the good old Collingwood”. You would think Pies fans would have learnt by now. Their past history, recent and ancient, is littered with early season promise that goes ultimately unfulfilled. So before any more Magpie manics go putting any more horses before any more carts, may I remind them that THE PREMIERSHIP’S A CAKEWALK is an anagram of WE PEAK, SMIRK, SLIP. HEARTACHE.