Gigs Stats Round 7: Introducing the Moronic Mnemonic

Stats Entertainment Round 7

by Andrew Gigacz


Apologies to all for the lack of any stats entertainment in rounds 5 and 6. Apart from assisting a certain Canberra-based Swan with his budget problems, I got caught up working on the script of my new film about a throat and chest surgeon’s efforts to create a theme park based on his life’s work. It’s called Thoracic Park.

(Just for Andrew Fithall – “sorry about that”.)

But fear not, footy folk, my mind has reverted from thoracic to statistic and I am back on board!


Round 7 began on Friday night with the Dogs emphatically showing that they are four times the side Collingwood is. There might be those who would argue that point but the facts are undeniable. Collingwood beat the Demons by one point in Round 2 but the Dogs went way better, quadrupling the Pies’ margin and walloping Melbourne by a fantastic 4 points.


Despite the emphatic victory there were those who thought that Dogs seemed to be at sixes and sevens for most of the night. Well they were not. Again, if we turn to the facts, we see that Footscray were actually at twos and threes. Below is what the Dogs scored in each of their four quarters on Friday night:

3.2, 2.3, 3.2, 2.3


Still on last Friday night’s game, the final score of 10.10 (70) to 9.12 (66) has not been seen since North Melbourne defeated Fitzroy in the 1958 First Semi-Final. Hmmm. 1958 – wasn’t there a certain Magpie team that had a bit of success that year?


We’ve all heard of Halley’s Comet. It comes around every 76 years. Well, I’ve been peering through my statiscope and have uncovered Footy’s Comet. It travels a little faster than Edmond’s comet does, though. This one comes around every 30 years. What is this comet? It’s the scoreline 109-106. Registered by Port Adelaide and Essendon on Saturday, it has not previously been seen since North Melbourne beat South Melbourne 109-106 in Round 8, 1980. Before that, the previous sighting was in Round 6, 1950 when the Blues pipped the Bulldogs with the same score.


Port’s win was the third 3-point game this year. Interestingly, all three of those games have seen the winning score ending in 9, with losing score ending in (obviously) 6. St Kilda’s last gasp win over the Dogs in Round 6 saw a final score of 49-46, while Port fell in against West Coast in Round 2 where the score was 89-86.


Tom Harley said it on Friday night during the dour struggle between the Dogs and the Dees: attacking footy brings the crowds in but defensive footy wins flags. With that in mind, here’s what the ladder would look like if it were based entirely on defence, i.e. the teams’ “points against”:

St. Kilda 490
Footscray 549
Melbourne 549
Collingwood 554
Sydney 563
Geelong 590
Fremantle 603
Carlton 612
Brisbane 653
Port Adel 659
Adelaide 668
Hawthorn 674
Essendon 706
West Coast 717
Kangaroos 735
Richmond 861

What does this teach us? I have no idea but, gee, it feels good to find a way to knock Collingwood off the top of the ladder.


You know how you’re always trying to remember the top 8, in order, so you can impress the cute girl who sits near you at work? (What? Doesn’t anyone else do that?) Well Gigs has the answer for you, thanks to the introduction of my new segment: Moronic Mnemonic of the Week.

For those who don’t know, a mnemonic is a memory aid. Some of you might have heard the one used to memorise the order of the nine planets before Pluto was demoted: My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles.

So rather than trying to remember that the top 8 is currently Collingwood, Fremantle, Geelong, Sydney, St Kilda, Port Adelaide, Carlton, Western Bulldogs, simply remember that after St Kilda’s efforts to regain top spot failed dismally last night,

Collingwood Felt Good Seeing Saints Play Carlton Woefully


Honourable mentions to

(a) Hawthorn, whose season went down the drain on Saturday and whose quarter and half time scores (3.1, 5.4) combined to make the postcode of The Basin, and
(b) Sydney, who were given a tertiary level football lesson by Geelong and whose quarter and half time scores (3.0, 5.2) made up the postcode of Melbourne University.

But this week’s Postal Presentation goes to Fremantle. At last the Dockers appear to have found a brand of football worthy of the big stadium. Perfect, because their quarter by quarter points tally of 3468 is the postcode of “Amphitheatre”.


My fellow Almanacker, Steve Healy, reports that, in Round 6, Chris Masten (21) and Mark Seaby (26) both had birthdays to forget, each receiving a serious injury on their special day.  Troy Selwood (26) had better luck, being a late inclusion on his birthday.


Another Almanacker, Adam Bulman, was also on the ball last week, pointing out that, (a) in round 6, nine of the 16 AFL teams had 2 behinds to their total at quarter time and (b) the Dees loss to North in Round 6 was the first time Melbourne finished on an even-numbered final score, as their final scores in the first 5 rounds were all odd.

Not content with that, Mr Bulman also came up with an anagram to remember.

Says Adam, “much has been made of Carlton’s booze boat cruise, in particular the antics of Eddie Betts, Ryan Houlihan, Andrew Walker and Mitch Robinson, but one Carlton player rumoured to have been involved in the infamous cruise that has escaped attention is KADE SIMPSON. Those Carlton players were reputed to have given young Levi Casboult way too much alcohol and made Casboult, a rookie key-position prospect and an OK MAN, PISSED.”

Great anagram there, Adam. To maintain the GigStat tradition, I’ll finish with one too:


The word “cakewalk” is being bandied about a fair bit at the moment. As in “the premiership is, for the good old Collingwood”. You would think Pies fans would have learnt by now. Their past history, recent and ancient, is littered with early season promise that goes ultimately unfulfilled. So before any more Magpie manics go putting any more horses before any more carts, may I remind them that THE PREMIERSHIP’S A CAKEWALK is an anagram of WE PEAK, SMIRK, SLIP. HEARTACHE.

About Andrew Gigacz

Well, here we are. The Bulldogs have won a flag. What do I do now?


  1. Andrew Fithall says

    Apology accepted Gigs. For a moment there I thought you were going to refer to another film that had a throat theme. Can’t recall much about it (because of course I wouldn’t have seen it) but I think it might have been quite deep and meaningful.

    Oh now I remember: “All the President’s Men”.

  2. Gigs,

    for the politically incorrect comment of the week. Is “Thorasic Park” a Bollywood production?

  3. Jonathan says

    Don’t wish to be a pedant (but I’ll be one) don’t mnemonics only work when all the letters are different?

    You could easily get Carlton & Collingwood mixed up using your system, if it wasn’t for the publicity the Pies have been getting. There are undiscovered Amazonian tribes that have heard that Collingwood is top of the ladder.

  4. Come on Jonathan! “Don’t wish to be a pedant…”

    Yes you do! You love it! (I know I do.)

    I take your point but will answer by saying that if it’s good enough for the planets (My Very Earnest Mother…) then it’s good enough for me.

    Having said that, I’d welcome alternative names for Collingwood and/or Carlton to reduce the chance of mnemonic mayhem amongst Amazonian (and any other) tribes.

  5. Steve Healy says

    thanks for the mention Gigs, fantastic stuff again, its great to see you back.

    Steve, at school

  6. Thanks, Steve.

    Now get back to that Bunsen burner.

  7. Danielle says


    k ill start crying now then!

    Gigs, you are so cool at this mathematical mumbo-jumbo!
    Today in business my teacher asked me if i was fast at doing footy scores in my head my response was:
    “Nope, i have to wait for the score to come up on the tv”
    That’s what years of barely passing maths does to you.

  8. Top work as usual Gigs, cheers for the mention.

    Somehow, I suspect Bunsen burners would be very unlikely to appear in an R.E class.

  9. Thanks Adam. Don’t be so sure about that (comment 8). You know the story about how the Holy Spirit appeared as tongues of flame to the Apostles after Jesus ascended into heaven?

    My theory is it will all done using Bunsen burners…

  10. Haha Gigs, that’s a very interesting theory, it’d be amusing if someone asked that to the minister during mass!

    Stand by for a comment from Danni that says “GIGS! YOU STOLE COMMENT 9!”

  11. Steve Healy says

    hahaha, funny Gigs.

    Danni, maths and footy scores are completely different.

    I could answer to footy scores before I knew what maths was, there’s the proof

  12. Steve Healy says

    Don’t encourage her Adam…

  13. I wrote out my Round 8 prediction scores during maths today..

    Nice work as always Gigs.

  14. Well Andrew I know you are a pedant so you will appreciate the correction. The Fremantle point sequence should be 5468 – which is not the postcode of anywhere. Does this mean Freo are not second, they are actually nowhere?

  15. Danielle says

    ….omg GIGS! you stole comment SUPERMAN!!
    lol i forgive you and ill take comment Leigh Brown.

  16. Steve Healy says

    I always write footy scores in my maths book!

    Probably shows why my maths results are so bad…

  17. I rip the page out and chuck it in the bin as I finish them. The kid next to me today could not figure out for the life of him what 3.4.22 meant. People these days!

  18. Danielle says

    lol atleast he’d know what you were doing if you were to tackle him unlike my friends LOL

  19. Steve Healy says

    16- what a ******* ******

  20. Danni, if anyone’s entitled to steal comment 9, it’s me. Born on 3.3 (3 x 3 = 9) at 3:33pm, weighing 3.3kg. (Favourite number 66.7)

    As for footy score memory, maths was easy for me for quite awhile in school, allowing me to play countless games of Dice Footy in class and become very proficient at working at the total for any score between 1.1 and 24.24. (6 numbers on a dice x 4 quarters in a match.)

    And then someone gave me a 20-sided dice…

  21. Danielle says

    – Gigs i was gifted the number nine from my fairy god mother as a b’day gift! but since u have that connection im willing to share :)

  22. 66.7? That’s 403, I don’t think anyone will ever score that high.

  23. Pretty good kicking, too Adam.

    I chose 66.7 because it is my target weight. After having topped 90kg a few years back, I am 68.2 kg now – only 1.5 kg to go!

    And why 66.7? Because it’s 33.3 from 100.

Leave a Comment