Footy Talk: Gary Ablett jnr talks to God (not his Dad, the Guy Upstairs)

Gary Ablett jnr: You’ve already met.

God: What can I say? Allegedly the only bloke (blokette?) who can hit a one iron.

Initial negotiations with GC17 had been unfruitful… and rather baffling. Gazza felt no closer to resolving his dilemma. Having finally made it back from Queensland, his Manager decided to be proactive. Player managers are big wheels nowadays; they have clout. Gazza’s decided he was taking it all the way to the top. God? Since the major churches decided they were more interested in mergers and acquisitions than spirituality, he didn’t have as much to do. Whatever he did, we seemed determined to bugger it up anyway. So he was in the mood to freelance a little…

G: I hear you are troubled young man.

GAJ: (gulps) Yes. This whole Gold Coast offer has become such a big deal. I’m feeling a lot of pressure.

G: It’s a very different pressure than a Grand Final isn’t it?

GAJ: It sure is Sir.

G: You can call me God. Unlike your Dad, I don’t have a problem with it.

GAJ: (sheepish grin) I s’ pose you wouldn’t.

G: Tell me what you’re thoughts are.

GAJ: You mean you don’t know? (sheepish) Sorry, I’m a little nervous. Well, emotionally, leaving Geelong would really be like leaving home. They’ve nurtured me, and most of my mates play there. But the Gold Coast are offering so much money. It would set me up for life. And there’s my brother. It would be great if we could play together again. And I wouldn’t have to put up with Lingy.

G: The eternal dilemma. The heart or the head. You are the only one who can satisfactorily resolve this.

GAJ: I know, but what do you do when you face decisions like this?

G: I believe in a sense of perspective. With all the misery in the world, your problem could be worse. You could play for Collingwood.

GAJ: Geez, that’s harsh.

G: I’ve never looked fondly on the Pies. Couldn’t you tell?

GAJ: If that’s so, then what must you think of the Saints or the Tigers?

G: Hey, I’m only God. There’s a limit to what I can fix.

GAJ: So who do you barrack for?

G: Officially, I’m supposed to remain neutral. But if you must guess, you could presume I’m on the side of the Doggies.

GAJ: It hasn’t done them much good.

G: Thanks for reminding me. Again, there’s limits to what I can control. I may have created man, but it doesn’t mean I understand him. For example, who would barrack for Freo?

GAJ: Well, you’ve been pretty kind to the Cats of late.

G: You’d suffered enough. It’s bad enough you have to play in those hoops. Even I don’t look good in hoops. That, plus I’m partial to that young Selwood. He reminds me of my son. A bit like your Dad.

GAJ: I don’t think I’ll tell Dad that. I think it would freak him out… So you’re saying Joel should stay away from the woodwork?

G: That’s in poor taste.

GAJ: Sorry, no offence meant.

G: You should watch what you say to the Selwoods. You need to be careful about brothers. I learnt that from those blokes Cain and Abel.

GAJ: Hmm, mentioning them, it makes me think of Adam and Eve.

G: They say I work in mysterious ways.

GAJ: Beware temptation eh? Be careful what you wish for. This is all food for thought. And some of those Queenslanders can be pretty weird.

G: Then perhaps it’s best I leave you to your deliberations. I think my work is done.

GAJ: Before you go, just one last favour. it’s off the topic a bit… Could you show me how to hit a one iron?

(Sometime later, God is on the phone)

G: Bomber? Yeh, I think it went pretty well. Just remember, you owe me one. I warn you, I may have to call it in if the Doggies get to the Grand Final.

About John Butler

John Butler has fled the World's Most Liveable Car Park and now breathes the rarefied air of the Ballarat Plateau. For his sins, he has passed his 40th year as a Carlton member.


  1. Nice work!!! Very funny.

    If only Bomber COULD arrange a talk with God (the original, not the former player)…

    Still, Ablett’s reported humbleness and general goodness should see him choose Geelong.

    We hope.

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