First-World Conundrums. If you had to choose?

First-World Conundrums. If you had to choose?


With Collingwood’s season down the poop chute and the federal election nearing I’m finding that options are becoming somewhat threadbare. Do I go for an independent or the lesser of two evils? Would it really matter?


I’m a Labor man that finds Shorten laborious. I prefer Turnbull to Abbott, but it seems  intellectual giants such as Cory Bernadi and Barnaby Joyce have a squirrel grip on each one of Turnbull’s testicles.


Greens? I like trees as long as they don’t clog my gutters. My neighbours don’t have a problem because it’s not their gutters that are full of leaves, twigs and possum turds. They didn’t offer to pay for any of the repairs. Yeah, Greenies are good in theory, but would you ever really want to be next in line after they use the toilet?


The trivialities of daily life also offer a number of fist world conundrums that must be assessed. I admit I’m a privileged middle-aged white male (with some limited ethnic credibility) from rapidly-becoming-gentrified Preston. My problems are minuscule compared to the horrors of ISIS and Man-spreading on trains, and yet I must make a choice.


Please help me Almanackers. Your suggestions would make my life so much easier than it already is:


Travis Cloke or Tyrone Vickery?


Lindy Burns or Mark Fine?


Suits or Mad Men


Jane Bunn or Rebecca Judd?


Johnny Cash or Bob Dylan?


Cold Chisel or Weddings, Parties, Anything?


Mark Philippoussis or Nick Kyrgios?


Kitty Chiller or Dawn Fraser?


Mary Black or Barry White?


Pauline Hanson or Jacqui Lambie?


Karl, Kochie or Kennedy?


Sam, Lisa or Virginia?


Samantha Fox or Sabrina Salerno?


Patrick Dangerfield or Nat Fyfe?


Rita Panahi or Miranda Devine?


Patrick Smith or Caroline Wilson?


Francis Leach or Gerard Whateley?


Beyonce or Mariah?


The Rock or Stone Cold?


GWS or Gold Coast?


South Melbourne or Sydney Swans?


North Fitzroy or South Northcote?


The Smiths or The Cure?


Larry David or George Carlin?


Seinfeld or Curb?


Bernie or Hillary?


Trump or Satan?


The Godfather or Goodfellas?


April or September?


Bucks or Eddie?


Collingwood TV or Hitler documentaries?


About Phillip Dimitriadis

Carer/Teacher/Writer. Author of Fandemic: Travels in Footy Mythology. World view influenced by Johnny Cash, Krishnamurti, Larry David, Toni Morrison and Billy Picken.


  1. G’day Phil,

    It’s a nice stuff to read. Here I will answe some questions:

    Lindy Burbs or Mark Fine? : I have no idea the first, but I like Finey because he knows footy well and has passionate of sports. I also like his attitudes even if he has labelled my call to him prank.

    Jane Bunn or Rebecca Judd? : indeed Jane because she is a St Kilda supporter. By the way where is Livinia Nixon now? She’s better than Chris Judd’s wife.

    If I were in Australia, I would watch Today Show because Karl is funny.

    It’s hard to decide Dangerfield or Fyfe, but the Docker seems better for me.

    GWS or Gold Coast? : None. Establish a Tasmanian club!



  2. Dips O'Donnell says

    Jane Bunn – I’ve made the switch.

    Phil – never apologise for being white, middle aged and male. But you should apologise for following Collingwood.

  3. The People's Elbow says

    I am just going to quietly close my laptop and pretend that you didn’t even compare Suits to Mad Men

  4. G’day Dips,

    Good on you having switched to Jane. She is gorgeous, isn’t she?



  5. Jane Bunn is a standout, well in front of Rebecca Judd.


  6. Good one Phil, I feel as disillusioned as you without having Collingwood as my anchor. Any consolation I voted at last election for Pirate Party, I thought it sounded like a good concept for a party. Walk the plank if you cross the floor.
    Fortunately my team needs never worry about Cloke or Vickery, I feel Cloke is more frustrating for his talent.
    South Melbourne or Sydney Swans? I prefer bloods or Swannies. I rarely if ever shout c’mon Sydney.
    Godfather rules in classic film category
    I wish the Toorak trillionaire would disappear, is there a vaccination I could take where he no longer infects my thought process?
    Best thing about Seinfeld is there is no Larry David acting. His writing is funny but he is so annoying like Albert Brooks.

  7. I hope this is just Collingwood induced psychosis. If not its time to get to a meeting.
    Mary Black, Mad Men, Bob Dylan and the Godfather Trilogy are all-time greats. The rest are just ephemeral and largely unknown outside Melbourne.
    I’m voting for the Uncanny X Men party.
    Is Kitty Chiller your porn star name?.

  8. Tyrone
    Mad Men
    The Poo
    Jacquie (hate em both)
    Sabrina (by a street)
    Too close to call
    Sth melb
    North Fitz
    Can’t split em
    Aren’t they the same?
    Godfather (see sabrina, above)

  9. Luke Reynolds says

    Travis Cloke
    Lindy Burns (though I like Finey alot)
    Mad Men
    Jane Bunn
    Johnny Cash by a mile
    Gerard. Just.
    The Rock
    North Fitzroy
    The Cure
    Larry David
    Hitler at the moment

  10. Travis Cloke
    Mark Fine
    Mad Men
    Jane Bunn
    Johnny Cash or Bob Dylan? – no splitting these hairs!
    Cold Chisel
    Nick Kyrgios
    Kitty Chiller
    Barry White
    Pauline Hanson or Jacqui Lambie? – both stealing oxygen
    Samantha Fox or Sabrina Salerno? – both
    Nat Fyfe
    Rita Panahi or Miranda Devine? – the vacuum of the uniformed but opinionated
    Patrick Smith or Caroline Wilson? – Smith just but both dour creators of fictional tales
    Francis Leach or Gerard Whateley? – both
    The Rock
    South Melbourne
    North Fitzroy
    The Cure
    George Carlin
    The Godfather
    September – footy finals
    Hitler documentaries

  11. ‘Haven’t quite the cultural knowledge/credibility to keep with all these but I’ll have a crack at a few:

    Lindy Burns
    Bob Dylan
    Mary Black (met her backstage at RocKwiz!)
    Patrick Dangerfield (lovely family via Moggs Creek, my second home)
    Caroline Wilson
    South Northcote
    Who’s Sabrina Salerno? (Oh, just watched the video. Yikes.)

  12. Rick Kane says

    Travis Cloke or Tyrone Vickery – really, is that something anyone spends time thinking about
    Lindy Burns or Mark Fine – ditto
    Suits or Mad Men – sorry TPE, but Mad Men is a pretentious pile of piffle wrapped up in pseudo pop philosophy. The shallow end of the pool.
    Jane Bunn or Rebecca Judd – see first response
    Johnny Cash or Bob Dylan – finally, a serious conundrum. Dylan is a conundrum in himself. Cash set the secular scene with his prayer to truth: I Walk the Line then continually failed to do so.
    Cold Chisel or Weddings, Parties, Anything – CC by a mile.
    Mark Philippoussis or Nick Kyrgios – The Scud
    Kitty Chiller or Dawn Fraser – I don’t see the comparison so I’ll say Dawn (for her sporting achievements)
    Mary Black or Barry White – Barry White by a steamy mile
    Pauline Hanson or Jacqui Lambie – At least Jacqui has something resembling a plan. Not necessarily a plan I’d support but a plan.
    Karl, Kochie or Kennedy – see first response
    Sam, Lisa or Virginia – not sure what this refers to but if Virginia is Trioli then sign me up
    Samantha Fox or Sabrina Salerno – see first response
    Patrick Dangerfield or Nat Fyfe – very difficult but Fyfe by a bee’s tiny dancer
    Rita Panahi or Miranda Devine – where rank meets despicable
    Patrick Smith or Caroline Wilson – huge fan of Caroline Wilson, one of the more courageous sports writers going around. That’s she barracks for the Tiges is her Achilles heel
    Francis Leach or Gerard Whateley – can I say both
    Beyonce or Mariah – how dare you even put Mariah up against Queen Bee. Her latest album is one of the best records in recent years and her previous record was almost as good. If you’re worried about today’s music have no fear, artists like Beyoncé are keeping the dream alive!
    The Rock or Stone Cold – The Rock
    GWS or Gold Coast? – GWS thrashed the best team of the last 3 years which is why I hate them and why, begrudgingly I’ll tips me hat to them.
    South Melbourne or Sydney Swans – Swans, they have had 5 different styles of teams since the early 80s and each style has had a different appeal
    North Fitzroy or South Northcote – if I say North Fitzroy I can then call Preston North North Fitzroy
    The Smiths or The Cure – The Cure were a really good to great pop band and The Smiths were led by a wanker
    Larry David or George Carlin – George
    Seinfeld or Curb – very difficult but Curb because we don’t have to put up with Seinfeld’s excruciating excuse for what is otherwise called acting
    Bernie or Hillary – Hillary because she will beat Trump and I don’t think Bernie has the know how to follow up on his very generalised proclamations
    Trump or Satan – there’s no such thing as Satan and man how I wish there was no such thing as Trump … search out the story of when The Stones played his casino back in the late 80s. That’s all you need to know about Trump. And The Stones.
    The Godfather or Goodfellas – good conundrum, really good. Wafer thin but The Godfather, because Brando gives a tour de force acting class
    April or September – spring, spring, spring … has been good to us the last few years!
    Bucks or Eddie – Fuck off! I don’t care. Which means I have a pulse and a life and poetry.
    Collingwood TV or Hitler documentaries – one is enduringly fascinating and we know how it ends, the other concerns a little man with a pumped up opinion of himself and world domination. Sorry, what was the question?

    Now back to Sudoku

  13. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Thanks for the responses, all. Just having a bit of fun after my “Collingwood induced psychosis” as PB aptly put it, peaked on Monday morning and turned to looking for some solace in inanity.

    Yoshi – Lindy is great especially on Thursday night when she hosts the ‘Legends Bar’ which sometimes features fellow Almanacker and ‘Suits’ snob Craig ‘The People’s Elbow’ Little’. Here is a link if you’d like to listen:
    Is Jane Bunn the personification of the type of ‘Western Woman’ you are looking to fall in love with?

    Dips – I switched a while ago. Only problem is I forget about the weather when I watch JB. After Sunday’s abysmal effort Collingwood should be the ones apologising to their fans. Where were their 60K Members against Port?

    Elbow – Suits has won me because it is through the dialogue that characters grow and learn about their flaws, strengths. Characters like Jessica Pearson and Louis Litt counterbalance the fragile machismo of Mike and Harvey. And Donna is the oracle with her own blind spots. I love Mad Men too, but apart from Peggy Olsen everyone else just keeps spiraling into their circle of hell, over and over. In many ways Mad Men documents the decline of the Western white male and Draper knows this deep in side, but continues to play the game anyway as evidenced by the Coca Cola epiphany during his final meditation.

    Glen! Standout indeed. My wife knows not to disturb me between 6.55-7.00pm weeknights.

    PB, ‘Psychosis’ peaked on Sunday night. There is nothing Melbourne about GWS, Gold Coast or Donald Trump! Is there a ‘Pseudo Echo Party’ ? The porn star name comes from your first pet and the first street you lived in. In my case that would be Sylvester Turner. What would yours be?

    DaveP – Larry can be annoying, but Curb tackles stuff that Seinfeld could never touch and somehow makes it funny without really offending. That takes a brilliant mind. Support characters like Susie, Jeff, Funkhouser, Lewis and Leon are very underrated compared to Seinfeld support cast.

    Sean – Thank you for playing. Sabrina by a street, indeed.

    Luke – Yes Johnny Cash by a mile. Finally someone sees the truth!! And yes, Adolf is getting a decent airing at the moment. Helps put my Collingwood misery into perspective.

    General – Good point about Patrick and Caro. Who appointed them as the moral guardians of the game?

    Vin – Mary Black is a beauty. What a voice! Glad Sabrina gave your pop culture knowledge a bit of a push.

    Rick/Slim – Great response. I would have thought that the existence of Trump is also proof of the existence of Satan. Didn’t you know that the horns hide under the hair?

  14. Jane Bunn.

  15. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    I know Smokie. What’s not to like?

  16. Andrew Starkie says

    Jane Bunn is a ‘figure’ of worship amongst my Wbool mates and I. Obvious reasons. She cut her teeth at WIN TV ballarat which broadcasts to the Bool. She’s great for wet, Wintery nights. BUT, vanessa O’Hanlon on ABC morning TV is the Queen of weather forecasting. One look and you will be convinced. I start my day with VOH everyday.

  17. As a resident of North Fitzroy, I believe the South and North in South Northcote cancel each other out and I refer to the area as simply, ‘Cote’.

  18. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Starkers, VOH has done fine work since coming down from the chopper. She talks a bit too fast for early morning and doesn’t quite have the lunge and pause for effect that JB does. Also JB is a qualified meteorologist. Complete package.

    Gigs, I thought you lived in Clifton Hill or is that North Collingwood?

    Help the South Australian try-hards stealing my ideas on another post. Have they ever done anything original?

  19. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Hey Phil, is that short for Philistine?

    Re originality fella,

  20. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Swish, I wrote one piece for the Almanac in 2014 and stayed away from the pages for much of that year. Gap Year. I would have commented on your post, otherwise. Therefore, since I wasn’t even aware of the thread how could I have plagiarised?
    Keats and Yeats ….you know the rest.

  21. Luke Reynolds says

    We need to get J.Bunn in for an Almanac lunch. Would triple the crowd.

  22. Porn Star Name: Shandy Fawnbrake. No reasonable offer refused.

  23. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    PB, was Shandy a Dog? Cat? Gerbil? The answer could make all the difference lol. Great porn name. That made laugh.

    Luke – Surely you are referring to Jane’s meteorological prowess? I know I was.

  24. Phil,

    Jane is a lovely woman and I would date a lady like her.

    By the way who do you choose:
    Andy from Pakenham or Mario from Doncaster?



  25. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Phil, all good, just giving the chip on my shoulder a run.

    As you pointed out elsewhere, I wasn’t the first and certainly won’t be the last.

    I think we’ve hit on a joint business opportunity – this works at so many levels, Clinton v Bush, Frog Cakes v Custard Tarts.

    Maybe we could licence this to the AFL, e.g Collingwood: Tranquilli or Raso? Richmond: Lounder or Fiora?

    We could tour the country with this a la Jacko and Chopper.

    You know it makes sense.

    Keep ’em comin’

  26. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Andy from Pakenham is always good value for a laugh, but Ray from Werribee is my favourite, especially after Richmond lose and he has clearly had a bit too much to drink!
    Finey or Viney?

    All good Swish. Who would be Jacko and who would be Chopper? Maybe we need Warwick Capper to help ‘keep it real’.

  27. Stone Cold Steve Baker says

    Sorry for the delay Phil.

    The West Wing
    Vanessa O’Hanlon by the length of the Flemington Straight
    The Pou
    Barry White
    Kennedy – the others aren’t fit to wash his [bed sheets]
    La Trioli
    Samantha Fox
    The rough end of a pineapple
    Because STONE COLD says so!
    South Melbourne Dim Sims
    North Fitzroy
    The Cure
    Larry David
    Satan – at least he’s consistent.
    The Godfather
    These are one and the same, yes?

  28. After yesterday’s latest instalment of the fall of the Collingwood empire I needed some levity. Thankyou Phil!

    Travis Cloke or Tyrone Vickery? Cloke has a few more runs on the board
    Jane Bunn in any weather, every day of the week
    Chisels bat far too deep for WPA
    The Poo, as opposed the little shit
    Kitty Chiller or Dawn Fraser? Was Arthur Tunstall Kitty’s grandpa?
    Pauline Hanson or Jacqui Lambie? Good grief.
    Samantha Fox or Sabrina Salerno? Both, on mute. Amazing, disturbing Youtube find.
    Patrick Dangerfield or Nat Fyfe? Fyfe, when able bodied.
    Rita Panahi or Miranda Devine? c) glass of cold vomit
    Pains me but Patrick Smith
    Francis Leach
    Beyonce over Mariah
    GWS or Gold Coast? Neither, both are merely commercial constructs
    North Fitzroy or South Northcote? South South Reservoir
    The Smiths by weight of songs & Johnny Marr
    Satan – easiest proposition of the lot
    The Godfather Pts 1 & 2
    April – Autumn is Melbourne’s best season
    Bucks or Eddie? Both have overstayed their welcome
    Hitler docos atm

  29. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Cheers Stone Cold and JD. Interesting that one went for Vickery the other for Cloke. Not exactly a meeting of great minds is it?
    Bit disturbing that most chose Hitler docos over CTV.
    Oh well at least there’s The Smiths (Sans Patrick of course)

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