Dave Warner’s 2013 Season


March Two thousand and thirteen, eighteen teams, one dream.

The Giants will finish last says the vast majority,

Demons a sorority,

tough year Dogs, ditto Saints, ditto Port,

everybody ticks a box beside Swans and Hawks.

Lionised Lyons’ Dockers tough to beat with a full pre-season,

Buckley v Malthouse the sub-plot whiff of treason

Geelong to ebb, stands to reason,

Tigers, North, Bombers a smidgeon ahead of Brisbane, concern over MCG pigeons,

Suns young guns to run out of puff the usual column fill stuff

then in a moment of self-aggrandisement Brendan Sanderson says I’m the man to land us one,

nobody believes, really, you have to ask exactly what object his hand is on.


Before you’ve had time for a slash, a smell foul, rank, fingers pointed at septic Dank,

sceptics detect a conspiracy plot of astronomical proportion to make the Bombers barely gestated season an abortion,

dishwater bureaucrats from obscure government agencies instant celebrities and the how fuck is anybody gonna beat the Eagles?


But somehow Port do and at Alberton they’re rocking in the Koch-pit while at Hill Windy there’s more smoke in the cock-pit,

Cats the surprise packet, whatever a footy club needs Melbourne lack it, they’re already looking to two thousand and twenty and priority picks a plenty, a whole season of tanking, or Danking or Banking if you’re Buddy the ten million dollar man Sheedy’s hoping to land,


Eddie suggests Goodsey’s the perfect gimmick to promote King Kong, I was waiting for the banjo, blackface and sing-along, a little Mac Sennet and

the Hawks still can’t break curse Kennet,

Goodes season turns bad, bad turns to worse for the Grand old Flag, Josh Kennedy’s got the Fred Flinstone shuffle going and I told you here come the Eagles.


Port are hanging on, Demetriou’s banging on, Malthouse boys shithouse, Giants exalt Jeremy Cameron,

Ablett should win the Brownlow, new rules confusing as tacklers  slide downlow,

fidgety boards find an axe to wield on Voss and Neeld, word that Hird’s fate’s sealed,

and then Bang

it’s a Bomberless finals and Carlton stumble in while there’s all this Roos-Demons rumbling and Woosha’s job prospects go tumbling.


Mad Monday’s pretty quiet, Saints set a dwarf alight but as the Clash sang that’s entertainment and let’s face it you gotta do something while waiting for Stevie Milne’s arraignment.

Finals week one, Tigers undone,

Dockers sent to Kardinia might as well be Sardinia

but when the final siren blows the sardines on toast are in blue and white hose and Eddy, we didn’t even have to move Wallabies v Argentinia because Port was far too good aginya.

Blues overestimated routed by swans decimated, valiant Port fall short.

Hawks overcome the curse, Swans have rarely played worse or Dockers better so here we are one schooner out of the gutter,

Two clubs left standing, who gives a stuff about AFL branding,

this time tomorrow there’ll be a new premier and then it’s November

new season’s on again and I can’t wait to see if the AFl schedules the grand final replay for  Launceston.  And can anybody tell me what the fuck did happen to the Eagles?

About dave warner

East Freo supporter, musician, writer who has used football themes in songs (Half Time at the Football, Suburban Boy, Free Kicks) and books (City of Light, Footy's Hall of Shame)


  1. GOLD

  2. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    The pedant in me can’t help but point out that whilst The Clash said that “London’s Burning” it was The Jam that said “That’s Entertainment”, and The Eagles reformed, despite hell not freezing over.

  3. DW – Who cares what happened to the Eages.

  4. Malcolm Ashwwood says

    V Clever Well Played Dave certainly a tad 2 Smart 4 D Warner !

  5. Wonderful stuff Mr Warner. So many clever lines and rhymes. I didn’t even mind the Eagles digs. Somehow I am at peace with the world.
    I struggled to get the pace and meter of the piece. Would love to have heard it live.
    Perhaps someone taped it???
    Anyone got Mark Hawthorne’s contact details???

  6. Stephen Cooke says

    Peter B, it does lose a lot when not read by Dave (and that’s saying something). A Footy Almanac podcast perhaps?

  7. This was great! Wish I could have been there for the lunch to hear it read live. Sam many positive tweets and what a great day was had.

    Footy Almanac Podcast is a great idea!

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