Apologies in Advance

In a misguided gesture of good will, last week I decided to volunteer to fill in a place on the school swim team for an upcoming inter school competition. This was promoted by the desperation on the face of the girl attempting to recruit Year 12s from our homeroom and the rude shock I received when filling out an application form to tutor in London in my gap year. I was only able to write Year 9 choir (nb: was forced by best friend and mimed – please don’t ask me to sing in any capacity as I am tone deaf) as an extra-curricular activity. After a brief moment of inflated self worth, I was filled with the kind of horror only previously experienced when an overenthusiastic sports captain had signed me on for the 1500m run at my first high school Aths carnival (I came second last; one girl fainted).
The reasons for my panic were and are as follows: a) Me and my tennis coach spend our weekly sessions chatting about our respective love lives b) For the past year I have utilized P.E classes as an opportunity to nap in the health centre c) My rather large head, already comically oversized compared with my skinny body, is not complimented by the wearing of a swim cap d) I am an unathletic smoker with tendencies to avoid physical strain beyond a finger work out achieved by texting at any cost.
Being unskilled at confrontation beyond telling the family spoodle to piss off when it pantingly leaps on me whensoever I venture outside for a fag, I was at a loss for what to do. Seeking parental advice, I mistakenly brought up the issue with my father. Subsequent to what I felt was an amount of leg slapping laughter disproportionate to the situation at hand, he proceeded to dispense much useless advice. Post establishing that I was, in fact, aware that I would not be able to complete 50m freestyle with a diet beverage in one hand and a Winnie Blue in the other,   John noted that with my recent decision to participate in the second school swim carnival of my illustrious sporting career, GSV might be overdoing it. I left the room after he commented that the ‘funny leg thing’ that occurs when I attempt to swim, whilst perhaps being temporarily distracting to other swimmers, would probably not aid me in competition. TF!
Thus it is with a sense of foreboding I must challenge my natural instincts to be a sports watcher, not participator, and swim for a certain Kew based college on Tuesday 22 March. Apologies in advance to students and staff for the shame I will bring a fine institution.


  1. John Butler says

    Just remember, when it comes to volunteering, generally no good deed goes unpunished.

    Good luck Julz.

  2. Disturbed to think you are smoking winnie blues, crap darts not woth smoking, if you are serious about image give Gitanes a try. The first drag is like being tasered but you get used to that.

  3. JB – Thank you for the well wishes
    Mulcaster -?? Critique noted but I think you kind of missed the point..

    Also I have only just noticed the near non-existent spacing on this and am super annoyed. Stupid technology

  4. Good insight into your school life Julia, same happens at my school, they don’t ask if you want to swim, they make you.

    Hope you’re doing well.

  5. Steve Healy says

    Great UNIQUE piece Julia, I say just get in the water and see what happens. If you’re gonna bring shame to a fine institution then have some fun with it!

  6. Ahh the good old days of skipping PE- I cant even remember how many times i ‘forgot my uniform’ or had a ‘chest infection’ and all that other stuff id come up with. lol

  7. Thanks guys. Haha Danielle I stopped giving excuses about two years ago, now I just don’t turn up :/

  8. dont lie julz, your a great singer with future career prospects on broadway

  9. oh pretty baby you are too flattering but i love you lots and always!

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