Almanac Music: Let’s straighten up this crap music discussion on namby-pamby derivative bull sh!t tunes

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Dead set, this motley collection of Sand Gropers, Barracouta’s, Cabbage Patchers, Crow Eaters, Top-Enders, and Roundabout-abouters have a bloody sad and sheltered life don’t they? I mean, just take a look at the endless collection of crap music the bastards listen to. I wish Harms hadn’t started the whole damn ‘tell us your favourite songs’ routine, particularly given that those in the know are aware that behind his fraudulent facade of being as cool as the Fonz, he’s really a bloke who sings along to A-HA’s ‘Take on Me’ in the shower and does Milli Vanilla impersonations in front of the mirror while he’s drying his much slapped Geelong Cat of an ass.

I mean really, is it any wonder that, like his Dad before him, young Gaz made the trek north to the promised land? It wasn’t the million bucks a season and the certainty of a flag in 2015. Neither was it the sun, sand and surf; or the fittest fillies in the land. No – he just wanted to stop the music blasting out from the boom boxes of Harms and his merry men of the AFL Village People. The blokes who, because they don’t live in Queensland, have nothing to do during summer except dress like clown and pretend they’re from Mexico, acting the fool at the cricket, live on National TV, while the children of God sun our extremely hot bodies and taut derrieres at Kings Beach, Caloundra, before sucking down a few schooners at Alfie’s pub up the road.

Now there’s no need for a banana-bender to enter into a contest he can’t lose – cobalt or no cobalt, and has anyone noticed there are no home-based Queensland trainers being hauled before the judiciary – buy my goodness gracious me, the poor chooks can’t be left dependent on their daily feed from peasants without taste, can they.

So put down your glasses, hang up the phone, and shut the gate before the horse bolts. Have we got a musical treat for you – 8 big hits in a row courtesy of Queensland.

It’s Archie first, and daylight second.

And don’t you worry about that.

Number Eight

We sang this song at the Werribee TAB in 2001, in Kyneton in 2002, and in Camperdown in 2003, the year the caravan broke down in the ass end of nowhere (Victoria) and, like Mary and Joseph at the time of the census, the Missus and me had to take shelter, and watch the three-peat in some fly-ridden hovel in a gin joint at the end of the world.

We belted it out again every year between 2006 and 2013, at the Cauldron and in Cockroach Stadium, and a few times in between when we copped free tickets to the Roar or the Firebirds – Laura Geitz, ooh la, la – although last year some d*ckhead of a ref knocked the lead out so we sang the Sound of Silence instead.

You’ll hear us roaring it out again this year in June, then again in September. Dum, Dum, Dum ……

 

Number Seven

Up here in the north we don’t pretend that we’re cool by pretending to be punks from the Liverpool docks. And we don’t need to slick back the hair and don the stovepipe Levi’s to pull the birds.

A bottle of OP Bundy and a bit of Richard Clayderman do the trick every time.

 

Number Six

We got wise to the joke after Andy came to the Goldy to drive a speed car, then got as full as boot after he crashed into the barricades on the first lap, and told our mate Barry a few little stories about George. They reckon the full forwards from Geelong still haven’t caught on.

 

Number Five

A world-wide smash hit. Featuring Alfie, Kevvie and the Prune.

Say no more.

 

Number Four

Young Kim’s classic ode to the greatest city on earth.

Stands alone as the greatest State anthem ever. Probably the only one.

 

Number Three

We all know that Steve Irwin was in his prime one of Queensland’s finest. Bindi’s been in training with King Wally and is set to soon take up her old man’s prematurely departed throne.

 

Number Two

There’s no bullshit show-us-your-father’s here. Forget your trendies and your punks. We know what’s what, and when we’re being sold a raw prawn, but we’ll still stand and die for our mates. It’s why we won eight in a row.

 

Number One

Hemingway was long regarded as the bloke who stripped away the crap and let basic words tell the story.

And then Billy Moore came along and forever altered the spoken word.

 

 

About Archie Butterfly

Archie's decided to follow the dream and try become the next great Aussie bush poet. They all think he's mad. He's out to prove them right!

Comments

  1. Muz from Queensland says

    One for your list – The Brisbane Bears theme song

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y1WdBXYTnY

    “What do we say when we run out to play, dare to beat the bear
    What do we say when they run our way, dare to beat the bear
    We’re Hot (we’re hot), We’re Mean (we’re mean), We’re strong (we’re strong), we’re a team.
    We’re the very best team you’ve ever seen, we’re the Brisbane Bears.

    Our home is mighty Brisbane (but we play at the Gold Coast), and we’re playing for our state…the bear will growl across the land, our victories will be great …

  2. Brilliant Archie.
    I guess modesty prevented you including “Sugar, Sugar” your personal tribute to the Queensland cane industry.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9nE2spOw_o

  3. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Love the Archies PB. Give me hope Sabrina!!
    Archie + Wham Rap = RESPECT

  4. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Pretty good top eight to keep out The Saints, The Go Betweens or even The Riptides

  5. No.

    Just… no.

  6. Joh for PM.

  7. That striped sunlight sound…

  8. Forget The Saints, The Go Betweens and The Riptides, surely Mr Archie, as a true Qlder you had room for Brisvegas’ most explosive band, HITS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9gw2imFBk4)!

    They are a truly great Aussie rockin band. They were recommended to me by Qld Almanacer, Andrew Stafford, he of one of rock’s best books, Pig City.

    And apropos of another story currently running on this site, I saw HITS at a bar in Brisvegas’ West End supporting The New York Dolls. HITS knocked ém outa the park.

    Cheers

  9. Archie – Do The Monitors (Singin’ in the 80’s/Nobody told me) count – Kim Durant performed back-up vocals?

    Moscos & Stone?

    MCR

  10. Mark 'Swish' Schwerdt says

    Thanks Rick, went on a Youtube journey via HITS.

    Pig City filled me in on what Brisbane was like under Joh in the 70s and a whole lot more, yep, highly recommended to all Mexicans like me.

  11. Patrick O'Brien says

    In 1992 I saw a band in New Farm called House Arrest. They started off with the drummer putting a mic close to his mouth and in his most ominous voice warning: Ladies and gentlemen, you are now under house arrest.

    It went downhill from there.

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