Almanac Footy: Like-A-Looks 11

Like-A-Looks II

Steel Sidebottom looks like if Joe Rogan had a Mini Me. Even though they are about the same height. Darcy Moore looks like he belongs in a super cheap 70s movie. The Pool Man, Log Jammin’, The Postman Always Comes Twice. If you catch my drift. Josh Daicos looks like the Mona Lisa. Something painted by one of the masters. Sublime! You even TOUCH it, and you get kicked out of the building! Brayden Maynard looks like that gangers standing behind that mobster in all the old mob movies. If I had to pick one, a young; Chazz Palminteri. Jorden De Goey looks like Jason Stathem with a hair transplant. Danial McStay and Darcy Cameron look generic. Beau McCreedy looks like, I dunno, a great white shark crossed with a bull terrier. “Beau get ball.” “Beau hit hard.” “Beau do good.”

Harrison Petty, from Melbourne looks just like the actor Michael Fassbender. It’s uncanny. I keep expecting him to rise like Magneto. Salem looks like that cool cat you sort of know and are secretly jealous of. Tom McDonald looks EXACTLY like Herbie Perkins. Not a lot of you will know Herbie, but it’s worth putting in here, because those that do will be blown away. A good bush footy half-back, Herb. Rivers looks like he needs a good feed. Clayton Oliver looks like that super cute kid you knew who grew up to be not so cute. Jake Lever simply looks like a coatrack for his moustache. As if it had an afterthought. Kade Chandler looks like somebody put Superman’s jaw on a kid. Koltyn Tholstrup looks like David Hasselhoff’s stunt wig is humping his skull. Sorry, I like him, but I’ve forgotten what Ben Brown looks like.

Jack Viney looks like a Trojan warrior’s helmet.

Liam Baker looks like he’s always enjoying himself. I suspect if you searched ‘Ratbag’ in the dictionary, his name would come up. Tim Torento looks like Zac Braff from Scrubs bulked up. Someone once said Ray Romano’s nephew. I can see that, too. Or, at least one of the Wanderers from the movie of the same name. Jayden Short looks like a WW1 digger. Ralphsmith looks like that goofy, likeable teenaged apprentice panel-beater every suburban team has. He runs like Brian Wood, but is not yet Brian Wood. Ben Miller looks like somebody taught Lurch from the Adam’s family how to play football. Mykelti Lefau looks like Ben Harper when he was young. A lot! Noah Cumberland looks like he’s 98% energy, 2% football brain. Shai Bolton looks like Gregory Hynes. I know that will date me, but such is life. Both of them were amazing with their feet!

It’s not Daniel Rioli’s fault the Tigers have fallen. He looks All-Australian as far as I’m concerned, but nobody listens to me.

Joe Daniher IS the Nick Cave of footy. (Just look up Dig Lazarus, Dig, see if I’m wrong.) As much for the swagger, as looks.

Blicavs is Gary Busey. Sort of.

Charlie Curnow doesn’t do weights. He just carries the team on his shoulders. There has to be a better game plan than lobbing bombs on his triple-teamed head. He looks frustrated. I adore the way he throws himself at the ball, but, yeah, it bothers me a little the way he strikes a flex after every major.

Matt Rowell looks like somebody painted a tank ginger. Love watching him play footy. Jarrad Witts and David Swallow look like tall-generic and mid-generic. Ben King looks like Inigo Montoya, the swordsman from Princes Bride, was stretched out on the torture rack. With or without the face hair. “You killed my father… now prepare to die!”

Inconceivable!

He also looks like the keyboard player from the Stars. Number One Song in Heaven! Look it up if you like disco. His borther, too, I guess.

Oscar Faulkhead has an unfortunate name.

Charlie Dixon looks like the Devil on a motorbike from Raising Arizona. Ollie Wynd looks like one of those bobble heads you put on your car dash. A bit oversized. I’m sure he’s a lovely fellow. Travis Boak stole Paul Newman’s eyes. From the Cool Hand Luck faze mostly. Zac Butters looks like a Brownlow. Tough, fast, yappy as all hell, and the most creative user of the ball in the AFL. I have zero idea about his background, but he looks working class. Darcy Bryne-Jones looks like that excitable, goofy kid from a Steven King film. Not the star, the entertaining sidekick. Love the kid! Quinton Narkle looks like a game show host.

Jack Higgins looks like that kid who got picked on, started doing weights and got good at something. He still seems to have that kid thing about him, which is great. Butler looks like the 80s. Zac Smith looks like he’s trying that bit too hard, but played the game of his life on the weekend. Every turning point, he was pivotal. He can walk around with that peacock strut all summer. Tim Membrey looks like Jake Stringer. And visa versa, I guess. Those whacky inky lads, I wonder how many of them are tough?

Players with heads too small for their bodies include Nat Fyffe, the De Koning brothers, Nathan Broad, Jasper Scaife, Tim English.

Fremantle’s Darcy looks like he’s from the 80s. That big bloke in the background of a John Hughes movie, or Springsteen clip. Maybe one of the crowd in the Blues Brothers Rawhide scene.

Harry Sheezel looks like his dad, Dean Sheezel. We were teammates a lifetime ago. Dean would slick his hair back and look like Gordon Gecko. Cameron Zurhaar looks like a young Ron Perlman. For those not old enough to remember, just watch Sons of Anarchy and squint. Tristan Xerri looks far tougher than his name. If I had to say he looked like someone, it would be the 1940s.

The Giants look like they have the best kit in the AFL. Home strip, away strip, simple and bold. They never get it wrong. The team can look like whatever they want.

Josh Daicos looks nothing like his dad… until he dodges and weaves. All that torso! If you squint, you’d swear you were watching Footy Flashbacks. Nick Daicos looks like Franko Cotso.

Jack Ginnivan looks like Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island. I want to like him, badly. Footy needs its ratbags. But the body language he gives off every time a kick doesn’t hit him lace-out is horrendous! Richo got crucified for that shit. Luke Breust looks like an accountant, plays like a dream! Josh Weddel is a BEAST! Throw him from a plane and he’d land running. Put him in the Olympic 400 metres! He looks like somebody rearranged Bailey Dale’s hair and loosened him up a bit.

Bailey Dale looks like Josh Weddel’s quirky older brother. Or Charlie Chaplin. I’m not sure which. Ryhlee West looks like Toby Green at ¼ mast. The Mini Me version, even though they’re about the same height. Marcus Bontempelli looks like Atlas. He has the Nose, and the shoulders, carrying a team like that. He is everything you would want from a modern footballer, and as a neighbour. The! Duck’s! Guts! Give him a Bronwlow. Don’t even bother with the count. Tom Libratore looks like someone I’d give my eye-tooth to have a drink with. Naughton STILL looks like Stevie Windwood. Rory Lobb IS Karl Langdon. Ed Richards looks like Gary Rohan, but likeable. I hope he’s okay with that. Jamarra Ugle-Hagan looks like the future. Exciting or what!?

Lewis Melican’s hair looks like John Travolta. Dane Rampy looks like a café late. (I adore him for it!) Chad Warner looks like a fucking BULLET! Isaac Heeny looks DERTERMINED! Did you see the two of them versus the Pies? They turned the entire Swans season around, both of them, through sheer force of personality in the last. They WILLED the team over the line. You can’t buy that shit! Aaron Francis looks nice. He is what I imagine Wilson from Home Improvement looked like. Nick Blakey looks like Goose from Top Gun. “I feel the need… for speed!” Indeed.

Lloyd Meek has the best and worst name in the AFL.

There are others. Maybe I’ll do a Pt 2 down the line. It’s getting late.

 

 

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