Almanac Footy: Gloves off!

 

Gloves Off

 

As my stand-up comedy character used to say; passion is a two-edged sword; “For life, there is death. For ying there is yang. Hurt, joy. Sperm, ovaries. Cagney, Lacy. Simon and Simon. For love… there’s hate.”

 

Then, he’d go off on a big rant about a topic he loved. Which was usually hating something.

 

I try to be positive with my column, so let’s get the negatives out of the way in one piece.

 

I HATE the Brownlow! Midfielders can kiss my dick!

 

I HATE stats. They have totally ruined all instinct for the game. In votes, appreciation, in everything.

 

I am SICK TO DEATH of know-absolutely-nothings acting like they know everything, some making a living, from simply quoting player stats, as if that’s their argument. Or backing up their statement with stats. FUCK stats. Have I said that already?

 

Phew. Felt good.

 

Okay, I’ll bring it down a little to more of a peeve, briefly.

 

Interstate conspiracy nuts. Every free kick is Vic bias, if you ask them. EVERY! Every bit of history, every comment. Vic bias. Every plan for the future. It’s tiring. Get over yourselves. I’m from Vic, our kid was born in Tassie, where I most loved my footy, I’ve played at the Top End. It’s all football.
The AFL and the like WANT the game to succeed nationally. They are a business. Stop sooking.

 

While we’re interstate, can those from Qld and NSW put a cork in being so annoyed/dismissive of people saying the GF is Fitz v South. It’s harmless nostalgia. A novelty. To indignantly say they are not those clubs any more is to be small. And show no imagination. And, frankly, to their supporters, is insulting. Without them neither Sydney or Brisbane would have any success, if even existing. Freo, Port, Gold Coast and Giants tried to do it without butchering another club. They’ve won one flag between them. Yes, the Eagles and Crows did it, but they are from footy mad states. Without the combined history, supporters and good will of Fitzroy and South Melbourne, you’d be nothing. Both of your clubs are powerhouses! The envy of a nation. What you’ve built is incredible! If you showed a little grace it would be lovely.

 

Righto! Back to pet hates!
The way there’s a whole generation of people who don’t know, and can’t accept when it’s pointed out to them, that the game is not called AFL. That’s a BRAND! A LEAGUE! Is AUSSIE RULES! Now and forever.

 

Even when you ask them what the L in AFL stands for, total denial. They have been indoctrinated since birth to worship the BRAND! It’s all about the BRAND! Whatever the authorities tell them.

 

I HATE the way the AFL brand everything! AFL Cairns, AFL Tasmania, AFL Auskick. I don’t play AFL. Never have, never will. I ADORE it, but my brand of footy is better.

 

I HATE the haters. The internet has ruined footy. Those that are happy don’t comment that much. Nothing to say, roll on. The HATERS have nothing better to do. The internet warriors are almost always HATERS.

 

And it’s not just loud hate. Often, they are simply petty people. Bringing their pettiness to the game. Tom Stewart laid a wonderful BUMP on a Lion last week. Got a free against him. The umpire gave two different reasons. Neither of which made sense.  None. They simply don’t want any form of aggression out there. “If it looks bad” is no reason to pay a free, decide a game, a premiership push. It’s SHIT!

 

And, OH, the comments that followed!! So many people righteously complaining it was the right call because Tom “didn’t have eyes for the ball.” SO many. These sheep, these followers. These Ned Flanders /want-to-bes. They said it was “needless” and “Not practical” and “he should have tackled.”
These wet blanket drips.
Always. Every round they find something, someone, to crucify. Without knowing the rules, without knowing the spirit of the game. It’s essence. A contact sport, played with intense passion.
Every week another player gets hung out to dry. By their bitterness. And always will. The goalposts for these people keep shifting until we’re all simply standing in a paddock, too scared to move, wondering where all the life went out of the game we’re playing.

 

Hinkley/Ginnie was PRIME example. A bit of banter, humour. Colour? CAN’T have it! Immature, they said. SO IS GROWN MEN AND WOMEN CHASING A PIECE OF BLOATED LEATHER! So is dedicating your life to watching other people play sport. Get over it. Enjoy being immature. Barrack, feel. Let drongos be drongos. Let grown men show they have both a sense of humour and passion.

 

Fuck the petty sideways!

 

If only because they are the ones the ALF listen to. They are the ones who cause headlines. Create a hunger for them. Rule changes.

 

I GODDAMN LOATHE the poor umpires these days. They are coached to make it all about them. There are too many of them. They have ear pieces with people screaming to them every second of every game. They have goddamn idiot commentators breaking every split second call down in slow motion. They have lawyers to think of, AFL PR men. The Ned Flanders brigade. The press.

 

All for every decision.

 

They, too, have lost every bit of feel for the game. Clearly think they are more important than it, it’s most vital ingredient. They have lost football’s spirit.

 

Not all of them, obviously. There are some dead set rippers. But with so many out there, it only takes one or two to ruin things.

 

It breaks my heart to see player after player playing unnaturally. Pulling out of contests, avoiding collisions, not taking split second decisions. Moving, in packs, robotically, as if ticking off lists before deciding on actions. All these rule changes often make them look stiff and awkward.

 

This over umpiring has had a domino effect. Players are now playing to it. Diving for frees, throwing their heads back, posing. Being very un-Aussie, in my opinion. Cop it and move on. It’s horrible. And spreading.

 

I HAAATTEEE the way forwards are allowed to push defenders in the back DRIVES ME CRAZY!! It’s not in THE RULES!!! It’s a PR decision! It’s NOT FAIR! It’s WRONG! I spent most of 700 games as a defender. If the forwards aren’t good enough, or the defenders too good these days, screw the forwards.

 

Yet, if a backman even TOUCHES a forward’s back… free. Every day, every time. It’s football apartheid. It’s unethical. Insulting. GET RID OF IT!

 

All that grappling in the ruck is driving me nuts. Those without much leap or talent will simply go the octopus. (no names mentioned, Grundy). Ump, pay a free or two. Sort it early.

 

Show some nuance.

 

Body, yes. Vital. Early leap, all the tricks, yes, yes, yes. Arms; Keep them OFF each other. A SHOVE in the ruck is a free. Every day, every year, every contest. It’s called a SEPARATE MOTION! A tug of the non-tapping hand, a free. An octopus grip, free. Pay them. Let’s get back to rucking.

 

TV commentary? Sorry, don’t even listen. Too many forwards. A few mids. No backmen. Only one ruckman, and he’s a dickhead. Played as a ruck rover, anyway. They tell you what to think, via the AFL system, its PR men, not much more. Think for yourselves, is my advice. Always.

 

The Wiz from the Hawks is a hell of a player. So is Ginnie. Love them both, their strong personalities. The way they rile people, get them feeling. The way they don’t compromise who they are. But I HATE the way the Wiz celebrates his goals. Striking a wanker, look-at-me pose, first instinct, the crowd, the cameras, then his teammates. Milne was the previous generation’s version of this. All about the cameras.

 

I loved the way Stroppy Jack celebrated his goals for the Tigers. Huge smile, fists pumping and straight over to whoever delivered it to him. A hug, or a point it they were too far away. Every time. Every. What a great teammate!

 

Joe Daniher does a too cool Nick Cave thing, full of personality. Charlie Cameron puts on a bit of a show, but it’s entertaining, and he always gets to his teammates. But this WWE posing to the crowd for EVERY goal is pure vanity.

 

Lastly, I HATE the post Grand Final interviews. Everybody saying the right things. The clichés. It’s been two decades since Fraser Brown growled; “Can’t wait to get some beer in my gut!”

 

Mate, whoever you are, you’ve just won a flag, have license. FUCK the HATERS! Show some personality!

 

What I LOVE is, the game. It’s players. Most of its supporters. Unbreakable!

 

System cleansed. Thank you. Can’t wait for the Grand Final!

 

 

Read more from Matt Zurbo HERE

 

 

 

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