Footy Mysteries I Have Been Unable To Resolve:
Richard Griffiths and Murray Bird at the Footy Almanac Grand Final Eve Lunch 2023
I first met Murray Bird, formally, in October 1996 when I was appointed the Head of footy in Queensland after a stint at the Melbourne Football Club. Murray had an immediate connection with me although I was unaware of it at the time.
You see Murray was Queensland’s first umpire to be appointed to senior VFL games back in the 1990s and he officiated in a couple of games featuring Melbourne during my time as Football Manager to Neil Balme. I remember him reporting the flamboyant, enigmatic, and gifted Allen Jakovich for abusive language one day and of course later Murray was to team up with John Russo for that infamous day at Princes Park when Greg ‘Diesel’ Williams amassed 44 possessions but somehow failed to catch the umpires’ eyes.
Diesel was surely to receive the three Brownlow votes but alas failed to register any. Greg Williams was runner-up that year by one vote!
Since 1996 Murray and I have remained close friends and often catch up. In fact, in 2023 we collaborated on a biography of my great grandfather Sam Griffiths who was a significant racing identity here in Australia and abroad from 1877 to his death in 1937. Interestingly in our book titled ‘Touchstone’ reference is made to the burning of the grandstand at Caulfield racecourse on the morning of the Caulfield Cup in 1922 reportedly lit by the notorious gangster Squizzy Tayor.
In a strange twist of fate, the latest burning of the Caulfield Racecourse was allegedly the work of a man called Bird-Travis Bird. No relation to Murray. I think!
We caught up prior to Christmas in the nation’s capital (of all places) as I was on business and Murray was travelling through from Melbourne to Brisbane to spend Christmas with his daughters.
We paid a visit to the Old Canberra Inn for a few ales and a steak. Naturally, our conversation quickly turned to footy.
I told Murray that there are a few mysteries surrounding our great game that have played on my mind for many, many years and I need an astute, learned individual to help me solve them.
In what is something more attuned to a Higher School Certificate examination I posed the following conundrums to Murray in the hope he might be able to assist me. We had a chat about them (by this time we had moved to a bottle of Annie’s Lane Shiraz) but by about 10pm not much made sense at all. Subsequently I shot an email off to him listing each of my ten baffling, inexplicable, perplexing, and puzzling footy mysteries anticipating a swift response.
To date I am yet to receive anything so I thought I would throw out to the many scholars, historians, academics, footy purists, and lovers of our game via The Almanac to shed some light or personal thoughts and insights into the following curious quirks of our great game.
1. What is the purpose of the goal square in modern day footy given you can run the ball out 15 metres beyond it at full back kick-ins; and when the ball is kicked inside the square from an angle and marked why is the player lined up directly in front of goal?
2. Why was the diamond replaced by the centre square within 24 months from 1973 to 1975?
3. Describe the evolution of goal umpire flag waving from the 1950s to now.
4. Why did SANFL field umpires in the 60s, 70s and 80s bounce the ball holding it in a vertical position? Was it just to peeve off the Victorians?
5. Describe the evolution of the thickness of goal pads.
6. What year and why were Police horses banned from patrolling grounds during the half-time break?
7. Describe the evolution of the runner’s uniform from the 1950s to 2025.
8. Why do umpires enter the playing field in set formation and marching in military precision? When did it start and who was responsible for implementing it? Do they practise that at training?
9. Describe the nuances and idiosyncrasies of the following Australian Rules footballs: a) the TW Sherrin, b) the Ross Faulkner, c) the Burley, d) the Lyrebird.
10. Describe the evolution of the technique goal umpires use to signal a goal with two fingers.
11. Why do boundary umpires ensure there is backspin when returning the ball to the field umpire and do they practice at training the leap and pirouette when returning to the point of the square?
If anyone would like to provide a perspective of any of the above the writer would be very appreciative for comments in the below comment box.
More from Richard Griffiths can be read Here.
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Re 1) – why is it even referred to as a square?
Re 2) Geometry. With the diamond (originally 45m), the points of the diamond corresponded with the natural position of the centre half forward/back and the wingmen, but those points were also furthest from the centre circle (31m). Half-way along the lines of the diamond were closest to the centre (22.5m), so the flankers and wingmen tended to start from there. Rotating the diamond made the chf/back position the closest to the centre circle, but the flankers were now further away. Presumably this was meant to lead to fewer players able to get near the centre bounce area but to my eye, players still lined up as closely as they could to the centre circle, so you would often see four to six players lined up on each wing side of the square. Did this help or hinder the boundary umps (and when was the last time a centre square infringement was awarded?)
Re 5) Wayne Carey’s knee at Football Park
Re 9) What about Kookaburra?
Swish Re5) I know it was a point post, not a goal post but the one Leigh Matthews crunched at Windy Hill back in 1982 may be a factor in this dialogue.
Glen!
No illumination – but an anecdote on Point 7. The Fos Williams (father of Mark) coached Port Adelaide of my 1950’s/60’s youth were the manic, ruthless hard men of SA footy. They were the mafia, gestapo and gun runners of cultural life. Winning by any means was all that mattered to Fos. But he was a reflective and intelligent man away from footy (Mike Sexton has chronicled his life).
In my childish imaginings the Magpies were the black hats of cowboy stories always plundering us helpless white hats. But Fos’ runner was a discordant figure in my narrative.
Harry Vincent was a greying, portly figure always immaculately attired in lawn bowls/cricketing flannel creams. He was off white/beige/cream before Richie made it a cliche’. White bowls runners – with none of the affected black stripes of Adidas. To a childish observer he was a gent – a toff – in a sea of murderous pirates. I imagined him as the chaplain to the SS.
That must mean that there was no runners uniform in the SANFL up to the mid 1960’s. It was entirely idiosyncratic. I remember Harry because he was so unique. I think other club runners were mostly recently retired players – chosen for their athleticism. Harry glided more than ran – but he never seemed to tire. Coaches have always been control freaks, and there was an endless stream of messages – gee ups; bakes and positional tactics in those days.
Which begs another question from your list – when did coaches move from the boundary to the stands for a better game perspective? It was all boundary in the early 60’s. Did Barassi change it and set the tone for others to follow?
More on Carey’s knee – the square shaped posts plus thin padding was a recipe for karma, sorry, disaster.
https://www.theage.com.au/sport/afl/post-shape-a-point-of-contention-20030713-gdw1eh.html
1/ yes @Swish … change it to “The Rectangle”
3/ Neoliberalism and managerialism
4/ South Australians will do anything to not copy Victorians
5/ Neoliberalism, managerialism and wowserism
6/ 1990s > see above for the reason
8/ They do not practice it, but some goal umpires in the 1980s and 1990s were very anal about it
9/ The Lyrebird was un-kickable and Burleys were balloons (in the 1980s)
11/ Pirouettes, leaps and backspins were all practiced regularly in the 1980s and 1990s
A back spinning Sherrin, the only kind of footy worth talking about, is relatively easy to catch, especially for umpires, who, let’s face it, aren’t noted for their hand eye coordination. That’s why they’re umpires, after all.
Umpires throw the pill to each other in that fussy, prissy way because they couldn’t possibly handball it. Imagine the chaos and damage to egos, authority and knuckles if they were expected to bang them out Diesel style? Forward spinning, hamstring-straining late dippers, finger-destroying floaters, even the odd bamboozling torpy. Pure debacle.
Another ponderable: why is it that when I see a piece by R. Griffiths which mentions M. Bird in the opening makes me start smiling, and then laughing, irrespective of what it”s about.
Love this. Great topic. I will contemplate.
Great set of questions, Richard. Thanks.
Some thoughts on Q.9. The TW Sherrin is the Stradivarius of footballs. Beautiful to consider; art gallery-worthy; a delight to kick. As Murray noted the Burley was a balloon and even the finest exponent of a drop punt could struggle, even on a still afternoon. The SANFL persevered with these until recently. Kicking a Lyrebird could result in acute pain and if your foot struck the ball right on the (concrete-reinforced) tip, especially when attempting a Paul Bagshaw-inspired stab pass, the physical distress was particularly medieval.