Almanac (Cricket) Humour: Viv on mystery balls

 

 

(Viv Tufnell is a Tasmanian Shield cricketer in an alternate universe. He lies, makes excuses and plods at a 28.3 strike rate, while all the while busying himself in the art of being an a@#*hole.)

 

(In today’s journal, Viv throws in head back in dismay over the development of mystery balls.)

 

Naz Mancini, our off spinner, is truly the mad scientist of Shield cricket. For as long as I’ve known him, Naz has experimented with cricket balls in just about every way you could experiment with a cricket ball.  In fact, I can only think of one way he hasn’t experimented with a cricket ball, but if the lewd magazines in his locker are anything to go by, who’s to say he hasn’t experimented with them that way as well!

 

Naz has been on a quest to unearth a new kind of spin from the first day he arrived at Bellerive. His first forays into developing mystery balls were disasters. The deliveries would seldom land on the cut area and his arm would bend well in excess of 30 degrees. Sh*t, he’d even bowl the occasional ball which came out worse than John Howard’s famous clanger! Nowadays, though, he seems to be much closer to a result.

 

Inspired by Paul Adams ‘frog in a blender’ action, Naz now experiments with contorting himself when he bowls. He spent the off-season with Circus Oz and thanks to their acrobatics instructor, Naz returned to Bellerive with a bag of tricks. “What do you think?” he asked after bowling a ball in the middle of a back-flip. Not able to believe my eyes, I spluttered, “What in the name of Faf du Plessis, was that?” He explained that he spent the winter perfecting this back-flip delivery and given time, he’d unveil another concoction. “You’ve also got a what???” I asked in astonishment. “I’ve also got a ball bowled from the top of my hand,” he revealed.

 

Matching the bizarreness of his back-flip maneuver, Naz now has a delivery that’s released from the top, rather than the palm of his hand. He went on to explain that he’s had his test tubes and beakers out on this ball for some time and that’s it really coming along. “Sh*t, I’m already starting to land them on a good length,” he added excitedly. Jesus, I thought, thinking how difficult that’d be to pick; Christ, I further dwelled, imaging my middle peg being knocked over by one of these abominations.

 

I often wonder about the first time Murali’s off spin caught the attention of one my batting brethren in Sri Lanka. I mean, didn’t they think to stymie his development the way I would of? Like, for the good of all their batting brothers throughout the cricketsphere, didn’t they stop to consider that the world would be a nicer place for batsmen all round if we didn’t have off-spinners bending their arms at 30 degrees, while chucking wrist spun kookaburras into Chaminda Vass’s footmarks every other day of the week?

 

Further, what about batsmen who first came across googlies and doosra’s and arm balls and reverse swing. Didn’t they think to stamp out these threats to battings supremacy over the ball by dealing with their pesky inventors in dastardly and insidious ways?

 

“Yeah, I’m really excited about these deliveries,” Naz went on to add. “Who knows how revolutionary they’ll turn out to be?”

 

“Hmm,” I eked circumspectly in response.

 

“And Viv, don’t tell anyone, but I’ve just signed a contract with New South Wales , so mate, you’d better get used to them in the nets ‘cos next year it’ll be out in the middle.”

 

“Oh,” I remarked, privately horrified; “the SCG’s turning wickets, eh?,” I further considered. “Well good luck with that,” I then said, putting forward my hand to congratulate him; “looking forward to facing you,” I continued, now aiming to break every bone in his tweaking fingers, with a crushing vice like grip.

 

 

More from Punxsutawney Pete can be read Here.

 

 

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