AFL Round 22: Arrrrggghhhh!!! Magpies force me to attack Nutella jar with a spoon

On Friday night I decided not to watch the footy after hearing that my favourite actor Colin Firth’s movie Nanny McPhee was on the TV.

By the end of the movie I felt so very annoyed, I said:  “Be damned Colin Firth! Why do you have to be 49 years old AND married?”

Colin is the most amazing man I have ever seen.

This seems to be my life story. Any man that I have any interest in is always taken, famous or way too old for me! There is 32 years between me and Colin Firth; I always knew I was born in the wrong decade!

I wish I was born in England in the 1800s, where men were so civilized in opening doors and ladies wore gowns of fine lace and silk.

The normal man these days is equipped with a beer gut, trade mark sweat patches and a rough angry voice in order to shout, “You … f****** umpire!!”


“I F****** swear, if you miss one more goal I’m scrapping my membership you good for nothing f*****.”


Even Mick is leaving me deprived of my favourite player.

That’s right! Nathan has played the last two or three weeks in the VFL team yet he’s not battling any injury. Mick’s reason for leaving him out is the  success the team is experiencing.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Hell no, in my position it puts out the flame!

Sadly, this is the last game of the season before the finals battle begins.

Coming to the end of the season is just as sad as when your spoon hits the bottom of the chocolate ice-cream tub, or when you notice that you’ve finished the last Tim-tam.

Devastating, upsetting, overwhelming, distressing.

Those are a few words to describe the end of the season.

I flick the TV to Fox Sports for the game, only to hear that Pendlebury and L. Brown are OUT! That is, it’s over, we’ve lost!

And little did I know that I was right. Let’s get the pain over with. Collingwood went down to the Bulldogs by 24 points. That’s right they blew it! It means we have to face the bloody Saints which means GOODBYE SEPTEMBER, FAREWELL PREMIERSHIP, ADIEU BECAUSE YOU STUFFED UP AGAIN!!!

As you can see, my calm, happy self that was present at the start of this report is fuming with rage! Causing me to do what I do best, which is to attack the Nutella jar with a spoon. Girls and chocolate means heartache and I’m truly shattered.

The first quarter wasn’t too bad. Dale, McCarthy and Lockyer all goaled. It finished with scores level, which is better than being down, I guess.

The second brought goals from Wellingham, Aker and Johnson, and even Mum tried to get into the game for once. She had been watching the game from the very start but only noticed the score board at 11:50 of the second quarter. She excitedly said: “Ohhhh look, your losing!” Gee, thanks for that, Mum.

It finishes with us two goals down.

Four goals in a row to start the third term.

BANG goes Joshy, BANG goes Superman, BANG goes Davis, and BANG goes Swan!

Too early to get excited as the Bulldogs strike back.

Murphy, Eagleton and number 14 all goal.


Hill gets the Dogs’ fourth as I shriek in frustration.



Welsh and Dale score to start the fourth.

Beams, reliable, future star Beams, HITS THE POST!


Turnovers here and there, marks dropped, kicks missing targets…


Higgins makes me lament the fact I put him on my pretty list and Johnson … well, this is how it went after he scored:


Coll: 76              WB: 100

Yup, they really killed me today, they really did.

I’m so disappointed. They played like rubbish, no hunger, no composure and I even yelled abuse at my favourites like Beams, Didak and … Medhurst.

It killed me, they killed me!

Not even Colin Firth himself could console me right now because the dream is over, it’s time to wake up.

I’ve got mopping to do. Hmmn. An angry, fuming Magpie fan with a bucket of water and mop …  this should be interesting.

About Danielle Eid

Im 23, cute and most importantly im the Collingwood Football Club's very own PRINCESS!! :) A Latrobe Uni graduate from Bachelor of Journalism. Admirer of Samantha Lane and Jon Ralph. Not your typical 'Robot Journalist' Loves Alex Fasolo


  1. Peter Schumacher says

    Don’t worry, I reckon the Saints can’t win on the MCG again this year, won’t know the ground enough. Your mob have played there heaps of times. A free ride for the Pies straight to the prelims.

  2. Peter,
    i dont know what to say really.
    is a change of turf enough to hold back the Saints?
    i doubt it.


  3. Steve Healy says

    Number 14: Callan Ward.

    Very nice writing Danni,

    I can’t believe you would watch Nanny McPhee over the footy! I hate that movie. Collingwood V Bulldogs meant nothing. Collingwood are still in the 4 and could easily beat the Saints. I was at Melbourne V St.Kilda. The saints clearly aren’t weakened on the MCG. It gives them more space and bigger pockets for Riewoldt and Koschitzke to move in to.

    Dane Swan was a bit low again- just 21 touches for the second week in a row. Hopefully the Pies can get Pendlebury back and lose the grand final to live up to their nick name. lol

  4. gezze…Steve that was a big pep talk down to a thump!
    As if i would miss Colin Firth! he makes me wish i wasnt only 17!
    I cant really see my boys beating the Saints.
    Poor Swan needs a break, its hard playing fantastic footy for 22 rounds!
    Hmm..i wonder if theres some sort of medication to stop Collywobbles??

  5. Michael Allan says

    In Dani’s defence Steve it was a terrible game. Also it’s worth noting that Ward was taken at pick 17. The same pick that was traded to the Bulldogs for Jordon McMuffin. I can’t watch a Bulldogs game without thinking about that.

  6. Steve Healy says

    Yea, Ablett risen about Swan for the brownlow. Hah, Michael it reminds of the Lions trading pick 14 for Travis Johnstone. Now the Dees have Grimes. Ward is a great young player.

    Yes, Danielle it’s called toothpaste.

  7. Steve! thats the second time today someone has said something like that.
    one of my teachers said to me:
    “Ohh you know that by the time you’re 22 and you re-sign as a member they knock out one of your front teeth?”

    Anyone see the Herald Sun sports cover?
    Superman looks mighty fine and lucky Lake is practically hugging him! IM SO JEALOUS!!

  8. Michael Allan says

    Hah. I think the besttrade was back in 2001. Fremantle’s 1,20 and 36 for McPharlin and Croad. Picks 1 and 36 were Hodge and Mitchell. Crtoad was traded back to Hawthorn for pick ten. The pick was used on Ryley Duunn. Poor Freo.

  9. WOW Michael look at you and your footy knowledge go!
    i deff wouldnt know that stuff off the top of my head!


  10. Steve Healy says

    Bad day huh?

    No, I didn’t see the Herald Sun sports cover! I saw The Age sports cover with Nathan Eagleton on the front and an ad for the Gold Clearance outlet. Danni, is Jack Anthony’s hair real? I heard he got it stitched on at one of those hair loss thingos.

  11. Steve Healy says

    Sorry, I mean the Golf Clearance outlet.

  12. YES, VERY BAD DAY!!!! ARRRGHHH am i supposed to know?
    i have not run my hand through those black locks of his recently! LOL
    Real or not, it looks good

  13. Michael Allan says

    Thanks Danni, I have useless facts of Richmond and Hawthorn planted in my head. Steve I wouldn’t be surprised, it looks a bit suss to me.

    (lol dont mind just looking through the Herald Sun and found a picture and article on my fav tennis champ Fed!)

  15. Steve Healy says

    Wow Michael that was a terrible trade. Ryley Dunn was terrible in the few games he played. Imagine if Freo did have Hodge and Mitchell and Croad. But I guess there are a lot of “what ifs” in footy.

  16. Michael Allan says

    Heaps, it’s easy to look at them in hindsight but still even then it was aa stupid trade. Freo were on the bottom of the ladder, why would you top up? Never again will pick 1 ever be traded.

  17. Steve Healy says

    I’m looking at Ryley Dunn’s stats now. He played eight games in four seasons, kicked one behind for his career and averaged 4.4 possessions. Tom Scully will be safe at Melbourne for his whole career. What about Jarrad Oakley-Nicholls Michael? what do you think about him?

  18. Michael Allan says

    I think he’s a project player who needs to be given time to develop. He will be apart of Richmonds resurgance back into the top eight with his skill and class.

    Seriously, he opitimizes what is wrong with Richmond. Poor drafting through the Frawley-early Wallace era’s have cost us dearly. I feel soory for the bloke, it wasn’t his fault that he was taken at pick 8. I’m interested to see what Hardwick will do wiuth him.

    If I was him DELIST

  19. Damian Watson says

    What’s your opinion on Cleve Hughes, I remember there were big raps placed on him at Richmond when he was drafted however he hasn’t seemed to deliver over the past few years, usually playing at Coburg.


  20. Michael Allan says

    Yes Damo we don’t need to go through all of Richmond’s dissapointing recruits but Cleve is an interesting one. He kicked 6 goals against Port Adelaide last year and after he folled up with 3 goals against Carlton the next week I thought we had found our Richo replacement. I’ve always thought that Polak’s tram uincedent ruined the careers of more than one player. McMahon and Hughes were with Polak when he was hit by the tram. Afgter that night he showed no signs and so has spent all this year struggling to get a game for Coburg’s firsts. Since he’s a key forward Hardwick might not let him go just yet. Any other REichmond failures you’d like to discuss?

  21. Josh Barnstable says

    Jay Schulz. Also kicked 6 goals against Brisbane a few years ago but really is a dud

  22. Josh Barnstable says

    And you got your wish Michael. Oakley-Nicholls was delisted yesterday

Leave a Comment