AFL Round 2: The Punt Road Wrap



What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Mickey took the Wayward Boys to the edge of paradise, but they blew their chances allowing The Enigmatic Tigers to notched their 1st win of the season.  The Reigning Premiers had a similar experience with their Nemesis, but snuffed out The Bombers’ exuberance with some brilliance of their own in an absolute thriller.

On Saturday we saw St Riewoldt lead the Feeling Faints to Victory with a come from behind win over the Giants. Port belted the Chardonnays over in the City of Light; Carringbush found the GAD for a win over The Flailing Swans; and Freo pulled down the shutters on The Sunbeams.

Come Sunday and The Moggies prevailed over The Lions in a tight tussle, West Coast flayed The Demons yet didn’t kick The Sweep.  That honour went to The Power From Port.  And North got up against The Doggies in what could only be described as a lack lustre encounter.

Here’s one for you Wrappers.  Before this season’s out the Great Helmsman is going to wish he had Posh & Becks (round or oval ball versions? – Ed) back here in Oz mouthing off about how badly they’ve been treated.  You know why?  Because he’s the one left in the spotlight.  And there’s a queue a mile long waiting to take a potshot at him in this, his testimonial year.  Attendances are down.  One of the oldest sporting bodies and a foundation member of the League is a reeling basket case, a situation not entirely of it’s own making.  A schedule fixture rigged for TV & virtual reality sides fabricated for imagined markets, has rusted-on fans falling off in huge chunks, and the round ball code is on the ascendency – despite all it’s international travails & travesty.  Fans being ripped off – yes, ripped off – at the food & beverage counters – and are slugged with gate price hikes when high street shops are plastered with SALE signs and industrial estates are becoming wastelands   There’s a decided smell about the manner in which the AFL operates and smoke continues to bellow from machinations over the so-called Essendon Drug Scandal.  How much heat would it take off the Ayatollah this season if the Hird Camp were over here blowing their bags instead of sunning themselves on the Riviera?  No Nurelle, that’s down at Metung.

After listening to the call-ins to Stan & The Boys on The Saturday Inquisition and studying the results of the poll on who should/would coach Essendon next season on the Channel Sept pre-match it might be time to look at what Samuel Taylor Coleridge had to say in a previous era on one who shot the Albatross.

He went like one that hath been stunned,

And is of sense forlorn:

A sadder and a wiser man,

He rose the morrow morn.

While we’re on The Saturday Inquisition, can someone please explain how Hawthorn’s blowing of a five-goal ascendency to scramble in after surrendering the lead be described as heroic, while Richmond’s squandering of a similar dominant position with a similar unflattering 3rd quarter be disparaged as an example of The Tigers flakiness?  By the way, they were never headed all night.  Mark McClure, your bias might be showing a bit.

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who was feeling blue after Round II.

Richmond v Carlton.  For a while there TLSPRF thought it was going to be déjà vu all over again when they stopped to a walk in the Final Stanza.  The Bluebaggers had hauled a 31 point Long Interval deficit in to 21 points by the Citrus Huddle, and The Striped Wonders were watching their season flash before their eyes.  We all know the outcome, and while it can be argued that it was more about BKIBF than GTWTCO, or the other way around, is a minor footnote in the history of Season 2014.  The bottom line is that Struggletown banked the Four Points and The Only Team All Carlton knows goes into Round III zip & 2.  Next week, after their Apoplectic Coach has flogged them around Princes Park until the veins on his forehead pop, they have The Bombers OTR.  The Tigers of Old take on The Sons of The Mighty West.  Speaking of the Philosopher Coach, one thing he’s brought across from Victoria Park is an improvement in the Silvertail’s acting prowess.  Did you see Jarrod Waite’s reaction to the Pocket Comanchero’s attempt to disentangle his legs from Waite’s grip?  The contact was with his shoulder but the hands went straight to the head.  Even in the Roundball Code that’s an indictable offence Jarrod.

Essendon v Hawthorn.  The Hawks seem to have the Bombers’ measure by half time, but The Bombers demonstrated why some Punters & Pundits have them in their Top Four.  They fought back magnificently under the unflappable Bomber T, but TRP, minus their Skipper & backline general, rallied after all seemed lost.  Stiff Bombers.  Magnificent Hawkers.  The moment for us here in the Wrapcave was the shot of Chappy decked in the Red&Black of Melrose Drive with a look of bewilderment on his granite dial as the PA system belted the Leafy East Anthem across the battle field.  You can change your colours Chappy, but you can’t hide.  That battle cry will follow you wherever you go.  Although it must be said this time it rang with a slight variation – We’re a Lucky Team at Hawthorn …..  They have the GF rematch same time same place next round.  The Bombers have The Hapless Bluebaggers in another fixture of stupidity – ball up at 19.10 Sunday.  True, it’s not a school day the next day, but really, by Sunday night you just want to kick back.  Barracking is exhausting, especially when these two mugs line up to belt the bejesus out of each other.

GWS v The Feeling Faints.  The Sainters have grown another leg this year.  Widely tipped to be nailing another Coveted Timber Trophy over the bar at the Social Club down at Eel Race Road, they’ve blown two golden opportunities to secure pole position for the run to home.  The Handicappers haven’t been so kind to them next week; they’re off to Fortress Subiaco for a Saturday night encounter.  They’ve been kinder to GWS, they have The Devilish Demons up at somewhere called Spotless Stadium.  (Maybe it describes the condition of Melbourne’s’ jumpers by the end of the match – Ed)

Port Adelaide v The Free Settlers.  Make no mistake, Port Adelaide are the real thing.  Their 7-3 Final Stanza was better than either of The Pride of South Australia’s two halves of football.  They have The Northerners in the gathering gloom under cover next Sunday.  Adelaide test themselves against The Swanettes in the Shadow of Mt Lofty on Saturday at the traditional time.

The Swans v The Magpies.  Still too early to tell if this outcome tells us more about The Maggies or The Swans.  Most Students of The Game were watching The Midsummer Murders (? that was the poms, Wrap – the TV show is Midsomer – Ed) by the long interval.  Neither side looked like they should win, but the scoreboard was favouring the Homeside.  By the Final Bell Collingwood had booted 12-17 to Sydney’s 10-9 and the Bloods go into Round III winless with a trip to the City of Churches to take on The Mighty Adelaide Crows, who are also watching their season start to unhinge.  The Woodsmen host The Pivotonians on The Paddock that Grew on Saturday night.

The Dangerous Dockers v The Abletts over there.  The Boa Constrictors squeezed the life out of this one to gain the Four Points and a healthy slice of percentage.  But not enough to go to the Top of The table.  They have their work cut out for them next Friday against TRP at The G.  The Sunbeams slip home to host Crosstown Rivals Brisbane in the balmy twilight of the Metricon.

The Lions v The Cats up there.  The Pussies came home with the bacon but Brissy made them work for it all night (were you watching in Buenos Aires? – Ed).  The Handbags may have been saving themselves for their trip to THOF against the Mighty Magpies on Saturday night.  Brissy slip down the Pacific Motorway to Carrara to take on The Gold Coast Suns.

The Fuchsias v The Screaming Eagles   Move along; there’s nothing to see here.  Well, there was actually: the nadir of the Melbourne Football Club.  If it was a horse race the stewards would have called for the blind.  There’ll be enough said through the week about this lamentable effort, but we’ve had one complaint already.  A dad who took his son along to play in the Little League, parked in the MCG car park for a quick getaway once his son had dispatched his Half Time Duties.  He was gridlocked trying to get out onto Brunton Avenue by Hearts Haemorrhaging True For The Red & The Blue halfway through the 3rd Quarter.  One consolation was that his nine-year-old son knocked up more stats over the Long Interval than some Redleg players did in Four Quarters.  And it’s not likely that Jack Who will have to wait much longer to decide whether he’ll stay on at Melbourne.  We’ll make the call now – don’t ring us, we’ll ring you.

The Doggies v The Shinboners.  Neither side impressed in a scrappy encounter, especially disappointing considering one of the protagonists was tipped to make it deep into September and the other to move up the Ladder.  North will be happy with the Four Points, but their meeting with Port Power on the Shifting Sands next Sunday may shorten any elation.  The Kennel Coughs host The Striped Marvels for the early one on Saturday.

And remember, if you read it in the Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. All the news that splatters. Never let the facts get in the way of the Truth. Love it Mr Wrap.
    I am sure you got your first communion while ghost writing ‘Hartbalm’ for John Norton in the old formguide wrapped in filth.
    Your capture the house style perfectly.
    Any chance of you and Nurelle making it across the Nullarbor with the Punt Road Faithful for Round 18? Its my birthday and I need a man who can hold his cork tipped.

  2. Malcolm Ashwood says

    Wrap comparing the Hawks v Bombers game to Richmond v Carlton gam is like comparing , THE BODY to any of the female contestants on the biggest loser that is the gap in the standards of the two games . To say there have been some Barry Crockers of games so far is a massive understatement. there ain’t the talent to go round for 18 teams . Wrap spot on the public have had a guts full of being ripped off and being treated like idiots re scheduling etc the blind have stopped following the blind there is growing resentment and anger to the ayetelloh and his cronies . Thanks Wrap

  3. The Wrap. says

    “fraid I’ll be in Ye Olde Darte in July Mr. B. I’ve got a couple of granddaughters being raised amongst the Barbarians & those Dark Satanic Mills. I need to go over once in a while to show them postcards of Good Old Sunny Oz and those Sweeping Plains & Ragged Mountain Ranges. But thanks for the invite Mate. It would have been a hoot. BTW, I’m a Temple Bar man. Not that I’ve got anything against those sissies who went for the corked tipped Turf & Capstans. I once went out with a girl who was on the Garricks. Had a breath like a pine cone.

    And thanks for the literary flattering comparison. If only …….

    Hey Mal, I was only comparing the pattern of the two matches. To someone just landed from Mars – to where, there is an ever growing body of evidence, the Appalling Football League has been relocated – they would have picked it up immediately. Of course, not steeped in the culture as is Mark McClure, they wouldn’t have noticed that the four teams involved in the two matches demanded vastly different responses even though they played in distinctly similar matches.

    Rest assured, I was in no way comparing Richmond with the team they flogged by a aggregate of 93 points over their last two encounters.

  4. Wrapster I’ll be in the old Dart myself in July. See you at The Pig and Whistle for a pint.

  5. The Wrap. says

    What part Dips? I’ll be in London most of the time. I’ve got a couple of daughters over there – one in Stoke Newington (N16) & one in Harlesden (NW10). Plenty of Pig & Whistles in both towns. Where will you be?

  6. Rick Kane says

    Lovely work, as usual Mr The Wrap. One small error. Hawks are taking on the Dockers at the G. They survived the Dons at Epitaph Stadium. Other than that, good work.


  7. Wrapster I’ll be a few days near Shoreditch High Street – the London Borough of Tower Hamlets. We’ll be on the move doing the tourist thing, but I’m sure I can squeeze in a pint or two.

    I believe a bloke by the name of P Flynn will be Pig and Whistling in London in July as well. Could be a regular reunion.

  8. The Wrap. says

    Shoreditch eh? The home of The Mighty Boosh. What days will you be around Dips?

  9. Wrap – in June 28 at night, out July 2 to begin a small odyssey around the gentle English countryside.

  10. I got a bad feelin about dis!

  11. Wrap, Dips and Flynn all in the same pommie boozer on the same night??
    I have notified the IRA, Al Quaeda, MI6 and United Distillers.

  12. The Wrap. says

    You left off St John’s Ambulance Mr B. As it turns out Dips will be slipping off to the sticks before I hit the smoke.

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