A Collingwood High Road?

By Suzy Lewis

Collingwood versus St Kilda – Saturday 17 July 2010

“…In retrospect we sort of seemed to have it for most of the second half, but you never know, do you, what can happen.  It’s just been part of my football upbringing,  I don’t expect anything until it’s there and in reality and once we got to the 25 minute mark, 8 in front…I just said ‘we’ve got it’…”

The day started like any other when a Collingwood football game is involved, except for the fact that we were not dodging possums on the walk through the East Melbourne gardens – and, what was this strange glowing light in the sky?  The Sun!!  Daylight?  On a Saturday?  Yes, it was a Saturday afternoon game which used to be the norm but are now as a rare as an intelligent Carlton supporter (or a St Kilda player with a clean police record).

On that note, let’s get the obvious out of the way.  Reading the St Kilda team sheet for the day reminded me of the day I joined Phil Cornell and his year 11 students on an excursion to Barwon Prison –“look girls, there is the Acacia wing… this bloke is in here for murder… what about these other prisoners?  Rapist, rapist, druggie, rapist, brother of an armed robber…”.  I could spend much of the report focusing on how St Kilda players are generally all whinging, repugnant, ugly, rotten, pathetic, classless, dishonest, corrupt and morally offensive, but I choose to take the high road.

The game got off to a decent start with the Pies up by 3 goals at quarter time.  Luke Ball fittingly scored the first Magpie goal, and while we often closed our eyes when Leigh Brown lines up for goal (the way we did with James Manson circa 1990), Leroy showed early signs that he was putting the days of being the most likely to receive a Danny Roach vote far behind him (and his mate Jolly too).  The Piessimist was in very excitable form, which I put down to the potential for scathing barbs against the various criminals in the opposition.  One such quip came when S.Milne was penalised for holding Ben Johnson; “what happened Milne?  Did you think he (Benny J) was wearing a dress?” And so the tone for the day was set.

The second quarter saw the Pies continue to apply great pressure on the Saints, going hard in the packs and great contested marking – in general, they were relentless.  Dawes was on the end of some crappy passes, and some crappy umpiring, but showed brute strength when he out-marked two Saints with one hand.  Jolly keeps improving and did a great job in the ruck all day, while Macaffer repaid the faith of that crafty old fox Matlhouse with 3 good goals for the day.   Ben Reid was another who was revolting against the threat of Danny Roach votes with some excellent work on the last line of defence, while Presti seemed to enjoy working over a less than fully fit Riewoldt.  It sees that Nick Riewoldt has been out of the game a bit too long as his constant whinging for free kicks yielded nothing from the orange maggots.  He kicked a goal on the siren for half time and the true Collingwood supporters (who always expect the worst) were shaking their heads wondering if this was the beginning of a comeback.

The third quarter revealed no such comeback as Leon started proceedings with a great goal-square dribble goal courtesy of a Daisy long bomb and a deft Dawes tap down.  As mentioned above Dawes was not a stand out performer, and perhaps the Kevin Ramsdale theory where a write up in the Age on Friday results in a crap game also lends itself to features in the Saturday Herald Scum?  Dawes was in such a feature, with the revelation that he is studying law.  Gone are the days of the tradie footballer who, when quizzed by the now defunct player profiles in the Footy Record would list spaghetti bolognaise as their favourite food, Lethal Weapon or Die Hard 27 as their favourite film and anything by Cold Chisel as their music of choice.  Perhaps Chris Dawes is evidence of a new intellectual breed?  Thank goodness for the likes of Didak, Beames, Swan and Shaw for upholding the balance who would no doubt describe an Oxford Scholar as a pub in the Melbourne CBD and an anthropologist as an Anthony Rocca or Jack Anthony fan.

Back to the game, and three minutes in we were six goals up care of a handy goal by Beames.  Rather than brimming with confidence and having visions of actually being able to read the paper and watch the various footy shows on Sunday, I worried that the further we were ahead simply meant the more famous the St Kilda comeback would be, led by the chief scumbag Milne (don’t you just want to punch that head whenever you see it?) and his equally despicable mates Montagna and Riewoldt.

Thank goodness for the supercoach king Swannie who slotted a goal and had an outstanding game with 36 touches and gave the Saints midfield a lesson in what it means to have a heart and play with unrelenting guts and determination.   The orange maggots must have sensed my nervousness and awarded two cheap frees to the Saints resulting in a goal and a point, but they could not capitalise on these gifts and were kicking like we were in our first clash with the Saints for 2010.  The Magpies faffed around with the ball so much in one passage of play it seemed like every player had a touch before a goal to Beames.  Goldsack did his best Didak impression but just could not pull off a soccer goal.

Leon David showed some signs of improvement but had the reverse Midas touch, where everything he touched turned into a point or a clanger.  Perhaps he will have a blinder of a finals series to cap off a true reverso 2010 season?

The Magpies went into the fourth quarter with a 6.5 goal buffer, and the discerning and seasoned Magpies supporters/punters around the ground were reaching for their phones when the odds for a Saints win flashed up at $34.00 during the third quarter break.  Macaffer goaled from nowhere and Didak effected a great reverse spoil when the Saints were on the march towards goal.  The Magpies kept the intensity up for almost 4 quarters which has been a lacking part of their game at times this year.  Jolly played a great game with 29 hit outs, and Leigh Brown won himself a new, vocal fan club in the Piessimist and John Ramsdale who were at many times attempting to sway this writer’s 3, 2 and 1 votes by pointing out his efforts, and at one point calling for all 6 to be awarded to Leroy.   Ben Reid was again solid on the last line with another great mark, and the Magpies managed to maintain momentum in the face of rotten umpiring and a cheap 50 metre penalty against Didak.  The Saints could not convert these opportunities while the Pies were saying ‘Travis Who?’ and ‘Jack Who?’ with Beames and Macaffer goaling again.

The boos around the ground were deafening when Milne missed a soccer attempt at goal and when he got the ball (which was not very often).   The muppets Waldorf and Statler (aka JR and the Piessimst) nearly jumped over the level 4 fence and on to the ground when Leigh Brown marked and consequently goaled at the 27 minute mark, despite the Piessimist suggesting that Josh Fraser was sticking pins in a Leroy voodoo doll attempting to spoil his goal attempt.  Sharryd Wellingham finished the game with two gutsy speccys, cleaning up Sam Gilbert in the process, which was an added bonus for the blood-lusting, slavering fans around me.

And so the Magpies had beaten the old foe St Kilda and in an emphatic manner, by a lazy 48 points, and boy we were happy.  The footy Gods were smiling upon us as the live ladder flashed up showing the Pies an outright 2 points clear in top spot and they kept flashing their pearly whites at us on Sunday as those other scums of the earth, Carlton, got smashed by the Swans.

The origins of the quote at the start of this report, for those of you playing at home, can be found in this link… enjoy, but keep a lid on it!!!


Go Pies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suzy Lewis


3 – Dane Swan

2 – Daisy

1 – Leigh Brown


  1. Tony Robb says

    Good report Suzy but one must be careful when taking the high road as the drop into the ditch becomes more painful. I was not surprised with the revelation that Dawes was studying law. I believe you can study lots of things such as woodwork when you’re in prison lol. Pies are going well but the magpie girls go round the outside, round the outside.

  2. Don’t take you guns to town Didak,

    leave your guns at home son,

    don’t take your guns to town.

  3. Dave Latham says

    Not Stoking the fire here, but even God himself has made some terrible blunders. I wouldn’t be going there Phantom.

  4. And went to court for it Dave.

  5. David Latham says

    But aren’t you bringing Dids before the court of public opinion? Thought I’d follow your lead.

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