The Wrap: Where Will They Be in 5 Months Time?


For the Philosophical Marngrook Follower

At the end of last season The Wrap cleared out his desk and disappeared without trace.  The only clues to his whereabouts were fragments of evidence we’ve been able to piece together.  The tinny and the trailer are gone from the lock-up shed where he kept them.  We got the Firearm Squad to break open his gun locker and the shotgun and Brno .222 weren’t in it.  He’d taken his Lizzie Stringer CDs, a roll of chicken wire, a bag of square hooks, half a dozen yabby traps and his swag.  And that was it. 

A few weeks later we got a postcard in the mailbag with no stamp or postmark.  It was crumpled around the edges as though someone had carried it a long way in a jacket pocket.  It showed a river scene of an inland billabong and was inscribed with these few lines.

The Ayatollah is gone.  St. James of Perpetual Petulance is no longer with us.  Hologram Man has been exposed for the polo playing Free Settler that he is.  My work here on Earth is done. TW

And that’s the last we heard from him.  That is until today. We received the the following predictions for 2016 by email.  And that’s all we know of his whereabouts and the torment that is going through his mind.

Ed – March 2016



  1. Geelong – The billboards along the Geelong Road and the Hamilton Highway are telling everyone with eyes to see – The Cat With Nine Lives is BIT. You can’t avoid the message; slip down to the Surf Coast and it hits you in the eye with the force of a wet mullet. The Moggies are once again Dangerous. Add The Dangerman, Scott Selwood, Lachie Henderson & Zac Smith to their 2015 list and, even without the Mercurial Stevie J, you’ve got a more than a half handy combination. The backline’s still solid and there’s some youngsters coming on. Plenty of Big Match experience too. Here in the Wrapcave we’ve given them August top billing. Their opening game against TRP on The G will tell us a lot about The 2016 Pivotonians. (And about Fourthorn – Ed)
  2. West Coast – The Eddie Eagles will benefit from the Master Class The Yankee Doodles dished out last year. They think of themselves as THE Western Australian team and recruit accordingly: lots of local Favourite Sons. If they beat Freo twice they’ll have a healthy game edge and should finish in second. The Reigning Coleman Medallist is hard to stop and they’ve got a quality midfield. They have a fixture they would have wished for – most of the tough ones at home and a good number of the soft ones away. They’ll be in the mix all year.
  3. Hawthorn – Last year we wrote The Squawkers will be there again; make no mistake. We wrote that last year and see no reason to change it. This year we’re going for a slight variation. They’ll make Top Four okay, but it’s going to be a long and wearying journey. Old bodies will buckle – they’ve already lost Roughie – and they’re just taking Squirrel’s Hammy one week at a time. They’ve got a tough draw, that’s for sure, but as TRP they have a tough draw every year. We’re tipping Billy Hartung will get more chances than he ever hoped for at this level, and that he’ll settle into the midfield like a cue in a rack. We also wrote last year that The Family Club is a great cover for what really goes on out at Waverley: a hard edged business administration coupled to a Football Department that is as imaginative as it is ruthless. The only thing there that’s changed is that it’s all happening out at Dingley Dell now. There’ll be times during the season that opposition supporters will have opportunity to fling the big-headed Fourthorn jibes back at The Leafblower Faithful, but it won’t worry them too much.
  4. Collingwood – That’s right Wrappers – Carringbush will make up the Top Four. Adam Treloar’s a gun midfielder with enormous potential and Darcy Moore’s got all the class of his Old Man. Jeremy Howe adds excitement up forward and Levi Greenwood adds to the midfield, and with a big tank he’ll be a handy addition under the limited interchange rules. We’re tipping a big year for Dwayne Swan in his swansong year. Penders leads from the front and S. Sidebottom leads from wherever Coach Figjam asks him to go. And for all those Doubting Thomases, check out the nail holes in the palms of his hand. (The one on the left is starting to look a bit nasty Bucks, I’d hit it with a Condy’s crystal solution if I were you – Ed) He’s the genuine article and the next Collingwood Premiership Coach.
  5. Fremantle – They’re pretty cocky down at Fremantle. They’ve signed Rossy Lyon for another half decade and have The Reigning Brownlow Medallist at the top of his game. There’s an old saying up on The Darling; when the brown snakes outnumber the goannas, it’s a good year for eagles. And there’s a king brown sunning itself on every log right now. Losing both Derbies will be costly. We’ve got them just outside the Double Chance. They still don’t look as though they can kick those big scores and their defence without McPharlin just doesn’t look tight enough. They can’t get Johnson on the park often enough to count, and The Iconic Zac only managed five games last year. True, Horrible Hayden is always a danger up forward, but The Pav & Big Aaron must be considered week by week propositions.
  6. Richmond – The Striped Enigmas are in the mix again. Out of season headlines have drawn the spotlight to them but they’re more than Dusty, an unfit Yarran and a threatened walk-off in 100oF heat. Coach Hardnose has been given a 2-year contract extension and they’ve picked up some hard at the ball midfielders. Jack’s fired up and they have a tight defensive outfit. And keep an eye on #17 at Tigerland. Your going to see and here a lot about him. Like St Kilda have the Crap Riewoldt, Hawthorn may have the Crap Riolli. You can never tell with Richmond. Dimma’s signing takes the pressure off the coach, but it could land it on the CEO & The Board. We’re happy to call them at 6th from up here at Pooncarie around here in the Wrapcave.
  7. North Melbourne – Still not too sure about The Shinboners. They went deep into September last season and have been thereabouts for a few years now. But Boomer & Drew are that year older, as is a good part of their backline: Mr Potato Head & Thomas in particular. True, they have the best #1 ruckmen The Competition’s seen for some time and some brilliant on-ballers. They have a dream run for the opening nine rounds – Freo under cover their only serious contest – but they’ll need a cellar full of The Magic Elixir heading for September from the halfway mark.
  • Port Adelaide – Has The Power From Port recharged its batteries and got itself back to its old Never Stop Stop Stop Till They Drop Drop Drop self? They’ll miss their two of the Essendon 34, but there’s every reason to believe they’re BIT.  They’re reasonably tight down back, served well by an Angus Boak led midfield and can score in devastating bursts.  Add The Port Adelaide Tradition and the The True Believers can be unstoppable.  Sure, they had a hangover year in 2015, and a heap of injuries, but this is 2016, and they’ve got one of the best tacticians and motivators in the business at the helm.


  • Sydney – We’ve been tipping the fall of The Swans for years now. Since 1996 they’ve only missed out on September thrice. In that time they’ve won two Flags and lost two Flags. There are any number of teams would settle for that sort of record. They made a straight sets exit last season and were taken apart on TLSIS in 2014. As Gough would have said and Bill, Penny & Tanya would have us believe now, it’s time. Everyone’s that year older and there seems to be very little coming up. Sorry Swannies; not this year.
  • The Greater Western Sydney Giants – The draw will help them win enough matches to drag them up The Competition Table. They’ve got some out and out stars on their list. Toby Greene & Jeremy Cameron amongst them. Their club history reads like a Kevin Sheedy PR spiel, which is probably what it is, and this is the year you’d like to think they’ll be delivering on it. Callan Ward, Mummy and Heath Shaw will provide the foundations and Stevie J the front of house display. That’s right Wrappers, The Orangemen are The Wrap Big Movers for 2016. Sure, some wag could compile a team from players from other clubs who started their careers at the Blacktown International Sportspark, but this is looking very much like a Giant Breakout Year.


  1. Footscray – The Doggies had a good season last year and have regained Young Libber, but they face a tougher draw this season – their first five matches are very losable – and their kamikaze style of Footy won’t be helped by the interchange restrictions. We’d love to be wrong about them, but 18 into Eight just doesn’t go and someone’s got to miss out.
  2. Adelaide – Let’s not beat about the bush here; losing Paddy Dangerfield has ripped the guts out of the Adelaide midfield. Like Footscray, they’ll bother a few sides during the season, especially when Big Tex & The Hon. Edward A. Betts turn on a show, and The Rabid Adelaide Mob is always intimidating. But they’re going to have their work cut out this year.
  3. The Meter Maids – Ted Bullpit could have coached them last year, they were such a total bloody shambles. This year they’ve shown signs that they’re ready to redeem themselves. The Ablett Factor is back, and the temple’s been cleared, to a degree. They’re still up in the wilderness but there’s been an intensity and willingness to go and get the Pigskin during the pre-season carnival. And they’ve got the talent to do something with it. Homeground advantage will give them a few surprize wins as well. We’re tipping a trip up to Wally World will make wallies of more than one September Aspirant.
  4. St Kilda – The Feeling Faints were watchable last season, and they get four wins on a plate – they have return matches against The Blues & The Bombers. Three of these at the soon to be demolished Docklands, with the fourth at The Home of Football. (That was an just an Oval Office edict Wrap; ignore it. The Docklands Stadium will outlast Eddie’s presidency. You have my word on it – Ed) They’ve been stuck with one of the Essendon 34 – the troubled and troubling Jake Carlisle. This will leave a big hole in their rebuild and throw the pressure back on their tireless but aging Skipper. They’re probably better than 13th, and may well prove that this season, but someone has to sit there, and at least they’re leaving The Cellar Dwellers behind.
  5. Melbourne – Separating The Demons & The Seagulls was probably the most difficult call of The Table. The Dees have shown some serious pre-season form and look as though they may have turned a corner. But they’ve been in a maze for so long that turning a corner has become second nature to them. Unfortunately for The Long Suffering Redleg Faithful, they’ve got a few more corners to turn yet, but this last one seems to have them on a track that may lead them out into the daylight. Eventually
  6. Brisbane – The Bad News Bears struggled in 2015. They caused a couple of upsets late in the season, but rumours of Lockerroom Disharmony couldn’t be ignored when players started speaking out. It would be fair to say they’ve got a total rebuild in front of them. And that we won’t see much from them early in the season, although they shouldn’t be taken lightly.
  7. Essendon – The Battle for the Coveted Sylvan Shield is going to be one of the most hotly contested this Century. And a salutatory lesson for those who would consider any deviation from ethical behaviour to gain unfair advantage over their rivals. We’re not going for the romantic favourites for the Timber Trophy – The Flying Syringes. We thought long and hard about it and we reckon The Brown Paper Bags will have an edge of experience in tanking, and that The Club That Dare Not Speak Its Name – once the shame has become too much to bear – and The Dirty Metric Dozen Syndrome has kick in – will blow a golden opportunity to collect the Number One Draft Pick for Season 2017. With membership going through the roof and the scandal finally buried, expect the first green shoots of The Bomber Spring to poke through before season’s end.
  8. Carlton – this has really been the toughest Sylvan Shield call we’ve had to make since Hawthorn and St Kilda used to recurrently play-off for it each season during the 20th Century. And just to further quell those scurrilous rumours that The Wrap has an anti-Carlton bias we’re tipping them to add to the trophy cabinet this year. Yes Blue Bothers, we’re on The Royal Parade Bandwagon. Never mind that it looks and rattles like the North Coburg tram. A lot of rebuilding to do there in that vast parkland at the edge of the Melbourne Cemetery. And a lot of skeletons to bury.

The Flag

Can Fourthorn make good their tiresome boast?  Can The Pussies bring Sleepy Hollow back to life?  Is the Holy Grail headed West this season?  Or will we be on red Alert for a Carringbush Flag?  If The Weagles get a string of home finals they’re going to be hard to keep off The Sacred Turf come the Last Saturday in September.  So who will they be running out against?  Hawthorn seem to be able to pull off those close Penultimate Final wins before going on to thrash the opposition in The Big One.  We’re saying that their luck will fail them this season and injuries leave them depleted.  True, that when a soldier falls around at Dingley Dell another steps up to take his place.  But this season we’re seeing some serious opposition at the top and they’ll be looking at a season too far.  That’s right Wrappers, we’re saying that the team from the Leafy East won’t be there on the Last Saturday; that they’ll run out of soldiers.  That leaves The Pies & The Pussies; which one will make the challenge?  We’re going for The Hoopers, and you know what, we reckon they can avenge their 1992 GF loss.  It’s The Black Cats from Flattown for ours.  Good for Football and good for Football.  The Dark Horse is Richmond.  No seriously Wrappers;  if they can put a season together – and they’re long overdue to do just that – they could blitz the field.  Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

The Coach most likely

Last year’s winner was a lay down misere.  If you didn’t pick Coach Brewery you weren’t paying attention.  Little Lord Hirdleroy’s dismissal – or did he walk oiut into the blizzard for the good of the club? – came as a shock, but really, it was more of an aftershock, and certainly no surprise to astute SOTG.   This season it’s a lot tougher.  Woosher has a note from the doctor, Coach Figjam is so untouchable they’re calling him Elliot Ness around at the Grace Darling.  (It’s been said that some members are actually calling him Mr Dalit – Ed)  Dimma’s been signed on for another 2-years and The Scott Twins have runs on the board, money in the bank, and signed contracts.  Lepper looks the shakiest.  Team not travelling well.  An unsettled Lockerroom.  And a fall off of supporters.  The Consultancy at Melbourne may terminate this season, but it is more likely that the Consultant would have withdrawn his services.  After all, he was only there to get things back on an even keel.  We’re going to make a big call; all the sackings in 2016 are going to come from Canberra.

The Fevola

The Bombers days of scooping this prestigious award have passed.  No longer will we see Shoeless Jim joyously hold the Silver Chamber Pot aloft on Brownlow Night.  This season it’s going to be tougher.  This year we’re going with Hologram Man’s sweeping under the carpet of match fixing allegations.  Driven by organised crime, it is based on blackmailing AFL appointed officials who have a direct influence on the outcome of matches and events that occur during matches.

The Brownlow

As usual, this one’s an educated guess.  If The Tabbies are going to bring home The Pennant, The Dangerman is going to have a blinder of a season.  That’s why we’re going for him.  The Richmond Skipper to also have a great season along with the Duracell Rabbit – Slammin’ Sammy Mitchell.  Thew Reigning Medallist to be rubbed out for stepping overf the line (See Fevola Medal above – Ed)

Speaking of The Brownlow, the 2012 Brownlow in particular, Malcolm will have made up his mind on the election date before the Appalling Football League gets around to deciding whether or not Jobe Watson had an unfair advantage the year he won the count.

The Coleman

Jeremy Howe.  Clokey won’t be too happy about it, but we expect him to be playing further up the ground away from those nerve-jingling uprights.  The Eagle’s Josh Kennedy will feature and of course Jumping Jack Riewoldt too.

The Robbie Flower Medal – So far it’s looking like The Women’s League for the way they’ve returned the grace of ballet, the sublime skill of ball-eye coordination, the drama & humour of theatre, and the courage and judgement of character building that was the original inspiration for Our Great Game.  And all done without a bookie in sight.

So, let’s join in the chorus where hearts beat true and march-in Season 2016.

  1. Geelong.
  2. West Coast
  3. Hawthorn
  4. Collingwood
  5. Fremantle
  6. Richmond
  7. North Melbourne.
  8. Port Adelaide
  9. Sydney
  10. The Greater Western Sydney Giants
  11. Footscray
  12. Adelaide
  13. The Meter Maids
  14. St Kilda
  15. Melbourne
  16. Brisbane
  17. Essendon
  18. Carlton

As you can see he still has lucid moments and we can only hope his beautiful mind is not completely unravelling.  And before you ask, we picked up the clue on Pooncarie and rang the Pub.  He’d been there all right; he’d been camping in a bend downstream from Bindara Station and had come in to use the Pub’s WiFi.  They said he’d moved camp several days ago saying he might head north.  He drove off west toward Tandou Lake.  And that’s all we know.  If anyone comes across news of his whereabouts we’d love to hear from you – Ed



About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. And an answer came directed in a writing unexpected,
    (And I think the same was written in a thumbnail dipped in tar)
    ‘Twas his shearing mate who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
    “Wrap’s gone up the Darling fishing, and we don’t know where he are.”
    Grand to hear from you Mr Wrap. The Wedgies have been on raw carrion flesh all summer and are good things this season. Remember we had to lose one in ’05 to win in ’06. The 10 year cycle is coming around again. The Avenging Eagle and I are camping out at Yarra Bend over Easter and staying on for the GF replay the week after. Taking in the Moggies on Easter Monday at the temple. 0-2 should have the Leafblowers spluttering in a couple of weeks.
    Don’t know that we’ll get up as far as Pooncarie, but might catch up for a pot if you are around Stawell way for the Gift weekend.

  2. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Great having you back Wrapster. The Footy Almanac can have a Nellie Melba effect at times. Just when you think you’ve nothing further to contribute…

    Cats on top? Danger team? Would be very happy if my Pies finished 4th. Whorethorn will hopefully be experiencing a little wear and tear. Could be the most even one for a while. Cheers

  3. Paul Buxton says

    Steer clear of the pizza night at the Pooncarie Pub, one of the worst ever consumed by this humble connoisseur.

  4. It might be too late for the pizza warning PB. We’ve lost track of him again – Ed

  5. Great analysis Wrapster. Brave and fair. Of course you will be proven correct.

  6. Every Mad Catter I speak with is supremely confident Dips. And there’s a lot of them up there,alone The Anabranch.

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