The Wrap – Round XXII

Where Life imitates Football

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.


Friday night saw The Pies put The Cats in the bag and drop them off the viewing platform at the Yarra Falls End. On Saturday The Silvertails gave the Incoming Coach and the Chairman of Selectors the blues as they sidestepped their way to a resounding defeat against The Orangemen. The Hawks did what was expected of them down at Lonny against this year’s Sylvan Shield Holders. The Doggies bolted away from The Kangaroos with a seven goal Final Stanza. Port put paid to The Metermaids’ miserable season in miserable conditions up in Wally World. And The Striped Marvels kicked atrociously in atrocious conditions to overcome a Brave Bomber Outfit.

Come Sunday and an equally Brave St Kilda fell to The Swans in the Lakeside Trophy. The Pride of South Australia grounded the High Flying Eagles on the Picturesque Adelaide Oval. And The Fuchsias continued on their costly, losing way under the Consultancy of Coach Roos.

While he’s being credited with drawing a cool two point five bill into the coffers, the CEO with the 70’s polo-set hairdo and the eyes and expressions of a love-sick calf really hasn’t done much for the Punters & Fans and everything for the big end of town. Have we got consumer friendly pricing of tickets and at the food & beverage bars? Yes, but only at selected venues on selected billings. Have we got more free to air viewing? We won’t really know till next year. Have we got more finals’ tickets for club members? Only if you’re the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny. Have we got more of those intrusive Thursday night matches? Apparently so. Have we still got those twilight zone matches on Sunday? You betcha.

Have we the fans ever been considered in any of the negotiations with the big end of town? Ditto. You don’t negotiate the sale of a milk factory unless you’ve got a healthy milking herd. We’ve been the prime consideration in the negotiations; without us there are no negotiations. Are we going to do anything about it? Probably a lot of mooing and munching in the manger while they put the cups on us to milk us dry again.

The Essendon Faithful & his teammates gave Chappy a worthy send off on Saturday night. A True Ornament of The Game and one of the greatest Go-to Players of the modern era. Down at The Cattery they rate him higher than The Little Master. If ever The Handbags were in trouble it would be Chappy that Bomber would throw into the fray. And he rarely let him down. Vale Paul Chapman. At the going down of the Sun, we will remember you. (And a great pity he got mixed up with the wrong crowd at the end there. A farewell in the Navy Blue & White Hoops would have been more fitting – Ed) Maybe they can run him around Cat Central in one of those vintage TRs at Half Time next week Oh Masterful Re-mixer of Text.

Not sure if Skip of Skipton has kept up the Eight Point Ladder while the Wrapcave has been closed for renovations, but if he has we’ll slip it in the next Pre-Wrap.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s going to be to amongst the few after Round XXII.

The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires v The Monochrome Songsters. The Collingwood Coach stamped his authority on the team as The Monochrome Army marched out of Season 2015 to Giuseppe Verdi’s Triumphal Marza Aida. Led by Prez Everybody in a pre-match warm up, they bounced back from the humiliation of their defeat against The Rampaging Tigers last Saturday. Looking every bit like the team that stood 8&1 early in the season, Coach Figjam not only has the confidence of the Oval Office, but the commitment of his troops. They finish off their season and Round XXIII against Traditional Rivals Essendon in the gathering gloom of Sunday. As for their co-protagonist on the night, a stark reality glared out from the field. A reality so bleak that it would have cast a darkened cloud over the very soul of Flat Town. With at least a mathematical chance of making it into September for the ninth successive season, this Geelong team dug into their lockers and ran out with a handbag each. The only bright light for the future, after four knee reconstructions, was Daniel Menzel’s return. They host The Mighty Adelaide Crows for the early one next Saturday. It could have been a match to decide 8th place in September. Now it’s just another day out at Cat Central to farewell The Boys for Season 2015. And to thank such brave warriors as Stevie J, James Kelly, Jarrod Rivers, Matty Stokes & Corey Enright. All True Servants of The Club. (Jarrod Rivers a True Servant to two clubs actually – Ed) Stevie J & Corey Enright both Ornaments to The Game. With the numbers from the Glory Years dwindling, The Greatest Team of All enters a critical rebuilding phase. There’s certain sadness with it all, but these things come to pass.

The Greater Western Sydney Giants v The Only Team All Carlton Knows. If there’s a word that rhymes with Carlton and means wretched let’s have it. We tuned in to the free to air broadcast and thought we might have been a bit early and caught the tailend of the VFL match of the day. The jumpers were meaningless – although we are getting used to the non-football strip of Breakfast Point – and the footy about the same. The Giants matched their name and crushed The Persil Whites running around in the name of the Famous Old Dark Blues and have set themselves up for a crack at September in 2016. More strength to their arm. As for The Softcocks, they just didn’t want to be there. No wonder the Chairman of Selectors and the Incoming Coach were looking so glum. And indifferent. If they bring that game to The G next Saturday against The Hawks it’s going to be Restricted Viewing Only. The Leviathans have a chance to clinch Glorious Ninth when they take on The Fuchsias fresh from their belting over in The West.

The Mayblooms v The Boys From Old Fitzroy. Move along please. There’s nothing to see here. The winners have their old mates from Optus Oval next Saturday. The Bad News Bears are back under the palms to host The Bullies on the same day.

The Kangas v The Dogs. This was a Famous Victory; make no mistake. The Soupboners were on a 7-game winning streak and The Sons of The West were coming back from as far West as you can go in this country without getting your feet wet. And they got dunked while they were about it. The Roos couldn’t buy a goal early but at the Long Break were well and truly in the contest. Then the Tricolours turned on the afterburners. They sit 6th on percentage for a Home Final. Beat Brissy convincingly, which is not beyond them, and they could overcome the percentage differential – 4.6% – The Tigers hold. (Presuming The Tigers beat North – Ed) North have a similar challenge but a much wider percentage gap to make up on The Tiges – 12.3%. (And they have to beat The Tiges to catch up the game they’re behind them – Ed) The Doggies will know after Friday night just what that challenge is.

The Gliders v The Striped Marvels. The rain misted down and conditions were torrid. (Football is a Winter Game Wrap – Ed) The stage was set for a boilover when The Bombers got off to a flyer. But this was still The Last of The Flying Syringes and they were playing The New Tigers of Old. And as the jungle drum are telling anyone wise enough to listen – the Tigers of Old are B.I.T. By the Long Interval The Striped Marvels had headed the Brave Bombers – despite The Visitors’ uncanny 5.0 accuracy in the conditions – and stamped their authority on the match with a 6.4 to 2.5 Second Half. They open Round XXIII against The Norsemen in crucial 8-Point contest. The Dons close of the 2015 Toyota AFL Premiership Year Home & Away Series against Traditional Rivals Carringbush.

Gold Coast v The Power. It was crap one day and scheißehaus the next up in the national playground. And that was just the weather. The Power won and can still hold on to The Best Side Out of The Finals if they beat The Barry Crockers next Saturday. And if Rossy Lyon is true to form and rests a few stars it could well be the case. The Lions have Sydney in Sydney and will finish firmly in The Cellar. It’s been an annus horribilis for the Rockettes and one they’re going to have to put behind them. With The Other Marketing Experiments knock knock knocking on Heaven’s Door, they’re going to have to lift, because to wallow down in the doldrums is just not an option for the Appalling Football League and its board & executive. Nor for the Fans who have to stump up the ante for the stupidity and arrogance of it all.

The Pride of South Australia v The Wedgies. Does this outcome tell us more about The Spirit of Adelaide or The Flakiness of The Weagles? Since the sadness of Phil Walsh The Crows gone down to West Cost over there, beaten The Sunbeams by 7 goals, flogged The Bloods up at Moore park by 9 goals, kicked 11-22 to beat The Tiges by 6 goals, delivered a 20 goal lesson to The Peptides, held the Lions to 44 points while kicking 131 themselves, and now reversed the early result against The Weagles by a massive 113 points, albeit at the PAO in front of the Rabid Adelaide Mob. The Wedgies, after belting The Crows in The West have struggled against Collingwood, crushed The Swans over there, drew with The Gold Coast up there, were beaten by The Hawks at home then beaten their Cross Town Rivals the following week. They flogged The Dogs (And The Doggies are itching to have another go at them – Ed) and now gone down to Adelaide. This Adelaide Outfit is a team on a mission. They have a danger Game down at The Cattery next Saturday. The Eddie Eagles have The Feeling Faints over there.

The Eel Race Road Seagulls v The Lakers. This was the match that never was. The Sainters frittered away their chances. They got Adam Schneider’s fairy tale out of the way early when he kicked the first St Kilda goal, but the for the rest of the match they were just making up the numbers as their season faded to blank. They’ve been brave all year, and stiff a few times. Their six wins could easily have been 8 or 9, but it wasn’t. They’re out of The Cellar and TLSJOF can look forward to 2016. They finish off their season next Saturday across the Nullarbor against The WCE. And vale Adam Schneider, man of two tribes. He won a Premiership Medallion at Steak & Kidney and nearly won another couple at St Kilda. Lovely to watch and a Loyal Servant of both clubs. The Swanees finish off the Home & Away Series against the Gold Coast.

The Barry Crockers v The Team That Never Was. Two years with little to show for it must have put a dent in the myth of “The Premiership Coach”. Mickey the Maltster & Dennis Pagan were dismal failures at Princess Park. Dare we mention the return of the messiah at Whingy Hill? What an unmitigated and ruinous disaster that turned out to be. Coaches Hardnose, Loveridge & Hinckley have lifted teams from Cellar Dwellers to contenders in the same time. The moral here – put your faith in players and spread your money around. Hunting super coaches doesn’t work. (The jury still out on Rocket up at Wally World Wrap? – Ed) The Dockers are off to TPAO next Saturday for a match that could cost them the Minor Premiership. The Dees have one of this season’s big improvers to bring down the curtain on their Culture of Losing. (Leon Cameron could have been mentioned in that list of no-name successful coaches too, you know Wrap – Ed)

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

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