Round 5 – The Wrap: Round V


Where Life imitates Football

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.  The Tanking Rebuild starts now around at Royal Parade while around at Swan Street,  The Mighty Magpies continue their climb to respectability under Coach Figjam.

The Pussies put paid to any thought that The Striped Marvels were really The Tigers Of Old in polyester vests.

The Desperate Doggies led at every change and held out The Bloods in a thriller at Moore Park.

The Q-Clash got very lopsided after the First Huddle as The Ablettless Sunbeams slaughtered The Lions.

The Ruthless Mustard Pots continued on their not so merry way as old rivalry was re-ignited in their emphatic win over The Soupbones.

And to complete the Saturday dance card, The Screaming Eagles quartered The Orange Giants and then sliced some more.

Come Sunday and Freo gave The Dees the old Heave Ho and Port proved supreme in the XXXVIIIth Showdown.

But it was The Saints v The Marshmallows who gave us the Close One. The Scum prevailed eventually, without bringing home anything more than the four Points.

How many Friday night games has Carlton been given?  Crikey, no wonder they’re rubbing their hands together around at Video Easy & Blockbuster.

And here’s The Skip of Skipton 8-point Ladder as she sits at the end of Round V.  (Better check it out Skip. He can be a bit distracted ater a Richmond loss – Ed)

FREMANTLE                       34

COLLINGWOOD                30

WEST COAST                      27

FOOTSCRAY                       26.5

HAWTHORN                      26

SYDNEY                               24.5

ADELAIDE                          23

Essendon                         22


Port Adelaide                      21.5

GWS                                     21.5

Richmond                            19

North Melbourne               17.5

Melbourne                           17.5

St. Kilda                               11.5

Geelong                               14

Gold Coast                          13

Carlton                                10

Brisbane                              1.5


Cream can rise to the top very quickly when there’s Eight Points at stake, eh?  And it can sour just as quickly.  The Sick Man of The Competition is obviously Brisbane and it makes the Appalling Football League’s decision to establish two teams up under the palms look very very stupid.  (Not to mention counter-productive –Ed)

Not much chance of anyone from the Family Club picking up a Robbie Flower nomination in the immediate future.  And what an example their leadership group is delivering to all those kiddies running around in the GoldenBrown on matchday and at Auskick on Saturday morning.  First it was the coach who king hit an over excited Port Adelaide fan, then their Captain landed a forearm jolt Dirty Dick Raines or Chief Little Wolf would have been proud of.  Not to be outdone, their Vice-captain got into the act with the sort of round arm that cost Tyrone Vickery his career.  (You saying that Hawthorn matches should be scheduled for a 9.30 timeslot and given a PA rating Wrap? – Ed)  What I’m saying is that both on-field incidents deserved more than they’re likely to get at from the invertebrates at the Star Chamber.

Here are some stats for you.  On Friday night at The G Carlton kicked six goals.  In Perth on Saturday night Josh Kennedy kicked 6, and in Adelaide on the Sunday Eddie Betts kicked 5.  Yes, Nurelle, they both once upon a time played for Carlton.

But enough of my gabbin’.  Let’s see who buzzed the hive in Round V.

The Miseries v Carringbush on The Paddock That Grew.  Good Lord, where do you start Wrappers?  Was this the most lamentable display of Softcock Football you’ve ever seen, or was it the most lamentable display of Softcock Football you’ve ever seen?  If that’s doing it for The Gipper, they certainly can’t hold him in high regard.  But this is not the first time over the last few years that The Silvertails have turned in such an insipient performance, albeit that this was arguably their most pathetic impression of The Famous Old Dark Blues we’ve witnessed for some decades.  We can’t provide a full match report because, to be quite honest, we were following the antics of Blakey, Stan & Jack after half time.  Did we miss anything?  Apart from more of the Massacre on The Park playing out at the MCG?   The opening scenes were sickening enough.  Not since Billy Graham’s crusade in the late 1950s have we seen such messianic theatre at the G.  I mean really, dimmed lights, the extended family, the smoke machine?  I’m not sure how St Peter’s going to take all that self-promotion when the time comes to evaluate Mick’s worthiness for eternity, but surely Mick would have to be at the end of a very long queue of more worthy supplicants.  Surely.  If that wasn’t enough, we had to endure Bruce’s half time interlude.  His interview with Mick, with the Vaseline around the rim of the lens, was totally gut-wrenching.  (It made me heave too Wrap – Ed)  The Triple Premiership Coach looked like he was made up for the funeral parlour.  As the guest of honour.  Fair dinkum, the Vass should have been around the outside of the lens and it should have been used effectively on the pair of them.

In all honesty, there’s only one thing left for Mick to do now that he’s passed Jock McHale’s game-coaching record, and that’s walk into the sunset muttering It is a far far better thing that I do than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.  (I think it was up a scaffold, not into the sunset that Sydney Caton stepped Wrap – Ed).  Hanging would be too good for him Oh Worthy Tinkerer of Text & Tense.  He bullshitted his way into the Carlton Football Club, shafting another coach to do it.  And a Respected Bluebagger at that (Now a respected Hawker – Ed).  He asked for – and got – a rajah’s ransom as a package and promptly installed his own chummy coaching crew. Since that fateful day his pronouncements have been all over the place like a burst bag of wheat.  First The List was September Ready and he was going to Take It To The Top.  Then there were a series of changes of direction until at the beginning of this season when, through azure coloured glasses, Mick assured us he couldn’t see a Home&Away match his Beloved Blues could lose.  Four rounds in and he’s pledging to lead the Re-building Program.  Pledging to re-build what his wrecking ball has created.  We steel ourselves around here in the Wrapcave from the backlash for spoiling the party, but you’ve got your record Mick, and your moment of glory; now it’s time for some reality.  Without taking anything away from your past coaching record, you’ve not only taken Carlton for a ride Old Son, you’ve taken yourself for a ride too.  (And the board of the time weren’t complicit Wrap? – Ed)  It really is time to join the Patient Ox and plough a more tranquil field.

As for Collingwood, how good are they?  They’re sitting 4-1 but have only played one side outside the bottom Conference – and that was Essendon.  Blue witches hats would have put up more opposition on Friday night.  They have The Handbags on their beloved MCG next Friday.  Carlton get another chance to trot out their Bruise-free Football on the Sunday.  It’s on The Shifting Sands of Docklands against The Bad News Bears.

The Striped Marvels v The Handbags.   The Stripped Marvels is more like it.  Coach Hardnose must be at his wits end with this mob of recidivists.  The raw talent is there, but he just can’t get them to play Decent Football, and after all, that’s what they’re paid to do.  (And it’s what he’s paid to do too, remember Wrap; get them to play Decent Football – Ed)  Let’s not get the knives out too early Oh Wondrous Wordsmith, he got them firing last season after 13 rounds of Bullshit Football.  Five behinds in the Opening Stanza is match-losing Footy, pure & simple.  All day they were either chasing leather or Geelong Jumpers.  They had a couple of effective terrorists all day, but too many of The Tiger’s elite midfielders accumulated stats that had little impact on the outcome.  In fact, in far too many cases they had a negative impact.  No second prizes for guessing who the two main culprits were, and continue to be each week.  It’s just a couple of the head-problems they have around there at Punt Road, but they’re the main ones.  Once Coach Hardnose and Development Coach Chokko Williams solve that conundrum we’ll all see a different Tiger Outfit run out on game day.  It’s heart wrenching for TLSPRF to watch as their team continually win, or at worse, break even in most of the KPIs yet can’t convert that effort on the scoreboard.  As for The Moggies, they can take the Four Points back down the Geelong Road, but not much else.  That they, while not ‘just falling in’, lost control of the match in the Second Half and could only notch up 12-13 on a perfect Autumn day for Football against mediocre opposition must be a worry for everyone down there on Corio Bay and across the rich volcanic plains of the Western Districts.  The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires have followed the Pyramid Building Society into the annuls of times gone by.  All that’s left is the industrial wasteland of Flat Town and the echoes of the empty canteens at the Ford plant and the aluminium smelter.  They’re back at the same venue to raise the curtain on Round VI.  They have drawn Friday Night Specialists Collingwood.  The Tiggers are down to the home of Royce Hart to take on The Rebounding Kangaroos for the early one on Saturday.

Steak & Kidney v The Sons of The West.  The Dishlickers jumped away smartly and clearly demonstrated they have the capability to feature in September.  The Tricolours have regained their Bulldogs Roaring & Bulldogs Biting brand of Footy and despite being overhauled in the closing stages, regained the lead and held out The Homeside for a Famous Victory.  On another glorious Sydney-weather day, The Swans looked anything but Top Four Contenders.  True, the conditions didn’t help, but surely they train in them.  They brought an error-riddled game that’s going to bring them unstuck whenever they meet an honest hardworking blue-collar Footy side.  And make no mistake, The Luke Beveridge trained Junk Yard Dogs are all of that, and more.  There’s a touch of class about the likes of Liam Picken, Luke Dahlhaus & Marcus Bontempelli.  (And let’s not forget Robert ‘Bob’ Murphy – Ed)  They have The Feeling Faints at the traditional time on the untraditional ground.  The Lakers are down to THOF for a Saturday night encounter with The Satans.

The Metermaids v The Brisbane Bears.  The Suns notched up their first Rocket Propelled win and displayed a bit of what they can do when they put their minds to it, but there was nothing fearful to come out of the contest, least of all any threat that Brisbane are going to fire anything more than a popgun this season.  Nothing fearful that is unless you’re either a member of the Game Promotion Department at Jellymont House, or have been commissioned to balance the Appalling Football League budget.  (Or in charge of driving the monetary equalization scheme from under the same roof, and those poor TV executive saps who shelled out billions for the right to broadcast this meaningless Footy – Ed)  It can’t be too long before there’s a move to bring Brisbane down to Melbourne and spend $100m doing up the Iconic Brunswick Street Oval as their home ground.  They could even play their away games in Brisbane Bears jumpers as a mark of respect for their origins.  They have The Miseries under cover for the early one next Sunday.  The Metermaids host The Pride of South Australia at the ridiculous time of 5.10 on Saturday.  (They may be billed against Te Titans – Ed)

The Kangaroos v The Hawker.  With the Autumnal Glory dappling the lawns and nature strips of the Leafy East, the insidious snarls of seventy thousand Leafblowers reverberated around Ethelred Stadium on Saturday night.  North Melbourne have made a fair account of themselves this season, but The Mayblooms turned The Shinboners into soup bones with an awesome display of The Way We Play At Hawthorn.  There’s no other way to describe it.  It was violent, but the Paid-up Proud & Passionate are no strangers to violence.  They honour amongst their Walhalla roll such heroes as Conan The Barbarian, The Hood, Lethal Leigh and The Big Dipper.  (Wally Curran, Des Dickson & John Kennedy Snr weren’t shrinking violets either – Ed)  It was slick too, and they’re no strangers to that either.  But most of all it was clinical.  As clinical as last year’s Grand Final Victory over The Swans.  Whoever wants to unfurl the 2015 Pennant above their grandstand next year will have to defeat Hawthorn for the honour.  As for The Soupboners, they didn’t take a backward step all night, but they were dreadfully exposed.  They’ll need to lift for The Tigers when they drag them down to play in the shadows of Mt Wellington early next Saturday.  Greater Western Sydney, straight from their pasting in Perth, have invited The Mustard Pots up to Spotless Stadium in the gathering gloom of Saturday.

WCE v GWS.  Move along.  There’s nothing to see here.  Although two points that could be made.  The Eddie Eagles held The Visitors to one solitary point in the Second Half, while only kicking 9-8 themselves.  And in the same match Nic Nat Nui only scrambled eight possessions for the whole match.  He’s either injured, in which case he shouldn’t be playing.  Or he’s passed his prime, in which case he shouldn’t be played.  Another point that could be made is that 34,554 paid to watch this lopsided debacle.  And it would be pretty safe to say there wouldn’t have been more than half a 747-load turn up from the Breakfast Point Heartland.  Maybe they could change their name over there to The West Coast Ghouls.

The Redlegs v The Mauve Miasma.  From Demons to Flowerpots in seven days.  The Jeckll & Hyde Fuchsias crumbled under The Relentless Docker’s pressure.  No shame in that in itself.  They won’t be the last that go down in a screaming heap against this Ross Lyon Team on a Mission.  But it was the way they folded that had the Consultant Coach wondering what he had to do to fire this mob up.  He gets his chance next Saturday night when his Beloved Fuchsias take on The Lakers OTR at The G.  The Dangerous Dockers host the equally lacklustre Dons at Domain Stadium at the same time.  Not sure Nurelle, but I think it’s that open space between the Fawkner Club and the Prince Alfred Hospital.  (Domain Stadium is the new Home of WA Football Wrap.  Don’t you two ever read those pre-season briefing notes I send you?  Apart from that, the Fawkner Club has been a bistro and gentleman’s rooms since before Jeff was President of Hawthorn Wrap – Ed)

The Junction Oval Seagulls v The Flying Syringes.  Doesn’t your heart go out to Adam Schneider and Nick Riewoldt?  One given a chance to reprieve an unforgivable miss from a set shot on goal with what seemed the simplest of goalsquare snaps – both of which missed.  Both of which, deep in the Final Stanza, would have sealed a Famous Victory for the team playing in the Old Imperial Colours of Der Kaiser.  As heart wrenching as such a narrow loss against a Traditional Rival was for The Long Suffering Junction Oval Faithful, they can be bolstered by the knowledge that they’re on the track to respectability.  As for their opponents, there must be some deep concerns out there at Melrose Drive.  Sitting at Glorious 9th with three wins from five outings and a less than impressive percentage of 98.2%, they have trouble seeing out a full game.  This has been an Essendon failing for some time now, we can only guess as to what’s causing it.  (They keep winning the close ones Wrap; that’s what good teams do you’re always saying – Ed)  Since the extract of pregnant reindeer essence has been disproved as a cause, should Doc Reid & his medical team be considering the proximity to all that jet fuel?  Who knows?  All we know here in the Wrapcave is that they have a trip across the Nullarbor next Saturday night to take on the Purple Haze.  Good luck with that Hirdy.

The Pride of South Australia v The Power From Port.  One team has 25 scoring shots, the other has 26.  The margin is 24 points.  The team that had fewer shots on goal won the match.  If a goal is worth six points and a behind is worth one point, what were the final scores?  We’ll accept both BKIBF, and if you kick more goals than the other side you’ll win more games than you lose as correct answers.  The Crows just couldn’t buy a goal and at one stage while The Tealers piled on seven straight.  But just how do they do it at Port?  Their uncanny accuracy is mesmerizing.  It’s not that they give their forwards such easy shots that they can’t miss.  Some of their majors would make anybody’s  highlight reel.  And they do it week after week.  They’re back at TPAO when they turn off the hot water in the showers for The Screaming West Coast Eagles next Sunday evening.  The Free Settlers are off to Wally World for the Metricon ride right at that time when the fruit bats wend their way from rookery to orchard.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Skip of Skipton says

    SYDNEY 25.5 (118.3)*
    FOOTSCRAY 25.5 (104.8)*
    GWS 21.5 (103.9)
    Port Adelaide 21.5 (96.7)
    Richmond 19
    North Melbourne 17.5 (90.6)
    Melbourne 17.5 (81.8)
    Geelong 14
    Gold Coast 13
    St. Kilda 11.5
    Carlton 10
    Brisbane 1.5

    I went back through the records as far as 1964 looking for a team with a worse start to their opening five games than Brisbane, but couldn’t find one.

    Might be best to merge them with Gold Coast. Put BBFFCBLGCS across the back of their jumpers and everyone should be happy.

    *Footscray earned 5.5 points, Swans 2.5 from that game.

  2. Peter_B says

    Hey Mr Wrap, I give Nic Nait 3 votes and you reckon he’s past it? His ruckwork and pressure set the tone for the rest of the Eagles and was fundamental to our domination of mini minors. A student of the game like yourself should know better than to rely on Champion Data for best players. I mean Dusty got 32 inconsequential touches for the Striped Marvels. Come on it’s time to name names down at Punt Road, none of this “no second prizes for naming the 2 main culprits” cop out. I would have thought you had 22 contenders plus the coach, so don’t keep us guessing.
    Anyway its good motivation for miscreants. I put Wellingham, Hill and Butler on the ‘never to be played again’ list a fortnight ago, and they have starred since. Just shows I’m not the only one scared of the Avenging Eagle’s wrath. Cheers.

  3. daniel flesch says

    Thank you , Mr. The Wrap for reviving memories of “Delicate” Des Dickson . You might be pleased to learn – if you don’t already know – one of his admirers was Captain Blood , no less. And , sadly , they don’t make nicknames like that anymore.

  4. The Wrap says

    Thanks for that Skip. It’s an impossible task keeping himself on his medication – Ed.

    Mr B, a young fella like that should have notched up 20+ possessions in such a lopsided match, nd in a scoreline like that he should have kicked at least a couple of goals.

  5. Wrap – would question whether the Tiggers have the raw talent. I think that is largely the problem – over stated talent!

    Cotchin is a Rolls Royce with a Datsun engine at the minute. And as for the saviour (Dusty), well anyone who needs to wear a shirt and tie to cover up the ink needs to HAGHLAT.

  6. The Wrap says

    I presume you were at the match on Saturday Dips. Geelong played as good as they could (albeit minus Clark & Bartell). The Tigers didn’t. Another of your 2015 lives used up O’Donnell. That’s two in five games. The Handbaggers got out of gaol again. But enough yesterday’s men.

    The Tigers’ have two major shortcomings – one off he field and one on the field. And they’re both above the shoulders. And they’re both linked. If you were at the match, you may have seen Martin run from the City end outer back flank – after delivering the ball by hand to a teammate – diagonally across to the Members forward flank at the Punt Road End. If he was chasing an opposition in possession you’d say – Go Dusty, great effort. But he wasn’t. He was following the ball for a return handball. Why not run down through the wing and create a loose man on the outer forward flank at the Punt Road End? Less travel, and certainly a better option to stay outside the encircling Geelong defensive corral to receive a pass and take a shot on goal.

    So who’s teaching them their ABC of Football down at Punt Road? Or are they so damn dense that nothing sinks in? If the teaching isn’t working, who do you change? The student or the teacher? Look what Professor Beverage has achieved at Whitten Oval. My guess is that it’s Chokko that is the lead in the saddle bag in this scenario.

    There Mr B, I’ve named one. I think you’ll find Dips named the other one.

  7. You make a fair point Mr Wrap – its OK to have coaches but what are they coaching?

    The Cats were 5 goals better than the hapless Tigers but Kersten missed 2 chances to put us 7 goals up. No lives used up there. There is improvement at Geelong (albeit not Premiership improvement) and probably some at Tigerland too. But not enough to satisfy the insatiable followers.

    Meanwhile Sir Frank’s team used up about 8 lives in their 2 point thrashing of the Saints.

  8. Phillip Dimitriadis says

    Terrific Wrap, Wrapster. Loved the wrestling references ‘Forearm Jolt’ a beauty. I thought I was hard on Mick, but you take it to another level. You reap what you sow I guess.

  9. The Wrap says

    Those margin-creating goals came in two bursts of football Dips, just like the Elimination Final against North last year. In this case it was enough.

    Sure it works well on the scoreboard, but it leaves you exposed against a better side than Richmond. It will be interesting to see how you stack up over the remainder of the season. You still looked very good when you controlled the ball, but that 100 minutes of control of the Glory Days was missing. The question is, is that a sign that The Cats are fading, and the bursts of Good Footy are residual, or is it a sign The Cats are getting it back together?

    The Football Gods have something special in store for The Scum in Season 2015.

    Those whom the gods destroy, they first make proud.

  10. The Wrap says

    You have to look at his ungracious and ungrateful exit from Victoria Park too Phillip. He’s behaved like a proper pratt over the last decade.

    And how Lewis got off with two weeks is beyond me. He has form, although he hasn’t been up before the beak for a few seasons. It was deliberate, and it was late. We’ll never know, but the execution may have belied the intent, hence, the minimal damage. Thank your lucky stars Jordan.

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