The Wrap: Round 13: Hawks’ defence over and Bailey looks gone

By John Mosig

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The body bags draped in Navy Blue were lined up along La Via Lygon on Saturday morning.  You knew it was a big funeral when you noticed Mick Gatto amongst the mourners.  Carringbush monstered another 7 stone weakling on Saturday Arvo in Melbourne while The Mighty Adelaide Crows consolidated their September Credentials against The Hapless, and soon to be BBBBarryless, Swans.  Over in The West on Saturday night we witnessed the end of The Mayblooms’ 2009 Title Defence and up under The Palms it looked ominously like the end of Dean Bailey’s coaching career.

Come Sunday and the Feeling Faints did what had to be done against a RICHMOND outfit that was all at sea.

Did you notice anything different at Auskick on Saturday morning?  At our ground each group commenced their session with the favourite old hymn Keep Your Bomber Side Up.  How ecumenical can you get?  However, we noticed no prayers for the bereaved along La Via Lygon.

Last year we gave you RICHO as a both way bet on The Brownlow.  This year look no further than Diddums Didak.  You wouldn’t know what they feed them out at his Chapter of The Hells Angels, but it’s certainly working.

Don’t you wish Doubtful Thomas would keep his mouth shut?  After falling foul of the Awful Football League for umpire bashing he gave them well-deserved praise for their latest efforts.  He wasn’t on his Pat either; BBBBarry gave them the thumbs-up as well.  Sadly, these endorsements seem to have triggered an adverse reaction at Maggot Central.  Are we the only ones to notice the return of ‘Because I Can’ umpiring philosophy returning to THE GAME?

The mailbag has been a full one this weekend.  Nasty Flanagan from Darwin sent this one in.

There were some young men from the Kent*
Whose egos were terribly bent.
All Carlton was crying
It’s now we’re arriving.
But instead of coming they went.

Over in the Heart of Empire, our Sammy fell to one of the Russian Grunts, and the Baggy Green quicks tune up for The All England Foreign Legion.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who was mustard keen in Round XIII.

The Bombers v The Bluebaggers.  Well, that answers that; if Carlton were coming they’ve been and went.  Like the English summer, you’ve got to be on your toes to catch it.  But you’d think two 2nd half goals would clinch it wouldn’t you?  It probably would – if you were playing at Gillespie Road or White Hart Lane.  With the Whole Football World tuned in, The Miseries managed a shameful 2-6 to The Dons’ 13-5 in the 2nd Half.  In front of 85,407 people, they embarrassed themselves and the Royal Parade Faithful.  Mrs Wrap, with her heart in the Ammos, wanted to know if they were in danger of being relegated on that performance alone.  And we’ve said this before, there are too many piggy backing on the Captain at Princes Park.  Nick Stevens put in a shocker and must be due to have his contracted reviewed.  The Dreadlock is another.  They will still be dangerous on their day, but it looks very much as though their Juddanaught Theory is in tatters.  But you knew The Gliders were going to get off the ground when that master of legerdemain, Pretty Boy Lloyd, with a fistful of his opponent’s Jumper threw a hand in the air, popped his eyes and was awarded the free.  The Football Gods overruled the decision and the resultant shot on goals drifted wide for a minor score.  But the stage was set.  For 1½ quarters it was tight with The Miseries seeming to gain the ascendency when Mrs Watson’s Little Boy Jobe had to leave the field when he rolled an ankle.  Then bang, The Essendon Mosquito Fleet switched on the after burners.  With Welsh covering Judd, and the help of a couple of very fortunate 50m penalties, the Rolls Royce Merlins roared full throttle into attack as The Fleet tore the heart out of Carlton.  Thankfully they waited till the 2nd Half and the kiddies were in bed, for this was horrifying in its sheer ruthlessness.  And are there those among us – men and women of compassion – who see the justification given for this massacre – Overbearing Silvertail Arrogance – as an over reaction?  (I told you there wouldn’t be anyone Wrap – Ed)  Cartoon get to pack their bags and slip aboard the Indian Pacific bound for Port Fremantle.  The Mosquito Fleet?  They refuel for another Friday Night Pipeopener against another Traditional Rival: Carringbush.

The Woodsmen v The Anchormen.  The Maggies collected the percentage and the Four Points on offer here.  And They’ve obviously been reading the Bruce Andrews Hints and Advice on How to Play Football.  Their 10-4 Last Quarter could have been, and deserved to be a 12 or 14 goal extravaganza.  This was some of the most awesome Football this column has witnessed.  True, Freo had started to Flake by that stage, but they were still out there in body.  And doesn’t Brad Dick know how to play THE GAME?  Can’t you just see him at 14, endlessly practicing those blind snaps in the gathering gloom with his mates?  And haven’t the crowd adopted him?  Mrs Wrap wanted to take him home and get a good feed into him.  He had The Black&White Army in ecstasy as The Woodsmen stormed home with a wet sail.  It was a total monstering and it’s clear they intend to take no prisoners.  They can expect anther good crowd at The G for Friday night’s clash against Essendon.  And they can expect more resistance.  Heaps more.  The Barry Crockers weren’t all that bad for ½ a game.  They recovered from a disastrous Open Stanza and were competitive in The Championship Quarter, but once they heard the mournful whistle of the Indian Pacific building up a head of steam the homesickness became too much for them.  They have a much easier task next round when they host Round XIII’s Biggest Loser.

The Pride of South Australia v The Loyal Sons.  The Chardonnays had trouble extracting the cork for ½ a game.  Once they did we saw some Champagne Football flow.  It wasn’t a high scoring game, something that used to suit both sides.  Once the Crows gave away the attrition, which they were losing anyway, and picked up their new game plan it was good Night Nurse fror The Bloods.  And for The Bloods’ 2009 Campaign.  With the full enormity of The Western Sydney Inventions looming over them, host another troubled team in North Melbourne.  And they’ll probably have to manage without BBBBarry Hall for a few weeks as well.  And didn’t Bazza’s little number sum up where Sydney’s at?  They need a good pull through and Richard Colless and Coach Roos will be well aware of that.  The New Look Crows will take more Self Belief from this match.  Dangerfield, when thrown on the ball, turned the contest on its head, but while there was the resilience we have come to love about Neil Craig sides, there was a flexibility that is adding to the sum of the parts.  Keep an eye on The Free Settlers.  They may not be rady to go all the way yet, but they’ll be there in September.  They have THE TIGERS up at Carrara next round.

Brisbane Lions v The Fuchsias.  Hearts can’t Beat True if your team hasn’t got a pulse.  And that’s about it from Casey Fields for this season.  Something will have to be done about it.  Moving them to Western Sydney would be an option.  And you’d be temped to ask how far Casey Fields are from Springvale wouldn’t you?  It was a percentage builder for The Lions.  They rocketed to 109.82%, only to find The Maggies had built their 109.43% to 116.33% on the back of their Slaughter of The Anchormen.  The Fuchsias face Hawthorn’s Conquerors at THOF next weekend.  The Bad News Bears have The Chokers in the shadows of Mt Lofty.

The Coasters v The Squawkers.  The look on Brad Hodge’s face at the Final Siren said it all.  He looked relieved that it finally all over.  That they could forget about consuming gallons of the sickly barocca every Tuesday & Thursday night.  Now Little Hawkers everywhere can start planning their September school holidays without the anxiety of wondering if they’ll be palying in Adelaide or Brisbane.  They have some problems around there at Ausdoc Oval.  In fact if you think back they’re not dissimilar from the problems they had before there 2008 blossoming.  Example?  Look no firther than Ruckmen Taylors antics on the field.  Gratuitous is one word that springs to mind.  There’s no need for the things he comes up with.  They’re a long way from helping the team effort, yet he continues to do them.  Or more to the point, is allowed to continue to do them.  Hawthorn, your pre-season starts now.  But let’s move on from yesterday’s men.  How about Springheel Nick?  Didn’t he bring the 31,441 to their feet with three iconic goals?  They’ll be showing them as part of his Brownlow Presentation footage when the time comes.  He’s the new face of Aerial Ping Pong and another the Mothers of Melbourne will just adore.  Not a mean streak in him and that little boy lost look will have them falling over themselves to wash his Footy Gear and make him casseroles.  The Coasters are off to The G for a meeting with fellow cellar Dweller Melbourne next time the Tribes meet.  The Hapless Mayblooms continue their sorry journey through 2009 with a meeting under cover with a team coached by one of Glenferrie Oval’s Favourite Sons: The Sons of The West

The Handbags v The Chokers.   at The Cattery on Sunday.  The Moggies are unchanged.  The Power has dropped one and lost the other Motlop.  Salopek has been omitted as well.  Let’s not waste a lot of clichés on this one.  Geelong.

North v West at The G on Sunday.  The question is, has Caretaker Coach Crocker found a hidden cellar of The Famous Elixir?  Even then, will it help?  Maybe and yes.  But will it help enough?  No.  The Doggies have a sniff and know that percentage will be everything come August.  The Sons of The West for ours.  And they’ll kick The Sweep.

St Kilda v RICHMOND.  This was a seesawing game woth each side winning two quaertewrs.  RICHMOND held the much vaunted St Kilda attack goaless for the Opening Stanza.  And to show there were no hard feeelings, The Feeling Faints returned the favour and held THE TIGERS scoreless for the next rtwo.  Then THE TIGES weon the last.  And managed to go down by // points.  This was a lamanetable disopaly, and maybe not the hit out Rossy Lyon would have liked for his charges before the match we’ve been waiting for since around Round VII.  But THE TIGES aren’t all that bad.  To waqtch The Saints squeeze the life out of them was like watching an anaconda crush one of those capybara thingamajigs on a David Attenborough nature show.  Nothing violent like a lion kill.  No desperate wild eyed flight.  No flaying legs as the prey is pulled to the ground.  Just a slow crushing of the spirit and a total capitulation.  And that’s about where RICHMOND are at the moment.  In fact it’s doubtful they’d beat a team of capybaras the way they’re playing.  It doesn’t get any better for them next round: Adelaide up at Carrara.  It’s hard to imagine many of TLSPRF bothering to make the effort.  A trip to Dream World, sure.  But not to witness more of what their team dished out last night.  For The Junction Oval Seagulls it’s The Pivotonians under cover.

* The Kent is a fashionable watering hole in Rathdowne Street, North Carlton, which is popular with Carlton footballers.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

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