The Wrap Report – May Edition



For the Philosophical Marngrook Follower

Still no luck Wrappers. We’ve had what could be sightings from Fowlers Gap, Milparinka & Tibooburra, but no confirmations.   The closest we’ve got is a snap taken outside the Milparinka Pub.  The reports suggest he’s doubled back and is following the Silver City Highway north.  The only real clue has been a battered leather satchel the Flying Doctor picked up from a fossicker at Bollards Lagoon airstrip.  It was stuffed with old sun-bleached broadsheet editions of The Sage written over in red texta.   There had been an attempt to erase the date of the actual edition, however, under scientific examination the date was established: 28th September 1980.  Attached to the satchel was an airway’s tag that read, ‘to find solace in despair is the desert’s reward’ on one side, and on the other, ‘would the finder please return this bag to the Wrapcave, C/o nearest capital city.  The fossicker said he’s come across the brief case when he was explored out along the Yandama Creek.  There were signs of a deserted campsite set amongst a rocky outcrop, amongst which there was one particular flat rock that at first glance appeared to be have been used as a butchering block, but on closer inspection was some sort of shine adorned with what he took to be animal bones.  There was hardly a breath of wind, yet there was an eerie moaning, as though the wind was fairly howling through the boulders.  The Old Bushie said he just grabbed the satchel and an unopened bottle of Japanese whiskey and bolted.  We’ve printed below what was written on those faded sheets.  In an attempt to get a trace on him, we’ve sent the items away to see if we can trace of his movements through a scientific analysis of them.  We can’t let ourselves give up on him, but we fear that time is running out.

Ed – May 2016




  • The Greatest Team of All – This is the one to watch. The Moggies have got their mojo working again and The Spirit of Flat Town is riding high.  The Dangerman has fitted into the Sleepy Hollow mid-field like a cold foot into an explorer sock.  With Motlop taking over where Stevie J left off and the Big Tomahawk lumbering around the forward line like a World War One tank they have a dynamic forward line that can outscore the best of them.  Backed up by one of the coolest and most experienced defences in The Competition they’re our tip for Minor Premiers by a country mile.
  • The Greater Western Sydney – Isn’t this just the fairy tale of The Season Wrappers? A bunch of old has-beens and a list of kids, out in the Western Waste Lands of the Harbour City making history. It’s got all the markings of a Hollywood sportz movie. The Kids & The Crocksbased on a true story. How the Battlers rose from obscurity to conquer the whole country.  All good stuff, except they’ve had the pick of the recruits since they got going and haven’t had to worry about a penny; we all chipped in to pay for their wonderful exciting adventure.  But you have to admit, they did a lot of things right.  One was to get their Football Department spot-on.  Another was to let go who wanted to go and make sure they got value for them.  Yet another was to recruit the right sort of senior mentors for their Leadership Group.  Make no mistake; the Giants have arrived, and they’re going to be with us for some time.  They may have the dumbest Club Song in The Competition and Jumpers that look like high vis vests on a railway gang, but they’ve got a bagfull of Round 1 Draft Picks and all the arrogance blind confidence of youth.  If they keep turning in the exciting Football they’re doing and the crowds will come.  They’ll come.  They’ll come.  At least that’s what they keep telling themselves around at Jellymont House.  Even if no one from Jellymont House ever goes themselves.
  • The Bloods – here in the Wrapcave we’ve been trying to write them off for ages.  So have the Appalling Football League.  They’ve cut their living away from home allowance, compromised their draft options and, if not actually bad-mouthing them, have not been generous in their terminology when discussing the Blue Collar Swans and their style of play.  But they keep on keeping on.  Their youngsters have stepped up to the line, and any team with Buddy Franklin running riot is going to win more games than it loses.  But therein lies their Achilles heel; they’re Buddy happy when they attack.  If he gets beaten the ball comes straight back.  And they’re getting a bit creaky down back if they don’t control the midfield.   The Tiges put a dint in their Invincibility when they exposed both vulnerabilities.  We’ve got them at 3rd, but are prepared to revise this.  They’ve got TRP next Friday night.  A season defining game for both Mobs.  Should South Melbourne go down the may keep going down
  • Footscray – The Doggies are scoring big and seem to have got over the on-field loss of their Spiritual Leader. And in case you’ve missed it, they’ve got the 2nd best defence in The Competition.  Second to The Greatest Team Of All, and then only by 3 roast joints.  Nine of their remaining 14 matches are very winnable.  Their clash with The Orangemen up there will tell us a lot next week.  A lot of connectivity between the two clubs.  It’s Bruce & The Velvet Fog doing the call on Saturday arvo.  Libber’s making up for lost time, and the discussions on early Tuscan poetry between he and The Leviathan Captain should be interesting.  Be worth taping this one if you’re already committed to kids sport or that regular round of golf on Saturday.  These two teams will be going deep into September.
  • The Mayblooms – Not playing the most consistent Football, but still a dangerous combination. Here we are, facing Round IX and The Squawkers have barely got their percentage in the black.  In fact they’re Glorious 9th on percentage, just above Port Power.  They’ll want to beat the Swans on Friday night to re-launch their season.  Lose and they’ll be wintering with the Werribee ducks.  They seem to be falling down in the midfield.  Engineroom drive is everything.  Just ask The Long Suffering Punt Road Faithful how their side’s performance has improved since they moved Vlastuin into the centre.  It’s hard to talk them down, but they’ve been torn apart twice already this year and had to Ride The Bumps With A Grin on three occasions against committed opposition.  Living on reputation alone at this stage.  (And spectacular quarters of Football that have been blowing the Opposition off the Park – Ed)
  • The Shinboners – a bit ahead of themselves, you’d have to say. North have their moment of truth over the next few months.   How does this look like for a fixture from Hell?  The New Look Blues.  The Tigers on a mission down in Hobart.  The Moggies away.  The Hawks & The Swans twice.  The Crows & The Eagles on the road.  The Pies – phew.  The Feeling Faints.  The Dogs away and The Giants under cover.  Arrivederci Soupboners.  We can see four should-wins in that line-up, which would give them 12 wins.  But they have a lowly percentage of 123 even though they haven’t been headed, and there’s a few potential hidings in that list that won’t help their for & against ratio.  If they’re as good as eight straight wins suggest they should win a few of those tough matches.  But blink and they’re mothballs.  They’ve lost Shaun Higgins for a good part the season already remember.
  • Adelaide – are The Crows the real thing? Probably only out at West Lakes.  They’ve played a few of the September Contenders and have been thereabouts, but thereabouts is not good enough at the Top End of The Ladder.  Here in the Wrapcave we’ve got them as a commendable effort but room for improvement.  Will win enough at home to make it through to the Spring
  • West Coast – Exposed for the carrion scavengers that they are. Not up to the mark of the big boys.  Last year they proved they were in out of their depth on The Big Stage and nothing seems to have changed.  Have an easy fixture, and could do better than 8th if North run into a brick wall, but just there to make up the numbers from what we’ve seen of them so far this season.
  • Port Adelaide – not the same cat they were a season or two back when they monstered The Striped Marvels and ran The Eventual Premiers to a close run thing in one of the Penultimate Finals. They seem to have lost the energy tablets along the way somewhere, and like Mary’s lost lambs, they don’t know where to find them.  Their loss to Carlton would have been embarrassing.  They seemed to have to match stitched up.  What ever happened to Never Stop, Stop, Stopping Till They Were Drop, Drop, Dropping?  The Alberton Oval Faithful will be asking that very question, no doubt.  Sadly, the Coach will be pondering the same conundrum.  There’s no answers leaping off the page that we can see.
  • The Redlegs – isn’t it funny? St Kilda & Melbourne are at about the same stage of development.  The Demons have had millions poured into them from the vault deep in the bowels of Jellymont House.  The Unfashionable Seagulls have been shunted from pillar to post and are down at the southern end of the Carrum Carrum Swamp.  However, for all the talk about their young and exciting list and the re-birth of Jack Who, their biggest win has been against The Fee Fi Fo Fums in the opening round.  They’ve been hot and cold since then, although they should settle as the season goes on.  Or run out of steam.
  • Silvertails – undoubtedly The Coach of The Year has been won already. Your Tommy Hafey Medal’s in the mail Brendon.  And isn’t it good to have The Bluebaggers coming again?  It speaks volumes for looking further than the Coaches’ Carousel for your next Celebrity Mentor.  It certainly hasn’t worked at Carrara, and it’s worth has been debatable at Melbourne.  True, they’ve been competitive this season, but should we be asking ourselves if this doesn’t coincide with the mooted change over from the Consultant Coach to the Coach-in-waiting?   Back to Royal Parade.  To see The Kreuzer, Murphy & Gibbs in full cry at the same time should send a shudder through all of us.  From the only real threat to Essendon’s 2016 Coveted Sylvan Shield at the call of the card back in March, they’re sitting 4 & 4 with a softish draw.  Percentage is a worry at this stage, but the turnaround in their fortunes matches the change in their game plan & attitude.  Beware The Team That Never Lets You Down.  (Could we expect an influx of Blues Brothers membership applications? – Ed)
  • The Striped Marvels – there have been several emails pointing out that the Tigerland CEO said Punt Road could be the long term home for Women’s Football. We thank you for those, but we had seen the news item.  And just for the record, The Tigers don’t need a new coach down at Tigerland – they need a shrink.  This is pretty close to the same team that finished 5th at the end of August last year.  But they’re not on their Pat Malone in this one.  It was interesting listening to that erstwhile Football Commentator Matthew Lloyd on the way to The G for the match against The Swans.  He compiled his ins & outs list for Tigerland at the end of the season.  At least he was man enough to revise it after the game.  There’s talk of a Struggletown Revival, but there’s a lot of ground to make up, and it’s a hard road ahead.  The list is okay, it’s the application that has been lacking.  We’re prepared to reappraise the Punt Road situation as the season unrolls, but there’s improvers ahead of them with softer fixtures dint of their lower finishes last season.
  • The Feeling Faints – like a will-of-the-wisp, they’re there one week and gone the next. The sign of a young team feeling its way.  Plenty to look forward to, but frustrating for The Long Suffering Junction Oval Faithful.  They just haven’t been able to establish that winning feeling.  But it will come.
  • The Gold Coast Abletts – the Sick Man of The Competition. They’re in a mess up there in Wally World and there doesn’t seem to be a way out of it.  The Gold Coast is only half jokingly referred to locally as God’s Waiting Room.  That refers to the retired population on Golden Ponds, but could equally refer to sporting teams as well.  Soccer, basketball, rugby, The Brisbane Bears, they’re all buried in the cemetery there.  The epitaphs tell a similarly morbid legend, Greed Is Its Own Reward.  Where to from here for the Bears Mk II?  Any economic reading of the situation would quote Compass Airlines Mk I & II.  Whether there’s any economists amongst the gnomes buried deep in the bowels of Jellymont House is another matter.  But if you want to work this situation to advantage, get onto Rodney Rocket & Lepper for Coach Most Likely before the computer at Bagman Central closes the market on them.
  • Carringbush – The pronouncements from the Oval Office are coming thick & fast. From how to run the League to the construction a new mega sports facility built around the Collingwood Football Club.   But the one that half of all Collingwood is waiting for hasn’t been trumpeted.  Maybe after the final episode of The West Wing he and Bucks are planning to star in a remake of Thelma & Louise.  (With Mick filling the Hal Slocum role – Ed)  Fair dinkum Wrappers, how long can this go on?  Death by a thousand cuts and Mr Delusional claiming he’d been moved on just when he was about to establish a dynasty at the Holden Centre.  He made more sense when he was the Patient Ox pulling the Willing Plough.  At least you could use that bullshit on your tomatoes.  They’ve got some out & out stars on their list, and they’ll beat up on a few of the seven stone weaklings in The Comp, but we’re starting to go along with the Doubting Thomases at the Yarra Falls End.
  • The Bad News Bears – just when you thought The Queensland Koalas were back in the game they walk into Carringbush on a mission. But it’s more than that.  The Appalling Football League have a serious problem on their hands up there where they put the bends in the bananas.  Twin problems in fact.  The team that plays out of The Gabba is is just one of them, but just because it led The Competition into the first decade of this Century doesn’t make it any less serious than the one down the track.  Lepper looked a defeated man on Saturday night, and Lethal is persistently warning us of the financial & logistical implications of running two teams out of a region that is fiercely parochial about its sporting codes.  It’s not a good look up there under the palms.  Unfortunately for them, they’re a long way from head office and even further from everyone’s mind unless there’s a percentage booster needed.
  • The Barry Crockers – this one’s the train wreck of train wrecks. They took it up to The Leafblowers down in Lonny for half a game, but that may have said as much about TRPs state of mind in season 2016 as it did about a Stevedore Revival.  (And the number of coffee bars they called at on the way to Yawk Park – Ed)  The hummocks are a long way from The Verdant East, so scuttlebutt is neither readily available, nor easily confirmable, but you’d have to surmise that the board that gave Rossy Lyon another five-year handshake would be at loggerheads with the Knowledgeable Fremantle Supporter Base.  Injuries haven’t helped, but hey, isn’t that part of Footy?  But watch out for those Mauve Marauder raiding parties moving in on disgruntled out-of-contract Favourite Sons between now and the end of the season.  And smart investors will be backing The Bombers when the two meet for The Battle of the Number One Draft Pick.  If there’s one thing Rossy Lyon knows, it’s how to take every advantage the system will allow.

18)  The Mosquito Fleet– they’re still doing it tough out where the Big Jet Engines Roar, and while they may be doing it between gritted teeth, they’re doing it in style.  They’re getting on with rebuilding their list and seem to have re-gruntled the disgruntled, and staved off the threatened legal claims of gross dereliction of duty.  Avoiding these challenges alone would signal a successful season for The Club That Dare Not Speak Its Name.  On the field they’re watchable, if only from a Schadenfreude aspect.  However, where Maribyrnong meets the Mountains, humility is not an option.  All the signs are there that we’ll be able to hate them for a worthier reason than Bringing The Game Into Disrepute.  We’ll be able to hate them again for being the Arrogant Whinging Scum they always have been.  And that can only be GFF*.



The Flag

It’s out of Fourthorn, The Greatest Team of All, The Bloods, and The Jolly Orange Giants. And not necessarily in that order.  The Tiges showed that the Bloods are not invincible, and The Mayblooms, while not looking quite Forlorn, certainly haven’t looked frighteningly Fourthorn.  But it’s a long way to September, and they know every stepping stone and pitfall along the way out there at Dingy Dell.  Age & injuries go hand in hand, and their midfield has plenty of age on it.  SOTG have issued a be-wary notice on the Harboursiders after The Striped Marvels hauled them in at the death last Saturday.  The dark horse is actually a dark Dog of the Bulldog Breed.  Maybe not entirely deep enough for a September campaign, but Coach Beveridge has got them playing some pretty thoughtful Footy.  They can only get better.  For our here in the Wraproom it’s a Pivotonians v Giants GF.

The Coach most likely

Another month has passed. Another name has joined the list.  Sorry Lepper, but the sign at the airport didn’t help. Brisbane Coach Terminal was the first words that greeted us when we alighted from the Tiger Airlines Fokker Friendship the other day.  True, it took us to a line of Greyhound buses, but it did seem a bit eerie at first take.  To make it a double, surely Rocket must be ready to chuck his name into the hat too.  Rossy Lyon probably wouldn’t knock back a redundancy payout on a bad day, but there would be those who can see the strategy at Fremantle unfolding.  It’s a five year rebuild.  Nothing more, nothing less.  (You saying lock up your out of contact required players Wrap? – Ed)   Rossy job’s as secure as bricks & mortar.  Coach Hardnose & The Boys are locked back in their everlasting Punt Road love-in, and Bucks & Eddie may have put off their trial separation for another week.  Lepper, this may be your year.

The Fevola

Let’s go outside OGG for this month’s nomination. Let’s look at our very own home-grown Tennis Brats.  Brats may be too kind a description of them.  If we’re going to strip citizenship from anyone it should be this moronic duo.  And don’t give me any of that troubled teenager crap.  They’ve both got pafrents haven’t they?  Having $10m in the tin tank are troubles most 23 year-olds would swap their current lives for.  And handle the God given opportunity with a lot more grace & style than these two gormless goons.  Maybe it’s the isolating nature of the game.  Our international golfers don’t find it necessary to behave like spoilt six year olds.  Even our swimmers have pulled their heads in.  That’s right Bernard & Nick, you’re the joint Fevola Medal nominations for May.  You just have one task to perform to make the nominations official.  The next time you piss your family’s reputations and your Country’s Reputation against the wall, aim some of the that steaming urine into The Coveted Fevola Chamber Pot and once it’s full, tip it over your heads

The Akker Award

For the second month running the Akker Award nomination goes to the Philosopher Coach. How about this pronouncement he made on SEN?  I think when Nathan Buckley took that job over, that was his side. He had to do what he wanted to do with it.  I thought the club was on the verge of being a mini-dynasty, if you like, because it was one or the youngest premiership sides in recent history.   (He could also be nominated for the Rudd/Abbott Termite Trophy in the same breath – Ed)  You have to hand it to him, don’t you? Persistence & delusion.  It’s getting harder & harder to remember him for anything else.  (Hands up those who feel he has a point about the young list being on the verge of a dynasty – Ed)


The Bazza Award

We may have missed it on the field, but did anyone see anything worth a mention? Off the field the run-past-the-ball shirtfront of the month or king hit of the month goes again to the Philosopher Coach.  See above.

The Robbie Flower Medal – The May nomination goes to the AFL for their Community Round.  At The G on Saturday night the main lights were doused for the dedication to the Prevention of Family Violence.  Spectators lit the stands with torches like so many fireflies.  The moment was moving and the point was clearly made.  The Richmond players wore purple trimmed Guernseys which were later auctioned off to raise funds for the cause.  (Malcolm would probably have donated a few million but he’s been cleaned out by his fifty billion dollars’ worth of war toys, which are to prevent a violence that may or may not happen; and Heaven help us if it ever does – Ed)  The Tigers added value for the successful bidders by wearing them in one of the greatest last quarters of Football were likely to see this season.  The crowd was small, but The Swans had a healthy following from the remnants of the Long Suffering Lakeside Oval Faithful and the Sydneysiders who had slipped down from Sin City for the weekend to see what made Bleak City the World’s Most Liveable Metropolis.  The barracking was evenly balanced and the tension was electrifying.

* GFF – Good For Football



Pre-season Ladder

  1. Geelong.
  2. West Coast
  3. Hawthorn
  4. Collingwood
  5. Fremantle
  6. Richmond
  7. North Melbourne.
  8. Port Adelaide
  9. Sydney
  10. The Greater Western Sydney Giants
  11. Footscray
  12. Adelaide
  13. The Meter Maids
  14. St Kilda
  15. Melbourne
  16. Brisbane
  17. Essendon
  18. Carlton

April Predictive Ladder

  • Sydney


  1. Hawthorn
  2. Geelong
  3. Footscray
  4. The Metricon Marauders
  5. North Melbourne
  6. Adelaide
  7. West Coast
  8. Richmond
  9. Port Adelaide
  10. The Greater Western Sydney Giants
  11. Fremantle
  12. St Kilda
  13. Collingwood
  14. Melbourne
  15. Carlton
  16. Brisbane
  17. Essendon

May Predictive Ladder

  • Geelong
  • The Greater Western Sydney Giants
  • Sydney
  • Footscray
  • Hawthorn
  • North Melbourne
  • Adelaide
  • West Coast


    1. Port Adelaide
    2. Melbourne
    3. Carlton
    4. Richmond
    5. St Kilda
    6. The Metricon Marauders
    7. Collingwood
    8. Brisbane
    9. Fremantle
    10. Essendon


At the time of going to press we heard back from the lab. The startling news was that the ‘red texta’ on the faded broadsheet was blood.  Swan’s blood.

– Ed


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Milparinka?
    “Milparinka was once the centre of a historic mining district; today, it’s a living heritage site in a dramatic desert setting.” Living heritage site – describes you perfectly Mr Wrap.
    If you come across a wild-eyed stranger frothing at the mouth and muttering unintelligibly on your travels, its either Ludwig Leichardt, Harold Lassiter, Eddie or the Philosopher Coach. Out looking for the lost reef of dynasty gold.
    My Eagles eighth? We’ve just shifted up out of second gear and there are several more to go as we build toward October (doesn’t have the same ring to it does it?)
    What will Mike Brady do about it? “One day in October – sober? Octobber – cobber?”
    Any tips for the big race on July 2? Dollar Bill is shortening faster than Autumn days. Get on – just not with mine.
    Regards – hope they have got the generator working again so you can read this.

  2. They seek him here, they seek him there,
    They seek him everywhere.
    Is he in heaven, or is that all crap?
    That damned elusive footy Wrap.

  3. The Wrap says

    The July 2nd match is shaping as a draw Mr B. The Coalition Catfish lack an effective e engineroom, are cursed with a leadership group that couldn’t run a cold bath, and an attack that couldn’t rack up billiard cue let alone a winning score. The Opposition Orioles are making some right moves, but mainly by playing the ball across the backline to each other, and generally avoiding the contest. They have the smarter leadership group by a country mile, but their Captain has had a few trips to the tribunal, which will cost him votes when they count the them on Brownlow night. My money’s on the replay, and the side that can recruit The Xenophon Xylophones and The Galloping Greens to their cause will hold aloft The Poison Chalice for the next three years.

    As for those Wedgetailed Vultures you’ve got over there on the Western Extremity of The Fatal Shore, they’re soft track bullies. They can’t be taken seriously until they can turn in respectable performances on this side of the Nullarbor. In June, July & August, let alone September or October.

  4. Tony robb says

    To paraphrase AC-DC
    Wrap is back, wrap is baaaaccckkkk
    Insightfull as usual. Great summation

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