The Wrap: Part 2 of Round 12

By John Mosig

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The big question is out there in The Burbs, at The Family Club.  Is the Football Department about to be Jeffed?  They’re certainly playing as though they already have been.  The news came in the form of an apology from The Prez, to the many thousands of Little Hawkers weeping tears of blood at the lacklustre performance of their Beloved Mayblooms.  The other question of course is: are The Bagmen playing with fire, easing them out to $14 for The Flag?

And is Nurelle the only one who’s confused about the announcement that Fig Jam, aka Captain Brownlow, is taking up the cloth.  No Nurelle, Notre Dame is a college gridiron team in North America.  And Bucks is going over there to teach them how to play without armour.  You’d think they would have sent Juddy wouldn’t you?

Speaking of whom, the Awful Football League wants to know why the Carlton Captain was allowed to bleed all over the Shifting Sands of Docklands.  One answer would have to be that the umpires didn’t order him off.  But are we alone in enjoying yet another arrant display of Silvertail pre-eminence?

The Coaches Carousel is really getting up some revs.  Rotating faster than the family Bendix, it spun Coach Deano clean across to the other side of Arden Street during the week.  The new caretaker under The Gasometer, Darren Croker,  is well known to Shinboners from their glory days in the 90’s under Brasso.

Viewers of Footy Classified would be interested to know what was in ex-Coach Kornflakes letter to the Corinthians preaching love and an assessment of the rule changes since 1993.  One dot point would have to be the protection of the head.  Now that the player going for the ball is protected they’re all going in headfirst.  You guessed it, we’re seeing more head on head contacts.  There’s nothing bonier than the head.  Ask any Glaswegian.  RICHMOND have had two players concussed and fractured and the Juddanaught’s broken nose was a head clash.  Now we’re not talking helmets like they use at Notre dame, but surely players need some sort of head gear, such as that worn by Nathan Burke down at Moorabbin and Noel Teasdale back in the 50s & 60s.  Yeah, yeah, yeah; and by Jason Dunstal after he smashed up his face.  Better we start doing it now, before the Mothers of Melbourne wade into the issue.

And what would you say to a Robin Hood tax on the financially successful clubs to underwrite the operation of the less well managed?  Yeah,  that’s what we thought too.  Just some another of the Looney Tunes fiscal adventures dreamt up by the brain’s trust at Jellymont House.

What’s this about the ACT wanting a slice of the new Sydney club?  We’re still using the Readers Digest Atlas of Australia here in the Wrapcave.  Can someone please send us the one that shows where they’ve moved Canberra to just West of Parramatta?  Thanks, that would be great.  Everyone knew it had been moved to Kirribilli for Little Johnny Rotten so Our Hyacinth could catch the bus to the High Street, but we thought Glorious Leader had moved it back to the Monaro.

Everyone’s doing it – a mid term report card.  Not to be left out, here we go.

ST KILDA.  Excellent half yearly result reflects a change in attitude, although two recent lapses blotted copybook.  Finally meeting the high expectation of a very talented playing group.  Responding well to new House Master and on the whole has given up on bad habits and bad company.  On track and looking good.  Can recover momentum and is a quick learner.  Will collect colours for defence, midfield and attack.  Expected to do well in the September Exams and some are even suggesting this boy could be Dux.
GEELONG.  Also putting an excellent year.  Has the ability to recover when challenged and is highly regarded in the staff room.  Has a tendency to drift off in class but has handed in all assignments on time in the Opening Semester.  Will also collect colours in defence & midfield, but could try harder in key attacking positions.  Has performed well in recent September Exams and is fancied to do well again.  Jeffed out of Dux last year, could be motivated by denied destiny.
FOOTSCRAY.  Always a conscientious student but this year the improvement seems deeper.  Had a lapse early in the Semester with some wayward behaviour while on the mid semester excursion to Western Australia.  The effects of this slip have been take up and he has been in the detention book only once in the second term.  Has the ability to be Dux of school.
CARLTON.  Years of poor behaviour seems to have been put aside and new Head Prefect Juddanaught and House Master Ratts have lifted morale and performance.  Still prone to sulk up forward but overall, we’re very pleased with the progress so far this year.  Will need to improve concentration levels in 2nd Semester as small errors have been downfall on more than one test.
ADELAIDE.  A model student: never late for chapel, first on the training track, always over the books, helps housemates clean up.  Can only see this student troubled by a couple of tests in the 2nd half of the year.  Final August test could determine where this conscientious student sits in the September Exams.  Could finish up on one of the four front desks, but is expected to do well regardless.
BRISBANE.  Clearly underestimated.  Not expected to show much improvement under untried House Master Voss.  Has performed well and developed splendidly in many areas.  Has a fresh approach to problem solving and keeps head down over the books.  Will most certainly sit in September and with natural talent in all subjects, especially aerodynamics of an inflated pigskin in the forward position, is expected to make a mark.
CARRINGBUSH.  A great favourite in the playground, however tends to play wide of other students.  Suspected home troubles may be behind some of this exclusiveness.  Older brother Nathan, Uncle Mickey and Father Eddie not together on several issues and this is reflected in test results.  Tends to relish bullying weaker students but gets belted by anyone their own size.  Will probably sit for September exams but not expected to perform better than most years – moderately.
MAYBLOOMS  A most disappointing year for this boy.  Dux last year, was expected to do well again in 2009.  Has been using visits to Matron as an excuse for poor classroom performance.  Expected to pick up after father’s stern talking to over midyear break.
THE CHOKERS  If ever a boy should do well it’s Young Alberton.  Coming from a family with high expectations and a family tradition of excellence, this boy is showing signs of being deeply troubled by something or someone.  Rumours of abuse by House Master Chokko are rife.  Pocket money troubles could also be a distraction.  Has done enough in the 1st half of the year to scrape through to September but will need to improver marks and rely on others to slip in performance.
THE GLIDERS.  Making excellent progress after House Master Mumbles’ forced retirement.  Now that flat earth and windsock philosophy has been removed from the curriculum this student has improved dramatically.  Still quite a way to go to join the other boys in the September Tests but is showing lots of promise.  With most of the hard work behind him in the 1st Semester, Young Whingy-Hill could be a surprise participant in September, but more likely Glorious Ninth..
STEAK&KIDNEY.  One of the most consistent boys over the last half dozen years.  Except for a persistent wayward streak,  always a pleasure to teach.  Marks not as good as in previous years and may benefit for some summer school revisionary time.  Could, but not expected to make the September Tests.
STRUGGLETOWN.  Once one of the schools leading students, this boy has allowed himself to be distracted.  Home life has been cited as one reason.  New House Master Jade is expected to lift spirits if nothing else.  Young Richmond has exposed glimpses of true academic ability and with many of the tests in the 2nd Semester held at his favourite venue could lift his game rate to within striking distance of September.
WEAGLES.  Another victim of a troubled home life.  Once a high performing student, Young Westie fell into bad company with predictable consequences.  Records show he plays well at home but woeful when visiting.  Much work to be done here, but there are glimmers of hope.
FLAKY FREO.  Despite extra tuition, this student has never really fitted in at the school.  It is not clear if it is the home culture or the House Master’s inability to relate.  Several have been tried.  All have failed to get this boy to reach anywhere near his true potential.  Sitting in September is out of the question.
NORTH MELB.  A deeply troubled lad, Young Shinboner tries hard but just can’t get it right.  Suspected troubled home life.  Will not sit for September Finals.
THE FUCHSIAS.  Easily distracted in class and uncompetitive at sport, Young Redleg has a long way to go.  Shift to new home on the outer fringes of the mortgage belt offers a bright beginning, but not in the immediate future.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s who as we delve into Part II of Round XII

The Bombers v The Fuchsias at Docklands tonight.  The Dees have given Jack Who another chance to Meliora Sequamur and have listed the Irishman Liam Jurrah to make his debut.  Apart from that they’ve made six changes.  The Bombers have made half that, and they are the inclusion of Scragger Fletcher, Welsh and the Wunderkind.  Let’s face it, The Dons have missed old Scragger down back.  We all have.  The Marshmallows have a few impressive scalps on their belt this year.  Carlton, Hawthorn & Carlton are all Traditional Rivals.  And they’ve worried a few as well.  On the other hand Melbourne have only worried their Long Suffering Faithful.  They do a bit, but not enough.  True, they would have been flogged around the training track after their lamentable Queens Birthday display, but are we alone in thinking they use a cat-o-feather duster out there on the Fields of Casey?  Is it fair to ask – could this be their breakout game?  And who better to breakout against?  But it’s not going to happen.  Never mind the hype, Knighter will have the Mosquito Fleet fine tuned for this one.  And could we respectfully suggest that The Bagmen may need new batteries in their pockets calculator?  From what we’ve seen of both combatants this season, $1.28 looks very tempting.  The Dons.

The Bloods v The Woodsmen at Opes Prime Stadium on Saturday night.  You’d like to see Roosey’s Mob get up wouldn’t you?  He’s such a lovely bloke and he trains a bunch of lovely blokes.  Even BBBBarry is a lovable bloke.  We love him here at The Wrap.  There’s been a bit of tension up there in Sin City of late, what with all this talk of a 2nd Sydney team and falling attendances in the town where winning is everything.  The question is, how many games have The Bloods of 05 & 06 got left in them?  How deep’s the desire?  They look a bit weak down back if anything.  In as much as Carringbush look strong.  The Little Boy From Xavier College will take care of Cloke, but Deadeye Jack Anthony should be too good for Roberts Hyphen.  At the other end of the ground it all depends of Hall v Chamberlain.  If BBBBarry can get on top of the most officious maggot the game has produced in a long while he could go a long way to helping his side over the line.  O’Keefe’s hit some form and the Svelte O’Loughlin is never to be underestimated.  The Bagmen have certainly taken them seriously.  And so shall we.  We’re tempted by the draw, but we’re saying The Swans are planning to pull something extra out the bag for their distinguished guests.  It’s their last roll of the dice for 2009, and while The Pies have won three on the Stewie they have only monstered The Wiggles, The Chokers & The Fuchsias.  The Tinseltowners in a thriller.  But don’t bet on it.  And why can’t Mickey the Maltster find room for Magic Meddy in the Magpies’ line-up?

The Anchormen v The Handbags over there on Sunday.  They’ve shuffled the deck chairs around a bit and the SS* Fremantle sails with Chris Tarrant back in the offensive goalsquare.  But this one is more about who can’t get a Guernsey down at Sleepy Hollow.  They’re taking an interchange list of seven, anyone of whom warrant selection in the XXII.  Punters may argue that these are the sorts of games that teams like Geelong drop, and The Barry Crockers did run them a close thing last year over there.  And at $8.50 it’s worth a five bob dip.  But this is not last year’s Cats.  One for the rent money Mabel.  The Moggies.

*SS – Sinking Ship

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

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