The Round V Pre Wrap: “Never hit a man with glasses, and never hit a drunk. As tempting as it might be.”


For the Philosophical Marngrook Follower

Ciad Mile Failte.  And what a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Can you believe how the season’s panning out?  The Dees and the Doggies have found their Self Belief, and the Top Four – according to The Pundits – has already been settled.  The Richmond Coach is under the hammer and Carlton are officially re-building the list that was going to go through the year – according to their Record Breaking Philosopher Coach – undefeated.  The Suns appear to be setting, not rising and The Goliaths are casting a long shadow.  The Feeling Faints may be moving back up the Point Nepean Highway, at least as far as Moorabbin, and are showing every sign that they could be moving up The Ladder.  To demonstrate that they’re in the mix, The Mighty Adelaide Crows and The High Flying Eagles are producing mixed performances.  The Mighty Pies are on the up and The Cats are on the down, while The Bombers keep going around and around.  Whereas The Poor Old Lions just can’t get off then ground.

Memo for Clarko, never hit a man with glasses, and never hit a drunk.  As tempting as it might be at times.

And what’s this?  Someone wants to pay $50m each for the Australian Test Cricket Captain and the Australian Opening Batsman.  Someone’s got more money than sense.  Don’t let him out of the room till he’s signed on the dotted.  And no, it’s not James Packer.  It’s a Sub Continental billionaire by the name of Subbash Chandra.  He wants to start a global Twenty-20 competition.  If that’s what he’s prepared to pay for a couple of temperamental batsmen, both of whom regularly feature adversely in match reports – one arguably past his prime and the other a hit-or-miss proposition – what is it going to cost him to buy in enough real talent to make up a meaningful competition?  (About as much as it’s going to cost to re-build Kathmandu – Ed)

We haven’t caught up with The Skip of Skipton yet for his Eight Point Ladder.   But have you noticed the Coaches & Pundits are talking more & more about how many quarters a side has won?  How long can it be before the Appalling Football League catches on that it adds meaning to matches that otherwise would have lost meaning?  We’re going to keep on this case until we have a breakthrough Wrappers.  We reckon it’s got legs.  (That’s four legs is it Wrap? – Ed)  We’ll do the jokes Ed – you stick to what you know best.

But enough of my gabbin.  Let’s see who’s going to be buzzing the hive after Round V.

The Miseries v Carringbush on The Paddock That Grew tonight.  Here’s one for the ages Wrappers.  The Silvertails broke through for their maiden win in last week’s Anzac Day Match over in the City of Sails.  (Sure it wasn’t over in the Windy City Wrap? – Ed)  They’re helping Coach Brewery break Jock McHale’s game-coaching record, and doing it against Collingwood.  The irony won’t be lost around at Victoria Park, nor will the opportunity to make it a less than memorable outing for the Philosopher Coach.  The Woodsmen have been playing some inspired Footy and will be just too good all over the ground for The Re-building Bluebaggers.  Judd & Swan in the centre to be a highlight, but we’ve been down to Video Ezy and taken out On The Buses series II & III just in case.  The Maggies to do for Mick, and do it on the bit.

The Striped Marvels v The Handbags at The G for the early one on Saturday.  The Catters are having a miserable season and it’s only Round V.  They’ve managed to stacked up one win, and that was a cliff hanger down at The Cattery against The Winless Suns.  Their opponents haven’t faired much better.  They have dropped a couple against the improving Demons & Bulldogs, had to run down The Silvertails and monstered The Maroons up at The Gabba.  Their coach is right – they’re better than that.  They’re facing their 2015 destiny tomorrow.  We’re praying tipping that they’ll rise to the occasion.  Clark is out for The Moggies and there’s no Jimmie Bartell.  True, Sellwood & Stevie J can inspire the troops, and The Tiggers will have to contain their output.  They’re starting to say no Deledio no Richmond, and that’s at Punt Road.  With heart in mouth – The Tiges.

Steak & Kidney v The Sons of The West at the traditional time on Moore Park.  The Bullies are sitting nicely at 3-1, their only loss a belting down at Lonny.  They’re up against the other Grand Finalist from 2014 this time, and after a sluggish start, The Swans are playing Bloods’ Football.  While they haven’t been smashing anyone, unless you count the 8-goal overhauling of Essendon in Round I, they’ve clearly demonstrated they’re not a spent force.  Make no mistake, The Kennel Coughs will make a good account of themselves and canny Investors may find value on the line, but The Blood Stained Angles will prevail in this one.  And at $1.17, there’s a bit of value there too.

The Metermaids v The Brisbane Bears in the gathering sub-tropical gloom at The Metricon.  Not sure what they call this Crosstown Battle.  The of Battle The Tweed?  The Brisbane River Mêlée?  The Shootout at the  Sanctuary Cove Corral.  This season it’s the Battle for The Coveted Sylvan Shield and we’re going for The Homeside.  Not with any confidence, but the Sunbeams seem to have an edge in resolve.

The Kangaroos v The Hawkers on Saturday night under cover.  This will be a beauty.  There’s been no love lost between these two protagonists since they slugged it out in the 70s.  Both teams have been playing Good Footy and both have gone down to the Power in thrillers.  The Hawks have lost their two backline mercenaries, and have recalled Schoenmakers & Sheils.  The Shinboners have just swapped Dumont for McMillan in the side that topped The Pussies last week.  Preshil reject Toddy Goldstein is braining them in the ruck, while another of Hawthorn’s mercenaries, Big Ben McEvoy, is struggling in that department.  Will it be decisive?  The Roos have the on-ballers to capitalize, and their outside running game will create plenty of opportunities.  With Waite, Brown & Petrie as tall targets in attack, the patched-up GoldenBrown defence is going to have its hands full.  They’re going to have to outscore The Shinboners to pull this one off.  And this is where The Mayblooms appear to have the edge.  Both sides have been running win-loss, and this weekend it’s The Squawkers turn to win.  If you’ve still got those distant relloes from the Land of the Great Unwashed bludging off you after they came out to cheer the Three Lions to victory in the World Cup, take ‘em along to this one and show them that there’s more to life than a nil-all draw.  The Leafblowers in a high standard thriller.  We’re not tipping them, because they lose every time we do, but if you want a roughie, The Shinboners at $3.10 are huge value.

WCE v GWS on the western edge of The Fatal Shore on Saturday night.  Second v Eight.  And yes, it’s The Giants that are Second.  In the latest Appalling Football League experiment  – a two conferences in the same competition – the Leviathans have beaten The Dees at Starstruck Oval, The Saints on the Shifting Sands & The Suns back at Starstruck.  Their only loss being an honourable defeat against last season’s Runner’s-up.  The Wedgies haven’t been playing bad Footy; they just haven’t been playing Good Footy.  However, they should prevail here.  It will be a test for the Orangemen, and one they could well turn into a Famous Victory.  Investors should look elsewhere for secure value.

The Redlegs v The Mauve Miasma at THOF for the early one on Sunday.  Hearts Are Beating True once again with a couple of good wins under their belt but their opponents on Sunday are on a mission.  A mission from which they’ll let neither sentiment nor distance defer them.  Sorry Fuchsias, you’re not playing Richmond this weekend.  The Dangerous Dockers, however, brave investors may seek value on the line.  Salvaging a 5-goal loss would have to be regarded as a win for Roosey’s Boys.

The Junction Oval Seagulls v The Flying Syringes under cover in the late afternoon.  The Saints have a win on the board courtesy of the Gold Coast Suns, but may find themselves out of their depth this Sunday.  The Marshmallows will be smarting at their humiliation at the hands of Arch Rivals Carringbush on Anzac Day.  They’ll be without Chappy, but should be able to cover his loss adequately enough to overcome The Re-building Saints.  And at last, we have one for investors.  Did you blink too when you saw Ladbrokes had The Bombers at $1.17?  Us too.  Duck down to Cash Converters with a trailer load of those once loved domestic items and pile the lot on The Bombers’ nose.  Essendon would have to fall over to lose this one.  (As far as a Kiss of Death goes Wrap, it’s not bad, but I don’t think it’s enough – Ed)

The Pride of South Australia v The Power From Port in Showdown XXXVII.   Naturally it’s at the Picturesque Adelaide Oval.  And it drops the curtain on Round V of the Toyota 2015 Premiership Season.  The Free Settlers’ bubble burst against The Tricolours last weekend.  At the same time The Albertonians regained the momentum of last season.  Their Opening Stanza against TRP was nothing short of breathtaking.  Not that The Mighty Adelaide Crows are without their own firepower, and being a Showdown, anything could happen.  The Bagmen have The Tealers out at $1.62, which we find enormously generous.  It would suggest the Good Burghers of the City of Churches have every confidence in their representative’s chances, and have been piling it on.  We beg to differ –about their representative’s chances.  Port Have The Power To Win in The True Port Adelaide Tradition.  The Power are The Wrap Mortgage Buster of The Round.

Good tipping and even better punting.

About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. Look Wrap, I’ve been studying the form (always dangerous – Ed). Round 1 and 3 Wraps = Striped Marvels. Round 2 and 4 Wrapless = Striped Mugs. Clearly Dimma can’t be left alone in the coaches box without your sage like supervision. With your return I have my fingers poised over the cash tin ready to plunge on the Tigers strengthened by your presence (who cares about Deledio when you have the Wrap on board – Ed).
    Do you think I should take the plunge and invest (not if you value those fingers and other appendages – Avenging Eagle).
    Well that’s settled, so on to other lucrative investments. Speaking of generous cash offers to leading Australian sportsmen, I have been approached by a consortium of Nigerian philanthropists to head up their new Nigerian Knackery sporting website. I have sent them my BSB and account number (won’t they be disappointed) and am awaiting the imminent arrival of the $5,000,000.
    Do you I should put it all on the Striped Marvels?

  2. The Wrap says

    Go for it Mr B. We’re fielding XXII terrorists this weekend.

  3. Skip of Skipton says

    SYDNEY 23
    GWS 21.5
    North Melbourne 17.5
    Melbourne 17.5
    Richmond 17
    Essendon 16
    Port Adelaide 14.5
    Carlton 10
    St. Kilda 9.5
    Geelong 8
    Gold Coast 5.5
    Brisbane 1

    Geelong have won only 2 of 12 stanzas at Kardinia Park this year. The last time they had a worse start to the season at home was 1977 when they went 1/12.

  4. The Wrap says

    Thanks Skip. Interesting observation re The Moggies. As a matter of fact I think that was the last time The Tiges beat The Cats twice in the one season.

  5. David Zampatti says

    Sorry – no time for this. Just taking the young bloke down to the nets to practice his slog sweep.

  6. The Wrap says

    What do you reckon he’ll bring on the market if he gets it right ZP?

  7. Peter_B says

    Jeez that Reg Varney is a card, isn’t he Wrap?

  8. The Wrap says

    We’re going to have to go down & take out series IV as well Mr B.

  9. Peter_B says

    Good idea Wrap – “The Navy Lark” is not much chop.

  10. The Wrap says

    How long before Mick announces His retirement?

  11. Bream biting back at Mallacoota, Wrap? Looking for a coach at Tigerland? I know a Tiger premiership player with an extensive CV who is looking for vindication. Go on, you’ve got nothing to lose.
    Malthouse Tigers

  12. The Wrap says

    Would just love to have back at Punt Road Mr B, but sadly he’s booked in to the Sacked Coaches’ Retirement Village out at Melrose Drive.

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