The Pre-Wrap: A quarter at a time

By John Mosig

What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie. The invertebrates around at the Star Chamber have been busy counting the angels dancing on the head of a pin again.  Jordan Lewis’s swift jab to Mr Potato Head’s solar plexus earned a severe ‘don’t do it again’ from the adjudicators at the highest court in the land.  And the Glenferrie Oval recidivist Taylor got off too.  Have the Gnomes in the Bowels of Jellymont House calculated that a late Hawthorn run at September is good for gate takings?

And Jordan’s claim that you get four or five jabs to the breadbasket per match makes for interesting reading.  There’s 352 players running around every week.  If each cops four wacks a round, that’s 1,408 punches thrown.  I must remember to duck down to Clive Peeters and find out what’s wrong with the 72” plasma they just sold me.  It’s not picking them up.  Let’s hope the Mothers of Melbourne have missed them too.

But the best part about the Tuesday Night circus, based on the above observation, was that Star Chamber chairman David Jones commended Jordan for being “commendably frank” with his evidence.  And his colleagues agreed with him, voided the one week suspension due and gave him a pat on the head.  Really boys.  You’ve got to get out more.  But make sure you don’t go anywhere near Broadford.  There’s some one up there recuperating from Jellymont House influenza who would like to have a frank discussion with you.

And the Coaches Carousel keeps on spinning.  Still no drying ink at McHale Stadium or Alberton Oval, nor Whitten Oval for that matter.  But they must have found a reverse gear on the Carousel.  Prospective coaches are actually being spun off !!  Can you believe that?  But the question has to be asked, could the discovery of a poisoned chalice under the seat of THE TIGER ride have anything to do with it?  Prospective PUNT ROAD candidates Cambo and Mumbles spotted it just in time and both have bailed.  What if no one wants to coach around at TIGERLAND?  Do you think Hungry could be enticed back to PUNT ROAD?

For those who came in late, we’re compiling a table, just as a matter of interest, to see who finishes where if 4 points are awarded for a win plus a point for winning a quarter.  We don’t know where it will lead, but let’s find out.

We’re starting to get some response to the full season of Eight Pointers.  Thanks to all those who helped out, and especially to Paul Yunken who did the whole 16 teams.  He even worked out the percentage of games won and compared them to the quarters won, and allocated a ½ point where quarters were drawn.  Solid work Pablo.

For those who love pouring over stats, and there’s a little bit of mathematician in all of us, Paul’s numbers are published below.  I’m sure if we ask him nicely he’ll keep it updating the table after each round.

After 15 rounds –

St Kilda: 42
Geelong: 41.5
Bulldogs: 41.5
Collingwood: 37
Essendon: 36
Brisbane: 35.5
Hawthorn: 32.5
Carlton: 32
Port Power: 27
Sydney: 26
Richmond: 21.5
West Coast: 19
Fremantle: 19.5
Nth Melbourne: 17.5
Melbourne: 16.5

Taking it one quarter at a time puts a slightly different slant on it.  Suddenly St Kilda aren’t so far ahead of the pack. And the Bulldogs are up there with them.  But it does prove one thing – GTWTCO.  And that’s what we’ve been talken about.

The Bombers move up just behind Collingwood.  Hawthorn goes to 8th and put Carlton out of the Eight.  THE TIGERS rise out of The Cellar and North rival Melbourne for Premier Draft Pick.

Accepting the statement that GTWTCO, St Kilda have only won 70% of the quarters it’s played, but 100% of its matches.  The Cats did it 69% & 87%.  At the other end of the scale we have Essendon winning 60% of its quarters but only 53% of its matches.  And the out and out champion in this category is without doubt the RFC.  Winning over a third of its quarters (36%), it managed to win only 20% of its matches.  (No wonder the prospective coaches are bailing – Ed)

Cadell is in the wars and just can’t make an impression on the 3’ 7” leeway he’s carrying.  Michael Rogers’s decision to get back on his bike after a pile up a few days back has paid dividends and he’s setting himself for a stage win or two as Le Tour approaches some more up hill & down dale hell riding.

Along St Johns Wood Road the scene is not pretty.  Mitchell Johnson can’t get his action right and Hauritz is in the horrors, dislocating his spinning finger attempting to snare a full blooded drive from the All England Skipper.  We have them six down for 364.  Not pretty, but they shouldn’t be able to last much longer, then we just have to haul them in and set them a target.  Let’s hope, eh?

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s going to be strutting around town after the XVIth Round.

The Bombers v The Bulldogs under cover tonight.  For the 2nd week in a row The Doggies help kick off the round.  Some say they were stiff last weekend.  Others say they kicked the game away.  Either way they’ll be spitting chips and should be able to chop up the Whingy Hill Mosquito Bomber Fleet.  Both sides move the ball fast and skilfully.  Both sides are high scoring machines.  Both sides go into this one unchanged.  Make no mistake, this will be a cracker jack contest.  If The Bombers can get up it will set them in good stead for September.  But we just can’t see it.  The Scrays will be just that little bit more canny, that little bit steadier under pressure.  The Sons of The West for ours here at The Wrapcave.  But don’t bet on it.  The Gliders could just as easily steal this one.  And we’d like to send a cheerio to one of our most misunderstood Wrappers.  I’m sure you’ll all join us in wishing Sir Frank Downright a speedy recovery.  The medical bulletins coming out of the Downright Lie & Procrastinate chambers assure us that he’ll be right for the finals.

The Blues v The Bloods at The Boutique Stadium at the Other End of Bourke Street on Saturday Arvo.  The Silvertails aren’t nearly as good as they tell themselves they are.  But they should be too strong for The Lakers.  Kreutzer, Judd & Gibbs should give them an edge and The Fev has sorted out his differences with himself.  Fisher is finding some form and Eddie is always worth a bet for half a dozen fruitful contributions.  When you look down the other end you just don’t see the same sort of firepower.  And at $1.22 it looks juicy.  Even the Fev might be tempted to come out of retirement.  The Bluebaggers to win comfortably in a dour low scoring match.

The Handbags v The Fuchsias at The Cattery on Saturday Arvo.  After two rounds of advice on how to lose without appearing to tank, The Moggies will save Melbourne the trouble.  The Pussies in a savage display of Rebound Football for the Sleepy Hollow Devoted.  The $1.04 is worth the grog money for the week, but you’d have to ask yourself is it worth the bike ride down to the TAB and then back up the hill again?  The Cats to show they were only messing about last weekend up in Brissy.  Not that The Dees won’t have a fair dinkum crack; it’s just that they may be a bit confused by now.

Carringbush v The Waverly Wanders at The G on Saturday night.  The Pies will miss The Giraffe but the return of their Nathan Brown is welcomed.  The Hawks Ladson & Campbell have dickie knees.  Look, we’d like to go for the Defending Premiers, and in years past this is the very match The Maggies would drop.  The question of course is –  with Nathan Buckley’s Mickey the Maltster’s job on the line, will they hold their nerve?  And here’s a big statement: this Collingwood side is playing the best Football of any team Mickey’s coached since taking over around at McHale Stadium and the Rose Bowl.  Having said that, The Woodsmen were out on their feet in the Final Stanza last week, and Buddy has found some confidence.  True, The Hawks aren’t playing North Melbourne this week.  But with Junior Riolli back, The Mayblooms aren’t without a chance here.  Equally true, they haven’t been playing good Football, but they’ll have to start winning at some time.  Coach Clarko’s attitude after the Launceston game wasn’t encouraging, and one could be excused for believing that they’ve written this season off.  Look for something in the margins, but Collingwood will win.

The Barry Crockers v The Brisbane Lions over there.  The Dockers were woeful last weekend, and there’s nothing to suggest they won’t deliver more of the same this weekend.  No Pavlich, Sandilands or Headland.  To make matters worse for The Anchormen, The Lions regain Brennan & Dalziel.  And at $1.36, The Maroons are The Wrap Investment Opportunity of The Round.

The Power v The Wiggles in the Shadows of Mt Lofty early on the Sunday.  Here’s the one for the rent money.  At $1.12 you can’t go wrong.

THE TIGERS v The Shinboners at THOF on Sunday arvo.  The Battle of The Caretakers.  And take care, THE TIGES are about the break through this weekend.  They fluffed their lines last weekend when The Dreadlock slotted a Lazy Nine, but they’re getting some flow to their game.  North on the other hand have been all over the shop.  They had The Mustard Pots on toast last weekend but let the opportunity slip away.  If you’re brave enough, why not take a piece of the $1.95 The Bagmen are splashing around.

St Kilda v Adelaide at The Dumb late on Sunday.  Everyone’s talking about Adelaide’s new game plan.  How will it stand up to close scrutiny from The Mighty Moorabbin Machine?  The Feeling Faints have had an exhausting Blockbuster against Geelong and a trying trip across the Nullarbor over the last fortnight.  The Pride of South Australia has had RICHMOND up at Carrara and The Barry Crockers at home.  How good is the game plan?  And how fresh are The Crows?  It’s a big challenge.  And one The Chardonnays won’t shirk from.  But our sympathies are with The Seagulls here.  Too strong in the following division and they can match The Crows in goal scoring options.  True, the Adelaide defence is tight, but so is St Kilda’s.  We’re sticking with The Sinners.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.

Leave a Comment