What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  Congratulations Dane Swan.  You have been granted The Brownlow Medal you should have been given last year.  And does this suggest to anyone that there’s just the teeny weeniest possibility that the voting can be subjective?  (You still think Keith Greig’s 1973 Medal should be retrospectively given to Hungry do you Wrap? – Ed)

One correspondent was particularly pleased by the outcome.  Disgusted of Carringbush wrote wasn’t it nice to see the award going to a real footballer, and not someone for just running onto the ground in clean boots and a dark blue jumper?

And can anyone please tell us why, once a player is ineligible, he should be included in the voting?  It didn’t use to be that way.  But then the voting was for The Fairest & Best.  Ronald Dale & Lethal Leigh had not problems accepting that; two of the most influential players of their time (Probably of all time, ranking up there with Harrison & Wills – Ed) they knew it was The Show Pony Award.  Dipper & Diesel put an end to that.  One night some Asterisk is going to win it, and then we’ll sell some newspapers.

But wait, with the finger always close to the pulse of public opinion, Angry Adrian has hinted that they will be a shake-up of the Brownlow eligibility standards at the earliest opportunity.  Points are unlikely to count next year – only suspensions.  Ahhh, the human side of Jellymont House.  Has it restored your faith in human nature too?

While we’ve got you there Adrian, would it not be more lateral to fix up the thought processors of the invertebrates around at the Star Chamber?  That way you’d smell sweeter every Tuesday of the season, not just on Brownlow Night.  Too classy for you Angry?  We were afraid of that.

Mrs Wrap & Nurelle both felt the gowns fell short of the mark this year.  And that spinning blue wheel – did we hear that they were calling it the WAG-on Wheel? – made it somehow look like a production line inspection point.  Their Gown of The Night went with the Brownlow votes.  That’s right, Taylor Wilson’s outfit, for its simplicity and grace, and, in the absence of Le Fev, they couldn’t go past the evergreen Brynne Edelsten for the annual Sight Gag Award.

Speak of Le Fev, the highly prized Fevola Medal this year has gone to Whingy Hill’s own Dean Wallace.  For outright dumbness he had few peers all season.  And for letting down his old china plate, Doubtful Thomas, and telling porkies to the Appalling Football League he takes the cake.  (Or in this case, the Medal – Ed)  Congratulations Deano, you’re an ornament to the Christmas tree and a real credit to your football club.

But don’t think for a moment it wasn’t a close run thing.  Campbell Brown came in 2nd.  Desperate to boost his new club’s exposure he led his impressionable young teammates on a rampage of larrikinism that got him thrown into the jug on Koh Phangan.  Bewdy Campbell; after all, that’s why The Metermaids hired you in the first place wasn’t it?  To lead by example.  Returning in disgrace from an end of season trip, now they can really call themselves a football side.

Now for the Big One – The Harry Beitzel Medal.  We feel confident there’ll be no argument with the votes this season, although if you feel your favourite maggot has been harshly dealt with, please don’t hesitate to let the judges know.  That’s right Wrappers – it’s the Little Man with the Big Whistle, your favourite, our favourite, Wallsie’s favourite, everybody’s favourite pea rattler, the Toast of Maggot Central, the man who singlehandedly elasticized 15 meters into 10, and back again at a whim, that Darling of The Arcane, the Wizard of The Esoteric – that’s right Wrappers – it’s none other than Razor Ray Chamberlain.  Ray can’t be with us to accept the award.  He’s heard the bream are biting down at Mallacoota so he & Mrs C have packed the van and slipped off for a few days of well earned.  Congratulations Ray, and don’t be shy about dropping a couple off on the way back.  Wouldn’t mind a couple of rabbits either if you took the leg irons.

Ignoring the breathtaking hypocrisy of Beyond Blue’s Jeffery Gibb Kennett & the every socially-responsible Andrew Demetriou, can anyone explain to us how does a mass produced machine that you can fit four of on the back of a one-tonne ute have the right to earn $1,200 an hour when the person who teaches your kids to read get $40 an hour – the barista who starts your day off with a double espresso is paid $25 an hour plus tips – the farmer who produces your food, all things taken into account, gets $10 an hour – and the hand that rocks the cradle is lucky to get a warm smile and a ‘what’s for dinner’ at the end of the day.  Doesn’t it seem a little bit out of balance?  And without going into a case by case résumé of from whence that $1,200 an hour is coming – shouldn’t we be asking who’s suffering because of it?  Oh, and why didn’t Eddie get a mention for his outpouring on the subject from the Oval Office?  Eddie doesn’t need us to highlight his shortcomings.  Not as long as he’s got himself.

The mailbag has pointed out a few of our shortcomings.  Yes, Chris Dawes has a back.  And while it may now be too late to run a competition – with a trip to the Gold Coast as first prize – a competition to see who can correctly guess the number of stops the Carringbush Bootstudder had to pull out of it, we’ll keep it in mind for next year.

And possibly a competition for who can guess the number of rules the Ayatollah & Angry Adrian have still not changed since these they took over at Jellymont House?  Nearest the pin wins a free lunch at the All Nations.

There’s been some interesting mail on loyalty too.  See how many you agree with, and feel free to ad a few of your own.

How much loyalty was shown when Lockett went to The Swans?

All the 10-year players who defected to follow the Mighty Dollar to North Melbourne under Ronald Dale, Ronald Joseph & Dr Aylett; where was their loyalty?

Where was the Appalling Football League loyalty when South Melbourne was banished to Sydney?  And Fitzroy was prevented from merging with North, broken up and the brand sold to The Brisbane Bears to try and save that earlier Looney Tunes adventure of the aforesaid Appalling Football League – and give a stuff about their Loyal Longsuffering Faithful who had followed them for generations, through thick & thin?

But our prize goes to the Wrap Subscriber who offered The Ayatollah’s defense of the Appalling Football League’s relationship with the betting agencies, and the role those agencies play in renting the fabric of society, as a show of loyalty.  Now that’s real loyalty

And it must be something to be loyal about, you’d like to think.  Carringbush even have a department for it.  Dale Curtis is Director of Gaming & Legal Counsel & Danielle Burston is Finance Manager (Venues).  Are we alone in thinking Director of Gaming & Legal Counsel is an odd combination?  But who are we to understand the link between operating gambling venues and the need of a legal firewall?  Besides, they must know what they’re doing around at the Westpac Centre.

BTW, there’s no truth in the rumour that Greg Champion is on standby should Meat Loaf be frightened to take the stage in fear of a lightning strike.

But enough of my gabbin, let’s see going to be holding up The Premiership Trophy this First Saturday In October.

The Pivotonians v The Woodsmen on Hallowed Turf at The Traditional Time, if not in the traditional month.  The MRP, as only a supine body of invertebrates can be in September, gave itself a night off last Tuesday.  (I think supine is the collective noun for a body of invertebrates Wrap – Ed)  The other two big influences on Saturday’s outcome are likely to be the Medical Team at both clubs and Ward Rooney at The Bureau.

David Buttifant has given The Magpies the all clear on their list, and Dayne Beams has ruled himself out.  Down at The Cattery, Balmie is optimistic, but the word in the locker room is that Stevie J is 50/50 at best.  One thing is for sure, he won’t run out unless he’s confident he can see the game through.  (That’s not the same as 100% fit though is it Wrap? – Ed)

Ward has it rain in the morning followed by clearing showers with a top of 15oC, a sheep weather alert and snow down to 1,200m.  Which is a good reminder that FIAWG*.

Like the Hawthorn/Collingwood match last Friday, you could go over the match-ups till you were blue in the face and not feel any closer to being able to make an investment decision based on a value judgement.  Having said that, The Moggies’ attack looks just that little bit more capable against The Pies’ defence than The Pies’ attack looks against The Moggies’ defence.  Harry Taylor on Big Bad Leroy Brown being a pivotal contest here.  A responsibility free Harry Taylor on the half back line is a dangerous thing.  But then again, he’ll need to be to cut off the feed to Travis Cloke.

And isn’t the midfield an All Australian line-up?  This is like having Rocky Graziano, Joe Louis, George Foreman, Muhammad, Joe Frazier, Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson all in the ring at the same time.   Have you ever seen so many heavyweights lined up?  It’s going to easier to get a clean possession down at Coles in a gabardine coat with a false sleeve.  Again, the feeling in The Wrapcave is that The Hoopers have the edge here.

Then there’s the small matter of form.  SOTG will be casting their minds back to 2008 when The Leafblowers went in as rank underdogs even though they had the winning form.  The Handbags had withstood an all out challenge from The Woodsmen the week before in what was described as a good hitout, to make it through to the Grand Final.  Anyone else see some similarities here?  True, The Mustard Pots may have been playing The Sleepy Hollow Millionaires that day, but if you’re looking for the form side this September, you’d be looking down the road that runs through Hoppers Crossing.  (Hey Wrap, The Bagmen have installed the Pussies as warmish sorts of favourites – Ed)

There was also a disquieting sight last Friday night – Carringbush renewing its love affair with the boundary line.  (a possible sign of emotional insecurity are you saying Wrap? – Ed)  And the reunion was not always successfully consummated.  It will be even harder to keep the romance hot on a cold and blustery day on the park.

For astrologers there’s the fact that The Magpies’ last two Flags have been won in October.  Nurelle’s picked up on it and is slipping into the TAB to follow her sixth sense when she pops down to the Harp Village to pick up the vanilla slices for morning tea.

The Norm Smith is a smorgasbord from which to choose.  If the Daisy Cutter wins it, so too will Collingwood win The Flag.  Dane Swan’s good enough to win The Medal in a losing side.  This is a day for heroes.  We’re going for Chappy to join Conan The Barbarian, the current VFL Premiership Coach, as the only player to have two Norm Smiths in the billiard room trophy cabinet.

That’s right Wrappers – we’re saying be like Elvis – Go Cats Go!

If Stevie J is fit and plays the margin will be as much as 29 points.  We’re going for a more modest, but just as convincing 15.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

* FIAWG – Football Is A Winter Game.


As this is the Championship Round, we thought it would be appropriate to hear a few words from The Greatest Champion of The World we’re ever likely to see in this generation.

Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.

Superman don’t need no seat belt.

The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.

The man who has no imagination has no wings.

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.

There are no pleasures in a fight but some of my fights have been a pleasure to win.

To be able to give away riches is mandatory if you wish to possess them. This is the only way that you will be truly rich.

Wars of nations are fought to change maps. But wars of poverty are fought to map change.

I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.

I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.

It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.

It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.

It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.

It’s not bragging if you can back it up.

It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

No one knows what to say in the loser’s locker room.

Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know.  Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.

Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. It’s just plain wrong.

He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.

I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was.

I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest.

I hated every minute of training, but I said, “Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”

I know I got it made while the masses of black people are catchin’ hell, but as long as they ain’t free, I ain’t free.

I know where I’m going and I know the truth, and I don’t have to be what you want me to be. I’m free to be what I want.

I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.

I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.


About John Mosig

I'm an Aussie Rules tragic who can remember, as a four year old, shaking the hand of Captain Blood in the rooms just before he ran out onto the ground after half time, as my Old Man slipped him a packet of under-the-counter Craven A cork tipped. Now it's my turn to take my grandson Ben through the ritual of character building that is the journey through PUNT ROAD to the outside world.


  1. John Butler says


    Shame we don’t have Ali as the pre-game warm up (which will be needed given the look of the weather).

  2. Mr Wrap you are one of the highlights of my week. Just behind the Avenging Eagle and Shandy the Labrador – but hey you have pushed Harmsian whimsy out of the Bronze Medal slot. Just when I am softening to Mick’s late life grandfatherly mentoring; Buttifant decency and HarryO brilliance (on and off field) – the Wrap arrives to remind me of why I despise the Magpie sausage machine.
    Eddie and his VP in charge of immorality and legal persiflage (I learn a new word from the Almanac every week) make my blood boil more than Razor Ray on crack cocaine.
    Go Col, Chris and the Cats. Bring one home for decency.

  3. Alovesupreme says

    Thank you Wrap for another riveting instalment. However, I want to play the pedant; you express concern about that the Brownlow might be “won” by a player with an asterisk. It’s already happened, twice!Corey McKernan should have shared the 1996 Medal with the current coaches of Brisbane and Essendon, and also missed the (Norwich) Rising Star because of a suspension. The following year, Chris Grant topped the votes and was “cheated” out of Robert Harvey’s first Brownlow, by an ex post facto intervention by Collo, which saw him rubbed out.

    I’m not sure either that you’re right in saying that suspended players were excluded from the voting in the past. The question is how would we know back in the olden days, when match-by-match votes were not revealed.

    I can remember Harry Beitzel making the claim that they were excluded, but as I recall, other umpires disputed this. So nothing new there, confusion among the whistle-blowers! I wonder if that meant that all umpires had to carry a list of players labouring under a prior suspension. For particular matches in particular seasons, there might be a significant number of players ineligible for votes, so that the three players scoring might have been 5th, 7th and 10th best afield.

    I don’t agree with your proposed solution, precisely because it is the intrusion of another anomaly – and not a correcting one – into what is already, arguably, a flawed process.

    As for your comment about Lethal and Barrass missing Brownlows, while I’m sure that it reflected the prejudices of the umps about their style of play, I doubt that you can say conclusively link it to suspensions eliminating them from consideration in later matches. I don’t know their record of suspensions, but Matthews recorded top 12 finishes in all but three years from 1972 until 1982, and recorded two 3rds, a 4th and two 5ths. Unless his suspensions occurred in those three seasons, it’s not obvious that the umpires were excluding him from consideration because of a prior suspension.

  4. John Mosig says

    Thanks for that Alovesupreme. I had a feeling Chris Grant missed a Brownlow and that Cory McKernan missed a Rising Star, but I heard someone say – on radio or TV, can’t remember which – that it would be a first and in the hugger mugger of GF Week I didn’t check. Shame on me, and I accept that.

    In those days of the one central umpire the Brownlow was for the Fairest & Best. They couldn’t see everything, and quite often the retaliator was the one who got booked – see John Coleman 1951. While they didn’t have eyes in the back of their head, they awarded the votes on the performance of the day, and if the player wasn’t an absolute ball player he didn’t get a vote.

    Now, the goal & boundary umpires had reporting powers, and responsibilities. Their job was to keep an eye on what happened off the ball while the central umpire watched the play. I’m working on memory here, but there were far fewer reports, and far fewer suspensions. A player king hit and called as a witness would blame a crook oyster on Friday night as the reason he collapsed when standing Mopsy Fraser at Punt Road. No one squealed at Harrison House any more than anyone squealed on where John Wren’s swy school was next Sunday.

    In fact, so few were suspended that there were more umpires on the list – five per match and there were six matches a round – than players suspended throughout the season. And every eight year old in any street in Melbourne could tell you who they were. I can assure you, so indelible were community codes of practice in those days, they didn’t get a vote once they were rubbed out.

  5. Mr Wrapster,

    if they allow rubbed out players to win retrospective Brownlows will that mean the Judd will be reprospectively rubbed out for Pavlich’s five head stitches?

  6. Where’s my weekly post Wrap, Wrap?
    Too much media, footy crap
    What turned on the Cattery tap?
    Fallen magpies, sorry sap
    Midfield flat needs jigger zap
    Pies line up to jump the Gap
    Save our souls from all this pap
    One more time – please Mr Wrap

  7. As usual Phanto, you’re way ahead of me.

    And dear dear sweet PeterB
    I’ve not forgot you, can’t you see?
    It’s just that time can flit & flee
    and hop away, like a wayward flea

Leave a Comment