The darkness commeth

It would now seem that the planets are aligning and the universe as we have known for the past twenty years may soon plummet into a dark and otherworldly abyss. We have become accustomed to the rogue asteroid that travels the skies occasionally presenting danger but never actually impacting. Similarly, we have feared magpies in September but only when walking past a nest. However, this time seems different. There is an eeriness that is palpable. Their time is coming so we must prepare.

Should the unthinkable happen next Saturday and the club, whose name cannot be spoken, actually wins the flag it is essential that we be at the ready, because no one, not even Sigourney Weaver, will escape the streams of bile that will spew from the mouths of the black and white monster should it be fully waken at the setting of the Sun in 6 days time.

Ancient scripts from 1953 found in the catacombs of the old Southern Stand do provide some glimmer of hope that this hideous creature can be controlled. I offer you the following.

Never look the creature in the eye. To do so only provokes conversation and the shrieking of its’ ancient tribal song.

Never wear the livery of its’ competitors. To do so only provides more fuel to this never ending fire of verbosity.

When encountering groups of the beast, seek haven in a drinking establishment outside their native subterranean environment and one that has strict rules regarding appropriate attire.

Wear cricket whites to all occasions until the start of the next season.

They will seek you out so avoid Royal Parade and Punt Rd until after the festive season.

Should you find yourself surrounded by these ravenous creatures quickly begin to chant 1970, 1970,1970.

Avoid book stores as they will be filled with propaganda heralding the triumphant return of the black and white army

Most importantly, be very afraid. For your children and their child, be very, very afraid as this incarnation will be the most evil of them all.

And Pray. Pray to the temple of Barry Breen that the Saints of Moorabbin hold on for one point victory. Tis’ only then that we can truly be safe to walks the streets again.

About Tony Robb

A life long Blues supporter of 49 years who has seen some light at the end of the tunnel that isn't Mick Malthouse driving a train.


  1. No Tony, I don’t think you’re overstating the threat.

    Previously, it was a thin Navy Blue line usually keeping us safe. Then Lions protected us.

    Are the Saints up to the task?

  2. Oh you are a bit of a trick Tony.

  3. JB The answer lies with St Nick. I still think the Bazza should have been given 5 minutes on him in the 3rd quarter last Saturday,
    “Hi Im Barry and I’m going to make you cry like you did in Brisbane that night”.
    But Presti wont be able to stop him after 6 weeks out so it does add to the theatre.

  4. Tony,

    I really enjoyed the imagery that you have painted here.

    As one of the “beasts” that you describe above, I find it hard to fathom the length of feeling that we generate amongst the rest of you. Do we really make you feel that insecure?

    For us, i.e. the black & white monsters & creatures & beasts etc etc…. simply do not care an iota about any other side. If we win, we will simply doff our hats and call out a cheerful “G’day” as we pass on by…to our subterranean abyss…etc etc.

    Enjoy the pending doom!

    Go Pies!


  5. And won’there be plenty of theatre goers there this Saturday

  6. Bakes, Did you say ‘doff our hats’ or scoff your hats?

  7. Bakes,
    Enjoy the week and all the best on Saturday and may you doff your hat ’till the cows come home should the Pies salute. Whatever the result remember the old golf saying. “There has never been a shot played that didn’t give someone some enjoyment”.

  8. I’m off to Tibet

  9. Cat man do?

  10. Wrong capital. That’s n’appaul (ing) mistake

  11. Some apt, apocalyptic lyrics from Mnsr L Cohen:

    They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
    For trying to change the system from within
    I’m coming now, I’m coming to reward them
    First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

    I’m guided by a signal in the heavens
    I’m guided by this birthmark on my skin
    I’m guided by the beauty of our weapons
    First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

    Ah you loved me as a loser, but now you’re worried that I just might win
    You know the way to stop me, but you don’t have the discipline
    How many nights I prayed for this, to let my work begin
    First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

    I don’t like your fashion business mister
    And I don’t like these drugs that keep you thin
    I don’t like what happened to my sister
    First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

    And I thank you for those items that you sent me
    The monkey and the plywood violin
    I practiced every night, now I’m ready
    First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

    Ah remember me, I used to live for music
    Remember me, I brought your groceries in
    Well it’s Father’s Day and everybody’s wounded
    First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

  12. Jenifer Warnes dose an excellent version of that on the “Famous Blue Raincoat” Album, Dave.

  13. Dips,
    I believe the spiritual leader has jumped off the Swans now that Kirk has retired. Heaven forbid he levitate onto the Pies wagon

  14. But if you want the of epitome of apocolypse you could not go past Rossini’s The Thieving Magpie Overture in “A Clockwork Orange”.

    Most apt in this conversation I would take the liberty of suggesting.

  15. Tony – for all Pie supporters’ sakes I hope they don’t drop this one no matter who is on the bandwagon!! They haven’t won anything yet and not even Mr D. Lama can guarantee a win. I’ll say it again Pie fans – don’t drop this one or you may have to subject yourselves to 100 years of introspection at a remote monastery near the border with China!

  16. China wouldn’t have them.

  17. As it has been said – there are no last days in September for Collingwood

  18. The way the Chinese are buying up our farms, mines and businesses they may not have to move all that far to the border Dips.

  19. Who is playing in Beijing next year?

    Perhaps if the Pies lost this one they could relocate there and become the Chinese Chokers.

  20. Dips,

    I like it….I like the fact that you are going down swinging. Putting it back squarely on the (broad) shoulders of the Pie monsters, creatures…etc.

    It really doesn’t matter one bit what the fans say. Esteemed forums such as this are there for a bit of fun and creative expression. The inner calm and single-minded focus of the players is what counts & I really like what I see. There was no hooplah on Friday night after a stunning victory. Just a very poised and focussed response & I liked that very much. Almost as much as the 13 or so turnover goals on Friday night that were greeted each time with a thunderously appreciative roar. By gee the Army, although a feral host according to some, have a wonderful collective roar!!!

    You are still right – they do not hand out flags after Prelim victories and I know the spectre of 2008 still haunts you. God knows my closet is full of such heartbreak. So….we have to do it all again this week against a tough Saints outfit. You have to be in it to win it…and we are in it.

    Battle lines are drawn, the barbarians are at the gate. Let the swarm begin!!

    Cheers & enjoy Tibet.


  21. Fair point Phantom.

  22. I will certainly be in it on Saturday Bakes.

    I will secrete myself in amongst as many Pies and Saints supporters, that I can find in one place, with a recycled handbag full of tricks and create havoc.

    I actually am really looking forward to this one. No pressure what so ever.

  23. Chinese Chokers or the Cat Chokers?

  24. A nice big juicy bait always catches a magpie, Dave.

    What was that old one from their last big dynasty. They were going to relocate to the Phillipines and become the Manilla Folders

  25. Phantom,

    I know what you mean (referecnes to hand-bags is a bit ordinary I would have thought).

    There is certainly nothing to lose but I always found it a hollow feeling when the siren sounded and someone else is having the time of their lives. I’ve only experienced that wonderful feeling once so far…and I appreciate the fact that Saints, Dogs & Demon fans have had to wait longer. Happily for all, the Blues have now waited 15+ years with no end in sight….but I’m only being mischievous there.

    Feel free to give it to Pies, Saints..etc. It won’t affect the playing group and as long as they are switched on again we are a real chance.

    Cheers & Go Pies!


  26. Being the lovely, kind Magpie that i am i think ill give you guys a few more tips in our swooping season. :)

    1- if you must pass through the Magpie’s territory move quickly but dont run.

    2- Wear a hat or carry an unmberlla over your head.

    3- draw a pair of eye and attach them to the back of your hat or helmet- magpies are less likely to swoop if they think you’re watching them.

    goodluck! :)

  27. Yes Bakes the reference to handbags from the Pies supporters last Saturday was a bit ordinary but totally expected and taken in good spirit.

    I just said that it was harder to handle this time with the recycled Kleenex, the two cups and the two flags.

    They didn’t want to play with me after that. I was no fun.

  28. Danni

    There’s always lots of people watching the Grand final.

    Maybe you’ve discovered the problem?

  29. Well you’ve almost broken double digit flags, only 6 behind the Pies now Phantom. Not bad going for a club that started 34 years before the Pies.

  30. that should read
    and *eyes lol sorry about that.


  31. Aaah, so we are allowed to count the ones we won before we came into the VFL Dave?

    That’s good and it makes a big difference. It would mean we have won as many as you guys have lost. 27 I think.

    You’ve made my day.

    This week is getting better and better.

  32. You’re not seriously trying to count the VFA p/ships.

    Had plenty of years to establish your club, yet after entering the VFL in 1897 – you’re still at 8 flags since then to the Pies 14. Never try to polish a turd, it always lets off a noxious odour.

    This has been a good week for you Phantom? I guess if… ahh… hmmm…no, don’t see it.

  33. See they are already playing with your collective minds. I warned ya. Truely the dark lord at work down at the Citreon Centre

  34. Sydney Malakellis says

    Hey, let’s just count AFL premierships then! Geelong 2, Ferals 1. Maybe you can even it up this weekend?

  35. Just tuning in. Loved #11- it just happens to be my favourite Rock Hymn Dave.. My voice breaks with emotion by the time I get to Then We Take Berlin.

    AS for ye of little faith – two things. St Kilda have never lost two GF’s in a row. Collingwood have.

    And Collingwood aren’t playing Geelong this week.

  36. Stop the press. Belguim has beatwn Australia in a group B Davis Cup Tie. This sure puts Saturday in a little more perspective doesn’t it.

  37. Tony,

    does that mean that a Collingwood vs St Kilda fixture is Group B one?

  38. Phantom, I think you know what I mean lol

  39. TR

    The Messiah is a chance to snag Charly.

    I always thought he had about 6 BOG’s in him. But does he have any more?

  40. JB
    The first of the raids has been seen off by the brave Men of Bald. I alwys thought Gazza would win but for the messiah to get 10 BOG is amazing particularly the 5 in a row. It only goes the stengthen my point that he does it alone and the umpires have seen it that way. I genuinely think Swan was gutted which augers well for a crap GF performance. Gazza’s 3rd top two finish in a team full of vote puller is an amazing effort also. Great player

    Ive also found what I beleive to be the vital factor in seeing off the Pies come Saturday. Basically the group is divided in players with nicknames ending in Y or I ie Swanny, Presti, Shawry, Daisy etc and those with more ambiguous tags such as Dids,Neon,Max etc.

    Where does that leave Jolly. He can’t be called just Jolly and Jolls is plain silly. If the ruckman is divided between the two groups that surely means the group can be equally divided. Conclusion: Take out Jolly, take out the Pies.

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