The 2019 Nicola Tesla Cup

Greetings Tipsters


Regular readers will be aware of my suggestions for reducing congestion – the nineteenth man, the perspex wall, compulsory pre-match drinking sessions, compulsory fulltime jobs – which have, thus far, been inexplicably ignored by Squire McLachlan and cronies. Well, I’ve got a new idea, it’s super hi-tech and replete with all manner of potential tweaks, it’s a guaranteed gold standard champion.


Gentle reader, you may be aware of the hexagonal grid layout used in games of strategy. Envision an electronic grid across the playing field, each hexagon seven feet across and zoned according to traditional principles, forward pocket, half-back flank, and so forth.


Each player will carry a spinal implant coded to the zone he has been selected for. He is not restricted to this zone. The left forward pocket, for example, will be allowed to play across the full forward zone and some of the right forward pocket, left half-forward flank and centre half-forward. Should he venture too far, the implant will slow him down and induce a progressive lack of hand-eye co-ordination, thus encouraging a return to the zone in which he is most capable.


Only ruckmen, ruck-rovers and rovers will be allowed to play across the entire field. Centremen and wingmen will have more latitude than forwards and backs. Players can have their implants reset to allow them to play in a different position but these changes can only be made at quarter, half or three-quarter time.


Damn neat, eh? Pretty slick idea, this one, but it gets better. Consider the possibilities…


Half-forward flankers will be required to leap for at least one impossible mark per quarter because that is what they do – or used to. Failure to do so will shrink their playing zone. Conversely, the more they lurk around waiting for an easy handpass out of the pack, the zone will grow. But not by much.


Half-back flankers, in a software code sure to become known as The Woosha, will be able to enlarge their zone by tactical placement of an elbow to the temple. Back pockets who fail to niggle at every opportunity will have their zone reduced. A full-forward who kicks four goals before halftime will be allowed to roam the half-forward line. His opposing fullback can follow him if he has taken three pack marks.


By jingoes, this concept can’t be beat. Can you see any problems with it? I can’t. Nor can Brad Scott.


There’s been a bit of argument about Brad – did he jump or was he pushed? Caro reckons he was pushed, but you’d expect a Richmond aristocrat to say that, she grew up with “Eat ‘em alive”, especially the coach. Some say he jumped so he has time to line up another gig, like Carlton. Nah, the Blues are sticking with the kid. (If you are feeling blue, read a Carlton match thread and you’ll feel better, unless you’re a Carlton fan.)


Fact is, and keep this to yourselves, Brad was contacted by Dynaflow Pty Ltd, one of many cutout companies linked to Trans-Dementia Inc via a baffling sequence of shelf companies and Bahamian bank accounts. It was decided that anyone who had coached Ben Brown for several years would be the perfect front man for this new venture and Brad was happy to sign up.


“Every bloody Christmas Day since twenty eleven, Chris says ‘Gonna win a flag next season?’, yeah, like I walked into a rich club with their own home ground and the best list in the league. I’m in one hundred and ten percent. Can I write the code for Kardinia Park?”


It did take some time and effort to convince Brad that he would not be allowed anywhere near the technical side of things. Vanessa Nguyen, former Stop Privatisation Of Footy work experience kid, now splitting her time between LHC, MIT, NSA, IMF, her mum and dad sold the restaurant, will be running the mapping, programming, the whole shebang, as a training program for her numerous acolytes who know nothing of athleticism, let alone Aussie Rules.


Vanessa is dating an Italian bloke she met at an IMF cocktail party, Lorenzo de Medici, he’s working on the financial details. We have top shelf talent and resources and – hold on a moment, Bill Belichik is knocking on the front door again.


Cheers Tipsters


P&C, A Stop Privatisation Of Footy Production, A Division of Trans-Dementia Inc


Brought to you with the assistance of Stax ‘Finger Snappin’ Good’



Our writers are independent contributors. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own. They are not the views, nor do they reflect the views, of Malarkey Publications.


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About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. When a player goes for a run with the ball the hexagons could light up like stepping stones so we can see whether he/she has run too far. They could also be used to determine more accurately whether a kick has traveled the required distance for a legal mark. Will the umpires be plugged into the matrix too? Perhaps when they run backwards from a ball-up or along the boundary the hexagons could emit a noise and/or light? Earl; so much potential!

  2. So as I understand it Carlton have been trialling the spinal implants all season and Gazza is wearing a Woosha? DK Weir with Brad Scott as promoters? Please confirm.

  3. There is nothing like seeing a half-back flanker (or even a back pocket) get the ball and go for a run bouncing the ball all the way past half-forward and then taking a shot for goal. This should be allowed

  4. Rulebook says

    Very entertaining,Earl have umpired the odd social game re drinking during that had its moments!

  5. Hey Earl, after that piece you should be promoted to Duke. These days it’s pointless to have positions – no one sticks to them anyway. Everyone is a midfielder. In many ways it reminds me of schoolboy footy when everyone was ball chasing and the game was just a mad scramble.

    I detest the flooding when all players are on one half of the oval often resulting in seeing players continuing to kick backwards and crisscrossing before finally kicking forward. I well remember my Father listening on the radio and hearing a string of Crows handballs and kicks and expected a shot on goal to be imminent only to be amazed that the ball was actually in the back pocket and not forward. He was astonished.

    Anyway Duke, keep the ideas coming CHEERS

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