The 2017 Wilhelm Rudolf Fittig Cup – Round Four

Greetings Tipsters


We’re outside Darcy’s 24 Hour Diner at five o’clock in the morning and talk turns to the deliberate out of bounds rule and the many and varied interpretations thereof, folks are getting sweaty around the neckline, pink in the face and there are more opinions than there are people and everyone has an egregrious example they need to describe in scintillating detail like the Purp who had a snap for goal and got done cos the grass was pointing the wrong way or the Bumbler who took a hurried kick from a crowd down fullback way and it bounced and slowed and it bounced and slowed some more and the Bluebag who was pretending to chase the ball slowed and slowed some more, he had time to order a shot of rye whiskey and write a letter to his long-gone unrequited love before he waved his arms about as if to say “it’s not my fault”, he should’ve been pinged for unsportsmanlike conduct say I and the assembled cognoscenti nod ruminatively for a quarter-second or so before a collective nicotine exhalation and another complainant speaks up and everyone vents like exhaust stacks on road trains, but I’ve got it figured, the solution to all these time- and freeflow-wasting tactics and it’s so bloomin’ obvious that someone must’ve copyrighted it by now and my great idea is that a perspex wall of some 110 feet tall ought be erected along the boundary line in a stretcher-out circle and this will solve a lot of problems, especially for the free-flowers who write press releases, this is gonna make their lives a lot easier, so debate flows, as it usually does outside Darcy’s 24 Hour Diner at five o’clock in the morning, sometimes it flows like Collingwood, all hetchy and tetchy and this way and that and sometimes if flows like Adelaide, slick and sharp and I say a lot of deep and serious technical stuff, I quote data and folks nod and would be stroking their beards if they had beards and we debate details and concepts and tactics and strategy and if free flowing football is the aim, the key, the get-go, the be-all and end-all, well, go no further tipsters cos once the perspex goes up, with a couple of gates for the interchangers and we can dispense with the interchange steward as well as the boundary umps and the goal umps, there’d be no ‘stoppages’ and who the hell thought up that abominable word, aside from the stacks on the mill when someone goes down making valiant attempts to be seen to pretend to punch a handpass and a dozen other footballers jump on top then turn with big-eyed puppy dog appeals to the umpire whilst spreading their arms out like Jesus Christ, a tough nut in the clinches that bloke, decent bit of toe in space, so the umps can do a throw-up, as it were, but every out of bounds kick, handpass, errant bounce off skull, will be straight back into play in who the hell knows what direction, everyone’s been banging on about our unique game cos the ball bounces unpredictably so let’s make more of it, and we’ll no longer have any kinda silly drama w goals cos the perspex will be wired and we will know to the goddamn micrometre where those four pieces of stitched-up leather hit, and it’ll be nine-eighths of awesome to watch players go back to a contest in the goalsquare and bounce off the perspex and fall about like pscychedelic ninepins and then I suggest Camille Paglia and Martin Amis for the commentary team so we go back to debating the merits and demerits of the perspex wall, to a near-consensus that the concept has much to recommend itself and it’s worth a good powerpoint slideshow and then it’s getting onto six o’clock and the sun is winking at us through the clouds and we go back inside Darcy’s 24 Hour Diner and order Irish coffees and Polish coffees and we smoke spliffs and order eggs and chips and it’s a very satisfactory morning for all of us.


Cheers, Tipsters


P&C, A Stop Privatisation Of Footy Production, a division of Trans-Dementia Enterprises.

Brought to you with the assistance of the jukebox in Darcy’s 24 Hour Diner.


About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. There’s a conference in this.

  2. Earl- That was James Joyce and Ginsberg and Russell Brand. Brilliant.

    Also, what E.r. said.

    I’m anticipating the report bought to us by Miles Davis and his album Bitches Brew (no apostrophe).

  3. Earl O'Neill says

    Joycean, eh? Thanx.

    Miles Davis and John Coltrane commentating, I’d like to hear that!

  4. Love the wall idea. Spoken to the Donald? And Perspex would be great – like in ice hockey – body checks into the Perspex. Bring back Dipper and Lethal Leigh an Woosha just for the bodyweight and knowing how to split a bloke in two.
    Joycean? I was thinking Dylan “Daisy” Thomas. “Under Bryan Wood”.

  5. Earl O'Neill says

    Llareggub Lions are looking good for next season.

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