The 2017 Donald ‘Mopsy’ Fraser Cup


Who’s this bloke in the aqua jacket? He’s got slick hair.
Ah, The Killers, of course! Finally, a proper band. I’ve been suggesting Hives for twelve years, but this is good.
Player meetings now. Winner? Crows have that mighty system, reminds me of Essendon 2000. Watching them on telly one night, a mate said “they’re a MACHINE!” Every Crow knows what every other Crow is gonna do.
That’s impressive but I’d rather Tigers win. I’ve Tiger mates, an ex who sewed her own black and yellow finals dress in 1974 – there’s Mike Brady but I’ve killed the sound and can’t find the remote. What’s on the radio?
Mike Brady. 2SM and a betting ad. Check around, a lot of bazoukis and foreign languages, let’s give MMM a go. We can always change. Okay, Crows about to run out, I reckon they might win easy. That system, all those forwards.
Out for a smoke.
Back in, the game’s on, radio a second ahead. It’s been a weird week.
It’s the usual opening, everyone nervous and testing each other. Rory w the kick. Straight as Plugger.
Eddie goals. Surfer Tone should have asked the army out on the streets of Melbourne
Jack marks a screamer. Time to make a statement. Or not.
Tigers need to hang tough here. Jack marks again. Kick a dozen, lad!
A dozen GOALS ya goose!
Tigers haven’t been bad but they haven’t goaled. A break for them there. They might need to try a bit of a shootout, they aint gonna win playing like this. Tho it’s mostly been in their forward line, they aint doing much, til now when Caddy goals. Good, I need a wiz.
Perky Girl and I get talking about the week and I look up to see Houli goal and the mmm blokes are raving about Dustin’s work, “don’t argue with the Cotch” and Tigers are in front and looking good.
Are there cameras strung across the ground? Use them more, beaut angle!
That Rory, he almost lost the ball over the stand! Irresponsible.
Might find a different radio station for the next quarter. Had enough of these blokey blokes.
Oh, there’s the classic goal-from-a-forward-pocket-throw-in-late-in-the-quarter score.
Crows control it to the end. Or maybe… Ah, no. A bit of pushing and shoving instead.
The classic aerial shot of the MCG. Time to change the station. ABC. I miss Roy & HG.
Another very long break, 17 minutes in, Crows by 8.
Umpiring controversy! What does the Rulebook have to say? Two points, no-one has really imposed themselves on the game, great performances despite. It’s anyone’s game, but the Crows’ to lose. A narrow lead but they seem fragile, which will never be a fault of these Tigers.
Crows kicking at 54% this term. Thanks for backing up my instinct, stats.
Long long goal! A ripper to the kid. Bang, outa the centre, in Dustin’s hands. Brownlow goal. Four goals to zip this term. Mr Crow walking home in the evening, young Tiger comes around the corner and smacks him on the head and says “Gimme that cup, ya bastard!” and Mr Crow replies “Well, that’s not the way it’s supposed to work, young man. You see, we have this process and”
“Shut up Grandad!”
Outside at halftime and quiet reflection. Funny how things work out sometimes, folks you’d been friends with for a long time can behave such that you have no problem letting go.
There’s a siren, third quarter about to start. Once again, I wish I had a telly on the back porch. Who’s gonna be the Premiership Quarter hero?
Daniel wears Captain Blood’s 17. Jack Graham has two Grand final goals in his fifth game. 7.4 v 4.7.
The Tiger wearing Wayne Carey’s number wins a free and Tigers muscle the ball downfield. Lever marks. Laird marks. Behind. I’m going back outside for a bit.
I knew it. Tigers have ground out a greater lead. Okay, they did allow a Crows goal, but it’s the first since the first so we can allow that. Dustin sets it up for Castagna. This is in danger of a bit of a thrashing. Crows are being severely embarrassed – I did read something about a win being good for South Australia , it must take the edge off the power prices – it ain’t exactly a Swans 2014 level of embarrassment but it’s a contender.
The Machine has nothing on The Monster.
Another behind but the ball seems attached to Tigers forward line. Nine goals to one since the first break. ABC reports ‘Taylor on the bench, took a sip of water and threw it away in disgust.’
It’ll take something special for Crows to get out of this, I don’t see it happening. Part of the one-sided finals tale of 2017.
Back in from another long break, Crows get a goal, Tigers well up. Does anyone believe that the Crows will kick seven goals to zip?
Tex goals. Now they only have to kick six to zip. Ten minutes into the term, a desperate comeback isn’t entirely unlikely.
Who’s scoring in the Norm Smith? Dustin, cos the judges would have being focussed on him. Might not have happened if he’d worn the trad jumper.
I was outside again and heard a special tone in the comments voices from the loungeroom, I knew that the Tiges had the sealer goal. 40 points.
I was in a pub with a Tiger mate when Chris Judd played the quarter of his life and the Blues beat the Tigers. He sat at the bar, a look of utter devastation on his face, ‘I just want to sing the song with my son after a final’. He’s there today with his son. For you, my friend, for you.
Ice block strip. Siren. Onyas.
Coaches should have worn black jumpers.
Eleven goal-kickers for the Tigers, in this season of home and away close games and upsets and draws, every final bar the least important was a thrashing and this one of the worst.
Congratulations Richmond Football Club.


About Earl O'Neill

Freelance gardener, I've thousands of books, thousands of records, one fast motorcycle and one gorgeous smart funny sexy woman. Life's pretty darn neat.


  1. You’re a legend Earl. You haven’t lost that touch of nailing it. You should put your hand up to call matches for the radio stations; more interesting than the garble ex-players dish out.
    As an aside, none of the so called experts picked up the similarities of the Tiger’s scores in each final game which highlights their game plan: wear them down in the first half then run over the top in the second half.
    Half time goals Qual Cats 2 Tigers 3, Prelim Giants 5 Tigers 5, GF Crows 4 Tigers 6
    Final siren goals Qual Cats 5 Tigers 13, Prelim Giants 9 Tigers 15, GF Crows 8 Tigers 16
    Differentials …………….Cats 3 Tigers 10, ………….Giants 4 Tigers 10, GF Crows 4 Tigers 10
    All three opponents ran out of legs and couldn’t cope with the relentless Tiger pressure

  2. 7am Portugal. Half time?? What is this? Thought the game started at…….. Stop looking at Spanish time. Still close. Anyone’s game. 3rd Q. 10 minutes in. Who are the rabble in blue. Can’t get hold of it. One way traffic. 3/4 Time. Yawn. Beach for a swim. Would send Mr Wrap a congratulatory text but I can’t get this Vodafone simthing to work. And he won’t be sober enough to read it for a week. Dos cafe and due’ pastel de nata per favor. Footy schmooty. $75 to Aragorn for a month of this rubbish. Save for one decent contest and Eagles win. Sporting Lisbon are going well. Held Barcelona mid week and playing Porto tomorrow night. Wonder if Hink has improved them with a couple of weeks off. I fancy Shuey 1-0 with an extra time penalty.
    Onya Earl. Regards to PG.

  3. John Butler says

    “Mr Crow walking home in the evening, young Tiger comes around the corner and smacks him on the head and says “Gimme that cup, ya bastard!” and Mr Crow replies “Well, that’s not the way it’s supposed to work, young man. You see, we have this process and”
    “Shut up Grandad!”


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